2 steps forward, 100 back.<P>Tried to keep positive thoughts in my head about me and the ex. Stopped by his house after work today to take him some potassium tablets. Saw my ex brother in laws ex wife number and pager number on his desk. Told him he needed to get rid of all womens numbers if he is serious about working on us and reconciling. He also still needed to return a disk to her, and so I said I will be going with him then. Of course he refuses to let me go with him.<P>When I kept asking why, he finally said he was embarassed of having me with him because she and the other women he talked to now know what happened with my ex brother in law. Not sure they know what all MY ex did though. So what do you all think about this. He wants a future with me, yet he is ashamed to be seen with me in front of people he told bad things about me to. Like I am wondering if we were already out together somewhere and one of those other women seen us, if he would run and hide.<P>I told him if he really loved me, he would get rid of all numbers, not talk with other women or go to their homes without me, and would forgive me for what I did back to him. God forgave me I know, but I have a hard enough time forgiving myself and he makes it worse because he still wants me to suffer for it. I don't call that love. I forgave him for his cheating and hurting me. I dont expect the memories to fade away so fast, but I need forgivness in order to move ahead.<P>I am ready to give up on us now. I cant stand him being ashamed and especially in front of these women. They have a pretty nasty past themselves, and not without sin. His ex sis in law, also caused the brother and him alot of conflict, yet somehow he has forgiven her. <P>He thinks I am over reacting about the numbers and such. I quit talking with men on email even though they were just friendly conversations because I wanted to rebuild his trust in me and I need the same from him.<P>I hate life. And to think all day I had been trying to think of nice things I could do for him to show him how much I love him. He has cheated on me twice and has put me through alot of mental abuse, so does he not think I look stupid for wanting him back. I really dont care what others think because I love him, but apparently love will never be enough.<P>Lost Hope<P>Bluestar
