Do they have statistics on this? I remember asking my husband why so many times did he have sex with the skanks-strippers (at least 8 in 1 1/2 years, plus going to strip clubs 6 times in that span as well.. and to me that is cheating as well)...and he answered "once the lilly is off the bloom, what difference does it make"???? was his thought process.

My husband is totally remorseful, and no , I don't think he will ever again. BUT I will be on his butt forever more.. I will not ever be so stupid again!

Statistics? I don't know. Nikkin, unless your husband has made some drastic radical changes from your previous thread, and you have made radical changes on how you start viewing his actual wayward behavior, then yes, consider him to be a high risk repeat offender.

The adulterers who do it again are the ones who don't recover. Those who don't affair proof their marriages tend to do it again.

And then there is the small percentage who have a world view that believes adultery is acceptable. They are the ones who actively seek affairs. That describes some of the hard cases here.

What radical changes do you mean? I have GPS on his car, etc. We have read/reading SAA, Love Busters, and are doing workbook. He is in this..and wants to build a better marriage than ever before.

I admit that I could have been a better wife, not to him, but to anyone else. I took him for granted as we tend to do as life passes us by.

I do believe we will have a better marriage as we go , thanks to all of books from this site. We would read them at night ,and go wow they could have written this book about us. It just all hits so close to home.

No, I have not exposed him, cause that would RUIN our business.. that just isn't going to happen. I will not seek out that stripper/prositute's husband, 1. he does not know her real name, 2. I don't want that to come back in haunt us..(business wise).

The first stripper/prositute is now out of prison, I would call the county prison time to time. I hope she left town..And again I don't want to contact her.. (we did write a no contact letter while she was in prison), cause there woudl be no reason to...though I would love to know her spin on their relationship.

My husband did eventually say he would do a lie detector test, and I let that go for a few days.. but didn't see the need for it.. if he said he would do it.. he can't be lying any more. right?

They all lie. Have him take the test.

I suggest you read Therightthing's thread. His wife did not find out the horrible truth until a few hours before the polygraph.

You are refusing to perform critical steps in the MB recovery process (ie. exposure) so yes, I can state with all certainty, that Dr. Harley has found in his decades of experience that you WILL face repeat behavior.

He has not yet found a couple succeed that refuses to conduct the most basic principles of the SAA program.

You have the book... but it's a bookshelf ornament if you are refusing to actually do the program. Sorry. You're looking at repeat behavior and I would argue that I doubt the behavior has even stopped.

Why should he stop? He has no consequences.

But if I am meeting his needs now, why would he cheat on me? His consequences would be me leave, and I told him if he did it again , I would expose him to EVERYONE, business/friends/family, he agrees with that .

Personal people exposing to now- would be his sister, sister in law-she can tell his brother, his mother. I would never call his friends. I just don't want to do this.. I would be embarrased to even say the words needed. right now..but I WILL tell all if it happens again.

One thing I forgot about was when this all happened.. I did call the stripper/prositutes(she was only 23- 25 when he met her )..dad.. cause believe it or not.. he was having contact with him cause of her being in jail, at her request he called him. So I was able to find his name on his contacts, I called him up, left message saying , let me tell you who this so called good guy is , that is helping your daughter, he is having sex with her for money.. and hung up. Husband was horrifed , and hung his head in shame.

In fact the one man that went to the strip clubs with him, he has very little contact with (business only now), and though I let him off the hook, and let him say to him I thought he was having an affair, but he was only trying to "help her", like his friend thought. Cause husband was too ashamed to say he slept with the stripper. Sigh.. I should have made him say the truth to him.. but I think.. if this guy is smart.. he can put two and two together , and realise his "friend" did indeed cheat.

Exposing him will ruin your business?

He should have thought of THAT before he cheated each time.

Yes, but don't they become almost someone they are not.. and don't even think of the risks they are taking?? Maybe mine is more like a sex addict though therapist said no, sexual complusion would be more like it , cause addict would have had sex more than 12 times in 1 1/2 years..two different strippers but then my husband is sooo cheap I am sure that plays a part.

Oh and the first stripper would ask him to go to club when she worked, and he would spend maybe 50 a night, and he said he hated it there, when I said why did you go, he said , I didn't want her to get mad/ stop having sex with him early on, and when found out she was heroin addict, and he wanted to start distancing himself , he went so she wouldn't get mad and "expose" him to me.

Why do you think a wife meeting his needs will keep a sexual addict/compulsive cheater from doing it again?

You see the contradiction here, right?

Nikkin, I hope you don't truly believe that your husband having sex with drug-addicted prostitutes is a result of YOU not meeting his needs. You do realize, how low one must be in terms of morals and dignity to go straight down to the bottom of the barrel in that sense.

But you are assuming that he conducted this behavior, as he stated to you, and that he is remorseful. According to you, it is remorse. According to an expert (Dr. Harley), his lack of actually conducting a polygraph to tell the truth AND his lack of exposure is a dead giveaway that he's managed to throw you enough crumbs to keep you off his back.

Nikkin, do you really think Dr. Harley's methods don't apply to you guys? That your husband is an exception? Keeping in mind your husband is one of the worst types of adulterers - drug addicted prostitutes, exposing you to potential HIV etc??? Do you understand how morally degraded one must be to expose their spouse to such a thing?

You sound like a very lovely woman. But I'm afraid you are on the track to false recovery and worse, a lifetime of disease. You really need to re-read SAA and start accepting that your situation is not one that can bear the "exceptions" of the main principles.

As it stands now, I think there will be a 100% chance your WH will continue to cheat.

I read all that there is to read here, and in the books, the part I did not follow was exposure, to be honest my therapist was not very happy even my adult son knew! And the lie detector test.. but I can still get him to do that. But what questions would I ask?

1.How many he cheated with?
2.Sex without condoms?
I know he did oral sex without condoms with both strippers:(
claims once with each without. He says once he went to hotel and heroin addict did not have a condom, not sure if this is before he knew she had a drug problem, and she said "it's ok, I don't get my period any more, I can't get pregnant-that's one of the benefits of being on heroin". Thankfully he claims he left, and bought one. I asked how did he have so much sense , when he was senseless through this all, he said cause he didn't want to get anything, and didn't want another kid.

3.When did it end?
4.How many times he had sex?
Can those all be asked??
Or what should be asked??

"You may ask about sexual acts with other persons, contact or communication with specific individuals, viewing pornography, visiting strip clubs, running personal ads, and similar questions.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/4807905"

ok I know all of these answers, so why would I need a lie detector to ask them?
I know he is not in contact with anyone , there is just no way he could be. BUT I worry for the future is all.

Hi nikkin, you are getting good advice from the others so I just wanted to add that most therapists are not qualified or experienced when it comes to recovery from an affair. Your therapist is no different if she doesnt understand that lying to kids about adultery is a bad idea.

Yea, I was so ok with our son knowing the truth. He still lived here at the time even. He has even helped me through some of this.

I don't see her more than once a month now..and to be honest all she keeps saying is --move on, don't dwell on the past" things such as that. Which is good advice. But every now , and then I get so worried about this happening again, and though I know his sincerity is for real now, and should hold up for a while.. I wonder how long that may last.

I know it sounds like he is a real jerk, but he honestly isn't. He would be the LAST person anyone would ever think would do something like this.

Anyway.. I maybe I will ask him to do the lie detector thing again. The last time he talked of it, he said ok ,let's do it, so we can move on. He has been great-perfect husband..He says he is just so happy it is over, and he hated being in that dark , ugly side of life.. He feels so relieved it is all out in the open. He even said this the day after.. he said you wouldn't believe how good this all feels now that I told you.He dropped these girls at the drop of the hat.. so it seems like they did not mean anything much to him..The first one he pitied, and she sucked him in to her terrible life..and he didn't know how to get out for fear of her telling me.

Thing that gets me some times, is him saying to me .. it's been one, two, three months when will you get over it? ...hmm -it will be a while!

Have you affair proofed your marriage so this can't ever happen again? What are his radical changes?

Telling you doesn't solve the problem. It seems to me that is all that has been done. What have you done to affair proof? What POJA etc?

nikkin, you are in some serious BS denial if you don't think your WH is capable for having another affair. You have lowered the bar and your WH knows it.

His actions say otherwise


And yet he did...go figure.


And then there was nothing...again.


Excuses and guilt trips


More guilt trips. This is the mindset of a wayward, not a remorseful and repentant person.

If there is no way he could be in contact now then why would you worry for the future? What has he done to radically change his life to prevent a repeat affair? All I see here is talk. And talk means nothing coming from a wayward. They are liars and won't tell the truth.

A lie detector determines if your spouse is telling the truth. You don't really know if you have all the truth from your husband.