Deb, you need to hire a PI ASAP. I suspect your husband has set her up in a love nest and is meeting her there. A PI could uncover this very quickly and get pictures. Stop reading and start being a better snooper! Time is of the essence. The long this goes uncovered, the more entrenched it becomes.

Deb. You understand that he is just throwing you crumbs to confuse and appease you.


More crumbs. Just words. What do his ACTIONS tell you? Deb my FWH was full of tears and love for me after D-Day #1. To this day I believe that he was sincere. What I overlooked was the power of the addiction and the lengths that OW would go to keep my WH under her control. 3 months later I found that the A was still on and now DEEPLY entrenched. They had just got smarter in hiding it.



Stop listening to anything your WH says. This is not your husband. This is an addict. Don't lose sight of the fact that your OW is a homeless 22 yr old looking for a meal ticket. She is not going away without a fight. Don't let her steal your H and your life.



I think you stand a good chance in saving your M if you can find the strength to stand up and fight. Let your WH know that you want a loving and passionate marriage and are willing to work on recovery once WH will commit to NC and take a poly. That is what it will take to keep you interested.

Call an attorney and find out your rights and options.
Hire a PI.
Prepare for Plan B in case you need it. A good Plan B requires time to set up.



My own FWH turned himself around once I got serious and demanded that it end. I was done playing games and FWH saw that he was about to lose it all.

Why would he be monitoring this site if he was on the up and up?



Mr. Deb. You are going to lose everything most important to you. You will be left with a homeless 22yr old just looking for a free ride. Why would you throw away everything you have for some cheap woman who is a liar and cheat with no qualms about destroying someone else's life for her own benefit? That is not love...it is evilness at it finest. Good luck with that.

It is your choice. Think long and hard about the path you have embarked on.

It always amazes me how people can forgive even the most heinous crimes once they see a sincerely remorseful and repentant person. What people cannot forgive is continued lies and deceit. That is despicable.

Stop hurting your beautiful wife and tell her the truth about everything. The truth will set you free.

Refusal to write no contact letter = affair continuing = no commitment to the marriage

Time to actually DO something about it.

AM

Call an attorney and find out your rights and options. Hire a PI.

Kiddo, you have now gotten each of these pieces of advice from two posters. Unless you have serious experience dealing with fighting the effects of infidelity, I would urge you to rely more on our judgment and less on your instinct.

You are operating under a huge (but common) misconception. You believe that the current situation is one in which you and WH would operate as allies in this struggle. You cannot be more wrong. You and he are adversaries right now. What he wants, you DON'T want. He wants to make nicey-nicey with you on immaterial details, and your best strategy is to make this a roaring battle-royale.

Let me give you my guess at the third player's goal right now. She will be planning to get WH's bun in her 22 year-old oven ASAP, and ride the gravy-train indefinitely. Your starting legal action BEFORE her rabbit dies may help shield your portion of the marital assets from her claims.

Let me reiterate - There is nothing romantic, affectionate, nor tender about your relationship with WH right now. An active affair is not "niced" to its death.

Several posters have written about the motivation and plans of this young OW.

Truth is, we don't know her motivation or plans, and we won't know her motivations or plans. Maybe she is just young, looking for love and thinks she found her "soul mate."

Doesn't matter.

But what we DO know is that she is caught up in affair, and the addictive properties of affairs affect the single partners as well as the married partners.

Even if she wants to end the affair, it's unlikely she will, as the addictive properties will draw her back in, just as they draw in guilty waywards who fully intend to end their affairs.

Since we DO know that "addicts" are selfish, we can fully expect her to act as selfishly as a wayward.

Financial loss to the betrayed spouse and the birth of an OC are likely outcomes of selfish behavior.

BV

brokenvase.

First you say this:


Then you say this which confirms what the "several other posters" have mentioned.

Your post and its intent is confusing.



We do know that OW is fine with a married man putting her up in a hotel without his wife's knowledge. That says a lot about her character and motivation. Why are you painting her as an innocent misguided nymph? I think her true colors are very clear.

Deb,

Will you hire a PI?

Those thousands of dollars went somewhere, and there's likely one less vacant apartment in your area as we speak.

So, will you hire a PI?

Sorry.

The only point I wanted to make is that it is a waste of time to think about the motivations and plans of the OW.

Is she cunning and malicious? Confused and broken? Does she want money and a tricked-out apartment, or does she want love and protection? We don't know and IT DOESN'T MATTER. Jennifer Chalmers taught me this.

All we do know and all we need to know is that she is an affair partner caught up in an addictive experience, and as such, will act as such.

Selfishly.

This the only motivation that matters, as it is the only motivation we can know.

Financial loss for the betrayed spouse and pregnancy for the affair partner are likely outcomes of selfish behavior.

We can predict these outcomes because we understand the mechanics of affairs, not because we can read the mind of the affair partner.

Hope this is clearer -

BV

brokenvase. My confusion is not with your argument in selfish behaviours of waywards. You explained it very well.

My confusion is with your statement that:

Given the facts here, I am confused why you would paint OW in a positive light and almost validate OW behaviour as just innocent and misguided. I can't figure out why you would say that. How is that helpful to deb who is already in denial about the severity of the situation?

Main Entry: fa�ce�tious
Function: adjective
1 : joking or jesting, often inappropriately WAGGISH <just being facetious>

I thought this was obvious; apparently not.

The perils of written communication.

My apologies.

BV

Ah brokenvase. I clearly did not pick up on the sarcasm. My apologies also. Peace !



I remember in my own denial that I would grasp at anything to avoid the reality of my own situation. Deb. Do not make the mistakes that I made and rely on Plan Hope...that only brought me more heartache. Take control of your life.

BV, thanks for your clarification. I was also confused when I read your comments.

Like pokerface, I have great concern that this OW will get pregnant if this affair is not killed and killed SOON. She has enormous motivation to do so.

WH told me OW called him at work today. He engaged in conversation because he wanted to know how SHE was doing. He said she is getting back with her boyfriend and they are flying to Florida to take a romantic cruise.

I asked him to write her a no contact letter. He said he didn't know where to send it, and I informed him not to worry about that, I would get it to her. He refused and has now withdrawn from me and is hiding out in the bedroom. Actions do speak louder than words.

I know all of my rights via the laws of my state. I have a family law attorney. I have snoops/investigation in place.

Actions not only speak louder than words...

but his words (story about her plans to leave and reunite with a boyfriend) are completely meaningless....even if any truth is part of it.

I showered and put a towel around myself. I then opened the door to the bedroom, walked in a few steps, and asked him if he was okay. He stated he just wanted this to end, and I said that was easy. I would print a sample "No contact" letter from the internet, he could use that for a sample, he could write the letter and I would send it to her via private message on her FB account. Easy thing to do.

I revealed the carrot. I showed him the goodies and asked him if wanted me. He asked me to crawl in bed with him. I told him that he could have his cake and eat it at home. All he had to do was write the no contact letter. He still won't do it. This is the first time in 12 years he has ever rejected an opportunity to have sex with me. In my nicest voice, I said I was leaving him alone to think about things.

This is normal stuff.


Regarding a no contact letter..... he needs to send her the letter. You don't send it.

You are with him, in his presence when/if he does. Ideally, it is sent via actual old fashioned snail mail. Not facebook messaging.

His affair has not ended. I doubt she has a boyfriend and suspect he has her set up in a love pad at his expense. He is telling you lies to keep you off balance.

I predict this is going to have to get really bad before you put a stop to it, Deb. It will take the school of hard knocks.

Did you read my post about hiring a PI? You need to know where they are meeting up every day. Like I said, I suspect he has lodged in a love pad.

Deb - pleeeeeeeease listen to Melody.

Your husband is telling you OW is back with her boyfriend to throw you off the trail. That is supposed to make you feel less threatened.

Your husband has had enough financial control to set up a whole secret life that you know nothing about.

You need to get educated fast about his activities. Get on the Operation Investigate forum here and learn about voice activated recorders and GPS trackers. Do not alert him to your suspicions.