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Onto the next question
My husband is more of a picky person (selective as he says). Food clothes... In that he has the tenancy to even be picky over me.
My question is while I want to make him happy. Where is the line at becoming who he wants me to be so that I don't withdrawal love units from his bank?
What I mean is: He likes my hair long Likes my makeup a certain way likes my weight at a certain amount He wants me to be more organized and disciplined There are more, just cant think of them right now.
I think I began to resist this because I felt like he was trying to control me. I can see how these things can withdrawal love units from his bank. About 5 years after we got married I fell in love with this hair cut and he finally gave me the ok to cut my hair. He started to become less attracted to me. My hair was to the middle of my back when we were dating. I cut it in an A line cut a little bit below my jaw.
On one hand I can see making him happy. But then what about my own personality and expressions?
Am I feeling this way because we arent in love?
When we were dating I would do anything he ever wanted me to do. If something annoyed him I would change it. I started to feel like though that he was my biggest critic. Everything I did was wrong or weird. So I stopped. I didnt do this to him. If there was something he was doing that annoyed me I got over it and moved on. Is this because I'm a woman!??!
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It would help a lot for people to know some background info (ie. why are you separated)
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She has ANOTHER thread, too.
Short version: they each had an affair, and now he wants to reconcile so she can support him while he quits his job to pursue real estate.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. (Oscar Wilde)
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Oh geez.
Well, I personally don't think it's controlling for a husband to wish his wife to maintain certain physical appearances that he likes. A lot of women underestimate the male's need for physical attraction.
Dr. Harley makes it clear that if a spouse has a complaint then they SHOULD complain and a spouse should be willing to listen and talk about it.
If your husband loves your (very) long hair and you go and chop most of it off despite that, then you are telling him that you don't care about his need for physical attraction. I'm not sure when this happened in relation to your affair(s) but the "controlling spouse" card is a common one for wayward wives, when really the "control" is just a husband expressing his needs.
Women complain control, men complain neglect.
You said: If there was something he was doing that annoyed me I got over it and moved on. Is this because I'm a woman!??!
No, it's not because you are a woman. It's because you guys are not dealing with complaints properly. If I have a complaint, I will tell my husband. You suppressing your complaints seems to have led you to think he complains too much, where really, perhaps you are the one who is bottling up your valid complaints??
Again, not sure when this happened in relation to affairs but affairs happen when people go outside their marriage to meet their needs. By assuming your husband is "controlling" (perhaps he is - perhaps his complants where valid), you looked at OM/affair partner as someone who didn't complaint.
Hence, the fantasy of affair. You don't have to deal with day-to-day life and complaints because you're in affair la-la-land.
Last edited by alis; 07/19/12 04:02 PM.
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See I wish I wouldve found this forum years ago!!! you are right. I did do lots of bottling!! At the time I felt like my concerns were falling on deaf ears. When it comes down to it though both of our concerns were. I definetly agree my actions contributed to our situation now as much as his did.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time.
Thank you Alis for your comments
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I brought up the thought of going through the EN and LB sheets together. It seems to be as far as it gets. I posted 2 other threads with different questions so I will add them both here so that you all have the whole story.
Onto the next question
My husband is more of a picky person (selective as he says). Food clothes... In that he has the tenancy to even be picky over me.
My question is while I want to make him happy. Where is the line at becoming who he wants me to be so that I don't withdrawal love units from his bank?
What I mean is: He likes my hair long Likes my makeup a certain way likes my weight at a certain amount He wants me to be more organized and disciplined There are more, just cant think of them right now.
I think I began to resist this because I felt like he was trying to control me. I can see how these things can withdrawal love units from his bank. About 5 years after we got married I fell in love with this hair cut and he finally gave me the ok to cut my hair. He started to become less attracted to me. My hair was to the middle of my back when we were dating. I cut it in an A line cut a little bit below my jaw.
On one hand I can see making him happy. But then what about my own personality and expressions?
Am I feeling this way because we arent in love?
When we were dating I would do anything he ever wanted me to do. If something annoyed him I would change it. I started to feel like though that he was my biggest critic. Everything I did was wrong or weird. So I stopped. I didnt do this to him. If there was something he was doing that annoyed me I got over it and moved on. Is this because I'm a woman!??!
And the Other. I feel like this one is pretty much answered but I would love any other thoughts!
I have been struggling with this decision or more like the ability to come up with some good solutions to this problem and would like to see if you all have any ideas.
Here's the situation
My husband and I are separated. Have been for about 8 months. We are talking about getting back together.
We are trying to put the Policy of Joint Agreement into action but are stuck on one issue. I have very strong feelings about animals and currently have a cat. My husband has very strong feelings about not liking animals. VERY STRONG. He doesn't like the smell the sight the hair anything! We tried having a cat in the past. It had its own room. I would have to wash my hands if I touched it. We fought about it all the time.
I love my kitty to pieces but not more than my marriage. So if I had to chose I would give her away. But would I resent him?
Possible solutions:
A: Rent a big enough house where he wouldn't have to "feel" the cat in the house and just know when I am done spending time with her I have to in essence shower.
B: Give her away
Both don't work with the policy.... I know this sounds like a stupid issue but for us its serious. I was raised with animals so its a part of me. He wasn't raised that way.
When a dog comes up to us I'm the one saying "oh look at the doggie!! and he stands back like ewww.... How do we meet in the middle???
Side note we don't have kids
My last note on this was: You guys are right. I think every time he looks at the cat there will be love units withdrawals. Ill keep thinking about this. I was listening to the MB radio the other day and Dr Harley was talking about a husband who loved watching movies and snuggling on the couch while his wife hated it.
This made me think of my situation. My dear kitty is my "recreation." So we need to find something that we both will enjoy doing. He has even offered horse back riding. (not our horses of course)
I still have lots of brainstorming to do but I definitely have some food for thought.
Ill ask for the others to be closed.
Thanks all!
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FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Needbigtimehelp, welcome to MB! Lots of times folks in the State of Conflict have lots and lots and lots of complaints because they're unhappy and do't know why, so they're taking rough drafts at why they are miserable. There are great articles here on finding solutions you both are enthusiastic about. There is the thoughtful request, where you all try something for two weeks for example and see how you feel about it. There is negotiation where you brainstorm with abandon for example what would make you enthusiastic about wearing your hair long? What would make him enthusiastic about you wearing it short? Or the cats thing as discussed earlier. Please take a look and let us know what you think.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13 Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Well guys I think it might be over. Here is the point that is taking it there.
I came to a conclusion on the whole cat thing where I think I could live with it. I give her up and we do things from time to time that involves animals ie horseback riding (something he suggested that) -- so that was settled
There is still such a difference between us that I dont know what could bridge the gap. I feel like when I talk about something that is concerning to me he just doesnt understand. He might say he does. But then I feel like by his actions and speech he doesnt have a clue. To me, saying u understand does not tell me that you understand. I have told him "ok if you understand please explain to me how what u r doing affects me or my feelings" Then he will tell me in one sentence what he is doing and then explain why he did it that way. Thats not what Im asking for. Nor do I get the feeling from that that he understands.
He was raised with a father who insisted on having a business no matter the cost. When we got married and couldnt find a job he defaulted to that. He wanted to have a business. Ok thats fine. We ended up moving to a foreign country and we were able to support ourselves from this business. It went well for about 4 months. Then things went downhill with it. We stayed in this country for about 5 years. When it started going downhill I started saying hey we need to do something different. It fell on deaf ears. He became so consumed with the business and I felt alone. We would go to the beach from time to time but his mind was on the latest deal so that meant nothing. I kept begging him to do something different. I started getting so depressed and it lasted for about 2 years. Nothing changed. I give this scenario to show what I am asking for. I didnt feel like he understood what I was saying. "Please this business isnt working, lets find a job- if we cant find a job we need to move back for your familys sake"
He feels like I have to have my way. I dont feel that way at all. He says if it doesnt go my way or isnt done my way then I get mad. I dont feel that way. I tried to explain this scenario to him and said-- I feel like the business isnt working, we are growing apart, we need to find something that will pay our bills PLEASE!!! I hoped that what I said would be understood and shown with some action. I dont care what was done. It was a problem that needed any solution.
Nothing happens 4.5 years pass...
I gave him this illustration-- If its date night and I tell you hey because I broke my foot its really hurting. I would hope that you and I could find something fun to do. But then you decided that we are going Ice skating. That tells me that you didnt hear what I said. MY FOOT HURTS!! You will show that you are understanding what I am saying by what you say after and what you do.
Im not looking for someone to agree. I dont understand why he doesnt get this. If someone could help me understand I would so appreciate this. Please:(
Last note He feels like we think differently, which is true. I am right brain dominant and he is left. That doesnt mean that I cant think logically. But I lead with an emotional thought. ie "what u r doing makes me feel" Vs him "this is what u r doing that I dont like" So to join that together then equals him asking me ok u feel like that give me every instance where I have done that. He wants specific examples. I think in over all. For both of us this is exhausting. He will ask a bunch of questions. I cant handle that because I cant answer them. I dont see the little details ie what time it was or how many or the color. I see the over all. He works with Loans and he says he knows when a person is like me on the phone. The person just wants to know how much they owe and what their payment is and when its due. When he gets someone like him on the phone he knows he will need to explain the APR, the total payment, how many payments, when the payments will flex, why it flexes, where specifically the money went to, and he can freely provide all of that. To me all of that is overwhelming. AYE How in the world can we mesh??
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Side note. I found this site like 3 years ago and we both did the EN. He was so overwhelmed at the stark differences that we had that pretty much the convo stopped there. It was like a ton of bricks fell on him. I explained that this is the case with most couples!! I need Affection, intimate convo , and rec compan. He needs SF, PA,DS, and admiration. I understand his needs now. I didnt before. And he would try to meet my needs with his needs (if that makes any sense) what I mean he would try to meet my needs by looking good (not important to me, i appreciate it but it does nothing for me.
And vice versa-- I even sent him flowers at work. LOL
So at this point he wont do the EN or LB
Last edited by Needbigtimehelp; 07/26/12 09:15 AM.
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Last side note.
We said we were going to go ahead and get a divorce (still not concrete)
We both love and care about eachother. But see that we arent good for eachother. So at this point we are not at eachothers throats wanting to kill eachother. We are taking this super slow.
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I hope my post isnt too confusing. But does anyone have any ideas?
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I hope my post isnt too confusing. But does anyone have any ideas? Are you willing to at least do some MB coaching before a D?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Without children involved, I would move on and get an amicable divorce. But keep reading about MB, and make better choices next time. Frankly, for me, he seemed to be a selfish user when he suggested reconciling so you could provide financing for him. It doesn't seem he considered you much before now, anyway. Plus, you already decided to divorce, right? Don't be wishy-washy about such things.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. (Oscar Wilde)
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Last edited by Prisca; 07/26/12 11:56 PM.
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Something is missing here. ???? His being analytical isn't a catch all for can't empathize or can't be considerate. I hate to lump it into "you guys are incompatible." You may be, but I know many couples that have differences, and they don't matter b/c they love. They make the choice to love through, work through, accept the person and encourage better. Does your H put anything into encouraging you? Your bread story, his seeming inability to want for you what you want for yourself, seems very selfish, almost narcissistic to me. It is as if he is only thinking about what he wants, what he needs, how to meet his needs. He definately seems to be the taker. You can't make him consider you or want to consider you or your needs. If he isn't on board with committing to the Emotional Needs Q, and POJA, and other suggetions here, he isn't serious about your marriage. Don't settle for less than you deserve. You need someone to be considerate, accepting, encouraging, thoughful, protective, etc. Does he really meet your needs? I don't see it. I don't see him wanting to either. Not really.
BS Me 47,WH 49 DS's x3 17, 10, 7 Multiple D-Days No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either. Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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He doesnt! You are all right. I have asked him and asked him, suggested and everything to at least look at the site. He figures if we do this it would be considered "my way." I told him it doesnt have to be "someones way" as long as whatever is done works. Its just an idea. Aye! Thanks for your comments guys. I think seeing someone else say what I was feeling is making the decision easier. I didnt want to just give up. We both have changes to make. I am no angel. But what is key is that he didnt come back after his "one night stand" and say Im sorry I want to do what ever I can to work on us. He said there are lots of changes that have to be made and you have to be willing to change. LOl.
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It is always easy to point at our spouse and say, "You need to change this. You have a lot of changes to make." The harder part is looking at yourself and admitting to yourself and owning that there are changes that you yourself also need to make. That there are things that you yourself are doing that your spouse isn't responding well to. He isn't able or just doesn't want to look at himself to see that he could be part of the problem. Does he not understand that this site is not "your way" it is a solid way for both of you to recover your marriage? You just found it and see the value of the principles? Have you asked him why he can't seem to committ to digging deep and fixing it other than the alternative - divorce? Some people just can't work that hard, and it is easier to walk away. It isn't just his needs that aren't being met. That is what I don't see him realizing or admitting. It goes both ways. It should be that both of your needs are equal in importance TO EACHOTHER. He is thinking that HIS needs are more important and that you are not meeting them. So, let him know that there are NOT only changes that HE needs to make, but that he owes you just compensation for what he has done. You deserve that. If he can't dig deep to give that to you, he doesn't deserve you standing by him or giving him any more chances.
Last edited by Littlebit3; 07/27/12 03:22 PM.
BS Me 47,WH 49 DS's x3 17, 10, 7 Multiple D-Days No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either. Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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Update: We decided to get a divorce. Its for the best and Ive been ok with this decision. We made it about 3 months ago. I filed last month and it will be final in January. Heres where I am now: 30 years old no children Im about to complete the closing on my first house (exciting!!) bad part about that is that the house is about 300 miles away from my support system. I am excited about the move though because I feel like this will be my opportunity to stand up and be strong on my own. We have been separated for a little over a year now. I wont say that I am completely over it. But I dont miss him. Im not mad at him any more. I dont worry about him. Ive been focusing on improving ME. So in my new found "standing up" I have caught the interest of a 22 year old. At this point Im not ready for a relationship. Im petrified right now. I know I will not always feel this way. This guy really likes me. Loves my ADD, lol loves my upbeat personality, has similar goals in life. He actually reminds me a lot of myself. If you read my full thread you will see that this is such a difference from my ex. My concerns are: Im not ready and wont be for a while (at least 6 months to a year) Hes 22 Im 30 He still lives at home
Hes recognized that hes inexperienced and is talking about moving out so that he can learn to pay bills and well be a man.
What are your thoughts?
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Update: We decided to get a divorce. Its for the best and Ive been ok with this decision. We made it about 3 months ago. I filed last month and it will be final in January. Heres where I am now: 30 years old no children Im about to complete the closing on my first house (exciting!!) bad part about that is that the house is about 300 miles away from my support system. I am excited about the move though because I feel like this will be my opportunity to stand up and be strong on my own. We have been separated for a little over a year now. I wont say that I am completely over it. But I dont miss him. Im not mad at him any more. I dont worry about him. Ive been focusing on improving ME. So in my new found "standing up" I have caught the interest of a 22 year old. At this point Im not ready for a relationship. Im petrified right now. I know I will not always feel this way. This guy really likes me. Loves my ADD, lol loves my upbeat personality, has similar goals in life. He actually reminds me a lot of myself. If you read my full thread you will see that this is such a difference from my ex. My concerns are: Im not ready and wont be for a while (at least 6 months to a year) Hes 22 Im 30 He still lives at home
Hes recognized that hes inexperienced and is talking about moving out so that he can learn to pay bills and well be a man.
What are your thoughts? Thanks for your update. I wouldn't be thinking of any kind of relationship until you are divorced. What things have you done to work on yourself? Have you read Dr. Harley's Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders? Buyers, Renters and Freeloadees
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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