10 months down the line and I feel as if I am exactly where i was when i first found out about my husbands emotional affair.
How does one deal with resentment?

my husband says its a problem for me because i have not forgiven. I dont have a problem fogiving him. I do have a problem living on a daily basis with him pretending that all is fine when it isnt.
.
How can i get this resentment to fade so I can be happy again?

what am i supposed to do when i am confronted by triggers?
I am not supposed to talk about the past or bring up the affair . Does this mean i sit and seethe inside with a smile on my face?



Onlybyhis grace
me BW - 49
WH - 51
DD1- July 2001
DD2 - October 2012
3 kids 18,16 and 11

here is a good thread for you: overcoming resentment

why is everything not "fine?" are you guys working the programme? what steps have you followed? did you get NC? is he meeting your ENs and filling your LB$? i'm thinking no, since you say you have resentment?

i'll see if i can find the thread on dealing with triggers, but BH will probably beat me to it :O)

welcome to MB!

here you go: managing memories/coping with triggers

Onlybyhisgrace, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you give us a little more information? Who was the affair partner? Do/did they work together? Is she married? To whom was the affair exposed?

If you can tell us a little more it would help us see what the two of you have done so far to recover your marriage.

Talk to your H.
Explain to him that you can "move forward", and you ARE moving forward but that you prefer to use the more accurate term "healing", rather than "moving on/forward". Tell H that your memory is a strong one, and forgiveness towards him does not eliminate the pain YOU feel. Your memory of painful betrayals will fade, but never be completely eliminated unless all memory is eliminated.

Explain to H that this is like a traumatic auto accident for you. You will heal, but you will feel traumatized and have triggers ~~~> until you don't.

Explain that your still having triggers is normal. Being triggered does not mean you have some sort of forgiveness deficiency.

Tell your H that you need his help to overcome the periodic sadness.
Tell your H when you "trigger".
"Sweetie, I'm triggered and I need your reassurance now."
Ask him to do something tangible for you .... like a hug, or hold you, hold your hand, or kiss you, rub your head, or sing to you, whatever ... (your choice).
Then, thank him for helping you ... Tell your H that when he helps you get through your trigger times, he is making love bank deposits and this will greatly help your healing from the trauma.

I hope this helps.
Men HATE when their wives are upset and they feel helpless. Give your H something specific to do for you and then thank him.

thanks for the post and the links Letty.

i have read a number of posts that are so similar to where I am now that it is scary.

things are not fine because i feel so terribly ubhappy and unable to feel that our marriage is being restored. When I discovered the MB website I thought that it was the only way with Gods help to deal with our problems and restore the marriage.
The fact that Dr Harley said that trust would e restored and romance would blossom and resentment fade made me have hope and i was willing to work it through.

however as dr harley says the pth to recovery is very narrow and it has to be followed to a T. My husband says all the right things but never follows up with actions. As a result we have for example achieved 15 hours of undivided attention only once in 6 months.

If i look deep inside myself I think that even more than the resentment the uppermost thing that i am feeling is hopelessness regarding the future. Of never seeing myself being happy . of always living with someone whom I dont know is doing or thinking something that would be hurtful to me again.

I feel that he has gone too far this time and the lack of active commitment (verball commitment is great) makes me lose hope more and more.
onlybyhisgrace

Thanks pepperband for the advice onhow to handle the triggers.

I hate feeling the way I do when I am triggered,I hate bringing up the EA but it just seems to consume me at times.

Onlybyhisgrace

Thanks for your reply maritalbliss

we started the weekend course in february. we are now on the second lovebuster DJ. I believe that my expectations and his commitment are just missing each other all the time

the affair partner was a coworker who worked with my H for a short period 3-4 years ago and then developed and progressed via tel and email after she left the town we are in. My whole family knows but i have no clue who she is or what she looks like or where she is or whether she is married or not.

This fact initself freaks me out because I am always wondering if the woman i am standing next to might be her. there have also been inappropriate boundaries with other women. he swears there was no PA.....

my trust has been completely wipedout and living everyday not trusting is slowly draing me. We agreed on EP but i feel they are not in place and he feels they are.

Onlybyhisgrace

My H convieniently doesnt remember anything about the EA and therefore I know very little about it.

Onlybyhisgrace

if I could save time in a bottle,( Id break the bottle and erase the past)

Have you both filled out the questionnaires? Each questionnaire is detailed so that each spouse specifies exactly what is desired and whether or not the other is meeting it in the way the spouse wants it to be met. Following this carefully will ensure expectations are not missed.


Your H needs to answer all your questions to your satisfaction, then you don't bring up the affair again. You should certainly be informed as to whom the OW is! I would schedule a polygraph test. Waywards lie. Don't rely on the word of a wayward.


Do you have your list of EPs? Have you made them non-negotiable, as they should have been from the beginning?

One doesn't feel the EPs are in place. They either are or they are not.

For example: do you have all passwords? Is he accounting for all time and money spent? Does he have friends of the opposite sex?

Trust but verify. Get a keylogger on the computer. Change cell phones.

As to the MB program. Your H needs to be doing a lot of work here. Can you get him to sign up for the MB Online Seminar so there is accountability?

Read your books out loud together each night--a page or two at a time, then discuss. It should take just a few evenings to get through each chapter. If you get the online seminar, there is a wonderful audio series you can listen to when you're driving together.

I can see why you are feeling drained. You don't have the full truth of the affair. Your H isn't providing JC either. You aren't spending the UA time together.

Actions! Not words! Your H needs to back up his words with actions.

If you don't even know who this woman is, then full exposure has not been done.

If you don't know who she is, or the details, then there is no real thing as "EP's in place" because for all you know, this woman could still be working with him. There could be contact on a daily basis.

You have skipped some of the most critical parts of SAA and hence, you will never feel safe. You don't have the truth. Who knows, you may not have even half the truth.

This isn't recovery - this is trying to "forgive & forget", which doesn't work because as you can see, you still feel unsafe. And justifiably so!

The steps to recovery are very specific and each one must be followed:

1.) No contact with AP for life. As Alis states, since you don't even know who this OW is, how do you know there is no contact?

2.) Non-negotiable EPs for life. They are designed to protect you from another affair.

3.) Create a romantic and passionate marriage, one that is better than pre-A.

All three steps must be followed or there is no recovery from adultery.

Hi. I'm new here and don't know all the acronyms so be patient. I'm an affair survivor...18 months now. **edit**

Rachel34,
Have you read Dr. Harley's path for recovery from infidelity?

Rachel, please read up on MB basic concepts of affair recovery. Your advice contradicts MB in a variety of ways. Are you an expert in affair recovery?

Rachel, actually there is a formula for recovery and .........you don't have it. Many of us have recovered and do not feel any resentment. The reason you DO is because you don't know the formula. Resentment tends to grow and fester when the PRESENT is not happy. When you use this formula to make the PRESENT happy, you don't feel resentment. This formula has worked for thousands of people.

If you don't know how to recover, you might want to read along and get some tips. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

OBHG,

Even with NC and rock solid EPs and transparency in place, your recovery will not proceed without UA time.

UA is the foundation of this program, the resolution to all but a very few marital issues.

It is, in fact, part of Extraordinary Precautions because creating a transparent and integrated lifestyle not only restores romantic love, it leaves little to no room for future infidelity on the part of either spouse to occur.

That is the FIRST thing you should focus on, and continue eliminating LBs to protect deposits made, and meeting additional ENs to maximize each of your LB$ balances.

Make that second. You don't know her name?

Thanks for the input.

That's exactly what I'm feeling.actions and not words.we both signed up for the weekend seminar and went through it.


We haven't filed in the forms yet.


However even with the EP in place something in me is rearing its head at having to control his every move like a truant child.if we have reached this point do we have a marriage.? Marriages are based on trust.if the trust is broken how do you have a marriage?

grace, marriages are not based on trust at all. Please use the program here and go through the steps. If your husband implements EPs and you create a happy marriage you won't feel this resentment. But you have to use the program or it won't work.