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It's when you are told to do something in a form of a question. It is a perfect cover up.
Instead of being met with slight dissappointment(if there is any) and doing it yourself, you are met with anger such as "you dont't love me/care for me, get away from me, you make me sick etc..and then being ignored for the next 4-24 hours all because, you just got home from work and sat down and didn't want to get that bowl of cereal for that person.
Been dealing with this for years, and when I confront my W about the behavior, I'm met with more anger and start to be lectured for something I've done in the past(1week- 6or so months ago). All during this, my issue is ignored and never resolved. Well this really goes for any complaint I've brought up. And she wonders why I start to become distant and pretty much blames the entire bad relationship problems on me.
I totally deserved to be left, cheated on(4 yrs ago), and now that A is over with, screamed at, yelled at, called names, belittled, put down, slapped, scratched etc, etc....
Ever since the A, I have been trying my best to meet all my W's EN's with nothing but negativity in return. Everything is overlooked and passed a way like garbage. Really beginning to think "whats the use!"...
Last edited by WoaClu; 07/27/12 02:09 PM.
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Hi,
Welcome back to Marriage Builders. How much of the program have you put into practice?
It sounds like you would have made a Love Bank deposit by bringing your wife a bowl of cereal, but didn't feel like it, and when you declined your wife became demanding and disrespectful. You need to calmly and respectfully talk to her about this problem of her demands and disrespect. But if you are not careful, you will be tempted to become disrespectful yourself in response.
Your wife does not deserve abuse from you in the form of disrespect, and she won't fall in love with you if you act that way, and you won't recover your marriage.
When people have trouble following the program themselves, it is sometimes best to get a coach from the Marriage Builders office (get into the online seminar or use the coaching center) to get some help getting things on track.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It sounds like you are very frustrated, and I suggest you get help rather than continuing to live in a situation that is so upsetting.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here is an article from Dr. Harley explaining what you need to do when your wife becomes disrespectful: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067b_qa.htmlBut even though she made an abusive remark, you can end the cycle of abuse before it begins if you don't accelerate negativity (that means, matching her abuse with abuse of your own). What you should do is ignore the abuse on her side, and in your own mind re-translate what she said to be "I would prefer it if you would dry the dishes this way, instead of the way you are drying them."
However, if you are offended by the comment she made, and most people are offended by abuse, then you will be very tempted to come back with, "fine, dry them yourself next time." That is abusive because it's a demand (you are telling her what to do). Or you might be tempted to say, "you don't dry them any better that I do." That's abusive because it's disrespectful (you are judging her dish washing behavior). Or you might be tempted to let her have it with, "What a stupid thing to say -- you sure are full of stupid comments today." That's an angry outburst because what you say is intended to punish her for the comment she made to you. As soon as you respond to your wife's abusive comment with an abusive comment of your own, you have created a cycle of abuse where you are both abusing each other.
Your wife might then respond to your abuse with more abuse. It may be a selfish demand, it may be a disrespectful judgment, or it may be an angry outburst. That will escalate negativity even more. Then you respond with more abuse, she responds again, and on and on. Every argument is abusive, and whenever you argue or fight, think to yourself, "we are being abusive to each other. I must somehow stop this cycle of abuse."
When you argue, it will be easy to see how the other person is being abusive, but it's very difficult to see how you are being abusive. However, if you actually argue with your wife, you are being just as abusive as she. You may not be able to stop your wife's abusive behavior, because only she can do that, but you can stop your abusive behavior, and that will end all of your arguments and fights. It doesn't mean you will stop talking to each other, it simply means you will not respond to her abuse with your own abuse.
Quite frankly, if only one of you avoids abuse -- you, for example -- it will make it much easier for the other to avoid it. If you can't stay calm enough to do this, you probably do need some help.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Instead of being met with slight dissappointment(if there is any) and doing it yourself, One interesting thing about emotional needs is that you can't meet your own emotional needs. Another interesting thing about emotional needs is that they are irrational.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thank you for your response Markos. I do alot for my wife, but I think I should beable to decline a demand every once in awhile and not have to worry about withdrawing Love bank deposits and being met with Anger.
I have read that article before and practiced it. I am guilty of letting it slide for the past year or so and started to return fire. My patience has been wearing thin, because it seems that she continues and continues untill I finally respond in a negative manor. I will try it again.... thanks again
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You are right that you should not be victimized by your wife's demands and angry outbursts.
But you should not become disrespectful yourself in return.
The definition of an emotional need is something that, when you have it, it makes you feel good, and when you do not have it, you feel frustrated.
Your wife felt frustrated, and it is important for you not to be judgmental about her feelings if you hope to win her over to the idea of a marriage without demands, disrespect, or anger.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Let me ask again: how much of the Marriage Builders program have you put into practice?
Are the two of you following the policy of undivided attention?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here is a recent article by Dr. Harley that you probably have not read, that I think addresses your situation about the cereal: How to Make Your Wife Happy?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Up untill bout a year or so I tried to follow most of what I read. And to be honest, I've strayed away do to my patience becoming thin. I dont have the money to recieve help from the Harley's(which I would love), so I am settling for the next best thing and hoping for some constructive advice and maybe a good swift kick in the rear heading me into the right direction.
Thank you for the article, I have not read that and am about to start now.
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WoaClu,
I totally deserved to be left, cheated on(4 yrs ago), and now that A is over with, screamed at, yelled at, called names, belittled, put down, slapped, scratched etc, etc....
Ever since the A, I have been trying my best to meet all my W's EN's with nothing but negativity in return. Everything is overlooked and passed a way like garbage. Really beginning to think "whats the use!"...
She says you deserved to be cheated on??!!
This woman has never come to grips with what she did to you!
Did you expose what she did?
Did you confront or expose the OM?
Also did she ever come clean with you about the affair?
I sense that there was never a cost to her affair, at least for her, and as a result she thinks she can steamroller you in every other way.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 07/27/12 04:51 PM.
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Yes, She has said that I deserved it and let me tell you why.
We started dating when I was 18( I'm now 35) and She was 16. 2-3 months into our relationship I cheated on her with someone else at a party I went to. Was a huge mistake and I told her about it and suprisingly we were able to work through it and dated for another 3 years before we got married. But come to find out She had also cheated on me before my instance and She didnt tell me until after we were married. But hers didnt count cause she didnt know that the guy was gonna kiss her and that She didnt want it but didnt want to hurt his feelings by being rejectful.
You would think She would say that I deserved it for our marriage but no. After the A and some councelling, We had a great loving year until this past instance was brought back up. Its like the hurt she had then, came back and amplified itself by 100%.
Personally I think it's something else and she chooses to use this as an excuse. But who knows...
Yes, full exposure was done. My family, her family, friends, and OM was confronted and expose at his job and family.
There was no cost until I wanted a Divorce. Once that was out in the air, She stopped all contact, came clean and transparent and was what I thought all about reconcilliation.
With all the resentment and lake of patiences thats built up towards her, it will be hard for me to follow MB practices. Do you have any advice on how to keep myself calm...
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WoaClu,
With all the resentment and lake of patiences thats built up towards her, it will be hard for me to follow MB practices. Do you have any advice on how to keep myself calm...
I think you should patiently snoop as much as you can, if she is in an affair NOTHING you do will help while the affair is ongoing. Determine that first it may make everything else make sense.
Do you have access to her phone, texting and internet. She seems to be projecting her own guilt onto you.
How did she react to the exposure of herself and OM?
God Bless
Gamma
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2-3 months into our relationship I cheated on her with someone else at a party I went to. So, you were dishonest with her. But you weren't unfaithful to her - both of you were single. She has no right to drag this out of storage to hammer you with. Her actions with another man before you married are immaterial, as well. You weren't married. You hadn't made any vows of faithfulness. Scratch this whole business. It doesn't factor into her infidelity. OM was confronted and expose at his job and family. What was their response? I'm sorry - is OM married? If so, did you expose the affair to his wife?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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With all the resentment and lake of patiences thats built up towards her, it will be hard for me to follow MB practices. Do you have any advice on how to keep myself calm... Okay, given that it's going to be harder for you, you need to expend extra effort. Steve Harley told us we needed to do a lot of reading to get the logic behind the concepts embedded into us strongly enough to override our emotions, long enough to get us doing the right thing so that our emotions would eventually catch up. There is a huge website here to read. There's thousands of hours of Dr. Harley on the radio. Take advantage of it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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With all the resentment and lake of patiences thats built up towards her, it will be hard for me to follow MB practices. Do you have any advice on how to keep myself calm... Here's an article from Dr. Harley which will give you some advice to learn to keep calm: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_neg.html
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here are some good clips on "remaining calm", it's about anger but it's the same principles that Dr. Harley walks you through. Anger Mgmt 101
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Gamma- Full exposure was met with extreme rage, but that was expected. She is still mad about it today saying that I had no right to expose her personal life...I will be installing keyloggers soon.
Maritalbliss- OM was not married. Family was apoligetic and said that would talk with him. wether they did or not, I dont know. I assume they didn't because my W has never mentioned it. When I told her that I did, I was "Crazy"....
Markos and Brainhurts - Thank you for the articles, I will be reading those today. This is a huge site and I plan on taking advantage of it. Thank you for your help!
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Check out the radio show, Woa. It's like having an hour session with Dr. Harley every day. I can tell you it helps calm me. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here's a good show on dueling dictators. Tell us what you think. Radio clip on dueling dictators Segment #2 Segment #3
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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