If RQ doesn't want to POJA the job situation right now, I would recommend making no changes until/unless she's on board with the discussion. Replacing one IB with another isn't the answer.

What about your non-job time? Does your job take up every waking minute? What would your other options be for UA time?

My job schedule does suck most of the time. For instance this week my schedule is as follows Monday 9:30 am to 8:30 pm, tuesday 1 pm till 12 pm, Wednesday 1pm till 12 pm Thursday and Friday off, Saturday 9:30am to 8:30 pm, sunday 6 am till 5 pm.
Rocketqueen works Monday through Friday 9-5. Since she said we don't spend enough time together I offered to step down or change jobs. Stepping down would be a pay cut of about $45,000 a year about half of my pay.She is telling me not to do it. I told her I would rather lose my career then lose my family.
I believe that she has already decided that we are done.

why?

I have been trying to meet all of her emotional needs. Helping out around the house with cleaning, dishes and taking care of the kids. I try to keep in touch with her the best I can when im at work but most of the time its difficult to responde to her.
I do notice a big difference in her reaction and engagement to me when I work for a couple of days in a row and we don't see each other. Compared to when I'm off and we are together for a couple of days. But she tells me that she doesn't believe that all the hours I work has anything to do with it.

She said she wants me to move out. She doesn't think that I'm making an effort. All I do is try to spend every minute with her and the kids that I'm not working.
Then this evening she just told me that she wants us to live apart so we can work on our selves and the marriage.

How do you work on the marriage being apart!!!! especially when she is complaining that we don't spend enough time together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FRUSTRATED KISS

I still have work to do. She wants me to post. She wants me to go to individual counceling ( witch I was but we started to go together) now not at all. She said that it wasn't helping us. I believe because she didn't always get the answer or response that she wanted. I still haven't written an apology letter to her parents. Everything else has been done.

Why haven't you written the letter to her parents?

So it sounds like she wasn't seeing your actions?

Excellent clip of Dr. H telling how he has clients that just won't put the work in. It won't work if you aren't willing to put the time in and make it a priority.
Radio clip on putting the work in

So kiss, are you REALLY putting the work in or is it all just words?

Just a tip for you: helping around the house and taking care of the kids is your job. You're supposed to do that.

Too, doing the dishes probably never got any woman all ready if you know what I mean. "Oooh, I just LOVE how he uses Cascade instead of the off-brand dishwasher soap!" Come on now.

Kiss,

Take it from someone who's been there: your wife wants you to not just check items off the list of things to do to offer just compensation, but to WOO her. She needs you to win her over! In order to feel secure in reconciling with you, she needs to feel you are passionate about her - about the two of you together - about doing everything you can to make it up to her that you hurt her so badly. She needs to FEEL you are remorseful and repentant.

You should have had that letter to her family done a long time ago - along with pursuing counseling, preferably with SH!

If you really want recovery, you need to be there, hat in hand, demonstrating that you are DOING everything you can - without her needing to ask you to. LEAD. Lead by example. The life of your family depends on it.

I would block out thirty hours on your schedule. I would offer those to your wife, half of them to be spent alone together as a couple, and half of them to be spent with the whole family.

If she doesn't accept this invitation, then I would repeat it again next week.

I would do this every week. For the rest of my life.

If you cannot do your job and make this time, only then would I drop the job, and then only after negotiating with her.

These hours are the core of the Marriage Builders program. If you are not doing them, then you are not doing Marriage Builders.

Your job is 55 hours a week. The whole week has 168 hours. You need to spend about 56 hours sleeping. That leaves 57 hours for you, almost twice as much as the thirty that you need! Get a day planner, and schedule this out on paper.

If your wife refuses to do this, DO NOT BECOME DEMANDING, DISRESPECTFUL, OR ANGRY. It is not her fault that it has come to this point; it is yours. Simply be persistent and try again next week.

I would get Dr. Harley's workbook and start working through every single section, working on your side. Create plans to overcome each of the problems addressed by each lesson, in order: selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, independent behavior, annoying habits, meeting the need of affection, etc. Work through it all, and revise your work often, and most importantly, DO WHAT YOU PUT DOWN ON THE PAPER.

I'm sure that it is well within your power to win back her enthusiasm, if you will actually do the work and make this the highest priority in your life. But you will have to be extra persistent and extra patient, and you will have to make sure you never blame her for this situation. You caused it. If you start blaming her, it will be a love bank withdrawal that will drive her even further away.

Your M is still salvageable. I just read some excellent suggestions as to what you should DO to see that happen.

She wants you to move out? Then move out, and don't give her any guilt or blame over it. Plenty of BS's have won back their spouses who were actively cheating and moved out of the house. Your job isn't nearly as hard as that.

She doesn't want you to quit your job at this point? Then don't. At this point, right now, this really isn't about your job vs. your M. It's about you and your half-hearted efforts vs. your M. If your BW is planning to separate, then I think it's fair to say she's not able to picture the two of you together at this point. If I was in that circumstance, I'd want my H to be able to provide well for our children above anything else. Right now, you'll be able to give her that feeling of security by staying with your job.

Down the road, when your HARD WORK has begun to pay off and RQ is willing to try POJA with you again, that's the time to settle the job question.

As Markos said, you have about 57 hours to choose how you spend. I also really liked his suggestion of offering week after week. Building a whole new life and mindset, and showing consistency, are the foundations for what you need to do.

Markos,

Thanks for the advice. I need to be more persist. My problem a lot of the times is that we will talk about things we need to do but just don't do them. It's my job to make sure that they are getting done!!!

Also I get angery actually more like frustrated and walk away I need to control that and be persistant.

It's my fault I am in this situation with the person that means everything to me.

Thank You so much,

KISS

I understand that helping around the house is part of my job. It always has been. I just have been trying to take as much off her plate as I can. Like today changing my hours at work to take my daughter to the dentist and meeting her a late breakfast after. It may not seem like much but because of my work schedule I know how much pressure is on her so I need to do a better job of constantly looking at what I can do to lighten her plate when ever I can.

Scotland,

We discussed the job situation and we did have a POJA and she said I can't quite or step down from my job for two reasons #1- I worked to hard to get to the point I'm at #2- That the money difference is huge and we need to pay bills and still support our kids. I just want her to realize I would do anything not to lose her.
I realize now that its about putting in the effort of posting counciling and really following the program that is going to make the difference not just changing things in our life.

THANKS,

KISS

Are you going to do this?

You can spend the 15 hours with the children no matter what. Even if your wife does not want to spend UA time with you.

Family Commitment is a big need to a mother!

Careful there Markos, I am a mother, a SAHM mother, and FC is not even in my top 5.

Focus on what RQ's top EN's are, not what you think they should be.

The way to fix this Kiss, is in your commitment level. I repeat from my previous lengthy post, this is not about you going through the motions/crossing something off a list that RQ has built. This is about you enthusiastically DRIVING the force of recovery.

FYI although you did not respond to that post, RQ did on my thread, where she thanked me for writing exactly how she felt. You should be aware of that, in case you are not already.

You seem adamant at telling us what you have done. What you need to start focusing on is what you have NOT done and the enthusiastic, driving attitude you have NOT had. Because what you have NOT done is the reason for your recovery being where it is today.

I second this, especially as a FBW that is well into recovery. I understand wanting kudos for what has been done, but the mindset is wrong when that's where the emphasis is. And that mindset makes all the difference in the world.