Hi finah, saw you are recommending a friend, well done!

Have you got an update on where you are at?

Just curious as to whether is it Plan B, Plan D or Plan FU?

How are you Cara !!!


Everything is done, signed and divided.
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I'm happy
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She isn't, no surprise there.
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I don't talk to her, see her or any of that.
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Looking back I feel foolish for putting up with it for so long.
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My first D-day was in August 2010
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And it was just never the same after that, so many red flags throughout our entire relationship.
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I've had over a year and a half to ponder a lot of things in my life.
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I was hurt very much by it.� Still hurts some�and I imagine it will for a long time.
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Never will I go back to that.� I was in a very poor relationship and I never saw it.
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Too young and too many good women out there and I mean that last part.
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I'm looking forward to finding someone else
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IMO never will I ever recommend someone with no children save their marriage......file D and move on.
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Wow, things moved quickly for you once the decision was made. Great to hear you are happy finah. And you're right, no suprise that she isn't.

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Foolish for showing commitment to your marriage and honouring the vows you took? Think what you have learned about yourself and relationships in the process. Be proud of your efforts.

One of the thoughts that comforts me a lot is that I have learned MB practices, especially about meeting EN's. I am determined to do everything in my power that I will not have to survive an affair again. I am learning the skills to build a healthy happy relationship in the future if I choose to.

Meanwhile the wayward just blameshifts and seeks "happiness" in another, never really knowing why or what they are seeking in that other.

Good luck in moving forward finah.

just a small update, more so for me to vent a little.

A run in occurred w/ XWW at a local grocery store, I saw her as I was pulling in but honestly I figured she would high tail it out of there as soon as she saw me run into the store. She didn't.

A little anxiety ran through me as it was just a day after our wedding anniversary and I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation if she approached me and where that conversation would ultimately go.

Regardless, I was shopping and sure enough I felt a touch on my arm and there she was. And pretty much without thinking I just turn around and glanced at her and walked away without saying anything.

It was bizarre and bound to happen I guess.

After it had a few days to digest I know I did the right thing b/c I just didn't recognize her anymore. I mean that was my XWW, but it wasn't her. Wasn't the person I had spent all that time with.

But also it did bother me a bit, I was always able to speak with her, even during the A and D process as we never had any communication issues or fights.

I just felt as if what's the point to engage in any conversation if it's over and done with.

I have thought about what I would do if she came back........... and while I think I would not give it another go........I can't say for sure b/c I was never presented that option.........

Well I feel a bit of relief today b/c yesterday I found out XWW is pregnant with POSOMS child.

And it kind of sealed the deal for me, as if I can take another huge leap in moving forward.

If anything it's disheartening to see the celebration behind it. People that I would have consider my friends at one point congratulating that giant mess.

Do people have no moral compass anymore?

I don't care who it is, you would never see me congratulate anyone, hold a party for anyone especially for two people who have openly committed adultery and have created a child out of it.

So I guess M is the next step for them? Can't wait to hear the story about how Mom and Dad met, or perhaps that will be a lie as well.

What are the stats on that working out in the long run? That can't be good lol.

And to think I warned her of this......



It does makes me think that wayward's have some sort of death wish, that they are just going to go down in flames to prove everyone that they were right in their decision......even if it destroys their life in the end.

Was OM also M at the time?

Even Dr. Harley hasn't been successful with saving affairages.

Read this.
Affairages:A must Read Dr. Harley responds himself
Affairage:Radio clips

finah, If I were around 8 years ago, I could've posted these exact same words. I actually got triggered by what I pulled out of your post. What got me through it was PBing about 40-50 mutual friends who were going back and forth between us and insisting on updating me on what was happening with them. At that time I had no knowledge of MB or the concepts, it was just pure instinct to completely remove myself from the elements that constantly caused me so much pain. It was simply survival mode. You may not think these little updates from "well intentioned" people are doing you harm, but they are.

If I were you I would ditch ANYONE who has any positive association with that impending train wreck. Believe me pal, it will do you one helluva world of good. And you deserve the peace. You've been through enough.

Oh, BTW, I don't think I've ever posted to you so, "Howdy".

Agree. Plan B the whole lot of them. Are you in Plan B while your D? How did you find out about the pregnanacy? Facebook?

Sorry for the t/j, but Wes would love to read your story and personal recovery?

BH, I've thought about it, but it's been so long now, I just don't see the point in wasting bandwidth and time when they could be better utilized by trying to help someone, somehow. I may one day, but frankly, being self employed and the primary caregiver for an Alzheimer's patient (my mother) I don't have a lot of time to write out the 25 year slow motion train wreck that my life has become.

This is funny though. I'm reminded of a little spat that I had on GJM's thread about PB and him Plan Aing himself into divorce court (this was my little golden nugget of MB wisdom/ignorance). It's pretty silly now that I think about it, but I was actually arguing against everything I had already instinctively done without the benefit of MB!

LOL! I actually had it right without the benefit of the MB playbook way back when, but then had the gall to argue against what I had already successfully employed with 2 people telling me what I had done was right without them having the benefit at that time knowing what I had done! I'm still shaking my head over just what the hell was I thinking then.

Can you define irony any better than that???

Oh, and the two I'm talking about are Mel and Scotty.

I remember reading that on GJM's thread. I like how you took responsibility and owned up.

You can tell you know MB and whenever you share a little about your past I'm always intrigued (but I go back and read threads from the very beginning because. I read so much). I was reading just today from 2002 and OS posters were exchanging email addresses and meeting in person. Now I see why the PMs are disabled on here and you can't exchange email. Love the boundaries.

I love how MB and Dr. Harley have evolved and learned from past mistakes to make this such a wonderful place for personal and marital growth.


25 years? I always think you're in your mid 30s. Any kids?

So sorry about your mom TW. That is such a tough disease. You can tell you've been through a lot.

No BH, I'm 48, although some of my posts may appear that I'm in my mid 30's. Hell, for that matter my mid teens. I'm hitting my stride a little better now, but there's an incredible amount of stress in my life right now which is why I don't post that often anymore. I tend to let the stress that I'm under influence some of the things I say, and that's wrong. It's only happened a couple of times, but that's two times too many. And, no, last night wasn't one of them and the night before wasn't one of those times either. I meant everything I said to sadsam.


Like you, having read some posts from way back, it is refreshing to see what this place truly has become. It's quite a blessing to so many out there that are in so much pain. We all know that pain.


Thank you, BH. Been through a lot, and it's only going to get worse. I was thinking this afternoon about the irony between Alzheimer's and adultery, or any other crisis for that matter. It really doesn't matter what the crisis is, but it really does ferret out who your true friends and family are and what they are made of.

I'm not liking what I'm seeing (and it's really not pretty) but that's okay. I can't waste time worrying about what everyone else does or doesn't do. Of course, the fight that may ensue when it's time to divvy up the financial spoils will certainly garner a helluva lot more attention from whomever than whomever trying to help the one person that provided those spoils.

You know what? I don't give a damn. They can have it all. I really don't give a [censored]. I know I can look in the mirror and know I did the best I could.

I can live with that.

LOL, can you tell I'm a little pissed tonight??



finah, sorry for the t/j

Let's get back to MB. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent SOMEWHERE for a second and I don't have a lot of avenues to do that venting. Sorry for the disruption. Having a tough night. My apologies.

finah, well done on some great Plan B'ing WXW in person. Plan B is clearly doing you wonders... you didn't get dragged into her mess when months ago, lets face it, you would have.

I'm sorry for the bomb drop about the pregnancy, and the fall out with people you thought you knew. Adultery sure shows people's moral compass. I have found that painful, to think I spent so many years thinking I knew people, and trusted they had my back. It shows the full effects of adultery... a betrayed is very rarely betrayed only by the wayward. That is taking me a while to come to terms with.

I think many people, particularly family of the wayward, tend to want to support the A for the sake of the child. In my sitch, a SIL told me when Gollum made his "happy" announcement, she told him if he thought he was going to get congratulations, he was wrong... and that this should be the happiest time of his life, and wasn't.

We don't know what others are telling the waywards, and frankly, we don't want to know. Some people will congratulate and are not worth our time. But there are some people who will be judging them finah. Count on it.

Who knows if an affairage is the next step? We don't, although I admit that I occasionally am curious about this too. But thinking about it doesn't do me any favours so I just think to myself "Gollum is a fool" and distract myself. Actually, I think Gollum is a fool to just about every question that might pop up. To help with processing this knowledge, educate yourself with the links BH posted about the odds. It helped me to read about this. There is part of me that takes comfort in knowing the A is doomed, even if part of me feels uncomfortable for the OC being caught in the middle.

I agree with TW, Plan B the mutal friends who are feeding this information to you. I have found the friends who have supported the A have cut contact with me, they don't tend to like hearing / seeing a betrayed's pain and I think this says a lot about them and their "friendship". Luckily, I largely had good friends, so I have ended up with the majority.

I remember commenting to my IM in the early days that I believed OW would get pregnant. I see it as the wayward's desperate need to validate the relationship, so they rush. They feel in competition on some level with the betrayed, and don't have the time or commitment to build history. They are so seflish they don't want to consider that they haven't shored up any foundation, and are bringing an innocent child into it.

Meanwhile, you have discovered MB, and when ready, are free to form a relationship, and build on it with right principles. Leave the waywards to the custody disputes...

You know on the surface, I would of said it doesn't affect me much, b/c I felt like I had a plan, a way out, whereas she didn't. But removed completely it's a whole lot clearer that even the smallest thing impedes that moving forward process.

You know I think people just go along with it........b/c it's not their life......they don't care anymore than the next person.


Clearly Gollum and XWW will have some serious hurdles to clear. The "idea" of starting a family I will admit, is fun.....even considering the horrible circumstances in which it was created, but life has a way of catching up to you........always does. In my eyes, real life, hasn't set it for them, problems that were present for the waywards that led them astray in the first place will seem pretty superficial and non-significant when it comes time to raise a child and likely being forced into a M b/c of it.

They just made a giant circle.

Their previous M wasn't good enough in their eyes so they strayed.

"They had no choice but to go outside the marriage for happiness"

So now here they are. Most likely in a unplanned pregnancy forced into another M.

With no time in b/w.

Let me know how that works out for you.


I do count on it. You know my mother and sister asked me what XWW do when you turned and walked away. And I said she kept glancing up to see where I was the entire time I was there and got in her car and I'm sure cried the whole way home.

And you know they said " it doesn't make sense "

None of this has made any sense from day one. I never understood why XWW would keep telling me ILY yet continue along that path.




I agree, the OC.......I feel for.

It was thru FB which I don't visit much and I have removed all those people.


I think this is the most interesting aspect, the dynamics behind everything. Their need for constant validation. I guess what happens when that all runs out and people no longer see them as a "new happy couple" or a "new family"

IMO that's when the cash out starts to happen.



Oh well. I feel good about where I am, I'm in a relationship that I'm happy about and life is good.