It's just humans being humans.

Actually, we get many people who come here and explain to us very earnestly why the plans here won't possibly work in their situation. Those are usually the ones who return, but it's to admit that their way failed and they are now ready to listen.

I am one of those posters who said I wish I had listened. There are MANY programs out there to follow to try to repair a marriage. There are more opinions and ideas than we could ever try. Looking back at friends of my parents, advice from them, following anyone's story through my life, I now see the the principles that are outlined for us here on MB are the ones that worked. They weren't called lovebusters, or organized into ideas and stragegies as they are here. But, when you think about it, when your grandparents said, "respect eachother", "don't yell", "communicate", "be honest", etc... these MB principles are basically what they were saying. The advice I have heard through my life, that I lost sight of, was basically what MB is trying to instill in everyone willing to learn.

In regards to exposure, I completely understand where you are coming from. They keep telling you how important it is b/c it IS vital that it be blown wide open to try to save your marriage. That does not mean it is the only way, but it IS hugely effective!!!!! My H. hides behind his secrecy. He has his whole life. He cares more about what people think than who he hurts or what is character is. So, exposure shamed him (I didn't do it quite right, but basically have trickle exposed to almost everyone.) Your H on the other hand may not care what anyone thinks. I don't know. I know if you don't want to, then you aren't going to. Please just keep the option to expose somewhere close. It is a fantastic tool to get it all out there, so you can begin the work to save your marriage. Do you think your H cares enough? Is it worth saving?

I am sorry that you have to worry about your parent's and your family's response if you should expose. I have to say that it is YOUR marriage, and I hope that they would respect your desire to make your marriage work should you ever expose. It isn't their marriage or their choice. It would be WRONG for them to start the campaign to get you to divorce. I feel for you here. They wouldn't abandon you or your children if you exposed and didn't do what they wanted you to do would they? I hope they love you and your grandchildren enough to stand by you however you choose to handle it.

You sound like you are strong and very capable. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

alis,

I never said my marriage is awesome. and yes, I realize the forum is about this one program. It took me a while to figure out what the deal was, I admit, but I get it now. Thats totally fine. Had I really realized that, which I could have had i read all the stuff before getting into pouring my heart out on this thread, maybe i would have thought twice about starting this thread. I realize my H knocked up another woman, he told me all about it, but thanks.

ty littlebit . I know they don't think i should be with him, and i've fought a lot on behalf of the integrity of our marriage with my family. i've cut them off before and they have come around a little.

my H cares a lot. He looks terrible, he has not been sleeping, hes lost weight (like me). obviously this has been a terribly painful time for me, but it is for him too. Believe it or not hes got a strong sense of right and wrong and he has violated his principles and is seriously sorrowful about that to the point i worry about him.

at the end of the day i'm the one who has to live with the consequences here i'm the one who has to weigh the pros and the cons and decide what is best for me and my family on this, not anybody else on this board. i need and want the help of my family... i don't want to add to my burden by having to cut them off again.

I would say that if things don't work out and i'm massively mistaken about everything i'd come back and use your advice to the letter, but the seriously truth is, i wouldn't need it at that point.

RT, I just want to point out that you are the least objective person on this thread and have no idea how to save a marriage. None at all. Your best thinking has all but destroyed your marriage. So it is clear you don't have the necessary skills to save a marriage. That's fine to cherry pick a program when you have the credentials and expertise to know better. But you don't.

Your marriage is a wreck because of your own bad decisions and here you are telling people - who are in fully recovered marriages - that you know better. That is like the fat woman telling the slim people that she knows better how to lose weight. That she is "unique." Do you think that is smart?

Of course we can't help you if you won't listen and follow the advice.

p.s. and if you aren't going to listen to us, then why come here and ask for advice you aren't going to take? We are all volunteers who could be helping others, who are serious, save their marriages instead of wasting our time here.

oh melody, i didn't ask you to read my thread. if i'm a waste of time, quit responding how easy is that? no one has to, so i refuse to feel bad about that. when i first came i didn't know what the deal was, or like i said, i probably would have hesitated about sharing my story here. my marriage is NOT a wreck because of MY bad decisions, last i checked, it was my H who made the bad decisions. try again. you want to cut me down and make me feel worse than i already feel unless i do everything you say step by step? shoot me while i'm down? if that makes you feel better go ahead. thats usually what i do to my friends who are in pain, they dont think a piece of my advice fits, i'm sure to be nasty in return. good luck with that.

You are wasting valuable board member's time here. Why come here and ask for advice if you are not wise enough to take it?

Wouldn't you agree you have no idea how to save a marriage?

by the way if the fat woman has a thyroid problem, the advice of the others might not help at all, fyi.

why do you keep talking to me and allowing me to waste your precious time melody?

By the way, your husband did not wreck your marriage alone. Sure, he had an affair, but you are equally responsible for the poor state of your marriage. In other words, your best thinking screwed up your marriage and here you are rejecting sound advice to fix it.

Why ask for advice that you are too arrogant to take? Why waste board members time asking for advice you aren't going to take?

i asked for advice, i listened, i read the links provided carefully, and i decided that parts of it i cannot take. its as simple as that. just because someone is kind enough to give me advice and their honest opinion doesnt mean i am obligated to do everything they say.

**************EDIT*****************

Why come here and ask for advice you aren't going to take? Can you answer the question? Is it because you think you know better than people who have saved their marriages?

I have answered you melody. you see, when i ask for advice its not a given that i'm going to take it. my obligation is to listen, because i have asked, and to take it seriously. thats where my obligation begins and ends. i say 'ty for taking the time to listen and give me your opinion', which i have done here, because i appreciate people taking the time to do that. i then decide, for myself, if i think the advice would help my situation or not. there's nothing more to it.

And how do you know the advice will help your situation or not since you have absolutely NO IDEA how to save a marriage and are the LEAST objective person on this thread?

What are your credentials in saving a marriage?

little I think you have a point there for sure! ... they have let their loyalty and concern for me blind them to the fact that he is a creature of God too. if he wasn't involved with me, and then married to me, they'd act a lot differently but they don't see it... i think theyd like him just fine too. and i so agree with you, that my first loyalty is to my H before my parents, and will choose him over them if thats the choice.

i've been reading some of the other materials on the site too, its interesting. im also getting some other books too, besides MC which we have planned.

thanks for your encouragement

Please familiarize yourself with MB concepts before you post to those who are seeking help. The purpose of this forum is to learn and implement MB concepts; it is not to share personal philosophies!

This reminds me of a woman I knew a few years ago. Same deal: her husband was screwing around on her and then broke it off with OW. He laid in bed, crying. He lost weight. He moped around the house. He told his wife his behavior was over his remorse and sorrow for what he had done to his family.

Well, it turns out that he wasn't quite as honest about his actions as he could have been. He was actually in withdrawal from his addiction to OW. He broke not too long after that and returned to OW, and divorced his wife.

The last I heard, WH and OW were married and - wait for it - having marital problems. Gee, anyone surprised?

Here's what you wrote when you began posting two days ago, emphasis mine:

Contact has not ended. I suspect your WH is in withdrawal. I suspect you are avoiding the unpleasantness that you view when you consider completely killing this affair because you have found a reason to dismiss every suggestion that has been made to you (by people who have been where you are), to-wit:

You don't want to snoop.

You don't believe in polygraphs.

You prefer to keep your parents in the loop to help with your children instead of being honest with them about the nature of your marriage.

You would rather keep your lease agreement than get out of Dodge, even though OW has already demonstrated that she can successfully contact your husband whenever she wishes.

The NC letter has not been sent.

WH has not changed his contact avenues. What do you think blocking her email is going to do? I'll tell you: it will prompt her to send him an email from another email address. As a matter of fact, I don't recall you mentioning anything of substance that your husband - or you - have done to annihilate this affair.

Your husband appears to be suffering from withdrawal, yet you consider him a principled man who is suffering from his actions. (See my friend's story, above.)

You are choosing to trust you husband when he has demonstrated to you that he is not worthy of that trust. I suspect that is because you believe that path is easier. You are taking that path at your peril, tulip.

You appear to be desperately looking for a reason to assume that nothing needs to be done to affair-proof your marriage, when it is clear to those of us who have been in your shoes that you are at one of the most dangerous points in your marriage: two spouses who know about the affair and are doing nothing to kill it (because it's not dead) and affair-proof the marriage so it doesn't happen again.