The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

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Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

I wonder if everyone wanted to know of past affairs...maybe what you don't know won't hurt you. Not sure I want to know more.

I have seen people give their spouse a list of questions that is much longer and more in depth BEFORE the poly, than the one that will actually be asked at the poly.

Your WS doesn't need to know, for instance, that there will only be 3-5 questions allowed on the test, or that you will not be permitted to ask about emotion. It may be an opportunity to get more information before the test.

However, even if you get information before the test, follow through with it anyway. It is also common for someone to give a portion of the truth to make their spouse feel like they confessed all, to get out of giving the whole truth at the poly.

bewildered, most of the benefit of a polygraph comes from getting information from them BEFORE the test. You don't tell them what questions you will be asking, but tell him you are giving him an amnesty period to come clean BEFORE the test but that you fully expect him to pass the test.

Hand him the list of questions a couple of days before the test and tell him you want the full truth NOW and you will test his honesty at the polygraph.

The reason Dr Harley isn't as excited as the forum about polygraphs is because he has not seen the great results from confessions BEFORE the test. It is AMAZING how many waywards spill their guts before the test. Most people do not like to flunk the test so they are inclined to spill it all beforehand.