Mind blowing, huh? Yep, irony is dripping all over the place here, but this is the path you have chosen. These are the consequences of your choices. I know your BH played a part in this, but you are the one that made the ultimate awful choice that lead you to where you are now. I know it sucks to high heaven to feel you have to carry the load, but if this is what you really want, then it's incumbent upon you to do so without complaint or expectations. You made your bed.

As a BS myself, I certainly understand his view point. Oh, he still loves you, but he doesn't trust you with his heart. Can you blame him? Trust takes time. It takes time at the onset of a relationship, but after trust has been established, and then shattered, well, that trust takes quite a while longer to get established again. If you really want to do this then brace yourself for the long haul, and the not so remote possibility it might be for naught.

Remember, you don't have to do all this. You can walk away. You can find love, comfort, and build trust with someone else.

It's up to you.

Nope, no can do. Love him so much and would give anything to make it work. Yes, i need to suck it up and just keep going... i just have bad days when i feel like we are getting nowhere.

And i was just thinking, after reading over some stuff on forgiveness... it's never actually occured to me to ask for forgiveness. That's actually kinda embarrassing. What I did is completely unworthy of forgiveness... unless you are God. So i NEVER expect forgiveness from my H... i hope for another chance though. And i guess i do expect respect and love and care from him as we rebuild.

Then suck it up and get back to business! And, yes, he is capable of forgiving you. It's simply up to you to give him an honest reason to.

Keep on chuggin'!!

BV, i know you're frustrated. but you see, for your BH, it's still early days. it's not so much the a, as the trickle truth, the relatively recent reignition of the a, and the fact that you were going to leave your BH for the OM. it's the time in between (before Nov) - the FR if you will - and knowing all the lies that keeps your BH from being able to trust you yet. WSs forget that BSs aren't on the same timeline; it's not over for us - it's just begun. WSs want everything "over with" and to just forget and start over. the BS is incapable of doing that, and believe me, it's not because we wouldn't prefer it just being "over."

BV, i couldn't even start to think about being with my WH until more than 6 months down the line, and even then it was a hard row (we didn't have MB then). the lying takes a horrible toll on the BS. there are times when we wonder if it just wouldn't be better to throw in the towel and find someone we can have a fresh, adultery-free relationship with. some days those thoughts can be louder than others. i once was proud of a long-term, adultery free M. now i can NEVER have that. it's been stolen from me. the pain of that does, however, heal with time. a LOT of time.

he took you to a party! with mutual friends! that's a huge step! however, i do agree that you guys could be doing a lot better if you were living together. it is hard to start recovery when you're separated. if you want him, you just keep walking the walk. "whatever for however long it takes."

keep remembering the lake. you're filling it with sand, right (EN meeting)? you WILL get a peninsula eventually! but maybe right now you can be thinking estuary

What I did is completely unworthy of forgiveness... unless you are God.

You are giving the word "forgiveness" too much content.

Forgiveness is the choice by the aggrieved party NOT to take action against the offender. In the case of adultery, the action would be dissolution. BH has apparently decided not to take that route to date. In essence you have from him the "forgiveness" you want.

What I think you remain in search of is something closer to "absolution", in which the granter will expunge the stain of the action from all record and history, as if it were never committed.

As long as memory continues, no human can grant another person absolution, if for no other reason than the offender will retain memory of what (s)he did.

The best thing to get to a new normal of marital relationship you're already doing - actualizing a new understanding of marital responsibility and burying BH in as much JC as you can.

Remember, recovery can take (and should be allotted) two YEARS to manifest itself. Work the program. Trust in it.

BV, you're not as far onto the post-adultery road as I am, but I just wanted to reiterate TW's post here - it IS a long haul. You do have the power to decide when to give up and walk away. (Me, I have pretty much everybody IRL and on this board - including Dr. H himself - telling me it's PAST time to give up and yet for some reason I am still here!)

I don't have an answer for you, other than if you want him, if you want your M, then yes, unfortunately, you may not get your EN's met for a while. It can - well, shoot - it WILL be lonely and frustrating, at least at times, but the GOOD thing is that now, unlike pre-A, you know that the whole "giving w/o getting"/unmet EN's line is not why adultery happens - the reason we committed adultery is b/c of our poor boundaries. And that is something concrete that we can fix.

tst told me many times on my thread that part of my problem was having expectations. That I allowed myself to be bothered by the "no-strings" SF that broken wanted because I expected that by filling his need for SF, I'd get ______ in return, yet I didn't get ______ in return. In my FWS version of "Plan A", I struggled mightily with having no expectations.

And, if the MB program is followed, in time as your BH's LB$ is filled, he will reach the romantic threshold and he will reciprocate, filling your LB$. The mutual need-meeting could happen sooner if you move back in under one roof. Living under one roof is not a guarantee things are going to work (broken & I being case in point) BUT you stand a much better chance, plus it is just easier to meet ENs day-to-day if you are living together.

Hi guys, thanks for your replies. Will post again in a day or so. Been busy back home with DD & H... and now DD is sick! Talk soon

Hello all,

quick update. Still feeling much of the same - lonely, and frustrated. However just trying to concentrate on the positive things in life and trying not to have expectations.

I'm moving out of the rental i've had for 4 months next weekend. Its been a very stressful time as i basically now don't have anywhere for me and my DD to stay on my weeks here. But after disscussion with H & his parents it's agreed that i'll live there in the loft. H still wants his own space (own room) but appreciates that i have no where to go atm. In other words, even if our job siutations allowed us to move closer to work, he still wouldn't be ready to move back in together. *sigh*

Also last week i got another let down, didn't get a job i'd had an interview for... which i'd stupidly got my hopes up about. So for now i'm still commuting which is really taking it's toll.

Have been missing the forum and need to make sure i stay on it as it helps keep me focussed.

Thats all for now.
Ciao

BV, you may want to start thinking about a possible divorce. I am starting to think that your H wants to keep you on the hook for his own reasons, which may not include remaining married. You have done a good job of redeeming yourself. If there was any indication that he was into recovering your marriage I think it would have happened by now.

I would suggest you consider divorce unless you are unwilling to do so and don't mind your current state of limbo.

Wowsers MaritalBliss.



Maybe i was too negative in that previous post.

I do actually understand the time he needs. It's just hard to take.

I guess at this point he's able to get SF whilst keeping his distance - which he will feel entitled do because of my 'crime'. How long this will keep going is hard to know.

I can't file for divorce for another 15 months anyway....

At this point i'm happy to hang in there because lots of the time we are having together is really lovely. Last weekend we took a day trip with our DD, and also went to the movies and dinner.

I'm still not getting much on the communication front - but i'm getting much more time spend in rec activites.


I Think we are both avoiding conversation about 'us' or 'it' like the plauge. Maybe it's not such a bad thing though since we are building on other stuff...

When you move into his parents, won't you be together alot more?

Yes, essentially living together but in seperate bedrooms. Every second week.

So yeah... but the text conversation when i asked him went like this

me "do you want to share your room with me or shall i ask for the loft space?

him "No. I want my own space. Let me do things in my own time when i'm ready".

Well being there every other week gives you the best time to meet his EN.

Can you do this?

I'm going to return to principles and point out that ten months is NOT two years. Given the vector you've been on since last October, even thinking about dissolution at this time would be premature and damaging.

And tell me I'm not the only one to see the nugget of hope in the answer below:

"No. I want my own space. Let me do things in my own time when i'm ready."

The word he chose was "when", not "if".

EAOTP, BV. with NO EXPECTATIONS!

That's good. That's how you build romantic love.
If that meets his needs and builds romantic love, then this is a positive, not a negative.

Again, you cannot TALK one another into a good marriage. You have to act to build a good marriage. After all, this site is Marriage Builders, not Marriage Talkers.

Few relationships are built on long conversations about "us." They are built when you DO the things that build romantic love and don't DO the things that destroy it.

As long as you are DOING, then you are making progress. Talking not only doesn't do much, but can open the door to some pretty nasty Love Busters.

BV-

I have followed your saga as I do most FWW who are desperate to regain their marriages. All remorseful and willing to what it takes.

Maybe its because I quickly chose to forgive my wife when perhaps I could have volleyed her emotions for a stretch while getting the same level of SF I am getting now? I could get her in the sack (my numero uno need) while getting all the other perks of a normal marriage that mine pre dday was lacking. I could keep her on edge with moodiness and crotchety attitudes. This appeals to the devil in me. Sure, my wife was one with her LTA and the myriad of dastardly things she did to me throughout her A. I am not that person though.

The notion of playing with her emotions while I came to a decision about our future never dawned on me early on. And my hurt is/was no less any other guy's. Maybe because I know (as does she) I can still leave her at any time. No statute of limitations on her cheating, in my book. I choose with the encouraging of a lot of others here to let forgiveness work its magic. Harboring a resentment, like your husband, is damaging to his health both physical and mental.

I never really talked about it here but another thing I see in you and Wulfpack Girl that I dont in my wife is a level of sophistication. I do love my wife dearly, but I can say she can be described as simple maybe even shallow in some ways. I dont see that in your or WPG's writings. Theres a depth of emotion I cant get from my wife that i get from you and WPG. So, when I learned of my W's A, as hurtful as it was its not terribly unimaginable her getting easily swayed by shiny objects and fancy dinners from another man. Factor is a lot of other things she must have gotten used to from him as well.

Is it conceivable to you that you husband holds (or held) you in such a high level of refinement(trying to find a better word than sophistication) that discovering your affair was beyond the realm of forgiveness?

I feel for the number of you ladies who made a mistake and want to make amends yet get rebuffed.

Your husband is missing out on the best possible outcome.

Actually, in looking into legal definitions of adultery, once it's been forgiven, it doesn't count any more (legally). You have to read the legal definitions to see what constitutes "forgiven" as it varies state to state. By the same token, I don't think it gives you a "get out of marriage free" card whenever you want in the future, once you've started recovery process. A new instance of cheating would create that though.

BV, I relate to your commuting weariness...I commute over 100 miles per day, not bad in the summer, but in the snow, it's laborious!

Notwithstanding the law, I have the option to leave without guilt at any point. Its not something I wear like a badge, but its kept locked away in my head.

For how long do you feel that you have this option? At what point would you say that you loose the option to leave? Do you believe that once your spouse has been unfaithful, you have a "get out of M card free" for life?

[/quote]For how long do you feel that you have this option? At what point would you say that you loose the option to leave? Do you believe that once your spouse has been unfaithful, you have a "get out of M card free" for life? [/quote]

Excellent question Mr. Eureka. Very thought provoking indeed�.

I would go as far as to say this is a double edge sword for both sides. My FWW is fearful that at some point I am going to cash in my chips and just say �this isn�t worth it�. I am fearful that she might at some point return to a dishonest life. We both have fears that only mutual care and time will ease.

IMO, all we can all do is our best every day. Try to make the best decisions in the best interest in the marriage and let the chips fall where they may. We can only control ourselves.

However, with that said, I do believe Dr. Harley would have a real problem with anyone holding a �get out of marriage free card� dangling in front of our WS indefinitely. Especially if it was used in a disrespectful way to get what a BS wants.
They deserve to earn the right to be just as secure as we are. Wouldn�t you agree?

The basis of MB is to have a long-term, romantic relationship with our spouse. How can that occur if either side holds more cards? Doesn�t make sense to me.