Using resentment as punishment...

After reading that post I understand the concept of just compensation and wishing that my ww got it. It has been a struggle since her 6 month A came to light. I still don't think she gets it. That is my number one complaint. She takes a good flight path for a couple of weeks and then when I begin to struggle with memories of the past the wheels fall off the bus.

We have done a polygraph, but I still find it hard to believe she is telling me the whole truth. Brutal honesty is important to me. When someone lies to your face when the affair is revealed and continues to lie for weeks and weeks, it is hard to believe that when push comes to shove that brutal honesty will prevail.

We traveled to visit my son back east in May. That is the first time that I have felt relaxed in a year and a half. My company has positions around the globe, but my ww is not willing to move.

I guess the best way to describe what I am feeling is that for months I had the fire-fighting equipment on and was battling a blaze. Now the adrenaline has worn off and I find it difficult to believe that I lived through the past 18 months. The feeling of despair, memories of my wifes actions and the combination of my life turing upside down really take me down.

While I was able to keep the family together during the first year my wife seems unable to help me now.

Good clip about moving after an affair.
Radio clip on moving locations after an affair

THG12,

Did you see this post? You need to eliminate the triggers that remind you of the affair. Do you need some help coming up with a plan to do this?

Dr. Harley identifies two causes for continuing resentment after an affair.

In most cases, the plan for recovery has not been followed completely, so the recovery is not complete, and there is still resentment.

In some cases, the plan for recovery has been followed, but the offended spouse has held onto resentment for what psychologists call "secondary gain": they get something out of feeling miserable and using their feelings to gain something from their spouse.

In your case, the plan for recovery has not been followed completely. You need to eliminate the triggers that are reminding you of the affair, or you will not be able to recover, and you will continue to feel resentment. Also, you need to quit bringing up the affair to your wife. Once you have received all of the information you need about how the affair happened and how to prevent it from recurring, you and your wife need to never bring up the affair again, and instead spend your time following Dr. Harley's program for recovery.

This seems like a matter of your wife not being willing to offer you Just Compensation.

You suffered not only an affair, but also a False Recovery in the fact that you thought it was over and yet it was still going on and you were being spoon fed more lies. FR's seem to have an even greater amount of recovery process because they are so devastating.

Now your wife seems to be dedicated to R but yet in a way you feel she still 'doesn't get it,' she is not willing to relocate to help YOU and your M heal from the A by getting you away from very painful triggers, etc.

Did your wife send a NC letter? Do you feel like she has given you all the details and information about the A that you need? If not, would she be willing to take a polygraph test to help you feel like you have gotten all details?

Dr Harley advises to not discuss the A after you have all the information about it you need. The second part of this is important however. If you feel she has not been forthright with information, or feel there is still deception somewhere, or did not get all of your questions answered, that will prevent you from being able to move on from these thoughts and discussions.

You are spending the UA time together. Are you working to fill each other's most important EN's? Have you eliminated love busters from your M?

How is your wife making you feel like she is 'not getting it' and what would you like to see her do to provide you with JC?

Yes, please provide guidance how I can remove triggers from my day to day life.

If you want to recover, then when you struggle with memories of the past, you still have to follow the plan for recovery. Don't discuss the affair.

Can you tell us what you've done? What have you followed?

In order to not bring the affair up with my wife would you suggest a stronger support group that I can talk to? How does that work?

Have you tried getting out for a DATE? Dr. Harley's plan is that you need to plan a romantic experience. The same kind of thing you did when you were dating.

It has to truly be the most enjoyable part of your week. If you aren't enjoying it yet, more than anything else you do, then you need to change something.

At first the anxiety ruled my life. I would drive past locations associated with the affair and it would drive me crazy. As time progressed I found that I could at least drive past these locations without freaking out. The OG's family owns a chain of stores. My wife worked for the company for 25 years. After the affair they built a new store 4 blocks from our home.

No, just quit doing it. It's a habit you need to eliminate, with practice.

THG, has your wife affair proofed her life? For example, has she ended opposite sex friendships? Does she ever see the OM? Is her lifestyle completely transparent?

Dr Harley says that when the PRESENT is happy, one does not tend to have resentment about the past. It doesn't sound like you and your wife have taken the steps to make the present happy.

One of the most glaring problems is you continue to talk about the affair. But that seems to be triggered by your environment. I would strongly consider moving out of the area. This is a quality of life issue that is keeping you crippled.

For one thing, you are driving past triggers every day. You need to either find a different route to drive, or move.

Dr. Harley says in many cases it is almost impossible to recover from an affair without moving, assuming the affair happened in the same town. You have to get out and start a new life, to escape from reminders of the old life.

Did you listen to this?

My husbands affair was in 2000 and I remember being triggered as late as 2005 while living in the same house. [we didn't do a good job of following the MB program] The house we lived in triggered me somewhat and there was a stretch of road that would trigger me.

It wasn't until we went through the MB program [May 2007] and then MOVED to a new town [June 2007] that our marriage escalated into a truly romantic, passionate marriage.

The quality of our marriage has improved 1000 fold since that happened, and just continues to get better and better every year.

I don't think everyone has to move but if a BS finds himself continually triggered it might be a good idea.

No, I truly do not believe she has given me all of the details. She has taken a polygraph and passed three questions, but the A went unknown from May to October and the details just do not add up. Once I found out she begged to stay together but just couldnt give up her job (i.e. financial security) I agree and then later found out she was continuing to pursue the OG. We spend UA time together. The downfall usually occurs after a couple of good weeks when the memories start to rush in. I start to have a bad day, she tries to help and then we start to go down hill from there.

Does she still work with this OM?

Oddly, my husbands affair didn't even take place in my state, but I was triggered when I was close to the place I was at when I discovered it. I also associated my home with all the unhappiness and bitterness from the affair. None of that followed me when I moved!

No, she left the company in March 2011. Spent two months of Sundays laying on the bedroom floor (her life was ruined) started a new job at a local university and has been there just over one year.