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That would explain his anxiety right now. He is in withdrawal because he is reading here about the PI? It just screams of a wayward that knows the gig is up and is trying to placate the betrayed to get things back to normal. Deb, as an aside, please get a handle on your finances. Previous posts seem to indicate that you aren't aware of what your WH spends your money on. Whatever financial records he has shown you, ask to see the "real" ones because this guy probably has a whole other second life that you know absolutely nothing about.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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If he is at a point of saying he is done with OW, why not ask him for a NCletter, polygraph, and EPs? I have asked him for NC letter and he won't write it. All I want at this time is to show my husband that I love him, gather proof that affair is still going on, and then go into plan B. I will have my list of things that he must do if he wants to end his affair with OW for life and be with me, including NC letter, polygraph, and EPs set forth in an addendum to my plan B letter. I think I am on the right track, but if not, please help me get there. I'm listening!
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His actions are WAY stronger than his words.
He wants two women and he wants them now.
Ignore all blah, blah, blah.
Stop trying to educate him but instead be one non love busting woman with firm boundaries of what is acceptable to you as a human being.
Prepare to Plan B him by continuing Plan A and crafting a Plan B letter (post it here for editing) and line up your ducks in a row should the marriage need to go to plan B for a 'time out' or on the way to plan D.
I think he is keeping MUCH from you (when the affair began and so on).
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ok, Deb, I am getting very alarmed here because we are now DAYS into this and you still have not taken any steps to bust him. WHY NOT? Instead you are making long posts about his fogbabble. This is a waste of time and a distraction from taking necessary steps. You need to spy on your husband, get the goods and end this drama. Hire the PI and get the goods. Then expose the affair. Posting his drama will not resolve this sitution. He is still in touch with the OW, probably going by her house every day, and you need to flush this out. Do you have a GPS on his car? If not, go buy a zoombak and put it on his car TODAY: http://www.zoombak.com/store-locator/us/Hire the PI and get him following your husband NOW. There is nothing to wait for. Please stop posting his fogbabble. It will not help your marriage. I'm sorry for venting, sharing the emotional drama (fogbabble), and wasting everyone's time. That was not my intent, and I am very sorry. From my snooping on hubby's computer, there is no evidence that he has been accessing the MB website or this discussion forum. I have not told him about this forum. But, I realize it is possible that he has access to other computers I don't know about and he may be following this thread. I should just assume he is snooping on me the same as I am snooping on him, and I should discontinue posting.
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Well, my two cents.... If he is by some chance reading this forum, he already knows your plans. Maybe just quit saying what you are doing or what you are planning to do.???? I think you need the support of everyone here to keep your mind as clear as possible and to help keep your moral up!!
Last edited by Littlebit3; 08/02/12 11:54 AM.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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ok, Deb, I am getting very alarmed here because we are now DAYS into this and you still have not taken any steps to bust him. WHY NOT? Instead you are making long posts about his fogbabble.
This is a waste of time and a distraction from taking necessary steps... snip.... I'm sorry for venting, sharing the emotional drama (fogbabble), and wasting everyone's time. That was not my intent, and I am very sorry. WD, I believe MelodyLane was referring to a waste of YOUR time, not the posters. She's encouraging you to avoid wasting any of YOUR time listening to fogbabble and get to work on what you need to do to take care of yourself and to blow up the A fantasy.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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I'm sorry for venting, sharing the emotional drama (fogbabble), and wasting everyone's time. That was not my intent, and I am very sorry. Deb, you are wasting YOUR TIME writing about it. It is like taking the time to write out the rantings of a falling down drunk when you should be taking away his car keys. Dont vent, TAKE ACTION! I am trying to encourage you to make better use of your time by taking ACTION. This should not have gone on this long without uncovering his active affair. I KNOW he is still seeing her and this has to be uncovered. NOTHING ELSE matters until you have that intel. What are you doing NOW to uncover this? I should just assume he is snooping on me the same as I am snooping on him, and I should discontinue posting. I would email the moderators and let them know this is a possibility. They can suggest options. But why else would he say what he did about exposing the affair to the OW's friends? And have you been in touch with the OW's mother? I just don't see any proactive actions here and that is what is necessary to kill an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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For example, you have been here 2 weeks and that is plenty of time to find out where and how your H and the OW are meeting up. Where does she live? How are they meeting up? What is going on? Is he paying for her pad?
In order to move forward, you have to know all that. You have to have this intel in order to kill his affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Deb --
Your husband is trying to distract you with talk about dates and working on your marriage. He's hoping to passify you enough to keep you off the trail of the affair. He most definetly doesn't want you to disrupt his way of life (having 2 women meet his needs.)
You need to be a broken record: I am interested in saving this marriage if you give me the complete truth about your affair, backed up by a polygraph and a commitment to no-contact for life with OW. If you are willing to do what it takes, I will consider staying married to you.
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Your husband is trying to distract you with talk about dates and working on your marriage. He's hoping to passify you enough to keep you off the trail of the affair. He most definetly doesn't want you to disrupt his way of life (having 2 women meet his needs.) I agree with this very much. He is trying to throw her off balance by barraging her with fogbabble. And focusing on his lunacy just distracts her from saving her marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WD, on 25 July I posted the following to you:
Call an attorney and find out your rights and options. Hire a PI.
Kiddo, you have now gotten each of these pieces of advice from two posters. Unless you have serious experience dealing with fighting the effects of infidelity, I would urge you to rely more on our judgment and less on your instinct.
You are operating under a huge (but common) misconception. You believe that the current situation is one in which you and WH would operate as allies in this struggle. You cannot be more wrong. You and he are adversaries right now. What he wants, you DON'T want. He wants to make nicey-nicey with you on immaterial details, and your best strategy is to make this a roaring battle-royale.
Let me reiterate - There is nothing romantic, affectionate, nor tender about your relationship with WH right now. An active affair is not "niced" to its death.
Are you ready yet to believe, and more importantly, take action, on my advice?
If not, then let's cut through all of his crap and get to the nugget:
He's planning to support OW(hore) with YOUR financial assets so he can continue to screw her 22-year-old body whenever the mood strikes him.
Internalize that piece of information, friend, and then reconsider your answer to my question.
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If he is at a point of saying he is done with OW, why not ask him for a NCletter, polygraph, and EPs? I have asked him for NC letter and he won't write it. All I want at this time is to show my husband that I love him, gather proof that affair is still going on, and then go into plan B. I will have my list of things that he must do if he wants to end his affair with OW for life and be with me, including NC letter, polygraph, and EPs set forth in an addendum to my plan B letter. I think I am on the right track, but if not, please help me get there. I'm listening! Dr Harley has said that the NC letter is a good way to measure if the affair has ended. My wife also refused to write one giving every reason under the sun. At this point I think you should file for divorce and enter into plan B.
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And prior to filing for divorce and enterin into Plan B EXPOSE this affair
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Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Things are terrible. Enduring steady stream of abusive lovebusters. He spewed forth another angry and irrational tirade this morning, and I sit here fighting back the tears. He has launched a full-fledged attack against my family members and I'm frightened that he's causing irreparable damage. Knives to my heart....
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Have you hired a PI and obtained evidence of his ongoing affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Things are terrible. Enduring steady stream of abusive lovebusters. He spewed forth another angry and irrational tirade this morning, and I sit here fighting back the tears. He has launched a full-fledged attack against my family members and I'm frightened that he's causing irreparable damage. Knives to my heart....
And still the PI remains unemployed, and the lawyer remains unconsulted.....
WD. right now your tears are the prize for his efforts to put this on you. He can't do that without your active help, and quite frankly, by doing NOTHING to fight him, you're behaving as his best ally in this battle.
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Have you hired a PI and obtained evidence of his ongoing affair? The affair is ongoing and I have obtained sufficient evidence to satisfy myself that he is addicted. I now see him as a drunk driver who runs over everything and everyone in his path not caring one iota about the destruction he causes. My heart is breaking and there is a battle raging in my own head whether or not I want to save this marriage.
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My heart is breaking and there is a battle raging in my own head whether or not I want to save this marriage. By doing what you are doing, you will not save the marriage. Your only chance to save it is to STOP doing what you're doing and make a move. Have you noticed that us posters seem to be pretty peeved and frustrated about your situation? That's a sign that we see the train coming but little movement on your part. We aren't here writing to you for our health, but out of a genuine concern and desire for you to improve your life. You should have a similar desire. Make a move, Deb.
Last edited by Northwood8900; 08/09/12 12:47 PM.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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So sorry for what you are enduring. Have you ascertained how much of your marital funds have gone to this young skank?
Once you figure out if WH has bought her a car, rented her an apartment, etc., you can call her mother again. Let her mother know that her daughter will be hauled into court and sued for your half of the marital assets that were spent on her. OW will owe you for half of everything WH has spent on her. Her mother might get thru to her if you are talking about money she can't repay. You have to run her off. Just a thought. GF
Marriages don't fail, people do.
(And I don't recall who said it)
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