Have you answered all your BH's questions about the affair?

Does your BH post here also?

Listen to this with your BH. Dr. Harley talks about what it takes to recover from an affair.

Radio clip talking with a BW and a WH
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Yes I have. I told him if he has a question ask and I'll answer it, ever since I took the pg I don't have a problem telling him the truth.

Have you asked him what he needs to feel protected?

From his posts he needs a lot from you.

Have you changed all your contact information?

Are you still trying to move?

What are you doing to meet his top EN? What are his top EN?

Everyone wants to know why I am not posting, because I didn't feel when I put my story out there for help that I recieved any helpful advise. The only thing I feel this site is for are for angry betrayed spouses to take jabs at those who realize they made a mistake and are seeking help to fix what they broke. It stirs up old memories of what their spouse did to them and they lash out on people like me. Really my husband yesterday was asking for help on how to stop the images from entering his mind...He got NO ADVISE on that!!!! HELLO...oh wait he was told he wasn't responding quick enough. Well, let's see we are spending time with each other, our three kids, reading as often as we can, working, eating, sleeping, listening to sessions,,,is it more important that we meet your needs or work on our marriage? From what I understood we follow MB and if we have questions or need insight from helpful people we post, otherwise keep moving in the right direction if things are progressing. First he is asked what's going on, what is WW doing to help...he replies and is told this isn't a blog, we arenn't looking for updates, then what are you looking for?
My husband's #1 EN is honesty. Since before I took the poly I have been completely honest with him, I have told him things that don't relate to the affair that I knew would have bothered him, I am doing the radical honesty and have been excited about it. I have done everything he asked, changed my #, ended facebook which he always had my password for, was able to log him onto checking my work email from anywhere he wishes, said I would take polys as often as he would like even though he said it isn't necessary, sent a NC letter CERTIFIED, call him when I leave work to let him know Im on my way, call him from work if I am held over, set barriers now that I realize I didn't have them, agreed to move if he wishes, but he's not sure if it's necessary..I talk with him frequently throughout the day, I don't go to the store alone, either he is with me or my older kid's. Anything he thinks of I will do because I love him and am excited to gain a marriage we should have had if WE were meeting our emotional needs. All these realizations came from the books not the posts. The BOOKS are helping.
I can take tough love but when someone realizes what they did and comes for help, beating them down more which I didn't think was possible doesn't help. I stayed away from reading posts and posting because it almost pushed me away from him so you might want to reconsider your approach. Do what the initial page of the website says it provides...help to those who need it and valuable insight. Saying " sorry her little feeling were hurt" like one did is childish and sarcastic. When I listen to Dr. Harley on the radio broadcasts I can't imagine him speaking to someone like that.

That's wonderful that you're putting those EP's in place.

How much UA time are you getting?

Are you still talking about the affair?

Sorry you guys feel that way. I do think posters want to help your M. I don't think anyone wants anyone's M to fail.

Dr. Harley and Joyce are wonderful aren't they?
Did you listen to the clips I posted about to not keep talking about the affair with your BH? What did you think?

How is your DD17 doing?

To note; Dr. Harley is a licensed professional. You pay for his books, though all the articles on this site and the daily radio broadcast is free.

You are talking about a man with years of professional training, and decades of professional experience.

The posters on the forum are peers. People who have studied the material provided by Dr. Harley, and volunteer their time to help people.

There are several options if you dislike how someone posts to you; 1) hit the notify button at the bottom of the post to alert the board moderators, 2) click on the user's name, click on "view profile," and click "ignore user."


I would prefer you do the first, as if it happens to be the problem you state it to be, people being "chased" or "scared" away from the board or program, then people giving a firetruck enough about their marriage under this program to fight for change would be a breath of fresh air.

The second option is fine, though. However, you may be depriving yourself of great advice due to the kneejerk reaction of having your flaws and raw emotion open (though anonymous).


Beyond that, if you want help you need to be specific, and you need to make sure you focus on this: "What can I do to make my marriage better?"

We can't post to you and fix your husband. Giving you any "husband-fixing" advice is advising you to levy a Disrespectful Judgement against him, and would be against the basic concepts of Marriage Builders.

Here are the MB conflict resolution steps when you have a problem with a poster.
Conflict Resolution Procedures

GO,

Her BH is KGaa12

76,

Recovering from an affair has been compared to "riding the rollercoaster" and "running a marathon, not a sprint". If you keep doing the things (implementing extraordinary precautions, showing transparency, making conditions that allowed the affair impossible for another affair/restart of old affair), your marriage will improve.

Where do you stand on moving?

AM

GO,

Her BH is KGaa12

Hello, whathappened,

I'm sorry you haven't found any helpful advice here, yet. It's a busy board, and some of us are posting when we can and might totally miss an important thread or question. And sometimes we might have people who ask questions over and over again and don't really listen to the answers, so sometimes we get used to kind of having to "push" people to slow down, listen, pay attention, etc. Sometimes the real problem for people is not that they need information (which is freely available all over the site, the books, the radio show), but that they need motivation and critiquing to help them see blind spots where they are failing to act on the information and put it into practice.

All of that may contribute to having your situation misidentified and wrong advice being given, but feel free to keep posting and asking if you don't understand or think a response is inappropriate.

And if you think someone is really problematic, feel free to click the ignore button on them. But you may find after awhile that they were telling you something important you didn't want to hear; I know personally that I found out in retrospect I was my own worst enemy.

No, this site is not really just for bitter betrayed people to take it out on those who were unfaithful. Dr. Harley's principles for recovery ultimately treats both wayward and unfaithful as THE SAME, assuming of course that both are protecting the marriage (taking extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair) and committed to building a good relationship. Sometimes there's a little extra educational obstacle up front for the wayward spouse to learn how to protect the marriage. But, hey, sometimes they both have to learn!!

I posted this to your husband, but are the two of you following Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention, to the letter? 15+ hours a week together? With no (awake) children present? Before 11 pm, i.e., when you are awake and full of energy? Spending the time enjoyably, meeting each other's need for recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment? This is the single most important thing you can be doing, assuming you have put up extraordinary precautions to protect your marriage.

wh76,

It is great to hear that you are reading the books and listening to the radio show. This is fantastic.

Steve Harley told us to embark on a program of education, read this whole website and everything we could get our hands on, because we would need a lot of help to get the logic of the good marriage principles here to override our emotional reactions.

It sounds like you guys are embarking on that educational program!

It may take awhile to get everything just right. If you feel like something is "not working," post that here and let us see if there's something missing. We all tend to have blind spots and the program doesn't work if you leave something out.

Keep reading, listening, and posting.

My wife also posts on this forum; her name is Prisca. We try to take a special interest when there is a husband and wife couple posting here, so I'll be sure to mention you guys to her.

Whathappened76,

I think you may be focused on the posters you find objectionable, it's a bit like a buffet in that everyone has a different viewpoint, but I would ask has MB saved your marriage?

I'll be the first to admit that in spite of my implementing the MB principles exactly or not it has saved my marriage and contributed greatly to my Ws happiness.

God Bless
Gamma

We are probably are spending 15 hrs a week just him and I but yes we are still talking about the affair when he feels he has more questions that come up, I told him I will always answer whatever he feels he needs to ask me because he deserves that and I will answer it with complete honesty but I remind him we aren't suppose to be rehashing it. He even has asked me questions I answered in the poly stating he forgot that was already answered. We did listen to the sessions u mentioned...I was hoping it would help him. I found it helped me by teaching me how to redirect someone of the opposite sex who wants to "talk" to someone to my husband instead of me. So thank you for that. And for your recent post this am with "ignoring" a poster.

Thank you so much for your post, it feels like a breath of fresh air. It is nice to hear from both spouses who post. My husband is trying to follow the "you should no longer rehash the affair" but thoughts pop into his head and he can't help to have it interfere with "our time together, trying to rebuild" I don't know how to help him. When it happened to me and I was the hurt spouse who was betrayed, I didn't "deal" with it, So I don't know what to tell him. That's what he needs help with. I am being patient with him because I know it will eventually start to fade but should I be worried it may not and he will keep at these love busters?

Yes I feel like MB is saving our marriage. Thank you for your post!

I think you may have misunderstood, I'm not trying to "fix" my husband, he was the one reaching out to help with these "images and thoughts" from interfering with us rebuilding. I believe in all the books have to offer and I would' not want to go against it.

Your post was one of the very few that I felt wasn't unhelpful. It was just that I felt I explained much for people to understand what contributed to my horrible acts of dishonesty that I am ashamed of and just needed some understanding that I was hurt as well. After all it was because my EN's weren't being met by the person I love, my husband and best friend, it was years of little hurts now I realize that added to what I didn't deal with in the beginning that in combination with not having any barriers lead me to the affair. I just feel that a person has to be at an all time low to have an affair which is how I felt. Not just bc of my husband but unfortunately with our oldest daughter who I wished to have a close relationship with but don't. That's why I felt the books were so helpful, it was an eye opener for the both of us. So thank you. I had many things I had to learn ad change about myself.