I met my husband 4 years ago, we both were newly separated from our spouses (Yes I know, first mistake!)and met on a dating site. We, both, were interested in wading back into the dating pool, but made the mistake of jumping full in. We fell madly in love, moved in (Second Mistake). My children fell in love with him as well and I couldn't believe how fortunate I was to find my soulmate, so quickly after my separation.

At this point, I need to stop and explain a little about our divorces and relationships prior to meeting. I had been married 13 years to my college sweetheart, and he had been married for 20 years to his high school sweetheart. My previous relationship died slowly over several years, with us ending up more like roomates than spouses. His (current husband) story was different, he was very much in love after twenty years with his ex wife and was shocked when she came home and declared she wanted a divorce. The only explanation he got was that she had given him twenty years and could not give him anymore.

So given this history, you can imagine my fairytale fell apart quickly. And it did, my husband's ex-wife realized that she had tossed out a good husband and wanted him back. So he left for seven months and I thought that was the end of our story.

But he came back, asking for me to take him back, proposing marriage. Indicating that he had unresolved feelings for his ex and needed to sort those out before he could commit to me, to raising another family (he has a grown son). That as he attempted to reconcile with is ex, he realized that she wasnt me and they would never have what we had. So after many long discussions, tears, advice from concerned friends and family, we decided to marry.

And on an every day basis our married life is beautiful, we are great friends and lovers. He is a great stepdad to my kids, I love his mom. On the surface it looks ideal.

Underneath, the facade its a mess. There is this seed of doubt that I was his second choice, that she once again left him and that his decision to comeback was nothing about me, but all about her. That I put my self in the rebound position again. He denies that this is the case. He broke off all contact with her when we married, with the exception of an occasional email about an issue with their grown son. But during bouts of doubt, I have taken to snooping - which makes me feel terrible and not who I thought I would ever be. But in my snooping, I found a journal entry where he compares his ex's body with mine, and guess who come out on the losing end of that comparison (me). Granted this entry was done during the seven months we were apart. And last night I discovered a deleted email to his ex wishing her a happy birthday. Which brought all these insecurities to the forefront. I asked him to sleep in the guest room and we have not talked since I discovered the email. My issue is that he chose to cut all communication with his ex, he said in order for our relationship to blossom. He wont deal with a financial matter (money she owes him) because as he says "he doesnt want to open lines of communication with her". So why did he send the email, and then try to hid it by deleting the email and her response. All very innocent, but I still feel betrayed. What should I do? I dont ever want to divorce again. I love him dearly, my children love him, but can I live knowing I was his second choice.

Hi, SecondChance,

It's good that you acknowledge your mistakes, such as starting your relationship while both of you were still married, and living together before marriage. As you apparently already know, the odds are stacked mightily against you.

It doesn't sound like your husband wants to practice openness, honesty, transparency, and mutual decision making, which are keys to having a good marriage. And especially it doesn't sound like he is willing to take the precautions that will make your marriage safe from an affair, either with his ex-wife or with someone else!

What I would do is I would expose him to the material on this site, which will show him the benefit of living this way: permanent romantic love, for a lifetime.

If that does not motivate him to change his behavior, then there is a good chance he is going to repeat mistakes he probably made in his last marriage, and you will end up like his first wife: unhappy, out of love, unfulfilled. And possibly cheated on, either with his ex-wife or someone else.

I would set the bar high, because most people will happily put in the minimum effort. The odds are already greatly against you guys, so if he is not willing to go overboard in making your marriage safe and following the principles here for affair proofing your marriage and building a satisfying relationship of mutual care, you are probably not going to make it.

Thanks Markos for your advice, It's tough because I can't really talk to my family or friends about this, as I don't want them to think less of him. They struggled to accept him back after he left me brokenhearted the first time. I also vowed that I would stay married forever this time. I want to be a good example to my children and I fear the scars , I will leave them with if they have to stand witness to another divorce. I pray that won't be the case, but as you said it, the odds are stacked against us. I especially appreciate the advice about "setting the bar high" as I felt I was being unreasonable in my reaction to the birthday email. Thank you.

That is because you were second best. You are just his married mistress today. Embrace your feelings...they are very real. Your WH is just that wayward. He jumped out of one marriage into an adulterous affair that has been going on almost four years. He is a liar, cheater, and your relationship resembles the typical affairage we see on this forum. The story of how his first marriage fell apart is a complete lie, his story has not added up since day 1 (Has your gut been telling you that?), and he is now making up more lies to shield him from the first set of lies.

I bet your insecurities are from the mere fact you know he is a liar and cheater. If it is done with you, then it is done to you.

Dr. Harley states he has yet to figure out how to save an affairage. Here is a thread on why Dr. Harley tells the poster only 1% of affairages survive. Affairages ... Post from Dr. Harley himself

I have no other solution except divorce. This man isn't about to show you honesty, transparency, or anything remotely moral anytime soon.

I would strongly encourage you to work on yourself. It seems the monumental from this man suggests you have a very low standard for men.

I agree with you on affairage, but mine was not a marriage after an affair. Neither of us were unfaithful, as we were no longer with our spouses when we met. We met after each of us independently and not even knowing each other ,decided that our marriages were over and we were in different stages of the legal divorce process. My husband's divorce was final a few months into our relationship. Our mistake was getting together too soon. My husband did not think there was any chance of reconciliation with his ex. He started dating because he was convinced his first marriage was over. That his attempts at reconciliation were not working...

Other thing Godgivmestrength is that we have been together for four years and my children consider him Dad, would you truly advocate for divorce without exhausting all other options. I want to save my marriage!

SC, you were both married when you started your relationship. You're going to face an uphill battle convincing everybody to view that as okay, so I wouldn't bother trying.

Anyway, the odds are very much going to be against you guys making this work. It cannot work unless he really buys in to protecting the marriage and committing to making it good.

Dr. Harley says to have a good marriage, you have to both commit to no contact for life with former lovers. Since his ex wife is a former lover, he would have to do that.

I would get started reading Dr. Harley's many articles on this site. I would focus on the articles about infidelity, since they have a lot to say about past lovers and safeguarding your marriage, and that is the situation you are facing with your husband's ex wife.

Here's the section about articles about infidelity in marriage:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

There are about thirty articles there, and each of them probably has pieces that can help you.

There is also this video from Dr. Harley:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

You need to understand that if he is having secret communications with any woman, especially someone he formerly had a relationship with, then you are at extreme risk for him having an affair.

If you don't want to spend the rest of your life on antidepressants and suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and similar, you are going to need to set the bar very high for him to protect your marriage.

Fair comments Markos,I will start reading. Also nice to have male perspectives on these issues as I usually talk to my girlfriends - though I can't about this as you know. Curious if there are any women online who would want to share their thoughts. It really helps to have multiple perspectives.

Godgivesmestrength is woman. She has already told you what she thinks:


I agree with her. He has been lying to you since day 1. Couple his lies with the fact that you met while still married to your former spouses, and you are looking at a long, hard, painful road to go down. Harder than other marriages have to travel. And it will most likely end badly, anyway.

Hello,
I have been reading the forums for quite some time now and I have a question. It seems that there is conflicting advice sometimes and one being about contact re children.


If you have an x spouse with whom you have children, is it even a possiblity to not have any contact whatsoever with them?
What about his son's wedding or birthdays. Do you suggest this man should never attend any of those things just in case he happens to see his x wife?

Yes, 4tomorrow, a person should never have contact with a former lover, and the rule is as inflexible as it can be. Yes, he should not go to birthday parties with a former lover present, so throw his own parties for his children would be my solution. After my parents divorced I can't imagine the two of them being together at a birthday party.

Dr. Harley has a plan called "Plan B" that is ordinarily used to protect a spouse in an abusive marriage or a marriage where their spouse is having an affair. But the concepts of Plan B are also very useful for any former lover. If you like them, then your marriage is endangered by them, and no contact is the way to go. If you dislike them, odds are they aren't very good for your emotional health, and no contact is still a great way to go.

He lied to you about his wife. A man doesn't go back to his wife for seven months and then come back to his mistress without lies and thoughtlessness. That is why your marriage is based on lies and thoughtlessness.

He was on a dating website, met you, made a whole bunch of lies about leaving his wife. Started his affair with you, dumped you, went back to wife, his marriage got worse because he is a liar and a cheat, hence he ditched his wife again and had you as back-up. Hum, is this why you are feeling second choice?

You are in love with a facade, a fantasy, a romantic novel that will never exist in your life. You know why adultery is disastrous because you have dragged your poor children through this and now you want this wanna be liar and cheater to raise good children.

He is not marriage material. He is looking to cheat again. Guess what ... his first wife is the best to cheat with ... you want to know why? Because he still loves her, has always loved her, and has regrets about his choices.

Actually cut this man loose. Maybe he can salvage his first marriage which is the way it should be. Dr. Harley says there is a higher chance the first spouses will be together than the affair partners within five years.

Your life is one big lie, and you contributed to this. Divorce this man. Clean up your own adulterous act, and maybe just maybe you can have a healthy relationship.

This relationship is nothing but one big adulterous, sordid, affair gone bad.

He left his first wife for the OP. That makes all he difference. He still had a love bank for his first wife. He has poor boundaries around women, so this woman met his EN's. He got himself into an affair and hence bailed on his first wife thinking this woman was "the grass greener."

Low and behold she isn't any greener than his first wife, and I bet this man is having complete buyer's remorse. OP wants to save a relationship in which she stole another woman's husband.

Hence this man has very very poor boundaries around women, and now he is looking at finding something "greener again." My bet is he sees wife #1 as the greenest option. OP has shown her colors, and now the grass turned brown.

Spoken like a true adulterous other woman. The wayward doesn't like what she reads.

Why can't you talk to your girlfriends about this? What are you hiding? Hiding begets lies ... lies beget a habit of dishonesty. Dishonesty destroys lives.

How old are your children?

Where is their father?

Is his mom adulterous in any way?

Me, trying to protect my husband I suppose. I am not a wayward wife. I have not cheated on my husband.

Reading comprehension?

Anyway, like the others say, if you BOTH want this to work, then it's best that you both use extraordinary precautions and practice all parts of MB. Have you read the basic concepts yet?

Is there any way (I know it's been a while) for you to find out when he set up a profile on a dating site? Was it before or after he and his wife split? I think that would be very telling.

No, not at all. Her first husband left her for another women, and several years later she remarried and is still happily married to her husband today.