My children are 6 and 9, their father is very involved in their lives and happily remarried. I get along with both of them very well.

He separated from his wife in November of 08, his dating profile went up on Jan 09, we met Feb 09, his divorce was filed in Jan 09 and finalized April 09

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Spoken like a true adulterous other woman. The wayward doesn't like what she reads.

Your life is one big lie, and you contributed to this. Divorce this man.

This relationship is nothing but one big adulterous, sordid, affair gone bad. [/quote]

Wow, harsh words. Is this site only for betrayed spouses? It seems like the betrayers who come for support or answers on how to save their marriages are ridiculed and mocked.

I can understand the birthday parties, but what about the wedding? I can't imagine not going to my own child's wedding. That could destroy any hope of a relationship with your child ever, not to mention grandchildren.

When you have children, I believe you have to put the issue between exs aside, and do what is best for the children. The exs should always have there new spouses with them in these occassions, which they should since it is a family affair. It is not the children's fault the adults let the marriage fail.

Maybe I should be asking questions on my own thread.

I apologize SecondChances for barging in on yours.

I am new and not sure exactly how this works.

She wants to save a marriage that started as adultery. Not harsh at all. If this was a woman who didn't steal another woman's husband, then the advise would be different. This marriage started based on lies and thoughtlessness. OP clearly stated he went back to his wife for seven months...hum anyone not buying that OP didn't help destroy his first marriage...I know I am not buying it.

Where is this journal? Computer? Paper? Your H journals about his life in general???

Marriage Builders is pretty clear that there is no-contact between former loves, particularly when they are causing problems or are potential/current affair partners (that is an absolute no).

If your husband is running back & forth between you and her, then he must commit to no-contact for life in order to remain married to you. I understand you probably don't believe in that, but do not expect your marriage to ever overcome this issue then.

No contact. End of.

What is "best for the children" is a happy intact marriage. If a former lover, yes even his ex-wife, is a problem - then it is not in the child's best interest to keep up a fa�ade of "happy family life" when it is threatening the marriage.

My mother had an affair and left - recently, only 3 years ago. Never in a million years would I have expected my father to have to "deal with it" by being in the same room with her, not even at my wedding or after the birth of my child.

My thoughts exactly

Have you confirmed this with her? Was he living with her still when he put up his profile?

What were you doing during those seven months? Did you have contact with him, did you pursue him? Your timeline of divorce is odd. 20 years ... assets, kids, retirements, and it only took 3 months to get divorced? It can take that long just to get a court date. When did your divorce go through? Did she give your husband everything, did your husband give her everything? How does a 20 year marriage end within 3 months time? Was there a separation agreement?

Lastly a father who is involved with the lives of his children is a good man. Why then would your children call your husband, "Dad"? If their real father is fully involved, then why are in such a need to hold onto this man as the father of your children?

What are your real motives? What is the true story? nothing is adding up right here...

Spoken like a true adulterous other woman. The wayward doesn't like what she reads.

Your life is one big lie, and you contributed to this. Divorce this man.

This relationship is nothing but one big adulterous, sordid, affair gone bad. [/quote]

Wow, harsh words. Is this site only for betrayed spouses? It seems like the betrayers who come for support or answers on how to save their marriages are ridiculed and mocked.

I can understand the birthday parties, but what about the wedding? I can't imagine not going to my own child's wedding. That could destroy any hope of a relationship with your child ever, not to mention grandchildren.
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I agree that these are harsh words, I really came here looking for advice. I truly believe in my heart that my husband and I both came into our relationship with pure intentions, and with the knowledge that our first marriages were over. I know now my husband still loved his ex-wife when he met me, but thought that it was over. And in all actuality it was. She wanted it to be over and fought every reconciliation attempt, until she realized he had moved on and the ink was dry on the divorce decree. Then when she fought to get him back, and I supported him going back and even told him that if he should save his 1st marriage, he should. I think we all would want that. He never cheated on his first wife with me. She LEFT him, he had trouble trusting her after that. She cheated on him.

You are proud that your children are living in broken homes due to your own selfish interests as a parent?

Most on this forum have divorce due to infidelity, and keeping a wayward in their life is the worse thing possible. Breaking up a family and having an unrepentant wayward never mixes well in "family events" ... it is just sick and twisted and confuses the kids that divorce is all fine and dandy .... even though mommy/daddy chose to destroy your lives.

Not a fan of the "friends with benefits" fantasy.

**EDIT** ... he left you for his ex-wife for seven months. What kind of pure intentions are you referring to? What were you doing while he went back to her?

In my case, my mother personally destroyed any chance of a relationship with me long before my wedding. She was not invited, and I privately asked a few select men to act as bouncers in case she crashed it.

My mother showing up at my wedding would have been a nightmare!

SecondChances68,

When he left you for 7 months to try and reconcile with her, was he still married to her? Or was that post-divorce?

I know you don't see yourself as "the other woman" but you do understand, that his actions are of someone who was "separated" from his wife but still very much in love and hoping after her - and fishing online for a woman to "fill the void", so to speak, until his wife/ex-wife(?) would take him back.

They were not divorced. They were going through a bad time in their marriage - after all, they ended up back together later anyways. His marriage was not over when he met you.

This was an affair. I know you don't see it like that, but he had an affair wit you.

SecondChances,

This is why many second marriages fail. The husband and wife are unable to put the marriage first, because they feel they must put their own children first.

That is a natural and healthy feeling, but you can't have a good marriage if you don't put the marriage first.

The odds are stacked against you and you may very well have to choose.

Dr. Harley has a chapter on stepparenting in his book His Needs Her Needs For Parents. I would get it, because you probably need to avail yourself of every bit of help you can get.

Me, during those seven months I was trying to heal from my broken heart and focus on my children. I had lunch with him once during that time period, until he asked to see me at the end of the seven months. There is no reason for me to bs here, you don't know me, so I have nothing to hide.

Can you answer this please.

I am going to repeat something I posted earlier:


I would put my time into productive activity: reading the basic concepts and articles/columns by Dr. Harley on this site, and finding out how to apply the advice to your situation.

There is nothing to gain from defending yourself to people here. Nothing.