It was post divorce. I agree, I was his rebound the first time we met... Still conflicted about what I was the second time around.

Yes, that's the typical etiquette! Welcome to Marriage Builders!

you STOLE him.

Your marriage cannot survive him being in contact with her. Period. You will constantly be dealing with this issue. So, the question is, do you want to settle for being second best in your own marriage?

Remember that this is not marriage at all costs - that is in no way okay. If he is the good husband and father-figure you say he is, then he must agree to no contact with her.

One of the biggest problems people have with Marriage Builders is the expectation that you place your marriage above your children. However, putting children ahead of marriage backfires. Children grow up and move away. Marriages are left to suffer. Nobody is saying you put an abusive spouse/marriage ahead of children - but Marriage Builders is very clear that when an ex spouse/lover is threatening a marriage (and this is, obviously), then it's no contact.

The kids will be fine.

It was a personal journal, I had no business looking at. Feeling insecure, it was out and as I flip through it saw the ex-wife and my name on the same page. So had to read... wish I hadn't.

There is no reason you should feel you should not have read that. Obviously you had a suspicion that something was not right. Being an "ostrich head in the sand" will do nothing but prolong the problem.

You have been married for a short time (1,2,3? years), no mutual children, and he is still in love with his ex-wife. I appreciate you are trying to honour your marriage vows *now* but this was a marriage that should not have happened, and will likely end in divorce.

Have you tried the coaching centre?

Oh, no, SC! You are his wife and have every right to look at anything he does or writes.

One of Dr. Harley's principles for having a good marriage is radical honesty:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

And as a woman, you likely have an emotional need for honesty and openness:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html

And Dr. Harley absolutely advocates "snooping" in marriage, for a number of reasons:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

I've heard Dr. Harley specifically mention journals on his radio show, and he says to write them as if your spouse is reading. I did telephone counseling with Dr. Harley's son Steve in 2010, and he told me something very similar.

In good marriages, husband and wife SHARE and have nothing to hide.

Your husband has something to hide, I am afraid.

This is what I am talking about when I say set the bar high. You already have the odds stacked against you, so you can't afford to make it worse by allowing him to journal a secret second life of fantasy.

Thanks Alias for your thoughtful advice...lots to think about and read.

SC,

Some people (and some abusive husbands and wives) like to throw around the word "insecure" like an insult.

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling insecure.

Your husband is failing to provide security. You feeling insecure is a very rational response to that.

This is what I mean when I say setting the bar high. This site has several very important rules your husband can follow to protect you, keep you safe, and provide security for you. The result will be that you feel secure, and if you feel secure the result will be that your Love Bank is open to receive deposits from him.

The question is going to be, is he willing to follow these rules that will keep you safe? You will need to communicate with him about these needs that you are coming to understand, and set the bar high and tell him that you absolutely need this.

Thanks Markos- good point on the no secrets and the emotional needs of women. Tough talk with hubby tonight, but a needed one.

It is your business and it is quite telling that your H kept a journal from over four yrs ago, comparing you to his exW. Why would he keep something like that?

I see your biggest problem as not wanting to accept that you and your H did not meet and fall "madly in love" with each other as you say. If he was madly in love with you, he wouldn't have left for those seven months. As others have said, it will be an uphill battle for you since there are many reasons to have doubts.

x2

Your children may call him "Dad" but they HAVE A DAD. Where is he in this triangle?

Your husband sounds like he regrets leaving his "true" wife and marrying his affair partner. And hang on, Second, because it's only going to get worse for you. There is never a good end in these cases. You don't trust him (admit it to yourself) because he left his family for another woman. Not a totally HOT woman, not a FANTASTIC woman that is craved by others: just SOME woman. YOU. Nothing too special to anyone.

You had time alone together to have great dinners, great sex, and looking forward together to a great life. You talked up how great it was going to be, when the two of you were together - because you got to direct the movie. Yep, it was going to be a beautiful thing, wasn't it.

Now you're faced with his kids, real life, bills, dirty dishes in the sink and dirty clothes to be washed, and all the other daily stuff that has no part in the fantasy of an affair (I suspect you'll remember NOT talking about scrubbing the toilet bowl while you were dating.) And now you're dealing with kids who aren't biologically yours who probably don't like you much because they had a pretty good life until you showed up.

If I were you I would cut and run and let this man try to put his family back together. It would be a kindness to his children.

You are an adulterer. Understand that. You were instrumental in cementing the death of a marriage that stood a chance until you showed up.

Hello SC68. I am soooo sorry that you find yourself in the position you are in. I have read yor whole thread, and I am just sad for you. I hope that you can step back and look at this situation from a different view..... What struck me so profoundly is that your H posted on a dating site AND filed for divorce the same day. Did I see that right? There is absolutely NO WAY he was ready for you or to jump into such a committed relationship with you. You felt good. You were a distraction and a way to get through his grief. I say that b/c he HAD to go through his grief while with you!!!! He should have gone through this alone to learn from it instead of numb it all with someone who could make him forget it. If he had met you a couple of years after his divorce, after him doing some work on himself, getting himself to a healthy place, you two might have been perfect for eachother. But, you will never know that b/c he jumped into a relationship with you almost immediately after filing for divorce. He created a way for himself to move on from his mess of a marriage and the hurt that his wife caused him. Who wouldn't want to do that? The thing is, is that he WASN'T really ready to end his marriage, his family, as evidenced by his going back to her post divorce. You came along at the wrong time. What scares me more is his inability to be alone. Immediately started looking for someone so he wouldn't have to be alone. I applaud you for being open to him returning to his wife (ex-wife). He wouldn't have gone back to her if he didn't want it to work. He may have said words and you believed them, but the fat lady hadn't sung yet!!! You didn't intend to be the other woman, but when he started sharing his life with you, he didn't fight for his marriage. I hope you also know that if it weren't you, it would have been someone else. He MEANT to meet someone!! You didn't know his complete agenda. He may not have even been able to tell you what it was exactly. But, you can look back and see exactly his actions and what they meant.

I agree with the others, something is off here. There were certainly enough issues in his and her marriage that he wasn't meeting her EN's, don't you agree? Why did she really cheat on him?

You have to keep your mind clear to figure this out. Stay real in your thinking. No denial. Really face this. You will be able to see your way through this, especially with all the wonderful vets here who can help you.

SC68,

Have you spoken to your H yet?

Really? As a BH, it's assumed he wasn't meeting his WWs ENs so his wife chooses to cheat...sounds like blameshifting.

Lots of assumptions going on in this thread...kind of disturbing.

Hey black raven, without having to go through it all, I just added onto something that was mentioned some time ago. My point was not to talk about how she wasn't meeting his needs, and it wasn't to make her choice to cheat, ok. It was in the context of his not being completely truthful or something of the sort with her.

Littlebit3, the answer to this question is always the same.

SC68, this article on overcoming resentment might provide some insight:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

I agree with Markos:


POJA. POUA. PORH. Simple, not easy. But guaranteed to create a great marriage when applied.

Good luck!