Let me rephrase the question.

Do you currently live in a Muslim country?

No i dont.

Best that he found out when he did rather than some time down the road. That could have been way more ugly.

Have you told the biological father yet? Just curious.

Yes. I have told him as my H said that he should take responsibility and the child has the right to know who his bio dad is. It appeared that the bio dad's soon-to-be wife is acceptable about what happened. Im not sure how she could accept such thing.

So what are you going to do?

Does your BH want a D?

I hope i dun lose custody of my son otherwise it will be a double blow. Lost my H and lost my child.

My H want to file for annulment as we are only married less than a yr. I was tryin to get him to go for MC before making this decision. But he seem firm about his decision and many are supportin that i shld let him go.

Why are you so afraid that the bio dad is going to get custody?

Ssarah, if there is an ounce of integrity left in you, then let the man go. Just let him go. No man deserves what you have done to him. Sorry for being so blunt.

This is just so wrong on so many levels, I can't even begin to go there. Please, just let him go, and work on fixing yourself.

I would highly suggest to start fixing yourself by going back to the main page and start reading about the concepts of MB, and marriage in general. It would serve you well in the future.

God Bless

Barbiecat, I am afraid of losing custody as the bio dad is goin to get married and the court may see that he has a complete family nucleus and the child is best left in their care even though its a stepmum.

Even Dr. Harley says infidelity is such an egregious act to the betrayed and that if the betrayed wants a D that the Wayward Spouse should at the very least honor that.

Do you understand this?

Yes i understand that it is no longer what i want and the decision lies wholly with him. I just wished there could be another one last chance to prove to him. Im willing to do watever it takes to keep this marriage but i know it takes two.

I have read other threads where the betrayed spouse is willing to give the wayward spouse another chance to salvage but in some cases the WS is not cooperatin. For me, i know the choice is not up to me. Its for my husband to make the decision and at the end of e day, i can only accept and respect his choice. Sometimes i just thought if the roles were reversed, what would i have done?

This is not just about you though.

You have deeply hurt this man, at a level I don't think you understand fully. What I think adds to your betrayal is that whilst awaiting the test results, for two months, you had an opportunity to come clean with your BH. Yet you chose not to. For selfish reasons.

Please keep reading MB so you can learn what it takes to be a good spouse for your future relationships.

Let your BH move forward and heal... without you if that is his decision.

Exactly what Car said.

Please read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders and all the free info here on the site.

Change the flaws in your character that allowed you to have weak boundaries around men.

Become an honest woman so you can look at yourself and your baby and teach him.

Stick around here and earn your "F". Former wayward.

Is there any questions you have about Dr. H's Basic concepts we could help you with?

Or anything else?

Well, I will not add to the pile on, I am sure you get the gist of the advice.
Quite of the great advice here is about working on yourself, and improving the type of partner/person you want to be.

I hope you stay here and keep reading and posting, do not let this mistake define who you are, use it as a motivation to become a better person.

I would just like to throw something in here:

While I would be devastated if I were in your husband's situation, and found out I married my wife under false pretenses, with her lying to me and holding out truth on me,

you did not violate a wedding vow.

From what you have said, you have been faithful to your husband since you got married.

And that does count for something.

Many people go around sexually before they are married as if they are free agents and can do whatever they wish. I don't think that's a good way to live, but the fact is that at that point, the vows of faithfulness and care for life have not been made. There's a sense in which you are "free."

That doesn't diminish the pain your husband feels due to your unfaithfulness and deception.

Many times what people say here about infidelity is that what hurts worst is the lies, the dishonesty, the concealing of information in order to have a secret second life.

I would encourage you to work on becoming completely, radically honest.

For the record, if you've concealed any details from us about the situation, maybe to make yourself look just slightly better, it might be healing for you to come clean, to us and to your husband.

Now I also want to say this. Your husband is hurting right now, with a pain that is beyond what most people will ever have to go through in their lifetime. But at some point in time, after the hurt dies down, after he is calmer, he may conclude that staying married to you is what he would like to do. And that can be possible, but only if you remold yourself as people are saying into a radically honest and worthwhile person. He may have some remolding to do, too.

Either way, there's a lot of working on you to do, and if we can help I hope you'll give us the opportunity to do that.

you did not violate a wedding vow.

Are we just going to focus on "not going heels-up" for another man, and ignore the vows to "love, honor, and cherish" the spouse? I would think that she broke those pretty convincingly by her diligently fighting to maintain the lie that the child was his (even assuming we believe - I do not, btw - that she was unaware of the paternity pre-nuptials) for the months AFTER the blood-test should have "reminded" her of the OM's probable sperm-donation to this tragedy.

Well, you've got a real point there, NG.

One of the problems we have with wedding vows is that when people make them, it is often not really clear what they are promising, other than sexual fidelity and maybe permanence. It might be helpful for society if wedding vows explicitly promised openness, honesty, and complete transparency!

Dr. Harley's policy of radical honesty is worded very carefully and interestingly:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html


That says to me that if you know you've been with someone else, you should tell them. If you know your child's blood type differs, you should tell them, etc.

Following that policy certainly leads to a more caring marriage, one that people are more likely to want to keep!

Agreed.

Amazing how sometimes some of us can persuade ourselves that, beneath the roof of "to honor" and "to cherish", there's any room & board to be had for "to intentionally deceive".

Infidelity to one's vows? Indeed.

NG, she wasn't 'diligently fighting' anything - she was floating along, assuming Life would treat her kindly. As she has seen, that didn't happen. (I'm reminded of the phrase: you Play, you Pay. She's paying now, in destroying her marriage.

Sarah, your husband has the right to kick you to the curb, along with your [censored] child. He gets to make that call. You need to learn from this enormous dishonesty. I hope you do.