bh, my husband and i were talking last night about that. he said he has all his questions answered. thanks for the links. im at work right now but plan to listen to them later.

bh, i tried listening to the radio clips at home but they wouldnt play. i will try again tonight. i told my husband about them. he didnt think it would really be beneficial to me since he was the one having the issue of letting go of the past, not me. i told him i thought they may give me more insight on the issue.

I think they will benefit you both.

Make sure you update your flash player.

This is glaring at me and I keep coming back to it. Have you thought about MB coaching?

pf, my husband and i have discussed MB coaching. when we get to a point where we think we cant handle the issues and cant get the answers from this forum, it will be a definate consideration.

Individual coaching can add up $$ fast, but your husband may benefit like I did from just a couple of these sessions with S. Harley. You may also want to consider the online coaching program which is a fixed cost and all encompassing. Just a thought.

dec, thanks for your suggestions. nice to hear that the coaching is beneficial and has helped someone.

this question is for the veterans in recovery (or whomever else may know):

is it possible for the betrayed spouse to ever get the sense of security back?

See if this article from Dr. Harley is helpful:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_trust.html

Not sure if "trust" and "security" mean the same thing to you or not.

markos, thanks for the link. it does give me hope that it is possible!

this question is for the vets:
what else can i be doing to help ease my husbands sadness/depression during times when he is thinking about the A? he has been reading threads on this same issue, about not bringing the past into the present. he is working on that and doing great. but i feel so helpless. i want to do something to help him through those times.
another issue, my husband said this morning that he feels we had a setback. it is regarding radical honesty. for the past few months, my husband started a discipline with the kids that i wasn't sure if i agreed with. in the past, i have always trusted him in that area so i wasnt sure if i was being over sensitive with the new discipline. this morning it happened with our youngest. he could tell something was wrong with me and he asked me. i told him i didnt like the discipline. he got very upset saying that i should of told him and that he shouldn't of had to ask me what was wrong. he said i was holding things in and resentment will build and we will be like pre-A. he also said he didnt know if i was holding anything else in. i said that i am not. he feels we have had a set back in our recovery. are these set backs normal during recovery stage?

I see a lot of problems here.

Yes, you should be radically honest with your husband. Dr. Harley's wording is "reveal to your spouse as much about yourself as you know." Sometimes you don't know how you feel yet!

Your husband can help by developing the habit of asking you how you feel about what he is doing with the children. Your children should absolutely be parented by the policy of joint agreement. They will be better raised if both of your perspectives are brought to bear.

When you say your husband "got very upset" -- was he having an angry outburst? Angry outbursts are a MARRIAGE KILLER. Neither one of you should become demanding, disrespectful, or angry, and because either one of you might sometimes make mistakes, neither one of you should think that it is okay to become demanding, disrespectful, or angry just because the other one made a mistake.

For example, you weren't radically honest -- his response to that should not be an angry outburst!!!

Dr. Harley says to be careful not to become demanding, disrespectful, or angry even if one of you breaks the rules Marriage Builders supplies for a good marriage:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html

Could you put your husband's posting name in your signature? I'll go look for his thread.

Set backs are certainly normal in forming new habits. Old habits can always come back.

What is important is that both of you are actively engaged in treating the setback as a learning experience and evaluating/revising your plans to not repeat mistakes. For example, if he had an angry outburst here, he needs to take that into account and make sure the circumstances are covered in his plan for avoiding angry outbursts.

Generally speaking, any statement we make to our spouse that includes the word "should" is a disrespectful judgment. This statement is disrespectful. Of course you want to be honest with your husband, but sometimes it is going to take a while to figure out how you feel, sometimes you will not know how you feel.

Dr. Harley says his wife Joyce sometimes finds out about something he knew and forgot to tell her, and she ends up having to ask. She does not use this as an excuse to become disrespectful toward him!! Your husband should not lecture you if you slip up.

1) Don't fight (don't be demanding, disrespectful, or angry). Avoid fights like they were nuclear warfare. Because they are.

2) Read what Dr. Harley has to say in His Needs Her Needs about the friends and enemies of good conversation. Practice the friends and avoid the enemies. One of the enemies is dwelling on the mistakes of the past or present.

3) Most important:
SPEND FIFTEEN HOURS A WEEK, WITHOUT AWAKE CHILDREN, BEFORE ELEVEN P.M., GIVING EACH OTHER YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION AND MEETING THE INTIMATE EMOTIONAL NEEDS: RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP, INTIMATE CONVERSATION, AFFECTION, AND SEXUAL FULFILLMENT. Spend 25-30 hours if either one of you is unhappy. Schedule recreational activities during which you can engage in enjoyable conversation the whole time, and practice those friends of good conversation.

markos,

it wasnt quite an angry outburst, but he was definately upset! he did call me later and apologized for his reaction. he did agree with what i was saying about the discipline but that was overridden by my non compliance with radical honesty.
my husband posts as 20yearhistory.

markos,
thanks so much for all your helpful advice. i know we need to work on upping our ua time to get my husband to fall back in love with me.
sometimes it just seems when you have a little setback, another thing will happen to add to it.

When the setbacks happen, it is important to stay calm and rational and stick to the plan, because your emotions will start prompting you to take actions that are destructive to your marriage.

UA time: do you have the worksheets for this? I would encourage you to get them, and fill them out weekly.

markos,
can i get the ua worksheet from this site?