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I am posting here since - according to my wife - we are in recovery and this is not about an affair.
After 17 years of marriage I cheated on my wife. Kind of a ONS. That was almost 9 months ago. It took me 4 months to get my head on straight (come out of the fog?). We have had 15 or 20 sessions with Steve - I can't remember how many for sure. I am also now on medication and meet with a psychiatrist - that helps.
Recovery was going well until this week when my wife found out I had been lying to her. I have a porn addiction and had been hiding it from her.
Like any addiction - it is protected and defended by LIES. The lies are what has caused my wife terrible pain the last few days. We were supposed to be living the Policy of Radical Honesty, but I wasn't. I would find various clever ways to look at porn and then I would lie to my wife about it. I have tried for many years to quit on my own and as painful as it is to say - I will never be able to quit by myself.
There are many reasons why I had the affair that include - very poor boundaries with women, emotionally immature, not actively protecting my emotional needs, ADHD, past abuse AND pornography. I have been working hard on everything mentioned except for the porn addiction. Oh sure, my wife thought I had it under control but since she doesn't have an addiction - she has no idea how controlling and all-consuming an addiction can be. She still thinks it's about me looking for another woman. Even now, I am sitting here filled with anxiety and a little shaky because I am destroying all the hidden ways to look at porn. She completely underestimated the power of an addiction - and I took advantage of her lack of knowledge.
My addiction started when I was first introduced to porn around the age of six. The longest I have ever gone without it has been 10 weeks. There were days when I would spend hours and hours just clicking... always looking - never satisfied. I am 43 years old. I really hate it.
My life outside my home is transparent - my wife knows where I go at all times and I have no problem with it. She has access to all my email accounts, Facebook, Twitter - you name it. I never strayed from my marriage until the affair - never even flirted with other women - so I don't have any issues with her knowing and tracking me. I actually feel FREE knowing that my wife is aware of all my movements.
But, now I have to find a way to become transparent with my porn addiction. I am afraid to give up pornography. It has been my coping mechanism my entire life. I don't know what I will do without it - even though I hate it. My wife said she would rather me look at porn and tell her about it than lie about it. I get it, I understand her reasons, but - porn wants to be done in the dark (figuratively speaking).
She doesn't know I am writing this. She is heartbroken right now. I am trying to build trust that was already very shaky. I am joining a porn addiction group, I have set an appointment to discuss my problems with a church leader (like that will help) and we are going to start counseling again.
I don't know what I hope to achieve by posting this... I guess it's just part of recovery.
The lies. The lies. I have lied about it all my life.
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Joined: Jan 2012
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hi MTH, and welcome to MB. i'm afraid i have no experience in your situation, but i'm sure someone will be along soon who will have wisdom to give you regarding this addiction.
the only thing i can really advise you on is the lying. lying is the acid that eats away at the foundation of your M. even if you are doing all the right things in regard to recovering your M after adultery, the lying about porn is undoing all your hard work.
so my #1 piece of advice to you is to stop lying. by not lying to your BW, you start to heal, a little bit at a time, the damage you have done. most BWs will say (further down the road in recovery) that it's not the adultery that is so awful in their pain, but the lying. and the good news is that this is something you can start on right this minute!
i will now bow out for the voices of experience to help you with your fear. fear can be overcome.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Hey, MTH,
Can you bring her here to post?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Marriedtoher, the solution is to stop looking at porn. Remove the computers from your home and/or password protect them so you have no access. It will help nothing to do it and tell her, you have to stop it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Stop using porn and you will have nothing to lie about.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MTH, you're not in recovery.
You still can't fool me.
I posted to you 3 times back on Feb.27-28. I didn't get a dime for doing it.
You blew me off.
You're still blowing me off.
More precisely, you're blowing off what I advised you then.
You're not in recovery because you don't give a damn about living transparently. If you did, you'd have no problem with porn. You wouldn't be hiding it, and you'd have nothing to hide.
You're not in recovery because you don't fully own your stuff. Blaming childhood abuse, etc. Using weasel language ("kind of a ONS"). That's all horsecrap.
Own your choices and you'll have a chance.
Own your stuff, my friend.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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MTH, you're not in recovery.
You still can't fool me. Exactly. It is another one of his shams. If you go back and read his other threads, he likes making grandiose "confessions" that are all based on lies. Lots of feigned humility and "remorse." And always a lie. I have no doubt this is more of the same.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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You're here because your wife is upset and you're hoping that you can say or do something here that will get it to blow over soon. Am I right?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Oct 2009
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The lies. The lies. I have lied about it all my life And it hasn't served you very well, has it. You understand that there is a very easy way for you to quit viewing porn, right? YOU STOP WATCHING IT. There. Done. Don't whine about how hard it is. Don't tell us that you have to wean yourself off of it. Don't whine about how it helps you cope. (What the hell does viewing pornography help you cope with in the first place??) You lied to us by omission when you began posting here. You didn't tell us about your desire to build this fantasy world of strange women on the internet. STOP LYING TO US. STOP LYING TO YOUR WIFE. I would suggest you take a polygraph to clear up any questions your wife may have about your unfaithful activities. That is IF she is interested in keeping your marriage together. Pornography as a coping mechanism...SHEESH! 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Nov 2011
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If you are powerless over your addiction then visit a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. You are unable to control your addiction.
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Joined: Nov 2011
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I just read through your other postings and you sound like an addict.
I think you should Join a SA anonymous group. IF you are ready to admit you need help ;
And if your wife reads this I think she should visit a local AlAnon group to learn how to live with an addict.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Dr Harley has several excellent posts about how to treat sexual addiction. Some highlights: Dr Harley]If your spouse has sincerely promised to avoid sexual activities that offend you, your sexual relationship together has been reasonably fulfilling, and he or she continues to indulge in those offensive sexual activities, voluntarily expressing deep remorse, you're probably married to a sex addict. And the best way to overcome addiction is to separate the addict from his or her source of addiction. In the case of a man who is addicted to internet pornography, he must view the internet under supervision, or not view it at all. If a husband enthusiastically agrees to stop viewing internet pornography because he cares about his wife's feelings, but finds himself helpless to avoid it even when he's taken precautions and feels guilty when he views it, then I'd consider his behavior to be addictive, and he should be treated for the addiction. As I mentioned earlier, the best treatment for addiction to internet pornography is to separate the addict from the source of the addiction, the internet, or guarantee supervision whenever he has access to it. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex_addiction.htmlThe procedure to overcome an addiction begins when access to the addictive material becomes inaccessible. Those addicted to alcohol must be completely separated from alcohol. They must get it out of their houses, and they must avoid situations where alcoholic beverage is present. Sometimes they need to be hospitalized for a few weeks to be sure they are not tempted to drink.
The same principle applies to sexual addiction. All of his pornographic videos and any other sexual material he uses when he masturbates should be destroyed. While it's possible for him to purchase more, at least it would prevent renewal of his habit during a momentary lapse.
If your husband were to avoid masturbation for a week, he would find his normal sex drive returning and he would be more sexually attracted to you. The longer he would avoid the pornographic videos and any other sexual material, and limit all of his sexual options to having sex with you, the more your sexual relationship would return to the way it was when you were first married.
But it won't be easy for him to give up his tapes or whatever else he uses for sexual release. Over the years, his methods of self-arousal have probably become very sophisticated and work extremely well -- much better, in fact, than his sex with you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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and...another WH has left the building after his obligatory post. poor BW.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Oct 2009
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and...another WH has left the building after his obligatory post. poor BW. Is it just me, or did the way the poster set up his thread sound like he was doing it because he had to? Almost like BWs who have their husband wearing sandwich boards on the street at high noon that say "I am a cheater"? I wonder if his wife asked him to come here...
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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and...another WH has left the building after his obligatory post. poor BW.
No one obligates this kind of WS to post. They do it as part of a larger, ongoing habit of manipulation, to "show" their spouses that they're "serious" -- instead of taking the advice they get on-board & making lifestyle changes that would actually demonstrate sincere seriousness.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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i kinda had the feeling he was posting because BW insisted on it. but i see your point about the ongoing habit of manipulation. do you mean like the "but i posted on MB, did counselling, etc, and the M is still not working" type, or the wrong thing type? (i'm thinking you're talking wrong thing type).
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Joined: Nov 2011
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No manipulation. I didn't have to do this. She didn't know about it. I don't respond because of the high level of hostility and ignorance.
I posted this because putting it down in words seemed to give me the strength to do more - so I joined an addiction group dedicated to pornography. I have went twice. My wife comes with and waits outside (for now).
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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No manipulation. I didn't have to do this. She didn't know about it. I don't respond because of the high level of hostility and ignorance.
I posted this because putting it down in words seemed to give me the strength to do more - so I joined an addiction group dedicated to pornography. I have went twice. My wife comes with and waits outside (for now). Good for you, MTH! Do you have a sponsor? What literature were you given? Will your wife post here? It's time for both of you to get to work on making a great marriage.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Have you followed this advice? Dr Harley has several excellent posts about how to treat sexual addiction. Some highlights: Dr Harley]If your spouse has sincerely promised to avoid sexual activities that offend you, your sexual relationship together has been reasonably fulfilling, and he or she continues to indulge in those offensive sexual activities, voluntarily expressing deep remorse, you're probably married to a sex addict. And the best way to overcome addiction is to separate the addict from his or her source of addiction. In the case of a man who is addicted to internet pornography, he must view the internet under supervision, or not view it at all. If a husband enthusiastically agrees to stop viewing internet pornography because he cares about his wife's feelings, but finds himself helpless to avoid it even when he's taken precautions and feels guilty when he views it, then I'd consider his behavior to be addictive, and he should be treated for the addiction. As I mentioned earlier, the best treatment for addiction to internet pornography is to separate the addict from the source of the addiction, the internet, or guarantee supervision whenever he has access to it. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex_addiction.htmlThe procedure to overcome an addiction begins when access to the addictive material becomes inaccessible. Those addicted to alcohol must be completely separated from alcohol. They must get it out of their houses, and they must avoid situations where alcoholic beverage is present. Sometimes they need to be hospitalized for a few weeks to be sure they are not tempted to drink.
The same principle applies to sexual addiction. All of his pornographic videos and any other sexual material he uses when he masturbates should be destroyed. While it's possible for him to purchase more, at least it would prevent renewal of his habit during a momentary lapse.
If your husband were to avoid masturbation for a week, he would find his normal sex drive returning and he would be more sexually attracted to you. The longer he would avoid the pornographic videos and any other sexual material, and limit all of his sexual options to having sex with you, the more your sexual relationship would return to the way it was when you were first married.
But it won't be easy for him to give up his tapes or whatever else he uses for sexual release. Over the years, his methods of self-arousal have probably become very sophisticated and work extremely well -- much better, in fact, than his sex with you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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