His Needs:
1. Admiration
2. Attractive Spouse
3. Affection
4. Sexual Fulfillment
5. Honesty and Openness

Her Needs:
1. Conversation
2. Admiration
3. Financial Support
4. Family Commitment
5. Affection

Z, punctuality isn't one of my strong points. It drives my wife nuts if we are late. She's okay with being on time but is happy when we're a bit early. So I decided long ago that because it was important to her, that I needed to make it a priority. This means I had to organize myself better so I wouldn't be addressed from having to rush.

And, really, most people do badly punctuality. It wasn't until I started being on time that people started being honest about how rude I was for being late constantly.

Neither of you have RC in your top five (we didn't either), but it is very important that you incorporate time for it in your lives, even if it doesn't seem important to either of you at the moment. Have you done the RC inventory?

Yes, we were seperated just a few weeks ago. He's been home a week because he met my conditions for coming home. I still have fears that this won't last -- yesterday, he raised his voice ever so slightly and I about panicked thinking "here it comes!" He didn't have an AO, though, and all is well for now. I do have a plan for what will happen IF he does have another AO again. He has been working on eliminating his AOs for 2 years -- I cannot endure another.

You will probably feel on edge for awhile -- but don't use your fear as a reason to DJ HIM. I think what is important for you to think about is: is he taking responsibility? Is he taking actions to protect you? Is he doing it willingly, or does he say that it is being forced on him?

Yes, we've done the RC inventory. We pull it out when we get stuck in a rut. Sounds like it's time to break it out again!

Oh no! I'm so sorry about the separation. I'm sure it's hard for both of you. You are my dream-couple! I guess it just takes work and awareness to change deeply engrained habits...even for Harley Spirit Jrs.

Prisca, you asked me really good questions! Thanks.

Is he taking responsibility? - Well.....ish. So far, he believes that he's not abusive, nor does he have AOs. He asks for forgiveness a lot, and says "sorry" lots, but I told him I'm more into compensation than forgiveness right now on that stuff. This did not make him happy.

Is he taking actions to protect you? - Well, he goes to AM. He tries not to lose his temper (but had 2 AOs yesterday). And he disagrees that he is AO'ing. So it doesn't always feel like it. He hasn't hurt me or the kids in a while, and just pounds on things (like the table, the chair) and raises his voice when he's upset.

Is he doing it willingly, or does he say that it is being forced on him? - I think this is 50/50. He wants to control his temper. But he gets really upset about the POJA, and negotiating attempts make him angry. He feels like the POJA is "controlling," or that he feels like he has to ask "permission" to do "any little thing." He hates it.

You mentioned not using my fear as a reason to DJ him. If you hear me DJ him here, please tell me so I can eliminate them...

Also, I get confused, because sometimes he calls things DJ's that I don't really consider DJ's: like the overnight travel issue. I don't want him to travel overnight alone because I have trust issues. He says that I SHOULD trust him, and that it's a DJ NOT to trust him. Or when I think he's looking at a woman he gets angry and tells me I am "falsely accusing" him, and that I'm DJ'ing by asking him to change his behavior.

He also says I am AO'ing when I withdraw when he gets angry. He says that my silence and going somewhere else is an Angry Outburst.

I understand that Love Busters are 'in the eye of the beholder' but these don't really seem like LBs to me?

I wrote Joyce and Dr. Harley over the weekend. She called me this morning and asked if my H would go on the radio with them. I hope he decides he'd like to do that. Either I'll be on Thursday, or he will be.

I get so much encouragement just talking to her and hearing her voice!

Yep I agree. Not important to me per se, but important for showing my care to my H.

For the false accusation thing on looking at other women, try stating something like, "I feel invisible when I am looking at you but you are looking at somebody else. It makes me feel insignificant and invisible."

Leave it at that. Refrain from telling him that he needs to stop looking at other women because of how it makes you feel and how he can make you feel better instead. This was a tough one for me--feeling like I needed to put the dots so very close together or my H would not understand--if you do X, I feel Y, so do Z instead and then I will feel A and you will get B and blahblahblah--but it's turned out to be pretty easy. And effective.

My H and I had major issues with overnight travel. I have never been okay with it. Again, it pays to state it as something that simply bothers you, and something you don't want in your life. You don't have to justify why. "I don't like it. I wish you wouldn't do it." I ended up doing an awful amount of "I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about ME, and what I want," in order to get him away from the 'you should trust me' defense.

If someone feels DJ'd, it's probably a DJ, but there are ways to get your point across without accusing or judging the other person, and that is usually by keeping your statements focused on your own experience. Humor helps me.

If you leave him without a word when he gets angry, that is wrong. Tell him what you are doing. "Your anger is bothering me, so I am going to the library. I'll be back at 3, and we can talk about this then." Let him know every time that you are leaving because of his AO. And that you are willing to discuss things without the AOs. It's very easy to get super-angry with someone who walks away without a word.

I am glad that you gt the chance to speak to Dr. Harley again.

I hope you can get some help with your conversation issues. I think you are saying you felt very disappointed when your H told you that he did not enjoy that conversation the other night about his feelings. Men don't typically enjoy that, I don't think they are really wired for that quite the way we are, and are also socially groomed from a young age against this.

Have you ever listened to a conversation your H has had with a male friend or peer? I have noticed with my H and his friends, even lifelong friends, they never discuss "feelings" even when something terrible has happened. I look forward to hearing what Dr. H has to say about this.

I hope you will also discuss the UA time with Dr. Harley. I am glad CWMI mentioned that RC did not make the top 5 EN list for her, or her H. I have wondered about that also, because it didn't make ours either, and the full UA time seems to be more important for me then my H. Like I mentioned before I think he could be happy (if I was of course) with just the SF part!

I hope your H will agree to speak to Dr. Harley, that would be great! I will be listening for you!

***EDIT***

Best thing I've heard all night

Asking your spouse not to do something that hurts you is not a DJ.

Remaining silent in the face of an AO is not an AO. In fact, it is a very good thing to do. When your spouse is having an AO, you should say as little as possible and remove yourself from him. The more you say, the more likely you will become disrespectful or angry in return, escalating the situation.

Z, I am real concerned for you. If he refuses to believe he has AOs, I don't know if he will ever have motivation to change. I think having him talk to Dr. Harley is the best thing for you, and I hope he gets through to him. It is VERY difficult for a woman to bring her husband onboard, and it is already beginning to affect your health.

So you don't ask your H to change the behavior that upsets you? I do focus on my feelings and experience only, but I also ask if we can find a solution we can both be happy with. I guess I can try telling him how I feel then dropping the subject.

As to my leaving, I never walk away without a word. If he escalates the conversation to an AO or starts pounding (or if I feel myself getting upset), I say, "I can't do this right now. We can discuss this later," and leave. I like your idea of pointing out that I am leaving because of his AO - I'll try that.

Thank you TisMe!

I'm excited, too. Thanks Prisca!

Thank you for giving me an outside perspective. I want to avoid Love Busters, and if these aren't LBs then I will have to find out what is upsetting him.

Again Prisca, thank you. You seem to know the right way to handle this whole situation, so I appreciate your advice.

Knowing you and others are here to help me along encourages me VERY MUCH! Thank you for your wonderful advice and insight.

I hope Dr. Harley is able to help us. I really want this to work out and I'm sort of out of ideas.

Not exactly. I had a lot of trouble with my H resenting what he felt was "me telling him what to do." It tends to work out eaiser if I just tell him what's bugging me without lining up all the dots in a row for him. When we worked with SH, Steve told me to slow down and give my H time to catch up and come up with some of his own solutions. Steve knows what he's talking about!

I don't know if your H is like that, rebellious just cause they don't want to be told what to do, but cool if they figure out what to do on their own. Solve the problem, save the girl kind of thing.