I am a 36 yo mother of young children, & I've been married to my firefighter/army national guard husband for 16.5 years. In January 2011, I discovered he was having an affair. After much digging, I learned that it wasn't the first. With the help of this site, I confronted him. He was eager to do whatever I asked. We went to counseling and then for 15 months or so we entered a period where we were very connected, communicated well, & in my view our marriage was beginning to thrive.

Last August, my husband began paramedic school. Initially, we did well in maintaining our connection, meeting each others needs, etc. Towards the end of spring, the stress of school/clinicals, his job, national guard started to mount, and I felt that he was pulling away. We tried to address this, but I guess we did not do so successfully. As he finished up the program and he headed off to his annual training for the national guard, I started having a lot of warning bells go off, but nothing I could put my finger on. On Monday, he finally messed up & the computer monitoring/keylogger software caught him. on Thursday, I confronted him, & he swore that it was not what it seemed that it was all fantasy on his part. I ended the conversation by telling him that regardless of what happens, I deserve full honesty because it will be impossible to work through things without it & if I do leave, it will make our coparenting relationship that much more difficult if this is hanging over our heads.

It was late Friday before we had another chance to talk. He told me that he wants to give me full disclosure, which confirms that my gut was/is correct, but he'd like to do so in writing. He once again seems sorry and says he assumes full responsibility. I haven't given him any expectations other than to tell him that I hope he will seek out help for the sake of his kids.

Part of me wants to be done with it, and I've researched what I need to do to file for divorce. There is another part of me that thinks if he is willing to seek counseling for HIMSELF & fix whatever it is that is mucked up inside that maybe I should try. I know my kids will be fine no matter what I decide, but...
This is what makes me question my sanity. Am I grasping at straws and deluding myself to think that he could possibly change? If he truly puts in the effort to improve himself, does this have to end in divorce? I have my big girl knickers on, so don't spare me.

I am not familiar with your previous thread.
Is your husband a serial cheater?

Hello

I'm pretty new on Marriagebuilders so don't feel able to advise you really other than to say please listen to the guidance of more experienced posters regarding exposing the affairs, plan A and plan B.

I am in the same position as you, married to a serial cheater. I had a 10 year false recovery because my husband never told me the truth about the number of his affairs. My husband also has lots of issues but that is not an excuse for cheating.

I have been told by a marriage counsellor that she has seen couples recover from multiple affairs but I still have my doubts.

I have also tried to co-parent but its impossible in a situation such as this because no matter how hard you try emotions get in the way.

I don't have a previous thread. He is a serial cheater. I imagine the "full disclosure" will reveal that there were even more affairs he did not reveal during the January 2011 discovery.

He ended the previous affair willingly but we did not properly expose. Our marriage counselor accused against involving our families, friends, & church family. that was a huge mistake.

There are many issues at the root of his cheating. I've done my level best to address the things I needed to work on personally & to meet his needs. However, I know that there are issues from childhood as well as ptsd that he needs to address on his own. He has only had counseling through the military/VA. I guess that is where the insanity of thinking reconciliation might be possible comes from. As lame as it sounds, I hate to walk away if there is a chance.

By coparent, I mean divorced parents. I've obviously misjudged him plenty, but I don't foresee him not continuing to be an involved father.

Welcome to MB Jo. Sorry you are here.

The weekends are kind of slow here, but the vets will be along soon to walk you through this.

I know you are not sure what you will do, but either way you need to know the truth, for your sanity.

I recommend you insist on a polygraph test. I know from experience (as many others on here do also) that wayward spouse will only tell you as much as he/she thinks they need to. They will cover ther a$$'s at all cost.

My FWH "trickle truthed" me for 7 months! It was hell! The whole time I had the feeling I was'nt getting the truth...and stories didn't add up.

So, don't waste time and mental strength. Make a list of ALL the questions you want answered, write them down, and have your WH answer them all.

Tell him this is his last opportunity to come clean. If he lies about any of the questions asked you will divorce. Set your bar high and make him earn your trust back.

Of course ask about any "inappropriate" relationships with women (you need to define inappropriate) Also, remember to ask things about porn, strip clubs, any email accts you don't know about, any chat rooms he is/has been active in, social networking sites, private cell phones, any post office box you don't know about...ect.. cover it all.

You can come here with your list and we will help you add or refine your questions.

Your not crazy. Many of us here know how you feel. Hang in there!

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Jo. I'm sorry you have to be here under these circumstances, but you've come to the right place to recover your marriage.

One thing I want to make clear to you going in to recovery is this: Your WH's childhood has NOTHING to do with his adult choices. Those are not at the root of his cheating. He chose to cheat, AS AN ADULT, because he had lousy boundaries with other women. That's what needs to be addressed.

Do you want to recover your marriage? How can we help you?

Thank you for the replies. I know mentioning personal issues makes it seem like justification. I don't believe that it is excuses him at all. i'm not sure what I want. I'm still in discovery mode. At this point, I guess I'd like to know thoughts on whether or not there's hope that a serial cheater will reform. I'm don't want to make any rash decisions in any direction.

Jo, the good news in this whole sorry mess is that you don't have to make any rash decisions. You are driving the bus now, my friend. Please take some time to read the articles on this site. Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair"? Please order it asap - you can get it on this website at the bookstore, or look for it on Amazon.com.

There is help here, friend.

I'll order it now. I've been browsing the articles...any particular to start with?

I'm not savvy enough to link the articles here, but go to Articles then Surviving and Affair. Thats a good place to start.

There is hope. It is a Loooong narrow path to make it work, but it can be done. And you really need to listen to the vets here. Sometimes what they say seems irrational, but it works. The MB plan is unlike any other out there, but it works if both spouses are on board and follow the plan.

I know from experience. My FWH had multiple A's. He is a completely differnt person now.

Like MB said, you are driving this bus. You don't need to make a decision right now as to your future.

If your WH resumed his A with the same OW, there's a pretty good chance yet of R. If he never corrected the parts of his life and mindset that permitted the first A(s?) and this opened the door for a new OW, there may still be a decent chance of R.

If he's a true serial cheater, addicted to adultery itself rather than to his OW(s?), there is still a small chance.

Time will tell.

A poly isn't always necessary. For standard, one-time A's, I hardly ever recommend them. For someone with multiple A's or any kind of odd circumstance, a poly is the way to go. Most waywards sing like canaries a day or two prior.

For articles, I'd start with the section of letters on what to do with a wayward husband. Oh, and NO YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!!! You never fully healed because he didn't actually start doing all the EP's and have decent boundaries. The time where you first began to doubt your own sanity was not long after he resumed C with his OW or found a new one.

You're not the one who's nuts. I promise.

Start with these. There are a total of 5 of them. Read all the way to the bottom and click on next letter.
What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband #1
What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband #2

Dr. Harley says the conditions that allowed the affairs to happen must end. So what allowed his affairs to happen? His jobs? Then he finds another job.

It is a new OW. I am still waiting on the full disclosure he's promised. I'm giving him until tomorrow for that. I'm working on my plans. Just not sure whether it will be to ask him to leave or Plan A.



In January 2011, we exposed the affairs to his immediate firefighter coworkers. It's the military that is the issue. All of the affairs that I am currently aware of have been associated with the national guard. I didn't expose it to the right people out of fear of what might happen. Due to his enlistment (ends 3/2013), we changed how we handled his training weekends. We went with him and made it a family event. It was not possible for us to go with him for the annual trainings. This most recent affair happened at his annual training in June. I fear that he is going to tell me that there was an incident last year as well.

I know this reads jumbled, but it's very jumbled in my brain. I'm really struggling with walking away. I just don't know if he can or will change.

One question, does Dr. Harley address specifically address serial cheating anywhere?

Listen to this radio clip on serial cheaters.
Radio Clip on Serial Cheaters

Exposure to the right people within the NG is your most powerful weapon. I recommend that you cast off your fear of what will happen and use it. You standing between WH, OWs, and justice, is not beneficial to any of them in the long run, or to you and the family.

This isn't your fault at all. It was his choice to break the law, and it needs to be up to his superiors what happens as a result of HIS CHOICES.