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brainhurts,
thanks so much for the encouragement. it is indeed hard work but i know it will definately be worth it and our marriage will be better than ever!
right now we are still dealing with the triggers. 20year is doing mcuh better with them, the down times not as often and not nearly as long. i wished there was more i could do for him. What are the triggers? You can help by eliminating them. What are they?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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brainhurts,
today the trigger was: i work for a judge and i was in court this morning. i had told 20year last night that i was in morning court and it was going to be busy. this morning before i went into court, i texted him to tell him i was going into court. he emailed me a few times and i didnt respond because it was a very busy session and i wasn't able to. i responded about 1.5 hours later and by then he said he was depressed and felt like sh*t. he hadnt heard from me in over an hour. he said he was triggered.
it seems triggers happen about 3 times a week. he said the down time doesnt last as long as it used to and the down isnt as down.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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So how long does he need you to respond by?
Is there any way you can step out and send a quick text "still in court"?
Dr. Harley has said if he is with clients and Joyce calls he will excuse himself to take her call.
Is there any way you can do this for him?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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brainhurts,
i text him when i leave for work and when i get to the office. i text him about every hour in the morning. call him when i get some lunch. text him when i get back to the office. text him every hour in the afternoon. then call him on the way home. that is what a general day looks like. but sometimes, work does get in the way, like today. sometimes the court session is hectic and i am not able to at least email, but that doesn't happen too often. i should have at least sent a quick email that read "busy, will email later". but i didnt. i thought that when i told him it was going to be a busy morning that he would understand. but i guess that was a dj on my part.
i cant remember the other instances where he is triggered (it has been a long week and my brain isnt thinking). i will post them as they come along.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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Well it sounds like you already know. He needs some kind of contact from you at least every hour.
So what have you said to him since this happened?
It takes time, friend. He needs to see you doing the consistency and work.
Remind me who your OM was again. Did the affair happen when you were working?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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brainhurts,
i have apologized and asked him if there was anything i can do for him.
my OM was a friend from high school, 20+ years ago. we connected on the evil facebook. we communicated through facebook and email during work hours.
it is so hard seeing my husband depressed. he generally is an upbeat and positive person. it is hard especially knowing that i am the cause.
Last edited by clearmind; 08/17/12 07:42 PM.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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So you see why not responding to him is a trigger, correct?
What did he say you could do when you asked him?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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brainhurts,
yes, i can see why it is a trigger for him.
when i texted him after it happened, he replied "he just wanted to be left alone" or words to that effect.
this evening when i asked, he replied "just no pressure". i wasnt sure what that meant and it really wasnt the time to ask. i dont feel i am someone who pressures.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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more triggers this weekend. the first one was my husband was watching the movie Horrible Bosses. in that movie there is adultry. the second trigger was the song "Jesse's Girl". it came up on my ipod. the actual song wasn't the trigger but the lyrics that talk about infidelity. (Needless to say, i removed that song from my ipod ASAP). it seems everywhere we turn around, adultry is talked about, sung about, etc. Seems we just can't get away from it. A couple years ago, i wouldn't have thought twice about it, but now, i think it is horrible how freely it is discussed as no big deal.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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clearmind, it is AMAZING how many movies glorify adultery. You just have to get real choosy about what you watch and pay careful attention to the reviews.
I told your husband and I will tell you this: you guys will start seeing a big difference in your marriage when you start getting in your UA time. That will make the fastest, greatest love bank deposits of anything. And I don't mean sitting on the couch while you are exhausted after you put the kids to bed, but actually going out on 4 dates per week.
Did you read my posts to him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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melodylane,
i did read the posts on 20year thread and thanks for motivating him to increase the ua! he needed that kick in the behind. i have been telling him that i have been getting many posts about the importance of ua but i dont think he really "got it" until the vets posted the same to him. he told me at lunch that he wanted to actually schedule our ua for the week and to brainstorm on how we can get the required 20 hours in. thanks again for all your help! you are making a difference.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ready for the big UA weekend coming up?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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brainhurts,
i am looking forward to the weekend! crossing my fingers that there will not be any triggers. i am relieved that 20year is excited about it also. as you may know, he wasn't too enthusiastic at the beginning. tomorrow is our actual 15th anniversary. i took someone else's advice on not buying a card (since probably not an appropriate one in the store anyways) and i am making him a card. i am hoping for good feelings tomorrow!
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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brainhurts,
i am looking forward to the weekend! crossing my fingers that there will not be any triggers. i am relieved that 20year is excited about it also. as you may know, he wasn't too enthusiastic at the beginning. tomorrow is our actual 15th anniversary. i took someone else's advice on not buying a card (since probably not an appropriate one in the store anyways) and i am making him a card. i am hoping for good feelings tomorrow! There will be. You are working the program and he is also. I have noticed his enthusiasm is there. Just keep filling his love bank and eliminate any love busters. You're doing well. Keep it up!! So let the program do it's job. Have you read this? Maybe read it with 20. Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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brainhurts,
thanks for the encouragement! it really really helps. 20year has been so much more enthusiastic this past week. i am loving it!
i have read that post from 20year's thread. very good info! but sometimes it is easier said than done. i am pretty good at redirecting memories but the post will help me help 20year better.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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brainhurts,
thanks for the encouragement! it really really helps. 20year has been so much more enthusiastic this past week. i am loving it!
i have read that post from 20year's thread. very good info! but sometimes it is easier said than done. i am pretty good at redirecting memories but the post will help me help 20year better.  I think you two will be a MB success story. 
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 130
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thanks brainhurts, i feel that we will be a success also! a long happy marriage together is what we want more than anything. i believe if both of us do our part, we can achieve that.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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Joined: Nov 2010
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thanks brainhurts, i feel that we will be a success also! a long happy marriage together is what we want more than anything. i believe if both of us do our part, we can achieve that. Yes you will. Have you seen this? My program of marriage recovery is exactly the same as most weight loss programs. Whenever it's followed, the marriage recovers. I know of no other program of marital recovery that can make that claim. In fact, if you follow the advice of most marriage recovery programs today, your marriage will not recover. That's why a 1995 Consumer's Report survey found marriage counseling to be the least effective form of psychotherapy. Only 16% found the experience to be helpful.
For those who complete my program of marital recovery, 100% find the experience to be more than helpful -- it solves their marital problems. But just like in dieting, the successful outcome depends entirely on motivation. Only those who are not motivated enough to complete the program fail.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 130
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brainhurts,
i can definately see the correlation with dieting! this MB program should be taught to those going into the marriage counseling business. i believe in it 100%. i feel that i know so much more about marriages than many other married couples. i see a lot of unhappy marriages, but they don't know any different. i was one of those people until MB. i feel i now have the key to have a happy marriage.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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