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Marriage Builders Forums General Discussion Divorcing/Divorced Separated..heading for divorce but living together

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Separated..heading for divorce but living together #2653298 08/04/12 11:16 PM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	Hi! Was member here nine yrs ago. Worked hard on marriage to no avail. As the subject line says...that is our sitch. Anyone else in this type of sep/divorce sitch? We cannot afford sep living spaces and still have a 16 yr old at home. Any experience or advice from others living this way? Things are tense and complicated to say the least here.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653300 08/04/12 11:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus B BrainHurts Member
BrainHurts Member B Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus	Originally Posted by Frags Hi! Was member here nine yrs ago. Worked hard on marriage to no avail. As the subject line says...that is our sitch. Anyone else in this type of sep/divorce sitch? We cannot afford sep living spaces and still have a 16 yr old at home. Any experience or advice from others living this way? Things are tense and complicated to say the least here. Welcome back Frags. Could you tell us your old posting name so we could read your history? FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together BrainHurts #2653301 08/05/12 12:13 AM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	Hi! My username was Fraggles or Frags..something and cannot remember password to old account. Quick recap: I am BW. Married 1993. Three kids. Affair was in 2003. BH ended it (?) OW stalked me for 15 months. We moved 135 miles from hometown. Marriage counseling for awhile but I did not want to move away from my oldest D who now has 2 children. BH still lives without integrity. Not sure about any other affairs but general ethics are not there. I am far from perfect but we both deserve to be happy and we are not. So here is where we are...as stated above.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653302 08/05/12 12:25 AM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus B BrainHurts Member
BrainHurts Member B Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus	Originally Posted by Frags Hi! My username was Fraggles or Frags..something and cannot remember password to old account. Quick recap: I am BW. Married 1993. Three kids. Affair was in 2003. BH ended it (?) OW stalked me for 15 months. We moved 135 miles from hometown. Marriage counseling for awhile but I did not want to move away from my oldest D who now has 2 children. BH still lives without integrity. Not sure about any other affairs but general ethics are not there. I am far from perfect but we both deserve to be happy and we are not. So here is where we are...as stated above. So did you follow the MB program? Do you want to save your marriage? Did your WH put EPs in place? I'm so sorry your still in pain. Did you ever press charges against OW? Do you still see OW? Who was OW? FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together BrainHurts #2653303 08/05/12 12:27 AM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus B BrainHurts Member
BrainHurts Member B Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus	Is this you? Fraggles's Post Fraggles's Post FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together BrainHurts #2653305 08/05/12 12:35 AM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	Yep that's me :-)

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653306 08/05/12 12:36 AM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	Correction on previous post : WH not BH. I never cheated.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653307 08/05/12 12:41 AM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	No I do not want to save the marriage. Just looking for advice on managing next two yrs living together before DD graduates HS and I can move back home.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653308 08/05/12 12:41 AM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus B BrainHurts Member
BrainHurts Member B Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus	Originally Posted by Frags Correction on previous post : WH not BH. I never cheated. Wow Frags I have been just skimming your posts but no wondering you guys are struggling. Do you still live near OW? Does she still torment you? Did your WH ever implement EPs? What part of the program did you implement? Did you ever expose to OW's stepdad? It sounds like he would have been a huge effect in keeping the affair cut off. Did your WH ever write a NC? IS he living his life transparent to you? What were the conditions that lead to his affair? Have these conditions been stopped? FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653309 08/05/12 12:42 AM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus B BrainHurts Member
BrainHurts Member B Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus	Originally Posted by Frags No I do not want to save the marriage. Just looking for advice on managing next two yrs living together before DD graduates HS and I can move back home. Does your DD know you will be divorcing when she graduates? FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together BrainHurts #2653311 08/05/12 12:45 AM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	We do not live anywhere near OW now - have not for 7 yrs. Divorce involves that wayward behavior but many others...don't want to go into the past - was hoping for help with the future...

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together BrainHurts #2653312 08/05/12 12:49 AM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	Kids know we are struggling. Haven't disclosed final outcome. DD had suicide attempt last summer and we are sensitive to that. But she is not clueless. We have had discussions with kids lately - son is heading to college this month.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653313 08/05/12 12:51 AM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	Sorry typing on my kindle. Keyboard ability is limited. Can extrapolate more when I am on a reg computer.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653314 08/05/12 12:57 AM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus B BrainHurts Member
BrainHurts Member B Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus	Originally Posted by Frags Sorry typing on my kindle. Keyboard ability is limited. Can extrapolate more when I am on a reg computer. I understand. So your WH won't stop his WH behaviour? So do you share a bedroom? There have been posters that share a house until the D is final but as expected it's pretty tough on everyone. FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together BrainHurts #2653317 08/05/12 01:03 AM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	No shared bedroom. I moved into guestroom four mos ago. WS never changed behavior. Went thru motions etc. but kept WS behavior. I have tried to grin and bear it but cannot anymore. Miss my family, my grandkids and want to go home.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653463 08/05/12 07:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	So is there anyone on this board who has been through being separated but living together? Looking for advice and /or support. Have appt with Dr on Wed for meds and therapist on Thursday for guidance and help with situational depression associated with this and many other factors in my life. Any posts are appreciated. I found lots of support here years ago trying to get through STBXH 's affair and resulting consequences! Frags formerly Fraggles STBXH formerly DFW M 1993 STBXH PA 2003 DD 26, DS 18, DD 16 2 grandkids GS 6, GD 3

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653469 08/05/12 08:06 PM
Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas M MelodyLane Member
MelodyLane Member M Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas	Hi Frags. Dr Harley would NOT recommend living together - he wold recommend separation. He would tell you to get him moved out and go into Plan B. He needs to find another place to live. "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together MelodyLane #2653482 08/05/12 08:37 PM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	Yes in a perfect world that is what I would want but economy and finances dictate differently. Plus it would be me moving out. Never wanted this house, want to move home and he wants the moneypit .. but again, no extra funds to support another household. We are sleeping apart and no fulfillment of ENs in any way.

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together Frags #2653484 08/05/12 08:43 PM
Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas M MelodyLane Member
MelodyLane Member M Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas	Originally Posted by Frags We are sleeping apart and no fulfillment of ENs in any way. That's the kind of arrangement that leads to nervous breakdowns. Harley would recommend about 3 weeks of Plan A and then a separation. If I were you, I would try harder. I think it would be reckless and irresponsible to try and help you endure a very messed up situation that is likely to lead to emotional and physical harm. In arrangements where one spouse moves into their guest room and pretends they are "separated" there is usually one spouse that is dating adding to the trauma. I would get out of there, even if you have to leave your child for the time being. "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101

Re: Separated..heading for divorce but living together MelodyLane #2653485 08/05/12 08:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20 F Frags OP Junior Member
OP Frags Junior Member F Joined: Aug 2012 Posts: 20	NOT an option...will not leave my child. Guess I may find support elsewhere.

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Marriage Builders Forums General Discussion Divorcing/Divorced Separated..heading for divorce but living together

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