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#2528496 07/16/11 11:59 AM
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I am new to this site but I'm not sure where else to turn. I am currently separated and thought all was going well with the separation until recently. My hope was that we would be able to remain friends, keep an amicable relationship and not end up hating each other. It seemed that this was possible until just recently when suddenly he changed his behavior. This is not the first time we have had issues, we almost separated 8 years ago, but I decided to stay and try to work thru things....8 years later, the same issues are still here, unresolved.
Background as to issues....I don't know that I should say "separated" as we were never legally married. He insisted on a wedding with no marriage license. His reasoning was "I don't want the government to be part of our marriage." And, I loved him so much that I agreed to this condition. After we were married, the only thing we shared was a bed. We did not share finances or property, we did not file our taxes together. This was all part of "not allowing the government in our marriage".
The economy did a number on his business, so he sold it and was unemployed for 4 years. During that time I continued to work and maintain insurance on our family. During this time I realized he was becoming depressed. And then one day a friend of mine sent me links to 2 threads on a website forum. The links were to 2 different threads on the same website. The first thread was "My Hot Wife" and there were several posts by him that included my pictures and how he thought he had a "hot wife". That was all flattering....until I opened the link to the 2nd thread....."Hot Babes"....thinking I'd find more pix of myself that he had posted. That is not what I found. Instead I found nude pix of other women, pictures that had been taken from porn sites. In the posts with these pictures were comments like, "I sure would like to spend the weekend in there" and "I'd love to give her a hard time for the weekend. Wonder if she could handle it?" I was crushed. And what was even worse than knowing he'd posted these pix and messages, was knowing that many of our friends had seen it and knew who he was even though he had a login that was not his real name.....he had ON THE SAME DAY posted pictures of ME in the "My Hot Wife" thread!!! Did he not think people would know who he was?
I waited a while and continued watching the site, throwing up occasionally at the posts. Knowing that while I was at work, he was sitting at home on the computer looking at porn, visiting porn chat sites and wishing he was with these women he'd posted pictures of. Finally, I couldn't take it any more and I confronted him. Not only did I confront him with this issue, but with another issue that had bothered me for quite awhile.
He had a female friend for as long as I had known him. They had been friends for many years before we met and I liked her. She lived in Germany and would call occasionally and send emails. When he and I married, she flew home for our wedding. During the rehearsal I was told that it is bad luck for the bride to walk down the aisle, so she is the one that stood in as the make shift bride. When the pix from our professional photographer came back there was one of him and her walking away from everyone (we were married outside) and they were holding hands. If I didn't know any better and had seen this photo I would have thought it was a picture of lovers holding hands. So.....with all this other stuff running thru my mind I asked him about her. He admitted to me that he and she had been more than friends before and that he had a long term affair with her when she was married to her first husband. So....he has his mistress at our wedding!
I was ready to leave, but we talked and talked and decided to try and work it out. He promised to merge our finances, put my name on our property and to stay away from the porn.
Two years later our finances and property were still separate and he was approaching his 3rd year of unemployment. One Sunday night I asked him what his week looked like and he said, "I start class tomorrow." I was shocked. Start class? What are you talking about? He had decided to go back to college and get yet another degree, this being his 3rd, and had not even discussed this with me. He had not worked in almost 3 years, me being the sole bread winner, so he had taken the money out of savings to pay for college and had not discussed any of this with me.
I decided he was trying to make a better life and I tried to forget that he had not considered my feelings on the matter, nor had he included me in this life changing decision. So, he went back to school while I continued to work.
About a year after he graduated I was diagnosed with cancer. I went thru surgery and several stays in the hospital but was finally deemed cancer free. Two years after my recovery I was laid off from my job of 5 years. I was devastated. But the worse part was the fact that my husband would not put me on his insurance during my unemployment of 11 months. The reason he wouldn't put me on his insurance is he would have to admit that I was legally his wife. Without a marriage license his employer wouldn't allow me on the insurance. He could have signed a form stating I was his significant other, but he wouldn't do that either. So, I went 11 months with no insurance, praying I would not have a cancer relapse. Thank goodness I did not.
This action flipped a switch in me, a switch that I couldn't and can't get to flip back. Last year on our anniversary, I was still trying...but I woke up and he was gone...I spent the entire day by myself. At dinner that night there was no anniversary gift either.
I have a new job and I travel now. In February he told me he was happier when I was gone. Our lease was expiring soon and he told me to find my own place to live and he would find his. So...after all this I finally decided that it was time to move on.
Now that I have left he has changed his mind. He is obsessed with having me back. And the part that scares me for my safety....when he was 18 his mother was going to leave his father and his father killed his mother and then killed himself. He left a letter stating that he couldn't leave without her but that she needed to be judged. AND last week after we had a long talk attempting reconciliation he told me that he didn't want to live, when he went to sleep he didn't want to wake up and what made me start sobbing, he said, "I now understand how my dad did what he did." He then made comments like, "You are MY WIFE! Your body is mine! I can't stand the thought of another man touching you." Yesterday he showed up at my apartment banging on the door at 6:00 in the morning, yelling, "I know you are in there."
I'm truly worried I'm going to meet the same fate that his mother met.

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Quote
Yesterday he showed up at my apartment banging on the door at 6:00 in the morning, yelling, "I know you are in there."
I'm truly worried I'm going to meet the same fate that his mother met.

Eastbeachgirl, I share your concern and would strongly recommend you protect yourself. Get a restraining order against him. Call the police. Don't let him do this to you again without calling the police. Do you have a gun to protect yourself? You have to have some way to protect yourself if he breaks in and tries to kill you.

The reason I am fearful for you is because 80+% of domestic violence occurs in living together or married but lived together FIRST relationships. Did you know that? They are very dangerous situations because shackers believe in quid pro quo and they keep score. When the score is not even, they resort to demands. When demands don't work, they resort to violence.

Please protect yourself! Do you have someone you can stay with for a while?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dr Bill Harley in Living Together Before Marriage:
Compatibility Test or Curse?

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"A host of studies have found that couples who live together before marriage suffer three times the incidence of domestic violence that married couples suffer (4). And my experience working with cases of domestic violence in marriage almost exclusively involves couples who lived together before they were married. So cohabiting not only tends to lead to failed marriages, but it also tends to lead to violence whether or not the couple ever marry.

When the Renter's agreement is in force, demands, disrespect, and anger are the norm. Cohabiting couples don't look for solutions that make both of them happy. They look for solutions that make one person sacrifice for the happiness of the other. And if sacrifice is not forthcoming, punishment is inflicted." here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody, thank you for that information, but we did not live together before we were "married". We married without a marriage license. Although, in my eyes we were married, in the eyes of the state and the eyes of my husband, we were not legally a married couple.

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Originally Posted by EastBeachGirl
Melody, thank you for that information, but we did not live together before we were "married". We married without a marriage license. Although, in my eyes we were married, in the eyes of the state and the eyes of my husband, we were not legally a married couple.

So you got married in a church wedding? Then why does your husband not consider you married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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We were married outside by a pastor that also did not believe in marriage licenses. I have no legal ground to stand on as his wife because legally, I'm not.

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Be careful and protect yourself, ok?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Move far and fast, get a RO, buy a gun or keep distance and close weapons handy--knives, bats, fire pokers, mace, flares even...document everything with police reports.

STOP talking to him, and MOVE. NOW. Use a PO Box for your address, don't have a home phone. Go invisible. Seriously. I cannot stress this enough. Whatever it costs you to break your lease and quit your job, DO IT.

New life starts now.

Please.





Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Originally Posted by EastBeachGirl
We were married outside by a pastor that also did not believe in marriage licenses. I have no legal ground to stand on as his wife because legally, I'm not.
Surely you can see the instability of this sort of 'marriage', yes? This is playing pretend. And that's coming back to haunt you now.

Your SO is behaving like an unmarried man because he is an unmarried man.

In any event: the next time he threatens you, call the police. I would also suggest you move immediately, or get to a safe house until you can find another place to live.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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It may be overwhelming to think of quitting your job and moving away. You think, "I'll start tomorrow or the next day. I can't today because ..." and many reasons will pop into your head. Your mind will play tricks on you. It will convince you that it's not really as bad as you think. Your mind is wrong in this instance.

Don't wait until tomorrow. Grab your phone right now and call a women's shelter. Tell them what you've told us here. Ask for their help and guidance.

Do you have friends or family close by? Call them and tell them what you've told us here. Ask for their support. Tell as many people as you can because that way you can't talk yourself out of the real danger that exists. Too many people will know by then and they'll set you straight.

Inform them at work that you are fearful for your life and why. You need to inform them so that fellow employees can protect themselves and call the cops if your "husband" shows up there looking for you.

If you need convincing to act, read your own post above. Your fears are real and justified. Do not downplay the seriousness of this situation. It's deadly serious and you know it.

Go! Go! Gol! Get yourself out of harm's way and God bless.


BW (me) - 57
XWH-54
2DSs- 16 and 17
Married 16 years
D-Day - 8/21/09
XWH moved out 10-9-09
Divorce Finalized 11-19-10
XWH moved 4 states away (on 11/22/10) to live with OW.
XWH married OW 1-15-11
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EBG

Why not let the post stand for itself?

nESRE

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First, when the government does not recognize you as married then you are NOT married.
Second, I would encourage you to contact the Police Dept. They deal with angry boyfriends all the time; they should be able to help you get a restraining order against him; then move.

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Originally Posted by EastBeachGirl
I'm truly worried I'm going to meet the same fate that his mother met.

EastBeachGirl left out a few things......EBG left out that she had been having an affair with a Married man for over a year....her Affair-partner was older than her father!
Kind of creepy huh?
EBG was 43 and the OM was in his late 60's.
It gets better.....EBG cheated on her first husband with the same elderly OM.
When I suspected something was going on I confronted EBG several times and asked for the truth....each time EBG lied to me and denied it was going on....so who is the liar?
EGB is a serial cheater.....she will cheat again.
EGB used her own daughter to perpetuate her own sleazy affair.
I was at my Wifes side when she was fighting the courts for custody of her daughter.....I was at her side when her ex-husband attacked me. I was at her side when she was diagnosed with cancer.....I was at her side when she had complications from the surgery.....I was at her side when she was maliciously terminated.....I was at her side and promoted her when she found her new employment.....I NEVER HELD HER BACK!
Rather than work it out together....she contacted her elderly married boyfriend for some sleazy "Roll in the Hay".
You are a CHEATER EBG.....You will ALWAYS be a cheater unless you seek some help for your pathologic selfishness and insecurities!
You have "Daddy Issues" that you never processed!!
EGB YOU NEED SOME PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP!!!!
I tried to help you but you LIED TO THE COUNSELOR!!!!!
EBG you can say what you want about me.....I accept responsibility for my actions....but it was YOU who were out screwing another man...REPEATEDLY!!!!!..and lieing to me and our daughter about it.
Tell them the ENTIRE truth!!!!


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Originally Posted by BillCarolina
Originally Posted by EastBeachGirl
I'm truly worried I'm going to meet the same fate that his mother met.

EastBeachGirl left out a few things......EBG left out that she had been having an affair with a Married man for over a year....her Affair-partner was older than her father!
Kind of creepy huh?
EBG was 43 and the OM was in his late 60's.
It gets better.....EBG cheated on her first husband with the same elderly OM.
When I suspected something was going on I confronted EBG several times and asked for the truth....each time EBG lied to me and denied it was going on....so who is the liar?
EGB is a serial cheater.....she will cheat again.
EGB used her own daughter to perpetuate her own sleazy affair.
I was at my Wifes side when she was fighting the courts for custody of her daughter.....I was at her side when her ex-husband attacked me. I was at her side when she was diagnosed with cancer.....I was at her side when she had complications from the surgery.....I was at her side when she was maliciously terminated.....I was at her side and promoted her when she found her new employment.....I NEVER HELD HER BACK!
Rather than work it out together....she contacted her elderly married boyfriend for some sleazy "Roll in the Hay".
You are a CHEATER EBG.....You will ALWAYS be a cheater unless you seek some help for your pathologic selfishness and insecurities!
You have "Daddy Issues" that you never processed!!
EGB YOU NEED SOME PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP!!!!
I tried to help you but you LIED TO THE COUNSELOR!!!!!
EBG you can say what you want about me.....I accept responsibility for my actions....but it was YOU who were out screwing another man...REPEATEDLY!!!!!..and lieing to me and our daughter about it.
Tell them the ENTIRE truth!!!!
She did admit to the affair when she posted on your thread. It was on that post that she identified herself as your partner. That post was removed for some reason.

You, however, never told us about the things she describes in this thread. Are they true?

Are you legally married?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Lawyers in SC tell me that we are married and that the marriage needs to be adjudicated in the courts.

Yes....some of those actions described by her were my actions.


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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If you are married, then how do you explain your new "love interest"?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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If you are really that afraid surely you would be dealing with the police, and friends, and a crisis centre, and be finding ways to protect yourself.

Instead you come into the very same marriage website that HE posted on to talk about this?? (When you're not even married!). And with which you don't even have a lengthy history of interaction?

If you truly feel unsafe then DO something about it. Dont waste time on an internet forum with anon strangers who can do precisely nothing to assist you.

Sorry, but there is something rotten in the state of Denmark.


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The original poster hasn't been here since July 2011...


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

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