Three to six months???

No no no.

Exposure, snooping and negotiating him to get on board with a full recovery plan should take only three weeks.

If you wait that long your love bank will drain and recovery will be impossible. Your health will suffer too.

If he is still protecting the secrets of his affair and not healing you after three weeks you should Plan B him.

You are being gaslighted into accepting crumbs. Why should you, the BS accept more secrets? And blame? This is a FR waiting to happen unless you get tough.

Exposure is often the most effective tool on a waywards attitude.

What are you doing re exposure?

We talked a little tonight. I didn't pressure him very much to reveal exactly who she was. He mentioned how he hated going to work lately, and I asked if SHE was there, and he said "No, you don't have to worry about that; she's gone." I asked him if she was totally out of his life, and he said yes. That's a big relief! If he was going to have to quit his job, we were going to be up the creek!

The man is seriously depressed though. I have been trying to talk him into going to the doctor to try some antidepressants. He's been very resistant to that, but he told me tonight that he would try to call the doctor Monday morning. I really, really, really hope that will help. When I bring up that I feel like he doesn't even want to be around me, he says he doesn't want to be around anyone, not even himself. I hope and pray that if we can treat the depression successfully that he will be more willing to work on our marriage. Right now I feel like I'm trying to work on a broken marriage with a brick wall.

Thanks for the advice and for letting me vent!!!

Lew, your fogged-out wayward husband has just told you that his girlfriend is "gone". Please tell me you didn't buy this for one second!

CONFIRM CONFIRM CONFIRM (with anyone other than your husband!)

So you haven't exposed?

Will he write the NC letter? If he won't, that will be a huge red flag that she isn't gone just took it deeper.

What spying techniques do you have in place?

BH, where's that FR link?

lew, you haven't actually done anything to engender the end of the a, is that right? i wouldn't be too quick to believe this statement (sorry, i know that hurts). you must verify, which you can't do if you don't know who she is. plus, your WH needs to get onboard with recovery, which you can't do without O&H.

please tell us where you are in the process. right now, it appears the only action that has occurred is this statement. i'm afraid you need to consider your relationship still under attack from an active a. there's a lot of work to be done before you can even consider recovery.

And exposure? Snooping? What is being done?

Here they are. Please read these.
False Recovery
False Recovery:Need voices of experience

I am watching his phone, computer and money usage. Keep in mind also that I didn't discover the affair; I would never have known about it if he hadn't told me. At what point can I believe him? I'm not finding any evidence that anything is going on. That being said, he is exhibiting some behaviors that I saw in the False Recovery thread, like being so "hurt" and defensive when I bring up the subject. When he gets home tonight I will ask him to come clean with me about who she was and how it happened. He's good at dodging questions though. I'm going to have to be tough. Any prayers you could send up on my behalf would be greatly appreciated.

Yes its fairly obvious he is not repentant. He chooses to blame you and will blame ongoing slips on you too.



Does he know? Or are you being properly discreet? You need to snoop like a bloodhound.

As you don't know who OW is, he could be seeing her all the time (in spite of what he says)


That's his call. If you are calm, and say "this is what it will take to keep me in the marriage" you've done your part. Give him ALL the MB conditions for recovery. Not just RH.

Do you have the conditions? Write them down for him.

If he says no, or gets defensive, don't argue, just say "well That's your call but I will not stay in a secretive/unhealed marriage" then go off and do something else.

Being calm scares the crap out of waywards.

I am concerned why you do not feel that it is your RIGHT, as his WIFE, to have even the identity of the POSOW who slept with YOUR HUSBAND. Why you are accepting this blatant lack of respect and remorse? You deserve better than this. You know that don't you?

"A betrayed spouse usually expects their wayward spouse to express guilt and remorse over the pain inflicted by the thoughtlessness of the affiar. . .at the beginning of recovery, remorse is rarely expressed. . .It's very common for the wayward spouse to not feel remorse." ~p. 84 of Surviving an Affair

Remorse isn't essential - from WWs, as their brain chemistry is more affected by the A.

A WH should return "hat in hand" ready to do anything.

But remorse or no remorse THEY HAVE TO WORK THE PLAN!!!

Sue, a typical WW was not remorseful but without RH she would have been sent straight back to Plan B.

DR H "without a plan for recovery in place, the BS is better off continuing with Plan B"

Skipping exposure and RH is not a 'small deviation' it is a huge oversight, looking the other way and being denial.

Try a quick fix of your own devising if you want a disastrous result and an FR.

If you want success, follow the MB plan in FULL

Tell him to commit to a Plan for recovery.

Tell him:

I want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and I will NOT stay in a loveless marriage. I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take:

1. End all contact with OW for life - send her a letter that we write together and is mailed by me

2. No more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. Complete transparency - cell phone passwords,finances etc

4. No more opposite sex friendships

5. Complete honesty about your affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. Commit to a program for marital recovery of my choosing.

This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage. You will have to have willingness and ability to make radical changes in your life if we are going to be married. Your lifestyle must become an open book, holding nothing back. These precautions are to prevent another affair. I love you and have no doubt that you are capable of loving behaviour and meeting these requirements

I really can't find any evidence that he is continuing the affair. I think the problem is he just doesn't want to fix his relationship with me. He still doesn't want to talk about it though. He acts like I'm the one who cheated on him. He just seems disgusted with me and has no desire to make things better. He can't even remember why he fell in love with me in the first place. So what now? Kick him out?

This right here pretty much is proof that the A is still active. All of the above smack of a wayward in an active A.

Keep snooping.

That is EXACTLY what my H said to me. He was still having the A. Your H has given his feelings, opened his heart to the other woman, so he has none for you. DON'T listen to his revision of history. He loved you enough to marry you at the time he married you, or he wouldn't have!!!! They ALL say that!!!! The grass is always greener on the other side for these foggy waywards b/c they don't have REAL lives with these AP's. They are living the easy, fun, no problems, always exciting, FANTASY that does not exist in REAL life relationships!!!! It took him creating the marriage that he wanted also. It wasn't up to just you to create a wonderful marriage. He chose to treat you disrespectfully, and cheat on you as a way to handle his issues instead of negotiate, love through, and show respect to create a better marriage. DON'T LET HIM TURN THIS AROUND ON YOU!!!!! Don't listen to his fogbabble. It is said to hurt you and project the blame on to you!!!!! You are controlable when you are down!!! Put up a force field and see his fogbabble and gaslighting for the S#!t that it is!!!!! Don't take it ANYMORE!!!! Draw your line. Ok, you don't know, C-YA!!!!!! B/c what is he giving you to hold on to? Why would you want to stay with that? Make him hit rock bottom!!!! What he does then, is up to him. If he doesn't choose your marriage, then you don't want it. You would live miserably for the entire rest of your life staying with someone like that!!! Care enough about yourself to give him the chance to break free of the fog and choose you. If he doesn't, then you KNOW and can make the right decisions for you!!!

$100 says it's a coworker and, besides, what did you expect him to say..."Yeah, honey, she's still there and we see each other all the time." Think about that, ok?

Has he told you her name yet?

His behavior screams of someone that is in an active affair.

Can you afford a PI?

Private Investigators

Don't need one. I found the evidence I need. Guess what? He's having affairs with TWO DIFFERENT WOMEN!!! One of them knows about both of us. I sent the other one a message asking if she knew about the other.

So, he's gone. I kicked him out. I'm in the process now of sending messages to his Facebook friends, and will call his mom tomorrow. Thanks for sticking to your guns, guys. I probably would have given him the benefit of the doubt forever.