MelodyLane is right. I know you don't like it but what you're describing is torture. I know because I lived it for almost nine months before the separation occurred. It was awful. I watched her go out and sleep around and then come home to tell me about it like I would like to know. I saw her every day, I pretended everything was ok with the kids and every minute of it was pure agony. It was single handedly the worst "year" of my life and delayed not only the divorce but my healing. Like pulling a bandaid off a hairy leg one millimeter at a time, kwim?

You don't think you can financially do anything different, I get it. But I didn't think I would be ok financially either when I moved out here to St Louis. Things have a way of working out... you just need to take a step. There are always options even if it feels like there are none anywhere. Hang in there and don't leave MB ok? Everyone is here for you, even if it doesn't feel that way.

Travis

I do not believe he is dating. I do not care. He is very passive aggressive and wanted advice on dealing with that and a place for advice & support.

I care about getting my son to college, daughter through HS and dealing successfully with her depression and salvaging my finances so in 2 years I can move on independently and self sufficient.

I understand the principles of Harley 's plan for D but sometimes circumstances dictate different measures.

Thanks for your replies.

I 'll hang out for a bit and see if anyone else who may have "successfully " survived SBLT (separated but living together) .

LLMB (long live marriage builders)

This is not about a "Harley principle" but about what happens to women emotionally and physically when they remain in such situations. You can reject MB principles all you want, but you won't be able to protect yourself from harm living in such a situation. Women have nervous breakdowns from living like this.

Your circumstances can't alter reality. What is best for your kids is to have a mother who is not in the nuthouse. If their father is wayward, you are all they have.

Frags, there's probably a reason few people survive the situation you are describing. Dr. Harley has seen thousands of marriages and would never advise this situation. Does that count for anything? His advice would be: get out.

Ok but reality is all there is....I cannot move out. Neither can he. My financial life is wrapped up in our marital life right now.

Point taken by all...if you cannot follow the plan to a T, get lost...

That is not what anyone here has said.

I would use some creative thinking and find a way to move out. This is not healthy for you or your kids and anyone who would help you stay in a sick, dysfunctional situation is not your friend.

Nobody told you to get lost, Frags. That was your idea. And rather disrespectful to nice people trying to help you.

Can't he be made legally accountable for your welfare during separation?

Would you like help preparing for Plan B?
How To Plan B Properly?

I think you misunderstand, people are concerned about your emotional wellbeing, they actually want the best for you. You are going towards a path of hell, with emotional detriments for you and your daughter. They are just trying to show you that to come out better, it will be best to leave.

People do live together during the divorce process. It happens. Not so bad if it is a quick divorce (takes less than a year from start to finish).

My WXH would not let me move out after I filed and I spent a year sleeping in a locked child's bedroom with him often banging on the door and yelling and screaming that I was 'his wife' in the middle of the night. Wow did I really survive that? My son was living at home at the time and my two daughters were at university so around from time to time. Traumatic as it was for me, it was far worse for them.

Eventually I was able to negotiate to take part of the flat for my exclusive use but even this was problematic as he would stalk me by waiting outside my door.

As the divorce itself took over four years (he fought every inch of the way), I was lucky that I am a very strong and grounded person. The damage was mainly to my children.

As others have said, don't do this. It will not protect your fragile daughter and could push you over the edge. File now. Get it done.

One more thing which is obvious but still worth stating; if you are delaying filing for divorce to get your finances in better shape, remember that everything is marital until the filing date so any savings you create before you start the divorce process will be divided between you and any income you create will be taken into consideration when the court looks at maintenance/child support.

If you have to do it, Frags, I would take massive amounts of booze and spike it with some narcotics.

I remember one board member who tried to do this during his divorce, and his wife actually took a hachet and removed his door from the hinges because he had locked her out. She harrassed him each and every day. He left the next day.

No one has to live together during a divorce.

LOL. My wife kicked in the bedroom door. She didn't use a hatchet. But she broke the door.

There can be strategic reasons for living together during divorce. I would ask your attorney.
In my case, I stayed in the house and was PLAN A sweet and loving. It drove my wife crazy. She would yell and scream at me, tell me I was evil, that she hates me, that she will ruin me..... And I would offer her a cup of coffee in return.

But it was miserable. I did go to my doctor and she prescribed anti anxiety pills. I would encourage you to do the same

I rarely post, but this thread hits close to home for me.

I too was on this board many years ago (14) and endured two separations in two years (insincere reconciliation on my H's part after his infidelity). The second separation required a restraining order on my part, and my H (STBX) found inexpensive housing (a room) nearby. My younger son, who was 12 at the time, begged me to reconcile - again - and I caved in. We muddled through the next twelve years growing more and more distant, though the infidelity and abuse were "modified." (He used porn instead of another woman and stuck to emotional abuse).

Fast forward to last summer. My youngest son had moved out and was beginning his career. My mother had just died and I was free of my obligation to her. I asked for a divorce and insisted he move out. For good. He didn't - even though we had the resources. Found a new girlfriend within a week, and she was sending him "home" with baked goods that he expected me to keep in the fridge for him. This went on for three months, during which time he dated several other women. I reached my breaking point one night and punched him in the eye. He finally moved out!!

So here are my points: 1) Abusive behavior begets abusive behavior - which is awful for your 16 year old to have to witness. Even if the abuse is passive aggressive. YOUR behavior could become aggressive, as mine did. 2) A man who has cheated once knows how to find a new partner - quickly. Especially with internet dating. There are plenty of divorced women out there who seem willing to do anything to ease their loneliness - including free room and board (and extras). My STBX lived rent free with one woman for three months, while having a full fledged affair with another. Lack of funds may not be the obstacle you think it is! But seriously, in this economy there might be another separated or divorced man who would consider sharing his house with your husband. If he's the one who wants the house post divorce, he might be willing to sacrifice short term. 3) I know of one woman who did live together with her stbx for a year - more or less peacefully - but there hadn't been abuse in the marriage. Infidelity is abuse, even if it's in the past. You have been traumatized by it and should not put yourself in a situation of continued torture for two more years.

Don't know if this helps - but this site is very active, as you know and full of well meaning (though direct) folks. Stay here a bit longer..

So are you saying that you have resigned yourself to being tied together in misery for life because it's more economically feasible?

Patient, this is a great post. You need to come out of hiding more often.

Thanks for everyone�s replies. I apologize for the �get lost� post� I know everyone is trying to help and it was disrespectful. It was a drama-queen post!!

I will try to explain in more detail this situation.
STXH is not cheating or dating. He is not violent. Most days are fine here. We communicate about finances, parenting and scheduling of the kid�s activities, appts. etc.

The bottom line is we are pretty deep in debt and there is NO MONEY to move out. He couldn�t afford to pay me alimony/child support. We are in agreement about the divorce.

Of course there are days that are tense due to debts, getting a child to college, dealing with DD and her depression issues. We have arguments like any other couple. There is no screaming, ranting, or violence involved. I don�t believe either one of us will be taking an axe to a locked door!! In fact, I sleep with my BR door open! I do not feel unsafe or threatened in any way.

He can be passive aggressive with annoying behaviors but I feel as an adult, I should be able to handle this. I am starting anti-depressants (history of depression) and have an intake appt with a therapist today.

We are choosing to divorce for multiple reasons. I want to move back home when DD graduates; he refuses to leave this house here. I do not like the person he is (and I am sure he isn�t thrilled with me.) Ten years ago he dropped weight, bulked up, shaved his head and I swear his personality changed. Mutual friends and family even noticed it. On my part, I really, really tried to forgive and get over the affair. Slapped a smile on my face, went through counseling, etc but deep down inside the trust was gone and I don�t believe I can ever truly trust him again. I will not continue to live in a marriage like that. And we are where we are because of his affair and I am dealing with resentment which is the #1 thing I need to deal with in therapy. We both deserve to be happy.

I have no family within 135 miles of here to help me i.e. temporary housing, etc. I cannot move back home because my DD has two years of HS left and I will NOT leave her or put her in a school in my old hometown � bad school system!

So�I have two years to help clean up the debt mess, get my kids on their roads to their futures and make plans to return home. Just looking for some support in this endeavor. Thanks for listening

You don't have to live in a loveless marriage.
But his affair has ended.
Can you think of any reason to work towards a loving marriage?

Why not at least try to create a loving relationship with the father of your children?
If you were both willing to commit to the marriage builder program you would fall in love with each other.

I'm attempting to not live in a loveless marriage, which is why we are separated.

I really can't think of a reason to work towards recovering the marriage at this point. I feel I never really got the truth about his affair, hence the continued distrust. If he won't come clean after five hard years of counseling and recovery why would he now? My feelings are that I should have left nine years ago after the affair, but I was shell shocked and scared - kids were only 7 and 9.

For my part, I am thinking I am the type who can't recover from infidelity. Right or wrong, that's not fair for him to live with someone who can't move past a mistake or truly trust again.

His personality is one who makes compromises with what is the right or wrong thing to do in certain situations to suit his needs...big and small. I don't trust or respect a person like that.

And if we work towards recovering the marriage, what happens in two years time when I want to move home to be with my oldest DD and grandkids and he refuses (which is his position)?? Long distance marriage?..thanks but no thanks.

We still try do things together with the kids - before they are grown and out of the nest!

I hate the fact that my marriage is a failure. I know we both contributed to the demise but I am out of motivation to try again.