My situation is not unlike yours, so I can tell you what I have been thinking for what it is worth.

Affairs are addictions. If you step back from the personal affront and look at it as an addiction, then ask yourself how can support your recovering addicted spouse, I think there is a lot you can do that shows Christ-like love. Watching out for your FWW and keeping her from a repeat affair is one of those things. It is not so much that you are looking over "your" shoulder as you are looking over "our" shoulder.

On the matter of long term trust - is there a BS that doesn't experience this? My wife and I are 14 months into R. My wife now reports to me that she has trouble coming to grips with her capacity to do what she did. I want to trust her, but I feel a responsibility not to. And it is not that I just distrust my wife; I seem to distrust *everything*. It was a revelation to me when I realized that I was even distrusting God.

The way Dr. Harley put it on the radio program a couple of weeks ago works for me - trust but verify. Blind trust was always an illusion. Vigilant trust is what we owe each other as a married couple.

Yes, I now question and distrust most everthing as well. Maybe I was too trusting in the past to a fault. Trust but verify is my moto too. Just exhausting....

Hi, 20year,

Your wife is posting today, and seems to be wanting to take great care of you. You are one lucky guy.

I thought I'd repeat for you some of what I posted to her. She asked what she can be doing for you to heal, and I gave this Marriage Builders advice:


1) Don't fight (don't be demanding, disrespectful, or angry). Avoid fights like they were nuclear warfare. Because they are.

2) Read what Dr. Harley has to say in His Needs Her Needs about the friends and enemies of good conversation. Practice the friends and avoid the enemies. One of the enemies is dwelling on the mistakes of the past or present.

3) Most important:
SPEND FIFTEEN HOURS A WEEK, WITHOUT AWAKE CHILDREN, BEFORE ELEVEN P.M., GIVING EACH OTHER YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION AND MEETING THE INTIMATE EMOTIONAL NEEDS: RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP, INTIMATE CONVERSATION, AFFECTION, AND SEXUAL FULFILLMENT. Spend 25-30 hours if either one of you is unhappy. Schedule recreational activities during which you can engage in enjoyable conversation the whole time, and practice those friends of good conversation.

Something you should be aware of is that no matter who is unfaithful, Dr. Harley often says there's a bit more of a burden on the husband in recovery. It's extremely hard for wives to be "pump primers," so you want to make sure you are meeting her emotional needs well and protecting her from love busters.

Remember, Just Compensation isn't supposed to hurt.

Dr. Harley also says to make sure that you don't become demanding, disrespectful, or angry (love busters) if your spouse breaks the rules. There will be a lot of learning for awhile, and it is easy to go back to old habits. When that happens, be sure to stay calm, and don't allow love busters to happen.

Something that a lot of people miss is that love busters have to be ELIMINATED. Not just reduced or mostly avoided.

Very important point. If you have some lingering Love Busters, that leak of Love Units may yet cost you your marriage.

Speaking from experience; my wife has one Independent Behavior that she's completely unwilling to change, and which Dr. Harley has advised me personally not to attempt to renegotiate (related to choice of religion). Pokes a hole in the Love Bank every week & every activity. Takes a lot of effort from her to make up for it, and if she's not feeling up to the task, I fall out of love with her pretty quickly. We remind one another and end up eventually spending the time together to get it back, but it's much better to be in love ALL of the time than SOME of the time!

Yes, she is putting forth the right effort in the right places to help me/us heal. She has taken the wheel of our R and is steering the ship, which shows me her heart is in the right place.

Lucky? Not sure about that. Lucky to be in this situation? No. Lucky that I have a FWW willing to do her best to make things right? Not sure there is a lot to feel Lucky for when healing from an A and FR. When I look back years from now, I think that word might enter my vocabulary. Grateful is a more appropriate word for me at this time.

MB has taught me how to define all the destructive attributes I once had and how to avoid them. I was the king of LB�s. I am a work in progress in this area. Some days/times the hurt will jump to the surface when I get triggered. Most of the time, I walk away trying to gather my thoughts without snapping at her. Sometimes it spills out.

Over the last 2-3 weeks, much of my focus has been centered on letting go of the past by not allowing any discussions about the A to enter into conversation. Focusing on the present.
I have struggled with moments when emotion floods me. Dr. Harley�s words of encouragement to say �I am having a down moment at this time� vs. �The pain of the betrayal is sweeping over me right now� has been a struggle for me when really trying to incorporate RA. However, I am getting much better at this.

UA has been somewhat of a struggle for me. Not her, she prompts UA every night. Some days I just am not into it. You know? My mind tells me to do it and it is the right thing to do. It is the most important aspect of R. However, stupid emotions get in the way.

I am an honest person with both myself and with others. If there is a problem with something or someone in my life, I address it head on.

It isn�t in my DNA to smile at someone and act like nothing is wrong when indeed there is a problem. Guess you could call me the polar opposite of �two-faced�.

So, when it comes to UA time, if I am struggling with a trigger, thought, memory etc�I am less enthusiastic to spend UA time with her.

She tells me she has never been happier in our marriage. She tells me she has never loved me more.

Although we have much to work through in our R, in many ways I feel the same (not withstanding the fallout of the A). The A aside (which is difficult to separate), with MB help, we have identified and mainly solved our M problems pre-affair.

I do love her. However, I have had a difficult time falling in-love with her again. Her LB account was so far in the red when I discovered the FR, much has to be done to reclaim the in-love feeling I once had for her.

I do know UA time is the key here. We are very compatible and really enjoy doing the same things. We always have. I know what her top EN�s are and do my best to meet them.

Our 15yr anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. Very conflicted about celebrating it. On one hand, it is a celebration of our lives together. On the other�.well let�s just say my heart is very heavy realizing a portion of these years were a lie.

Also, I am not reading her thread. Really, I don't have much desire to do so.

The actions are there and I appreciate you guiding her. The results are showing.

Thank you.

Excellent advice. Noted and taken to heart.

I hear you 20year. It took me a really long time to learn that UA time was the best way to draw me out of the low times. I had to force myself to turn "towards" FWH and not away. Sometimes all it took was a drink together out on the deck.

I found myself just left to stew when I turned away.

Who's the WW?

She is posting under: clearmind

Dr. Harley strongly suggests that you schedule this time. Get a babysitter, make a date, and get out of the house. You will be much less likely to skip it, and you will also have more energy, which means that both of you will be more fun to be around (i.e., deposit more love units).

I'm glad Brainy posted this, 20. I fear you are lagging on your UA time. You understand the importance of it, you know your recovery depends on it, but you can't...quite...commit to it.

Your anniversary is coming up. Go somewhere great with your wife. Have a wonderful weekend, just the two of you - like it was before the kids. Your kids will survive quite nicely with Grandpa and Grandma for less than 72 hours, and you will have a wonderful memory to help your recovery. AND your kids will get the benefit of seeing a healthy family structure: parents first, kids second. When you make the kids your first priority you weaken the family structure and everyone suffers. You don't want that.

Go for walks, visit a museum, eat really good food, talk about anything other than the kids. This weekend should be all about you and your wife. Talk about things you want to do in the future. Dream about beach vacations. What country would you like to visit, and why? What recreational activity have you always wanted to try? Discuss that. Hobbies you'd like to take up? Talk about them. Talk about places you'd like to visit.

Don't talk about bills or any of the mundane 'life' things you deal with every day. Make this a magical escape. Remember what you did when you were dating and DO THAT. Actively plan this weekend with your wife: where will you go? Where will you stay? What do you want to do while you're there?

20, I am a betrayed wife, and this is one of the things we did during recovery. I can't tell you how much fun it was just planning it - and the weekend remains one of my fondest memories.

I know clearmind committed a horrible act that has damaged your marriage, but don't refuse the chance to help heal your union. It may well be one of the most rewarding things you will do for yourself.

This is from one of your posts in February: Do your part, 20. Be an active participant in your healing. UA time is like exercising a muscle: do it and build the muscle (the strength of your family.) Blow off the exercise and the muscle turns to fat and is useless for the body (your family).

We are lagging on UA time. Over the last month or so we have been somewhere between 10-15/hrs week. Not enough.

What an up and down weekend. So Friday night we had date night scheduled to go out to a new restaurant we had never been to. W met up with my mom after work to drop off the kids to spend night with grandma. So far so good.

All day long on Friday, it seemed like tension was building in me. By the time she got back from dropping off the kids, I felt like I was going to explode. Not it a mean, AO sort of way, more in an overwhelmed sense. Sometimes without warning, I just feel like everything is so bottled up inside of me. So, I was in no mood at all to go out to dinner.

We sat in the family room for over an hour while I shared with her my current state of mind. She patiently listened to where I was at while all the time she was being understanding and encouraging.

I shared with her how this experience has changed me internally.

While the A and FR was active, I knew something was pulling her away and wasn�t able to put my finger on it until dday. At times I felt like I was going out of my mind because she kept saying nothing was going on blah blah blah. Anyway, I am still trying to get my sense of �me� back at this stage.

Determining what is reality and what isn�t has become a real challenge for me at 7mo�s into R.

After an hour of talking and getting things off my chest, we had a wonderful evening with dinner and drinks.

All was going well on Saturday until I got triggered and there I was again�downhill for another 3 hours�Then BACK up on Sunday at the State Fair with the family having a great time.

Up, down, up, down.

Yep, the roller coaster is a dizzying and sickening ride for both BS and FWS.

The thing is, as you mentioned a couple of pages back in your thread, talking about the A is never useful. It's like reminiscing, only it has the opposite effect. Reminiscing over great times makes us feel happy as we relive those times together. Reminiscing about the horror of the adultery feels...horrible. Your wife can't do anything to change that past. Talking about the A brings the past into the present.

I eventually had to start using the Friends and Enemies of Conversation worksheet from the Five Steps workbook. Every single day I had to work hard internally NOT to bring up the mistakes of the past and to talk about other things instead that were pleasant and enjoyable for both of us. It's really really hard to do that, but we found that talking about the A simply never brought us any further along in our path to recovery. It made us both feel miserable.

You say that it's not in your DNA to accomplish this, that it's being two-faced. It's not in our DNA to much of anything very nice. It's in our DNA to lie, make selfish demands, commit adultery and all kinds of other bad things that make us feel great (in the short term) while hurting others. To be decent people who are good marital partners, we have to work at not submitting to our DNA.

Those UA hours need to be the best times of your week, something you both look forward to. Do fun things together, exercise together, use the friends of conversation to make it pleasant for both of you.

This takes an hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute commitment. Your FWW can never do anything to change her past, but you can both make the present enjoyable and protect your futures by practicing the EPs for life and by building a romantic passionate marriage.

We're a year and a half past D-Day and my H has worked very hard at rebuilding what he destroyed with his adultery. I've worked hard, too, at making sure I am the person he enjoys most. A good part of that is not talking the A anymore, because he CAN'T change the past.

20years. I could have written your last post myself. They say at about 6 months into recovery the resentment kicks in. Right about the time you start to feel safe and see that WS "gets" it. That's when the shock wears off and reality kicks in. I think it was the most intense anger I have ever felt in my life. It would just hit from out of the blue for no reason.


You probably think that maybe something is wrong with you because you are still struggling. Nope. You are normal.


There are a range of emotions that you will need to work through...it is a process. Just keep following the MB Plan and your anger and grief will get less and less.

Be patient with yourself 20years. You are doing great.

Thank you for the validation re; this is normal.

This new �normal� continues to a massive life adjustment. I don�t know what it is to feel �normal�. You know; security, low stress, peace, feeling alive.

Logic says to keep doing what we are doing and let MB with time heal our relationship. I couldn�t ask for a more remorseful W. She really is a different person now. I can see it in her. The way she is growing in learning how to communicate her thoughts and feelings, depth of her character, commitment to R, overall demeanor and attitude.

The magic comes between 15 and 16.

Be sure not to count time if it's unenjoyable for one or both of you.

Dr. Harley's UA time worksheet has a column for each of you to fill in how many hours of UA time you actually got. So, if you spent 3 hours together, and you had a great time the whole 3, but she didn't enjoy the last hour for some reason, you should put down 3, and she should put down 2. Then to count for the week, you take the LOWER number that each of you put down. The lower numbers for each day have to total 15 for the magic to happen.

Be sure to make it enjoyable for her, so she will feel motivated to do it. I know that sucks, as the betrayed husband, but there really is a big burden on you to win, establish, and maintain her feeling of bondedness. To do that you have got to follow the program, you have got to follow the rules. Friends and enemies of intimate conversation; those are your keys.

Remember that just compensation isn't supposed to hurt. Talking endlessly about the bad stuff is not going to help recovery. Sometimes you have to go practice doing something you don't feel like doing until it becomes second nature and comfortable. Along the way, possibly without realizing it, you recover.