Bewildered, bless your heart, honey You've been through a war. Treat yourself to anything that will comfort you tonight.

Take a breath. We'll be here to help you when you're ready, but I am concerned that you are overwhelmed right now.

hi bewildered. i just popped in to commend you on a job well done. so often BWs are in so much pain they dilly-dally around, allowing the a to become entrenched. you went straight ahead quite quickly to a poly, so now you know the truth about your life - well done! plus, you are getting going with exposure; good on you!

i know you are hurting and anxious and angry. it will take time for you to absorb what you have learned and to consider what you want to do for your future. make sure that when you expose you ask for help in ending the a/keeping the a dead, and support for your M. remember that the goal of exposure is two-fold: to kill the a and to create accountability.

please, go eat something, whatever you can keep down, whether it's a slice of toast and/or some applesauce. make sure you rest. you have been in a battle, and you need to keep your strength up so that you can continue on.

well done, bewildered. keep up the good fight, and get that NC letter done and out of the way. (keep in mind that he writes it in his handwriting, you approve and send.)

I don't know how to channel all my anger.

I am confused on what I should be doing at this time.

If I understand correctly I should be trying to meet his needs but at this point I just can't even look at him..let alone touch him. I am sleeping in a different room.

We had a fight this morning...I know it is not productive. If I express my pain, he will acknowlege it but then chimes in with how much pain I have caused him over the years. How much pain he is in over having to expose this to his children and parents..the disgrace and shame. I honestly don't have much empathy right now for him. I am just trying to maintain my sanity.

I sent expose letter to her in-laws today..I don't think it matters but more of an F you from me.

I will try to schedule STD screen today...just taking care of business

Please provide direction..I need a compass.

Have you read this entire thread?
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Thanks...would you approach it the same if the affair has ended?

I know PA/SF are top needs..how am I suppose to do that when I just can't bear for him to touch me right now..its too painful. I don't think I can allow myself to be that vulnerable at this point esp. with the way last week played out. I know I would be thinking about them..did he do this/that with her. How do you stop those demons?

I know it's hard, but Dr. Harley says if you follow the program it will get easier.

Requirements for Recovery

Did he write a NC letter? Has he put EPs in place? HAs he given you Just compensation? Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?
An excellent radio clip on just compensation.

Radio Clip on Just Compensation at 5:15 mark

He has not done NC letter yet (I requested that he do that today) nor have we done formal EP but will this weekend. Have had lots of discussions of boundries and being very transparent. We haven't not been communicating much after this weekends discovery..after telling kids/parents we just were done.

I think the fantasy of her is fading..he is seeing she used him essentially to make herself feel better when her boyfriend dumped her. He recognizes what a fool he was.

Since I found out so much this weekend from poly I am still in that info gathering stage. I emailed him a request for detail information..I just need to know and he understands that.

I am getting STD screen tomorrow..I told him he must do same before I would even consider the idea of SF. Struggling with the idea of that.

Question?? When we are communicating I am trying to be as open and honest as I can be. I am conflicted in that I am using keylogger and still have VA recorder in car that he is not aware of. I have been monitoring for over a month and have not seen anything plus he past NC on Poly . Communication was phone - which number is changed. The VA recorder is honestly me trying to get in his head..knowing what he is saying to other people..obsessing. Do I tell him about keylogger etc.??

No, you DO NOT tell him about any snooping techniques you use to monitor him. You need this for your own healing. DO you have passwords to everything and access to ALL accounts, etc?

He deactivated FB, I have password to email, he leaves his phone available now, I handle all financial accounts and have shared phone bill so yeah.. I think I am covered.

So..you never tell of snooping? Are WS ever upset when they find out you have been snooping on them for extended period of time..even when in recovery and BS is expecting transparency?

When I am away from him I miss him and am eager to reconcile..as I get closer to home the anger and sadness hit and I can't hardly speak to him.

No. You never tell them of your methods. If your wayward becomes upset to uncover any of your snooping, consider that a red flag that he is still hiding things from you. A remorseful wayward won't care about your snooping.

I told my FWH that I would do whatever it took to make sure our marriage was safe. He has never questioned what I do. He knows that, even now, three years later, I may still have snooping tools in place. He couldn't care less. He no longer has anything to hide.

NOTE: He should not deactivate his FB account, he should CANCEL it. That's a different procedure that takes two weeks. Do you understand that? Deactivating an account takes a few minutes to do, and a few minutes to UNdo. He needs to cancel his account and be off FaceBook FOR LIFE.

To those who are in recovery I have a questions regarding information. I have sent my husband a list of questions regarding his most recent EA/SA..I am requesting all the gory details.

Question: I know everyone wants all the details but in the end it is a good idea to ask this information? Will it help me heal or will all the details just cause more pain and not be productive.

Thanks.

That's entirely up to you. I had to know every gory detail. You may want to know less. Ask every question you feel you need to ask. Get it out so that you can put that behind you.

You may not like what you hear. Again, that's entirely up to you. In my sitch, there is no way I could have recovered my marriage without complete information about the affair. Why? I don't know. I just know I HAD to know.

I hate this question, but certainly understand it. You get all the info you feel you need to heal. But think about this long and hard, because there are some bells that can't be un-rung, and this is one of them. Once you get this info (and the accompanying images your head) there's no going back from it. It's up to you how much you feel you need to know.

Just keep that bell in mind.

I didn't want to highjack kimono's thread with my reply to your question.

"Trust but verify" is part of Dr Harley's recommendation for protecting one's marriage. It means that H must account for his time and whereabouts. And I check to make sure it's actually happening the way he says it is.

It means I still check his email periodically when I feel like it. I don't make a deal of it; I just log in to his account and look around. He knows I do this, but he doesn't know when. He doesn't defend his "privacy" anymore; in fact, he welcomes me to look, because he can show me that he's not up to anything.

Basically, his life (and mine, too) is an open book and I check it every so often to make sure he is still following all the extraordinary precautions.

He doesn't feel like he's in jail, and I don't feel like a parole officer. The more that time has passed, the more this open book thing has become a habit.

Many people secretly put a keylogger on the computer; we haven't done that at this point, but I do check his laptop periodically and can also check his work email remotely. But if I ever chose to install a keylogger, I would feel just fine doing it. This protects me, AND it protects H from doing something really stupid and destructive to destroy his own life again.