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What she did was very bad, and if I'm being truthful my mind still tells me that there is more, but when i think of all we've got and have been through together i realise that this web site is not for us.Okay, friend, good luck in your future together with your wife. (Aside to mods: We need a "speechless" emoticon.) ****from JustUss******** Searching now for that emoticon... Closest I can come up with is.. 
Last edited by JustUss; 08/06/12 07:24 PM. Reason: comment
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Runnerbean,
my wife is not a liar or cheat or fraudster,
That's one of the most stunning realizations I made when I came here on MB, for the most part I would have said and still say that about my W. But affairs make good people do bad things. I do hope you recognize that affairs are addictions and do not follow the logic or rationality of our normal controlled activities.
Note it is safe to come back here if you need to, people here don't gloat.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 08/06/12 12:13 PM.
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alis, i promise i am not getting angry,i genuinely want to thank everyone for their input,but unfortunately it's not been to uplifting
i acknowledge that i shared my story which in turn gave people the right to give there opinions, for which may i repeat i am very grateful
I'm not trying to sugar coat anything,if you could see the inward battle I'm fighting you would consider your words more wisely,but like you reminded me,you guys can only go on what you've read in previous posts..
Peace all.
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or done any good in search for help that I've asked for
Matt Wasn't this what you "asked for"? do any of you have any advice please as I'm still a bit hurt and confused I see lots of good advice here. Its just not what you wanted to hear so you shift the blame to those trying to help you. Good luck with your "do nothing" approach to recovery.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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Runnerbean, in a sense you are right, if you are looking for an uplifting experience, that is not a given here at the start. What is rewarded is ACTION. The uplifting experience then comes as a result of the action you have taken and you start to see it working. Here you will be supported in taking action that has a long track record of working. Read some of the longer threads containing peoples' journeys and you can see this taking place.
One big difference between MB and other counselling programmes ( and for example I would include "Relate" in the UK as one of the others - highly incompatible with MB) is the idea that feelings should follow action - rather than drive it. So right now, the emphasis on helping you is all about action.
We do feel for your situation, however, love-bombing you is not what is going to fix the situation right now.
SO the uplifting with mb comes later once the correct action has been taken.
Of course there are other ways to keep your mood up as well, and it is a good idea to utilise those as well while you are going through this. But taking steps to gain control of your situation, such as MB is a very powerful one.
Good luck.
"In times of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act" - George Orwell.
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Please don't think I'm being rude or ungrateful to any of your views or advice, but none of anything I've read has been of any use to me at all, I'm really sorry for all of you on here that have had to experience the hurt and heart ache that accompanies affairs and cheating,and i do thank you for the time you've taken to reply to my post, but it's like a brood of vipers on here, nothing I've read has lifted me, or done any good in search for help that I've asked for This is a man who is very much in a deep denial. The "brood of vipers" are the ones who lied and committed and adultery, not we volunteers who are trying ernestly to help you save your marriage. We have a saying around here about posters like you: you are shooting at the rescue helicopters. Good luck, you will need it!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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One of the most difficult realizations a person can make is when they learn their spouse isn't who you thought they were. Your whole world comes crashing down around you.
When I learned of my W's adultery, it took time for the realization to become real enough to put a plan together. I defended her to others initially before the truth sank in.
No one wants to believe that someone you trust and love could do anything so destructive.
My friend, if you have spent any time on this board you will realize the good people here do care. They want to help. And they do!
Without MB and this board, I believe my M would be over.
No one is spewing venom. They are speaking truth. I hope you realize this.
I thought my situation was unique. I thought my story was different. Guess what? It wasn't.
I hope you stick around and give this a chance. The points that make you most uncomfortable are the ones that probably hit the bone.
Listen to the vets. They know what they are talking about.
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RB,
I feel it is my duty to intervene here, as I sort felt the same way when I first got here.
But I must be honest with you: it's tough love, and the program works!!!
God, was I in denial...and SO angry at these posters -- who were THEY to tell ME about my situation, ya know?
But you know what? A few things:
1. from their experiences, personal experiences, they know what they're talking about (just look at some of their registeration dates -- 2000, 2004, 2007, etc). And yet they stick around for others...
2. after I stepped back, I realized these guys -- ON THEIR OWN TIME, AND WITH NO COMPENSATION -- were giving me advice, posting to me all hours of the night, checking in on me...CONCERNED for ME, my CHILDREN....and 'all hands on deck' to help me save my MARRIAGE. All without knowing me or my wife.
3. lastly -- the MB program WORKS. Period.
Stay here and learn.
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What I don't understand is why someone would post on an infidelity forum, having found pictures of another man's penis on his wife's phone, and having had a confession of some degree of sexual involvement, and still not believing that he has been told the full truth...
...why he would post asking for help with a story he finds hard to believe and then call the people who replied with obvious common-sense "a nest of vipers".
Someone here is two sandwiches short of a picnic.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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RB,
I feel it is my duty to intervene here, as I sort felt the same way when I first got here.
But I must be honest with you: it's tough love, and the program works!!!
God, was I in denial...and SO angry at these posters -- who were THEY to tell ME about my situation, ya know? This I just don't get. You came here troubled after your wife's two-month affair. YOU came here. Nobody intervened in your life and told you about your situation. You told us about your situation and asked for advice. What kind of advice were you looking for? What would have been acceptable to you? What's to get angry about when you go to a forum and ask for advice, and get advice?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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But I must be honest with you: it's tough love, and the program works!!! But when did this poster get any "tough" advice or words? If you read his thread up to the point where he made that vicious attack on us, not a single word of it could have been described as "tough". He expressed grave misgivings about the story he was told. He was advised to get a polygraph and STD testing, and he was also reminded of Dr Harley's steps to recovery (NC for life, transparency etc). ML pointed out that she did not believe the story of no intercourse any more than the poster did, but that was immaterial. The poster was asked a few questions about OM and the best friend who covered for the affair. And for THAT posters were called "a nest of vipers" and told they had not helped at all. And you call their posts "tough love". I am aghast.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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alis, i promise i am not getting angry,i genuinely want to thank everyone for their input,but unfortunately it's not been to uplifting
i acknowledge that i shared my story which in turn gave people the right to give there opinions, for which may i repeat i am very grateful
I'm not trying to sugar coat anything,if you could see the inward battle I'm fighting you would consider your words more wisely,but like you reminded me,you guys can only go on what you've read in previous posts..
Peace all.
Since you weren't all that interested in hearing from people who have experienced betrayal at the hands of their spouses, how about a word from a guy who knows a thing or two about wayward wives from the other side? You see, I was once a married woman's "other man." (And before you go off half-cocked, let me add that you won't need to read very many of my 1,243 posts to see that I'm not one iota proud of that, but rather quite the opposite of proud.) But I do know one thing above all about any & all wayward spouses, and that is one thing which you must first grasp above all others:
They lie.
Even if they've never lied before.
Even if they've been married for a decade or more.
I was such a liar. I was with just such a liar. I know.
Exposure, and ending the affair might give you a fighting chance to save your marriage. Wishful thinking will not. You may wish to consider.
P.S. -- There is actually a lot that's uplifting that many people here could also share with you from experience about recovering a marriage and making it better than it was before an affair. However, none of that good stuff can happen unless the affair is ended properly and honesty & transparency are established. And my friend, you are not yet at that stage.
Last edited by GloveOil; 08/06/12 07:05 PM. Reason: added P.S.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Apparently the poster wanted some cute and soft words and we thought he came here to save his marriage. Oh well..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If someone wants cute soft words, all they have to do is ask. Something like this:
"Dear nest of vipers,
I found pictures of a man's penis on my wife's phone. She first told me it was someone else's boyfriend and told me to ask the friend about it. She later said it was an old school friend, then finally, after much questioning and pressure from me, admitted to meeting him and indulging in mutual masturbation.
I had a hard time believing this story and so I contacted the man and he gave the same version of events.
Now I want to put all this aside and move on with my marriage. Please support me in doing this. Please do not challenge my wife's version of the events or suggest any steps that I need to take to ensure that the affair is dead and cannot be revived. I am seeking help ONLY in the form of loving words and comforting reassurance that all is and will be well. Anyone with any other kind of advice should not reply to this thread."
Easy.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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1. i went through her e mails and to my horror found a picture of a naked man exposing all of himself minus his face, the horror and fear was an experience I've never had to face before
2.my wife later confessed that she had met this old school friend through her work, and decided to meet up just for a chat,
she has promised me that they didn't have sex,
but did say that they kissed-Females-Don't ever let this guy kiss you as the result is his hands will automatically go into your knickers....I'm sure he has no control over them
which resulted in his hands going into my wife's knickers and without being to graphic ( he well you know what I'm saying) and unfortunately
she did the same with her hands in his underwear, Is this the result your WW usually has when she kisses a man who is not her husband?
she has told me that after a couple of minutes they both realized they were make a terrible mistake and both stopped this
SEX action, she even told me that she swore and said she had a husband at home who would crawl over broken glass for her
a few days after this event she received this picture to her phone and assured me that she had deleted it instantly and told this man that the whole thing was a terrible mistake
I've even managed to track down this man and speak to him about this event, his account more or less matches up with my wife's,
Good thing they got their stories together....About this not being a sexual encounter
i really want to believe her and if I'm being honest i tried to catch this man out by being sneaky with my questions, but his account remained the same throughout the meeting
Here is RB's original question
all i want to do now is move on with our marriage and really believe my wife's account, do any of you have any advice please as I'm still a bit hurt and confused If you want to move on just keep your head in the sand. Trouble is when you pull your head out it will still be there...... DENIAL BROTHER. Full Blown denial. nESRE
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Sugar,
I'm sorry if my post was confusing -- this is what I get for trying to jump in while in the middle of cooking dinner!
What I meant to imply is that runnerbean can't come here looking for advice, and get upset when the vets give him 'tough love' -- by that, I meant telling the truth about his situation, but in his denial he probably feels that posters are being tough, rough on him.
In reality, they care enough to tell him the truth, and help get him on the correct path.
I didn't mean to upset you with my confusing post; on the contrary, I want runnerbean to know everyone here has his best interests at heart -- and he needs to LISTEN to what they say.
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Sugar,
I'm sorry if my post was confusing -- this is what I get for trying to jump in while in the middle of cooking dinner!
What I meant to imply is that runnerbean can't come here looking for advice, and get upset when the vets give him 'tough love' -- by that, I meant telling the truth about his situation, but in his denial he probably feels that posters are being tough, rough on him.
In reality, they care enough to tell him the truth, and help get him on the correct path.
I didn't mean to upset you with my confusing post; on the contrary, I want runnerbean to know everyone here has his best interests at heart -- and he needs to LISTEN to what they say. Thanks - I appreciate the clarification, hfd.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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HFD
T/J
Good to see you out and about.
I trust life is well for you.
End T/J
RB
You could learn alot from reading HFD's first original posts.
nESRE
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No problem, SugarCane.
I am aghast, as well, that RB is in such denial, and going through the experience myself I sometimes want to reach through the computer and shake some sense into the poster...
He needs to be listening to the vets like you, Pep, MB, Mel, NG, etc.
As always, thank you SC!
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I am seeking help ONLY in the form of loving words and comforting reassurance that all is and will be well. Anyone with any other kind of advice should not reply to this thread." .................the song of fools..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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