Well...it has been about 10 months since I discovered my husband's sexting affair with one of his former classmates. I am having a very hard time getting passed it. He was chatting with her on facebook and of course deleted the facebook right away. I'm not stupid though....there are a million other ways for him to keep in contact with her and I'm sure he will just be much more careful. He insists that he is sorry for what he did and says he is very upset about hurting me so badly but how do I go back into this relationship(I never actually left) and trust him. I feel so jealous, insecure and vulnerable it's pathetic. I will be ok for a while and then something will happen that brings it all back and I feel terrible. This is really beginning to affect everything...i don't know what to do anymore. How do I move on???????

Welcome to MB!!

Have you exposed to both your families? Who knows of the A?

Have you exposed to OWs F&F and especially her BH, if she is married?

Any children? How old?

What has he done to make himself more of an open book? Is he practicing transparency?

It sounds like you've been trying to simply sweep this under the rug and 'move on' for TEN MONTHS!!!! And that simply won't work.

You're in the right place.

If you were stabbed in the chest, and afterwards you felt weak, wary of the knife wielder and not very strong for a while - would that be pathetic....or totally normal?

Don't underestimate the trauma you've been through.



Why is it your job to 'move on'? What is your husband doing to rebuild trust and heal your pain?

Is he just speaking words or is he changing the conditions which led to the A and DOING those actions?

What is his attitude towards your pain like at this stage?

NOBODY knows about the affair. I havent told anyone because I am so humiliated. We have been together for almost 20 years. We were always the couple that people would say..."they have such a good relationship" I thought we did too!!

I think I'm having such a hard time because I don't have anyone to talk to...that's why I am on this forum. I just need to get all the stress off my chest.

He has tried to be more transparent. He no longer has a password on his phone, but, I know he erases stuff all the time. I just don't know what he erases. He is always home, but he was always home before too. All of this mess was happening when we were in the same room for the most part. I guess I just feel like I really thought that everything was ok just to find out he was having these inappropriate convos with me in the same room!!!

Please read all of this.

Exposure 101

PLEASE read the exposure thread. Dr H has decades of experience successfully healing couples from affairs, so they do not just survive - they THRIVE.

If the correct steps are not followed however the marriage is a crippled version of the Pre-A marriage and is even more vulnerable to As.

Dr H says the SINGLE most important FIRST step is Exposure.



That is a nonsensical and panicked reaction. You have broken no vows, you are fighting for your M. Your actions are admirable and you have done nothing humiliating.



You need to download spyware on your Hs phone. That is a HUGE red flag and not transparent at all!

If you find nothing on snooping tools, then you must insist he stop hiding and deleting things as it is very hurtful and keeps your betrayal triggered BUT DO NOT MENTION IT UNTIL YOU HAVE SNOOPED FIRST. Act normal while you snoop.




You will become more and more resentful and will suffer PTSD if you don't get support. All your family and friends should know. It is impossible for you to survive without support.

Your H will get more and more entitled and thoughtless without consequences. He should lose the respect of his F&F as a natural consequence of actions.

If he is truly repentent he will accept this and work hard to heal you and regain peoples respect.

There are many former waywards on these boards who have done an amazing job at that. And have wonderful marriages today because they knew it was THEIR responsibilty to accept family support for their betrayed spouse.

Read the exposure thread carefully and come back here for a step by step exposure plan.

(Do not bring your H here. If he is trustworthy, his reaction to exposure will be a good one. But if he is not, he will stop you)

This is a prime example of the sort of thoughtlessness which occurs when Exposure hasn't happened.

Because of your silence, your H believs his affair is No Big Deal.

An I'm Sorry and he's done.

Exposure would rapidly show him the seriousness of the offence.

His mother, father, siblings and best friends would urge him to take better care of you than this.

Your family would give you hugs! And tell you not to feel humiliated...

Exposure! Its a beautiful thing.

Ok....Exposure is not an option for me. Is there anything else I can do?

Do you want to kill the affair?

Did you read and listen what Dr. Harley says about it?

Have you read this? Carrot and Stick of Plan A

No if you dont expose you arent following the MB Plan.

Dr H says if ANY step is missed out, the marriage won't recover.

And exposure he lists as the VITAL most important step.

Snooping is also quite important as it sounds like your H's affair never ended.

He won't be at all interested in recovery until after exposure.

All waywards are affected by an A in the same way. The guilt changes their moral code from previously good person to a more hardened one.

Only the truth can free them and it typically takes a lot more than that. So Exposure is just the first baby step. If you are too timid for that, you probably won't be tough enough to free him.

So there is no way around it.

Why is it not an option?

Is your pride more important than your marriage?

If you really find it impossible, you will have to struggle on as before until another A restarts or you begin to hate him and decide to chuck him out anyway.

Without Exposure, or a proven to work recovery plan, you should opt to go straight for a divorce because things will only get worse while you both keep secrets from everyone.

Read this thread. I am guessing many of the phrases will be direct quotes that you have heard from your husband about how you should trust him more.

Never Take the Word of a Wayward

How are you getting on with snooping and downloading spyware on his phone?

You are too scared to expose? Are you so afraid of your husband that you're willing to risk NOT recovering the marriage so long as YOU don't rock the boat? Or is it your pride holding you back? If you don't expose, the marriage is surely doomed. Affairs can't continue in the light, they need darkness to thrive, and you are protecting the affair by keeping it dark. You want to aid and abet their affair?

You have nothing to be ashamed of so long as you are fighting for your marriage! Yes he may be mad for a time, it'll pass, some day he may thank you for caring enough to do your best to save your marriage. That won't happen if you let it run it's course on this wayward path. Have you done the reading pointed out to you?

Why is exposure not an option for you? Are you in a backlands foreign country where women are killed for acting out against their husband? I'm not being sarcastic - I'm being serious. Do you feel you will be physically harmed for exposing?

ETA: I chafe when posters say that exposure is not an "option" for them - exposure is the cornerstone of recovery from an affair. It is critical. The only time I will excuse myself from suggesting exposure is when the life of the betrayed spouse is at risk. That is a real possibility in some European/middle Asian countries. Is that your sitch, idk?

Excellent radio clip of Dr. Harley talking about exposure.

Radio clip on Emotional Affairs and Exposure

What about snooping? What are you doing to make sure the A is over and his boundaries are back in place?