I am currently in a relationship with someone that I had an affair with and we both ended our marriages and are together. I have since found out that the past four months he has been having an affair. He came clean about affair only after he was forced to and was still not completely honest. All information has since been revealed. We are in the process of trying to survive and move forward. I do forgive although I do not trust him at all. I have one child and he has two. We are building a house and have talked marriage til now. In the process he has quit drinking which was very heavy at times. The sell of his home was tougher on him than he wanted me to know and he ultimately confided in someone that was a friend. I feel that I am being pushy at times letting him know what I want and need is this wrong and what point do you stop trying??? I love him and want us to have a future is it possible???? He seems sincere and says that he wants things to work.

You're on a forum filled with people whose marriages have been wrecked by actions such as yours - having an affair and breaking up someone's marriage.

Do you have the slightest feeling that it might be inappropriate for you to ask for help with your affair from people whose lives were devastated by people like you?

Twin,

What exactly did you expect from this man? He did the same thing to you that he did to his past wife.

Your current roommate is not having an affair. You are not married. He simply has moved on to someone else he likes. A future with him would be miserable.

Take a look at the information here. Read Dr. Harley's book, "Buyer, Renters, and Freeloaders". You will find both you and your room mate in there. Clean up your own side of the street. And in the future, don't mess up anyone else's marriage/life.

AM

Sugarcane,

Asking a current wayward to be empathetic is like peeing at the moon.

AM

twin,

Almost nobody makes this situation work. The odds are extremely against you. The two of you will have to work like crazy to learn new habits and ways of living. The reason your marriages failed was because you weren't living that way when you were married. It is very common for a man to claim sincerity after he is caught, but still refuse to put the changes into place that are necessary to have a safe marriage afterward. Watch closely and see if HE gets on this board and reads Dr. Harley's dozens of articles about infidelity and what he needs to change.

If HE gets massively, massively involved and you see him reading and doing what is on this site, you might have a chance. I would suggest that he needs to call Dr. Harley on his free radio show, as well. You need to see a complete change of life.

My guess is that you will hear him protest how sincere and sorry he is, but won't see this level of effort, in which case, this relationship is not going to make it. I am sorry.

This is going to be a real problem, because in order to have a good marriage, you will have to both be willing to put the marriage first, before your children. Most people in your situation are not willing to do that, and really, you have to ask yourself, after all that your children have been through with the breakup of their home, do they even deserve that? Don't they deserve to put first, at this point in their lives, after all they have been through?

Here is a radio clip of Dr. Harley talking to a man about how he treats his girlfriend when his son is present. She complains that when his son is around, she doesn't get attention. His response is "I'm still going to be there for my son."

That's the right thing to do for his son, but it's the wrong thing to do for this woman if he wants to have a relationship with her.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2285

This man has proven himself to be unfaithful in two relationships. Is he worth making your children second place for? If not, then it's probably time to move on.

I wasn't asking her to be empathetic. I was calling her a ^@�$ing *&%ty �$&@(e in a polite way that would not get my post zapped.

Mind boggling.

If he couldn't do the right thing for his wife and children, why would he do it for the mistress he's living with?

Or are you still clinging to the belief that this behavior is based on booze and/or stress? And not because he is an unfaithful, dishonest man, with no personal boundaries?

You won the booby prize, enjoy it.

So you had an affair, broke up your own marriage, your adultery partner broke his marriage, you are together and your adultery partner is now involed in another relationship and you are asking for help with your adultery partner?

Sorry I am not qualified in repairing rainbow, butterflies, or dancing unicorn relationships.

Sorry, Sugarcane. Subtlety often goes right over the top of my head.

AM

Do you know why people go to the hosiptal?

Their sick.

That makes it the best place to be.



Do you know why people go to church?

Their soul hurts.

That makes it the best place to be.


Do you know why people come to marraigebuilders?

Their marriage is broken.

This makes it the best place to be.


She had an affairriage. She needs to be told that the cheat with you they will cheat on you. She needs to learn many things that she needs to do.

At the hospital the Dr is not going to tell the patient to get lost and to refuse treatment because one shoots their eye out with a Red Rider BB rifle with the compass in the stock.

A priest is not going to refuse confession because one has sinned.

Now if you don't want to help someone then follow a take off of an old saying: if you can't say anything helpfull then don't say anything at all.

They are not married, yet. I think that makes this just an affair.

When someone goes into a Bank and steals $10,000 ... what do you tell them when they come back to that bank 5 years later to learn how to invest it wisely?

1) Do you show them the best stock portfolio?
2) Do you call the police, have them arrested, and offer them no help because they are still a thief?


Unfortunately adultery is not illegal, so you cannot call the police on them (or have them locked up), but what you can do is tell them to return their ill-gotten gains, and show them how to live a better life.

That man was never hers and she should let him have the choice to return from the place he was stollen.

Coming from you that's hilarious!

Don't tell me how to post, TheRoad. If you have any help to give this poster, give it and leave me to post as I wish. As long as I do not commit TOS violations I am free to post my advice, as are you yours.

People shouldn't come to marriagebuilders to get help with their affairs. What the heck are you thinking?

TheRoad, do you think this is a married couple? They are not... they are affair partners talking about "building a house" and "planning marriage".

Twin's wayward fantasy is crashing down, seems she still clings to the hope that he will marry her and live happily ever after. He wouldn't do that for his wife and mother of his children Twin, why do you think he'll do it for you?

Take your children out of this mess, apologize to your ex-husband (or are either of you still married to your former spouses?) and smarten up. What an awful thing you are putting your children through.

If they do it with you, they'll do it to you. That isn't a catchy phrase, you know that right? It's human nature and Dr. Harley has found it to be true over and over and over.

This has to be a put-on. Cant be true.

If this is true, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!

All the badness coming your way is deserved. You have destroyed your family for this guy who destroyed his. You have zero credibility. This guy was trolling for easy tookie and you bit. He lost focus on things and nearly got roped into buying the cow, no offense.

As I told my adulterous wife in the days after dday, do you know what a married guy thinks of a married women willing to sleep with him?? Nothing. He thinks nothing of her because that woman has no self-respect enough to lay with him. My wife said, 'you're right'. You need to figure this out and quick.

I'll write want I want and to who I want. You don't like it well to bad for you. I did not curse anyone.

I strongly disagree with what I read and responded. Free country. Ignore my posts.

I'll close with don't shoot the messenger.

Did you know this woman is not married? So how in the world would this be the "best place to be?" Would you go to a barber shop to get your teeth cleaned?