Hello.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 9.

We met online playing various games; I was on one side of the country, he was on the other. He was also in the military.

When we first met, we were just friends; I wasn't ready for a relationship, and he was married. Over the year that we were talking online, he found that his wife preferred women, and she left him for a woman in another state when he was deployed overseas. He and I talked a great deal, and I tried helping him with his marriage, but she was finished with the marriage and they filed for divorce.

During the months after the divorce was filed we talked more, and feelings between us grew stronger. Even though we hadn't met in person, we were quite in love; we would talk for hours on the phone or chat for hours when he wasn't working. He decided that he would come visit me when he returned from his deployment.

He came to visit after his deployment, and the moment I saw him in person I was even more in love than before. He told me he felt the same thing.

A few days later he got down on one knee and, while my mum was standing beside me speechless, he asked me to marry him. I told him yes. We made plans for me to accompany him back to his home state.

Arriving in his home state, life was great. Exciting. Passionate. Affection galore. He showed me off to all his friends, we went places and did things together.

But about 3 months in, things changed. He was less and less affectionate, talked to me less, sex became less and less frequent. I asked him about it one day, and he said, "Because you're here now and I don't have to try as hard anymore." I was floored, to say the least. All the things we talked about, how he loved and craved affection and his ex-wife never was affectionate, how he wanted to show it to me, etc., all went out the window. I asked him if his statement was true, and he laughed and said he was joking, but I have a feeling it was true.

A few months later we found I was pregnant, but we lost the child a few months later due to unforeseen circumstances, and I think any remaining affection he felt towards me was gone afterwards.

Things were strained between us following the loss; we slept in the same bed, but he would stay on his side of the bed and didn't let me touch him. Sex was very infrequent with 1-2 weeks between lovemaking sessions, and even then the sex was what he wanted and the positions he wanted it in. His divorce was finalised, and things stayed the same.

I finally came to him and asked him why he'd changed so drastically. He said it wasn't who he was. I told him that in that case, he lied to me. He started going on at me about how I wasn't keeping the house as clean as before (even though it was almost as clean as always). I explained to him that is was hard to clean up after a man that liked acting like a slob, and he didn't do that at the beginning either, so he had to cut me some slack, especially since I was depressed and alone and lonely after losing the baby.

Things got worse, and I decided I would go visit my family for a month to see if it helped things. While I was gone, we talked on the phone twice a day. He kept asking when I'd be back, I kept saying he needed to learn to appreciate me and give me more affection.

When I returned, things were very good... for about a week. Then it went back to the lonely way it was before.

And then I married him.

He was nice for a week or two, considering he was on crutches for an ankle surgery that was performed a few days before our wedding, but it was actually quite nice, and I was hoping things would change for the better.

We had talked about children when we were pregnant the first time, and apparently he wanted children at the time, but after the loss, he didn't want anymore. We would talk about it, and he was quite against the idea.

And then about 2.5 years later I got pregnant again. At first, he was very angry. He didn't want to come with me to the doctor's visits, but did, anyway (he was my ride, after all). Life was ok, I guess. Sex was less frequent as my due date came closer as he said he "didn't want to hurt the baby". I could live with that, I guess.

The day our little girl was born, he rushed to the hospital and stayed with me; he was beside me when she was born, and he held her. I could see something in his eyes, but it didn't last long. Then he left me alone at the hospital and went home. While I was there, he would visit me for an hour or two, then go home again till I came home. He was even more grumpy in the next weeks/months, especially if the baby woke up in the middle of the night.

He warmed up to her as time went on, but things between us stayed the same. I practically had to fight to get sex, and when he didn't want to do something like make himself something to eat or get off his butt from in front of the computer to make himself something to eat, he'd tell me he'd have sex with me if I did.

He really didn't want more children and threatened me with divorce if I got pregnant again, but less than two years after our daughter was born I got pregnant for a second time. It seems no amount of birth control methods were keeping me from getting pregnant. He was very angry at first, but then became more nonchalant about it as time went by.

He was taking to me less and hiding chat conversations when I was in the room, so I checked his computer when he was at work. I found that he was talking with another woman online (she was married, too, and from their conversations she liked sleeping around on her husband). Many of the conversations involved sex and what they'd like to do with each other and how he'd love to fly out to see her or send her a plane ticket to come see him. I confronted him about it, and he said I was being overbearing and controlling and blew me off. Afterwards, he chatted online with her about our confrontation, and she said to ignore me because they were, "just blowing off steam". Personally, it's not "blowing off steam", it's cheating, plain and simple. He did stuff like that several times over the years with other women. I finally got him to stop talking to her, but it took a lot of work, especially since our computers were in two different rooms. Things got a little better, but not by much.

Our son was born, and things continued the way they were before. He would come visit me with our daughter for an hour or two, if that, then go home and play computer games or whatever else.

It has been almost 4 years since our son was born; he is just as mean and angry as before. He seems to be very angry all the time, very snappy if I talk to him, even though I don't treat him the same way. I clean and iron his clothes, I make his meals, I bring him things if he asks me, but even if the house isn't completely clean all the time, I do what I can.

And I feel I'm not getting anywhere.

When he gets angry with the children, or if the house is messy, or if we disagree strongly on something and he winds up yelling at me, he downloads divorce paperwork and starts filling it out. He talks about divorce a lot; "if we ever get divorced, you can have the boy and I'll take the girl", or "That's it, take the kids and go live with your mum"; I asked him a few days ago why he's always thinking about a divorce and he said, "There's always the possibility that it could happen".

He doesn't do anything to change the situation or help; I'm left in a state of limbo, not knowing what's going on. He doesn't do anything or go anywhere with me and the children, rarely shows any of us affection, and would rather play on his computer.

Recently he got a new job that required he get a cell phone; he also flies around the country for a few days quite frequently. At first he let me use the cell phone, too, but he got an even better one and now will not let me use it and has passworded it. He also changed the password on the laptop; I asked him what the password was so I could do online stuff while I was outside with the children and he asked me, "Why, so you can snoop on me?"

He has all my passwords for my e-mail and everything else, and now he's hiding stuff from me. When I ask about it, he talks about personal space and how just because we're married doesn't mean I have to have access to everything that's "his". How he has his own life and whatnot.

It's frustrating. I know his family isn't much on affection, especially his dad, but if he could promise me it and show it at the beginning, or when he wants something that he's too lazy to do himself, why can't it be all the time? Why can't it be real? I feel that he's fallen out of love with me, and it's killing me. I'm doing everything I can to keep this together, but it's getting very hard.

It's like we're roommates that kiss sometimes when I really push it and have sex once in a while, usually once a week, and only if/when/how he wants it.

I love him, we have children together, and I want this to get fixed, but I'm not sure how to do it. He acts like things are fine, he's nonchalant about it, like he doesn't care if it works out or not. His "there's always the possibility it could happen" thing about divorce is unsettling, to say the least.

It would be lovely to see some advice or suggestions, but go easy; I'm already unravelling and crying.

m

It sounds like your husband is actively having an affair. I know that's hard to hear but the relatively sudden need for privacy plus the history of emotional affairs with women online that you know about point to the extremely high likelihood that he is either engaged in that again or sleeping with someone.

Please click on the NOTIFY button at the bottom of your post and ask the moderators to move it to the "Surviving an Affair" forum. At very least, his previous affairs make that the place to get the suggestions you're looking for.

Travis

I'm not sure he's having an affair; the only place he goes without us is work; the only places he goes WITH us is shopping. And with flying around the country, he'll chat with me online when he's in his hotel room after his work for the day is done.

It very possible that he's having an emotional affair again, but I'm not sure. I am hoping that's not it and it's just him trying to be "independent" or something. I'm not sure how to find out other than talking to him, and I'm not sure how to approach him on the subject.

I started reading His Needs, Her Needs, hence why I'm here. How do I get him to read it, too?

Monalee, did you actually speak with his ex-wife and did she confirm his "version" of events?

Understand that you tried to "help" a married man with marriage problems. You had an emotional affair with him while he was married. With his traveling, cell phone, hiding things from you, it is fairly certain that there is another woman "helping" him with his marriage to you.

He is simply repeating his pattern.

I recommend you report your own thread and ask it be moved to the Surviving an Affair forum.

You don't think he's having an affair?

You can't go into battle without knowing your enemy.

I'm not sure how I had an emotional affair with him if she'd already left him and they'd already filed for divorce. I didn't talk to her, but I saw her, and with all her online postings she had already begun her transition to being a man long before our conversations became more "personal". His family and friends confirmed it, so I know his version is correct.

I'll ask for the thread to be moved, since that's what's wanted.

An EA (emotional affair) is what you had, because it is him seeking another woman, aside from his wife, and fulfilling those needs for affection and companionship.

Now, I think it's fair to say if she transitioned to a man and ran off with a woman, their marriage was toast. But that does not negate that you started a relationship with a man who goes outside his marriage to fulfill his needs, rather than get a divorce and grow/move on with his life, if that makes sense. It is a habit of poor boundaries that carries over - as you can see, you are his loving wife and mother of his children, but he is now doing the same to you. Because while the sexual identity of his wife ultimately would have caused a divorce, it was not the ONLY major critical problem in their marriage.

Start here
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

I agree .. if you two where chatting lots while he was married ... and NOT finalized ... it was an EA of sorts.

Read this. Let us know what you think.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html - What is an affair.

ALso .. flying or traveling for a job is a prime way to leave your marriage vulnerable to an affair. You can not possibly meet each others intimate needs while separate.

I highly suggest you begin some snooping while you begin your Plan A. Snoop by putting ka keylogger on his PC .. GPS monitoring on his phone .. keylogger on his phone.. etc .. check out the operation investigate forum for many suggestions. If you find something ... even porn.. come here with your findings DO NOT confront .. we will help you with the next steps.

MNG