Hello MB gurus,

I have been reading this site for a couple of years as my DH and I dealt with my long-term PA. It has been almost 2 years now and although we have put the PA and OM behind us, we are still living with issues in our marriage.

First off, we have been trying to get the UA time in, but must admit it hasn't been as easy as it sounds. I know the UA is CRITICAL to our recovery and success, but with little children and living in a place where we don't have a lot of support, we've been hit-and-miss on getting the time together. But, no excuses. Unfortunately, even when we are able to make the time, when it comes to SF, I am usually left extremely disappointed and am currently struggling with what I should do about it.

I hope this isn't TMI, but I don't know what parts are relevant or not to getting good advice. So here goes...

Way back in the marriage, before kids, we used condoms exclusively. I don't recall having any concerns about our SF at the time. After kids, I distinctly remember feeling like we only ever did mutual-masturbation and rarely had intercourse anymore. I didn't mind much, though do remember us both coming to an agreement that I would need to initiate SF since I needed to be in the mood. At the time it didn't seem like a big deal and I wasn't concerned.

Then my PA began and I was having my SF need (and may others) met outside my marriage. It was only during the PA I started to realize that SF with DH wasn't what I had wanted. The PA lasted over 2 years before D-Day. After a shaky start, I have been NC for almost 2 years.

It took a while for DH and I to venture into SF. We've had some successes, but they are short-lived. It goes in a cycle where I get ramped up enough to initiate, then for a day or so we seem good. But then the disappointment hits and I retreat. I realize the lack of UA only fuelled the issues.

The bottom line is that we are now dealing with a premature ejaculation issue. It has devastated DH as he is still dealing with low self-esteem from my PA and now can't satisfy me with SF. From what I've read on the forum, this issue could be related to porn and/or self-gratification, but I don't want to jump to conclusions. I haven't asked him about it yet, as I want to make sure I do it properly. Unfortunately, because we haven't done our UA duties, I don't feel very supportive to him in this and focus on my own frustration. I don't know how much/if he wants to talk about it (I suppose I should ask him), so we dance around the elephant in the room.

I am putting together a list of things to do (formulating a plan) and want some feedback:
#1 - focus on scheduling UA time
#2 - talk to DH about his PE and if porn/self-gratification could be playing a part

As I mentioned above, I usually initiate SF because unless I am ready for it, his advances turn me right off. But this means our SF doesn't happen very often. How often should we be aiming for (or is that a POJA thing)? Should we be scheduling SF so that I get my head in the game? Are there any �things� we should be focusing on or avoiding? Again, TMI, but should we avoid mm? I know a lot of our issues are due to lack of UA as we are still in recovery from my PA. However, the PE issue throws a little wrench into things and I want to make sure we are following a good plan. Is there anything else I should be doing? How quickly should we jump into solving the SF problem if we are still trying to get in our UA time?

I feel stupid since I have read the books and been on the forums for so long, yet struggle with applying it all to my own situation!

Thanks in advance!
bunny

bunny,

Here's an article from Dr. Harley on this site:

What to do when you are not meeting your spouse's need for sex


Dr. Harley is a big advocate of what he calls a "concentric circles" approach to problem solving. This means trying the simplest and most obvious solution first, and only going on and outward to bigger, harder solutions if the easier solutions do not work.

The simplest solution to your SF problems is to solve the UA problem first! That will probably fix most of what is wrong with your relationship, and the SF problems will be better. You will desire SF more frequently that way, and more frequent SF will help him overcome PE.

Here is another article by Dr. Harley on the link between UA time and SF:

How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?


Once you have the POUA (Policy of Undivided Attention) and the POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) going in your marriage, you will probably find a lot of SF problems resolved.

One thing to mention: your husband needs to learn to approach you for SF in a way that does not turn you off! That is part of the POJA. Emotional needs have to be met in a way that both husband and wife are enthusiastic about and enjoy, or else they will be demotivated, and somebody's going to go with their need unmet as much as they would like. (This is not just SF. Conversation has to be enjoyable for husbands, for another example.)

THAT SAID, if you are following the Policy of Undivided Attention, having dates as Dr. Harley describes, you will probably find yourself much more enthusiastic about sex. A common shortcut men try to take is to get to SF without going through affection and conversation. The POUA prevents this.

AFTER POUA and POJA are going in your marriage, if there are still PE problems, there are exercises you can do. I know Dr. Harley used to recommend the book Intended for Pleasure that teaches these exercises. And Dr. Harley has an article on this site with exercises you can go through for sexual aversion, if necessary. But those are "outer circle" solutions, to go through after you have solved the simple, easiest, obvious problem: not getting the UA time, which is inextricably linked with sexual satisfaction.

Who, I totally missed the comment about porn and self gratification.

THIS is the smallest circle solution.

And the POJA solves it.

Ask your husband to stop doing this, and you will probably see that this problem gets a lot better over time.

If your husband isn't willing to stop, or isn't able to stop, come back here, and we'll tell you what to do next.

Excellent posts, Markos!!

Bunny, what is your husband doing in his approach that turns you off? I agree with Markos that you will be much more responsive to his approach if your SF is preceded by 3 hours of meeting the other top 3 intimate ENs.

Scheduling your SF dates will go a long way in eliminating the anxiety on both sides. You will actually find your self looking forward to it. Just make sure you coach your husband on how to please you sexually and don't do things you don't enjoy. Make it as enjoyable as possible.

Thanks Markos for your timely reply! I think I knew the answers, but just needed someone to confirm I was on the right track.

bunny

I have become a HUGE advocate of scheduling SF time because when it is scheduled, it occurs at a time when we are both at our most energetic and look our best, right at the tail end of nice DATE. I thought that scheduling would take away the romance but it actually enhances the romantic environment.

With PE, I find it highly doubtful that porn or masturbation would be the cause. Porn and self gratification usually have the opposite effect, making it more difficult to climax with a partner. Of course you may still talk with him to see if that is an issue, and it should stop anyway if it is going on.

Do you two talk about sex? I'll just say I know a couple where the woman didn't particularly enjoy the way the man performed, so she did things like move him physically and guided him verbally until she did enjoy it. Have you tried that?

Melody,

I don't know if there is anything specific that he does - I never really thought about it too much. But now that I think about it, when we haven't been putting in the UA time, he is not attractive to me and his advances seem awkward and lacking in confidence.

The few occassions when we have had our UA time I am much more receptive and don't view him in the same negative way. UA is the key here I think.

Though, I also think that repeated failures have left me frustrated and resentful. I find myself thinking ahead ... "why bother if I am only going to be disappointed".

Does the PE occur when he hasn't had sex in a while?

CWMI,

We do talk about it, but not as often or as detailed as we should. Though when my head is in the right place (in the mood), I am good at telling him what I like.

I would LOVE to be in a position where I could get what I wanted out of our SF, but it just doesn't last long enough for that to happen. I don't want to be disrespectful here, but it often doesn't last longer than 10-20 seconds. Plus, when it happens so fast, DH gets upset and that pretty much ends the night.

I am not as supportive as I should be because I am then frustrated and disappointed. I reassure him and downplay my disappointment, but am not in the mood to continue either - once he is done, he cannot meet my need for SF in the way that I want it met.

It seems ludicrous that a personal preference for sustained penetration and his inability to provide that could become a serious issue in our marriage. He wants to meet that need but at the moment is unable to

It happens every time. Our frequency is currently less than once a week. We've tried waiting an hour and going again, but with the same result.

I should also add that he's tried de-sensitizing creams and has some rings which are touted to help. He tried the cream the other night with no luck and the ring idea turns me right off.

Would Viagra help that?

Seems like the lack of frequency could be a big contributor. If you increase the UA time markedly, make sure it is things you both love to do, and increase frequency of SF to 3-4 x weekly for example, this might be a big help.

I honestly don't know what Viagra does. He doesn't have a problem getting it up, just in reaching the goal too soon. I guess I should do some research on that though.

I agree with wonderinif that the lack of frequency probably has alot to do with it.

What viagra does is maintains the erection for 4 hours. That means he can go much longer.

have you tried the treatment methods here?

Would another go after another hour make a difference?

Why not morning and night sessions to see if the problem is related to frequency or if he simply has a hair trigger, so to speak?

I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV so I'm just thinking out loud as a layman.

Men have what is called a refractory period. A time where you simply cannot go again after the act. Would Viagra during this time be a possibility? If he hasn't "recharged" but could be coaxed into an erection via the drug, would that help?

I'm assuming it's not painful for him during the refractory period. If it is, then it's probably not a workable solution either.

One thing, PE can be a side effect of porn use at some point in his life. I'm not saying it is or isn't. However, it's suggested that some who use porn try to get off as soon as possible to minimize the risk of getting caught. They train their bodies to quickly orgasm as a result.

I think part of the problem might be that he knows he's not satsifying you which makes him nervous and lack self-confidence, or feel that he's "not enough". The PE and past PA contribute to that problem. I would say you should take the initiative to make him feel he is "enough" and does satisfy you, but that both of you just have to find the right ways.

Actually, that's not true. Viagra does not give a man a constant erection for 4 hours. It simply makes it possible for him to have one while the drug is in his system, if he is stimulated. However, as soon as he ejaculates, he will lose the erection during the refractory period, just as he would without Viagra. Viagra doesn't really help with PE at all. My H and I have tried it (along with a few other medications like Cialis).

After the refractory period, Viagra should enable your H to have another erection while the drug is in his system, however. It doesn't guarantee that he will last any longer the second time around, but it does usually take longer for a man to reach climax the second time in a short period of time.

My H and I have dealt with PE issues throughout our entire marriage, so I know how frustrating it can be. We haven't found a solution to the issue yet, in spite of trying many different techniques and medications. In the past several years, we have also dealt with impotence along with the PE. We rarely attempt to have sex anymore because of these issues and the disappointment that accompanies them.

I hope you find a solution. I would recommend a visit to the doctor. My H is going to see an endo about possible problems with his testosterone levels. That is also something your H may want to look into.

Increasing UA time might help, but even when my H and I meet our UA goals, the problem has not gotten any better. We haven't even been able to have successful SF when we've gone on romantic weekends alone and had extended periods of UA.

I know how frustrating this problem can be, but you are not alone in having to deal with it.