Hello,
Unfortunitly i may be headed down the road of getting a divorce. I will try to make a long story short. I have been married for 5 years, been with her for 7. I am 28 yrs old, we have 2 perfect little boys together, ages 3 and 1.5. We both have professional jobs, that we have worked very hard for and supported each other thru. Back in Feb. of this year, i found out my wife was having an affair. TO make it real bad, she was doing it with my stepdad's brother, whom i was close to. I have a very close relationship with my step father, my wife used to. Step father and his POS brother were also very close. Needless to say, families are now torn apart and will never be the same. Meanwhile, my wife and i decided to move forward together as family. We have been active in church, been to councelors, reached out to others. She claims over these past few months that she is over him and it was all a huge mistake and is very sorry and regretful. I to want to move forward, but have struggled accepting all of this. I do love her and my kids and have tried to bury it. I never left during any of this. We have had many arguments and fights over all this. She has been an open book and was no longer sneaky in her actions..well, things were getting better. I was starting to let it all ago. Well recently we had another hiccup in the road. I caught her lieing to me about where she was..bla bla..and i had asked her if she was with the "other", that pissed her off and she moved out of our home and in with her parents with our 2 kids. She says she wants a "breather" and time alone to figure out what she wants. Meanwhile, i am suppose to just hang out until she figures out what she wants. I do have a very very close relation ship with her parents, and they are aware of the entire situation and trying to help us both in anyway they can. I do see our sons about every other day (she has been out for a couple weeks). My gut feeling is that she is not resurrecting her relationship with the "other". I really have no clue what she wants...Worst of all, i have no idea what to do. I want my family together and to give my children a happy family home. I know i can let go of the bad things in the past, and believe i am over the worst of it. I have tried explaing that to my wife, but she still wanted to leave. Her main reason for leaving, so she says, is that I can't get over it. And as a result, i will never love her the way she needs to be loved to be happy. I totaly disagree and try to reassure her that is there and will grow stronger but will take some time, her affair was exposed to me only a few months back. These things take time....but she says she is just tired and burnt out.

I have no clue what i am suppose to do now. My wife and kids are gone, my wife avoids talking to me, most communication is through text, which i hate. I apsolutely do not want a divorce...but i can only take so much.

What should i do? Do i just hang out till she figures out what she wants? The situation just bursn me, because she does what she wants when she wants and doesn't have to suffer the consequnces. I know that sounds petty, but that is how i feel. I assume i should atleast prepare my self legally for a D.

Main question: IS THEIR ANYWAY I CAN GET FULL CUSTODY OF MY CHILDREN?????????? Everyone tells me no, unless she is an unfit mother. Legally, yes, she is a fit mother (morally, i say no, a fit mother wouldn't jeperodize their kid's life over some fairy tale love affair bullsh*t). I don't have legal proof really of her affair, just her verbally saying it happend..the entire town knows about, so she can't realy deny it.

Does infidility carry much weight when determining legal custody for kids?

I am very stressed and burnt out over all this........I JUST WANT MY FAMILY TOGETHER AND LET ALL THIS GO, BUT I HAVE MY DOUBTS ON THAT REALLY HAPPENING. I AM A REALIST, i know my wife well enough that she will only sacrifice for a little while, but at the end of the day she will do what she wants regardless...i am just pissed.

Please, i am open for questions or any feedback. This is very tuff to talk about with people..

Thanks and my prayers go out to any others who are going through this mess.

Hello Jayy. I am sorry that you are going through this. I do believe that you have found the right place. I know that talking about these kinds of things is very difficult. Try to be open and honest with yourself and everyone here, and you will be grateful for the caring help that you get here. There are some very knowledgable vets on here who will tell you exactly what you need to hear and the steps you need to take. Some of it might be very difficult to hear, some of it will be validating for you. Please follow their advice. They know what they are talking about. They will give you the tools to recover your marriage if that is possible.

In the meantime, I will respond to you. Do you have any clue why your wife has been so unhappy in your marriage? Did she ever talk to you about her needs or things you do that bother or hurt her? Has she ever tried to tell you that there are things that you aren't doing that she needs from you? Is she the kind of person who avoids talking about problems/avoids conflict?

No matter what the problems were, turning outside your marriage to another man was never going to help your marriage - so there is no justification for her affair. She is probably going to try to place some blame on you, so be prepred for that. Having an affair is a choice she made, and is in no way your fault.

Have you ever seen the Emotional Needs questionaire? That is one valuable piece of help you can get from this site. Print it out and take it for yourself. It might give you some insight to EN's that you weren't meeting for your wife, and that she wasn't meeting for you. Print one out for her. Have her put some thought into it as well. We really have different needs, and this questionaire and the explanation of exactly what EN's are is a great place to start. This goes hand in hand with Lovebusters and the Love Bank. Read that too. These articles present what our most basic needs are and how we do damage to our relationship in such a way, that after you have read them, you will be amazed at what they help you realize.

In terms of fidelity carrying weight in custody decisions, it depends on whether you live in a fault or a no-fault state. I know that it does not factor into determination of custody in a no-fault state. Someone else would have to answer about a fault state. I know you are upset, but please don't make your children suffer in this anymore than they are already going to. It will not be in the best interest of the children to take them away from their mother. That will backfire on you when the kids are older. They need both of you in their lives. Don't ever speak negatively to your kids about their mother. Show them how to respect others, no matter what someone does. I have learned here that it is ok to tell the kids in age appropriate ways what is going on, but keep it safe for them. There are a lot of valuable lessons that your children will learn if you handle this correctly.

Hopefully, it won't have to come to divorce for you. There is so much information on this site about how to recover your marriage from affairs. Things you (BS-betrayed spouse) need to do. Things your wife needs to do. Especially the things that your wife (WW-wayward wife) needs to do to help you feel safe. You are in the right place for help.

Keep your head up! There is hope.

Welcome Jayy to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

What have you done to expose this affair? Have you told everyone? Your kids?

Is OM married? If you want to fight for your marriage you need to make sure this affair is dead.

Another question those are your children and I would demand for them to be back in their home with you.

Do you live in a no fault state?

Tell us what you've done to make sure this affair is dead.

Dr. Harley has a wonderful program that can save marriages from infidelity if followed.

Have you read these?
Exposure 101
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
Coping with Infidelity:How affairs should end

Unfortunately custody is not affected by adultery.
Fault and no fault affect alimony, etc but not custody.
Its a good thing that she left the marital home. BAD thing she took the kids.
You need a shark divorce lawyer.

Really you should have called the police when she was leavin with the kids.
Talk to a lawyer ASAP. A good one , get professionally referred to one if possible

Why do you want full custody?

Talk to a lawyer about her leaving with the kids. Depends on the circumstances, but usually that is not OK (unless you agreed to it).

In terms of Adultery impacting custody it depends on the state and the judge. I live in a no fault state but it still can be used if you get the "right" judge. In my state these judges are elected officials and there opinions on subjects vary like night and day.

It's difficult to get legal advice here cause the laws and moral standards vary from state to state and county to county.

Should move this thread over to Surviving an Affair.

It is a bad sign that WW was caught lying. Most likely this affair was still going on. That is why WW left so you could no longer check up on her and she would be free to carry on the affair.

I would get a DNA paternity test done ASAP.

You need to learn about exposure and how to fight this affair.

Again get this thread moved.