His email clearly states that he does not see the benefit of the POJA. It limits what he is allowed to do, and he doesn't like being 'controlled' by someone else's sensitivities. I hope Dr. Harley can convince him of the benefit for him...but I have my doubts about a 20 min radio conversation changing a lifetime of relational philosophy.

I found it interesting that he failed to mention his AOs or Anger Management or anything about abuse. But, I guess I shouldn't expect him to "tattle" on himself!

Tonight he said our #1 problem is that we "can't negotiate." I disagree (but I didn't say anything - it was a statement he made, not a question to me).

Prisca and I came into MB on different sides of the coin, so to speak.

I am looking forward to your show.

So a question for the ladies out there, 'niggling' in the back of my mind:

Am I just too sensitive to be married? Are business trips and magazines and looking at other women (my fears & insecurities) - simply too much for any man to live under?

I mean, if that's the case I'm ok with it. Single is simple and quiet, and I wouldn't be making some man miserable.

Thank goodness I live in the 21st century!! Otherwise I'd prolly spend my days having "nervous spells" "fainting" and using smelling salts, as a helpless wife of yore. Or worse, go crazy and burn the house down like the poor woman in Wide Sargasso Sea! (whose hubby totally gaslighted her, cheated and abused her...then locked her in the attic)

I just wonder if some of us aren't equipped to be good marriage partners. My girlfriends are way more secure (even the ones whose H's have cheated). They just say "meh" and go about their business when their hubbies travel, gawk, etc. I'm just not wired that way...but sometimes I wish I were.

Z,

I don't think we here can or should be the ones answering that question. Perhaps you should ask your husband, your family, your friends? Is "your too sensitive" something you have heard from the people in your life? Do they ever tell you you're a "drama queen?"

Growing up, I was regularly told by my parents, my siblings, my friends that I was "overly-sensitive." I had several guys I dated break up with me because I was "just too sensitive." And, yes, I was called a drama queen. I spent many many years looking inward at myself, my expectations of others and were they realistic? I came to the realization that I was, in fact, WAY too sensitive and needed to let go of my unreasonable expectations of others.

I think that's why Dr. H advocates dating 30 people before you get married. Because if you had dated 30 guys, and seen all your friends date 30 guys, then you would know there are a ton of good men out there. You would pick the one who could meet your needs easily, and so would your friends. You'd live in an environment of happy marriages, lots of friends to exchange babysitting with, because you all teach your kids thoughtfulness.

But that's not what we did, Z. We hung onto the first man we could barely tolerate, and watched our friends do the same. Until we found we couldn't tolerate them anymore, and went in search of the next man, and again settled for the very first one we thought we'd be able to somehow tolerate. We let our kids go to our friends' homes, but we knew something wasn't right there either. So understandably we came to the conclusion that most relationships are barely tolerable, and that good men are the exceptions.

I got to that point too, where I knew I would rather live alone than in my marriage. And living alone isn't bad. And now I have a boyfriend who doesn't go out of town and doesn't gawk at magazines and other women, and we're working on building a good foundation for a future together.

But this isn't about your preferences being too much for any man. It's about you and your H. And you know your H was made as "perfectly whole and compete" as everyone else out there. What he chooses to do with the gifts he's been given is up to him.

I don't tolerate business trips, and have never thought that I was too sensitive about it. I just don't like it and don't want it in my life. Nobody has accused me of being overly sensitive, but again, I tend more toward anger and aggression than weepy withhdrawel, lol.

I think its good and healthy to have deal breakers. You just have to put them up front. For instance, you can't marry someone knowing they travel and watch porn and then get mad that do those things. Better to not have married someone like that.

Good point, Brit. No I haven't ever been called "over-sensitive" or a drama queen (except by my current H). In fact I'm sort of the "glue" or calming influence in my extended family, at work, etc because I don't get bent out of shape easily. I look for solutions rather than getting lost in the problem. That's kind of why I am so thrown off by this.

However, I admit that I'd like to be his "one and only," and I feel cold when his behavior shows differently. This is really, really important to me. With the world's history of polygamy, prostitution, porn etc - perhaps I'm dreaming thinking any man would ever be faithful in his heart/eyes/body to one woman. And if that's the case, I'd rather bow out than make my H miserable or feel like he's missing out on stuff.

Here's what Dr. Harley says about traveling jobs.
Traveling Jobs

Argh, NED! How do you just "know" all this? You hit the nail on the head. Danggit. (thanks again!)

It's true. But I am really trying this time (though I'm pretty wiped out), trying to make it work.

H told me this morning that he resents all the limitations: what magazines to read, business travel etc. He is tired of me "worrying about what MIGHT happen," that I don't trust his judgment to control himself. He wants me to change my feelings, but I can't. He said I'm being inflexible and he has to suffer for it.

I can empathize. I told him I want him to be happy. If that stuff is important to him, he can do it all as a single man and not have to consider anyone else's feelings. (Perhaps I shouldn't have said this?)

I want him to be happy & blessed! If he can't be that way with me, then I wish him all the best in his future.

Thanks for the insight, CWMI. Agreed it's not fair to bait and switch (even though Joyce Harley famously did this with tennis! LOL).

It's weird...this stuff wasn't important to him pre-marriage, now it's 'everything.' I mean he made a big show of throwing out an unitentionally delivered GQ while we were dating, and didn't 'need' to travel much until he got promoted post-marriage. Then it became super-important. I guess we each had deal-breakers that sort of jumped up and bit us in the butt!

So here we are.....cheeky bite marks and all....

LOL Zhamila I've been having to learn the hard way for the most part. But I was very stubborn and wanted to stick to what was familiar. That's why I really like especially the idea of the thoughtful request, where you try on something different for two weeks. Like for example you can try keeping it short and sweet for two weeks and see how you like that. And your H can leave the magazines be for 2 weeks and draw his own conclusions.

Okay, just so I understand, you are all over him because he reads GQ? Do you read Glamour or Cosmopolitan? I thought he was reading Penthouse or porn magazines. GQ????? Seriously???????????

Thanks Brain! I totally see the wisdom here...my H thinks it's direspectful for me to worry that he won't "control himself." He said it's one thing not to trust him "after" he's betrayed me, but he hasn't done it yet, so it's unreasonable to worry about what "might happen!" He started getting testy, so I did the CWMI and said, "You are starting to raise your voice. Perhaps we could discuss this later."

He left a little huffy, loudly shutting doors and throwing stuff around.

Wish we were on the same page.

So, Z, how do you propose resolving the business travel requirement? If his job requires him to travel on business and you do not want him to travel on business, sounds like the only alternative is for him to quit his current job and find a different job that does not require him to travel. Would he be able to find another job that he has the required skills for in this economy? Are you willing to take the financial hit if that is what happens?

Have you thought about traveling with him when he goes on these trips?

No I don't read Glamour or Cosmo. I never said he does porn. I am also very selective about the movies I see and I don't watch TV at all.

And please don't DJ my feelings - you don't have to agree, but those are just my personal standards. I'm ok if you feel differently.

I'm not DJ-ing your feelings. You asked us if we thought you are too sensitive. I looked at one of the things about which you take issue with your husband and to me, yes, that is you being EXTREMELY sensitive.

Yes, that's our current solution - I go with him. With 4 kiddos it's not easy, and I don't have as much PTO to take off as he does, but that's what we're doing now.

OK. I guess we're all different, and I am sensitive about this stuff - I don't like all the sexual stuff in the media, it bugs me. Does that remove me from the "acceptable marriage partner pool?"

Maybe not if I'd been living in the 1920's when women wore long-johns or dresses to go swimming! LOL. Funny how the standards change.

Yes ma'am!

What do you mean, you like to stick with the familiar?

Nope.

That's the beauty of MB. It's not a one size fits all thing -- it teaches each spouse how to accommodate each others sensitivities, MAKING you compatible.

If it bothers you for your husband to read GQ, that doesn't mean you are too sensitive. It means your husband needs to show care, and not read it. It is far, far easier for your husband to ch�nge his actions than it is for you to change your feelings.