Hi, I am new here and found you by way of the friends at other forums.

My sitch, briefly, is that a year ago my husband moved to another state ahead of me to take a job. Been married 25 years, together 27, 5 kids, 3 still at home. I stayed behind at first because our middle child had overwhelming health needs and treatment that was wrapping up. I have overwhelming circumstantial evidence my husband began an affair with a coworker almost immediately after he took the job. The kids and I were ready to move out and join him after 4 months (we did have visits both at home and in the new location) but he made us wait another month and a half before he could move us. I noticed increasing distancing before the move (less calls/texts), but knew he worked a lot.

Finally joined him in new location and things were weird from the first. In March/April things got really weird and he was away from home more often. Literally, most of the time (Coincides with her new work schedule of moving to day shift and they couldn't continue at work, my Husband is the plant manager) I suggested counseling and he agreed to go.

Had huge blow up fight last month and he confessed to nothing sexual and denied everything about the woman and laughed at my evidence. He tried to say all his secretive, crazy behavior was to hide the fact that he was smoking from me. (It is against my religion and also our son needs a lung transplant) All signs of infidelity are there. I am 99.5% sure he is cheating and with who. It is common knowledge at work. He moved out because he is "confused" and staying with a workmate. He said it's not you it's me, I have failed you and the kids. In what way he will not say. The other woman is also married as far as I know.

He says he is depressed and will go to the doctor and get on antidepressants. He said he would go back to counseling and did for one session which was very positive. We had a great week until last Friday when he got weird again. I think she is putting pressure on him. He looks awful, miserable, and doesn't seem to be having much fun.

I want to expose them. But without the hard proof or admission, what can I do?

I have been with him 27 years. I at least want him to dignify me and our children with the truth. I would reconcile if he came clean and cut ties. I think. But this is ridiculous.

Thank you for any advice or thoughts. I know this is not a well-planned summation. I am visiting my adult children out of state and I'm sitting in a fast food place trying to find some support, lol.

MM

Welcome and sorry for what has brought you here.

What is the circumstantial evidence you have?

Is OW married?

What snooping do you have in place?

Gone all the time. Implausible explanations. The company-owned cell phone is the key, I feel. He is near-violent if I try to even touch it, or the kids do. I have suspected this and her almost since I got here.

Multiple people at work say it is common knowledge.

4 of my adult family member reported (independent of each other) that he had framed pictures of her in his office. he introduced her to my visiting adult son and a friend and they acted extremely suspicious.

Refused to remove her from his facebook although he said he never talked to her on there, yet I found (nonsexual) private messages that he claimed did not exist. This after he changed his password. He said he reserved the right to go to this woman's sister's house whenever he wanted, alone.

Distancing from family and me. Weird and suspicious behavior, including rushing out to her help her with an injured dog that he then brought home and buried in my yard.

After I stupidly mentioned I could read her facebook page (before he left) her privacy settings changed and she blocked me and every family member from his friend list, and also a cousin of hers who was a mutual friend with me (A mentally handicapped young man who would never do anything to hurt anyone.)She came to my house when we were out of town to check on my young adult son.

A love poem from a month after he got here addressed to a woman with blue eyes (I have brown), soft lips, hair and skin. Ahem.

Okay, this is all I technically got. No spying in place except my best friend turns out to be related by marriage to this woman and is asking around for info. All she's got from her contacts is that it's common knowledge they're an item at work and stay in each other's offices with the doors shut a lot. And he left me due to confusion. Yeah right.

Yes, the woman is married. Or so it said on her facebook and there was a pic of her with a guy I assumed was her husband. My friend had another relative trying to find out if she is still married. I have an address for her house but it's in a neighboring town. My husband is staying in yet another town. None of the phone numbers I have for her or husband have checked out. I have ppl telling me confront her, tell the husband, etc.

IDK what to do with no hard evidence or admission but I sincerely believe I am on the right track.

thanks again.
MM

Ok so let's get your spyware in place and be Mrs. James Bond.

So be in plan A while you get your proof. This will be the easiest Private Investigator

Can you put a keylogger on? Keyloggers
VAR in his vehicle?

Also can you make a copy of her facebook contacts for exposure later?

You're in Carrot and Stick of Plan A

MM you do not need to get hard core evidence or find them in the sack to expose.

I think you have more intel than the average person who exposes does already. But if you do want more, have you thought about hiring a PI? If you do he/she should be able to get you evidence very quickly.

You WH cannot be trusted at this point. Do not believe anything he says, and do NOT give away any of your snooping techniques, or even your evidence at this point. And do NOT tell him you are planning to expose.

Thank you both. I heard about Spokeo on here and I'm getting some info on her. My son had offered to pay for a PI and I was in touch with one, but he has not got back to me on costs.

I currently have WH's car because I drove it for this trip and I did see something on here about the gps. So I could do something.

I have a very trusting nature and I can be naive. I probably need to have things spelled out. As far as getting evidence.

I just found what looks to be a current email for her on Spokeo. Is contacting the lover recommended? I read on here to tell others but didn't notice about confronting her.

Yes it's recommended, but don't confront her until you expose.
I encourage BH's to confront OM

Your job is to get your Intel together.

madmomma. Good job on finding Marriage Builders. Do not tell WH of this site.

You must first kill the affair and exposure is your most powerful weapon. Affairs thrive on secrecy and bringing it to the light of day makes the waywards face the ugliness of their actions. Exposure at his workplace is going to be essential.

First you need to find OWH so that you can expose to everyone all at once.

READ THIS
Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon

Do not confront OW yet...she already knows what she is doing and it will only alert her to be smarter and more deceptive.

I contacted the PI I was in touch with before and also one from the PInow site.

I will try to read more info, but like I said, I'm on public wifi and I've been sitting here for hours already!

I'll go copy and paste Exposure 101.

Thank you for your help. I was feeling like if there was the tiniest bit of doubt it was wrong to expose. I know he is a big liar.

I appreciate any other advice you may have as well. I will start working on an exposure plan.

MM

Since they work together this will need to be a workplace exposure also.

It's all in the exposure thread.
Exposure 101

Here is a workplace exposure letter to send to HR, CEO, and WH supervisor. Keep this for when you are ready for exposure. Do exposure all at once.

Thank you again. I have a lot of work to do. I will check back here as soon as possible.

MM

MM If you send this letter, then you and your family should be prepared for your WH being terminated from his job. Just be clear on such point. Depending on the nature of his employment, disciplinary action could "include, but is not limited to, termination of employment".

MM. You need to also be clear on the point that WH must go no contact for LIFE with this OW. That often means finding a new job and relocating if necessary.


here is a link to the entire article: here

You should indeed be clear on the possibility of termination of employment, MM. The actions that companies take range from doing nothing, moving one or both parties to a different location, right up to dismissal of one - sometimes the person in the higher managerial position, sometimes the lower - or dismissal of both.

If you do not report this affair, though, you are giving the couple your blessing to work together and thus continue daily contact and their affair. As you have said, your husband has not voluntarily confessed all and pledged to do anything you ask, so if you do not report his affair to his bosses, the affair will continue.

Your marriage can survive unemployment and a reduction in living standards, including having to sell your house and move to the cheapest area of your country. It cannot survive an ongoing affair.

Given the choice between my H ending the affair even though losing his job, or living with the affair, I would have chosen to expose to his employers.

If your living standards mean more to you than the chance of recovery, then obviously, you wont want to expose and disrupt the affair.

MM If your WH is fired from his job 'for cause', cannot collect unemployment, and/or cannot find another job, are your finances all in order to address this additional financial stress on top of the other issues in your marriage? You need to consider a sudden loss of income, and the timing. Perhaps you and your WH would prefer he leave employment voluntarily and after he has secured another source of income? Please be aware that depending on the nature of his employment, disciplinary action could "include, but is not limited to, termination of employment"

madmomma. I realize that the termination of employment may be a real concern for you especially with a sick child. (((hugs)))


If the financial aspect is your main concern at this point, I would talk to an attorney about WH's abandonment of your family and find options to protect you. Then file for divorce because that is where you will be headed if one of them does not leave that job.

dec, her husband has left her and won't admit to the affair. I'm sure MM would rather her H left voluntarily, but he is not going to do that if he has left her - which means he is not working with her on the marriage - and won't confess. He is not even attempting recovery. Why would he leave his job for her?

From her first post:

"Had huge blow up fight last month and he confessed to nothing sexual and denied everything about the woman and laughed at my evidence. He tried to say all his secretive, crazy behavior was to hide the fact that he was smoking from me. (It is against my religion and also our son needs a lung transplant) All signs of infidelity are there. I am 99.5% sure he is cheating and with who. It is common knowledge at work. He moved out because he is "confused" and staying with a workmate. He said it's not you it's me, I have failed you and the kids. In what way he will not say. "

The A should NOT be kept a secret to save your WH's job, a job where the OW ALSO WORKS may I add. Whether he should lose his job, or leave it on his own, it will likely be a necessary step towards recovery, because recovery will mean he must have NC for LIFE with OW.

I understand thinking about the fallout from exposure, but losing his job (if that would happen, I haven't seen it on here once since I've been reading these threads) would be the consequence of his AFFAIR and NOT a consequence of exposure.

Plus, I think you mentioned that this is 'common knowledge' in his workplace already.

Regarding confronting the OW. YES, this is something you should do at the right moment.

But to clarify, this is not a venture to seek information from her, you can bet your life savings that if your WH will lie to you, his POSOW would too. This is a confrontation that would let her know that you are going to do whatever it takes to save your M, and make life as difficult as possible for her in the process. As in, run her off.