Originally Posted By: Dr Harley (underlined is my emphasis)

What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover�s spouse should be informed. Granted, it�s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

As you already know, I�m a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency�letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others -- especially those who care for you the most -- should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you�holding you accountable.

Sunny
Just read OWH thread while FWW is reading SAA.
Vacillating emotions as I look over and see her reading.
Stated tonight that she does want us to have a R plan.
Continued exposure is a big part of it I now realize and pray she will too.

OK..Good..Glad she is reading SAA and wants the recovery plan!

Exposure is never fun...but it is a part of recovery. If the two of you need advice on how to go about it, you can do a phone counseling session or call into the radio show.

A lot of people need to do phone counseling or the online program to succeed at recovery. You CAN do it at home but you must both be diligent.

Your wife sounds remorseful and ready to do the work. I would encourage her to post! A remorseful FWS is always welcome and would be treated kindly. (Although, we all - FWS or FBS - get 2x4's when we need them!)

The plan is for Fww and I to do it together. Speaks volumes to me that she is willing to do this.
After finding my thread and reading my post last night and the replies of you wonderful MB people FWW signed up and told me she wants to start posting!!
She told me her user name last night but I was in such LB$ over flow it did not stick in my rattled brain.
Don't think she has posted any thing yet.
I woke up this morning and I noticed the sky is more blue, the birds are singing and the air is crisp and clean... or it could be just me.

Want to ask FWW about phone counseling for us but will probably have to be after her IC has ended.

Welcome to the MB family Mrs. Wle2.

It's funny how that happens - how everything is brighter when you let go of the burden of trying to fix everything yourself!

And let me add to BH's welcome....

Mrs. WLE2, we are GLAD to have you here!

Exposed FWW A to our eldest DD and the only response I got at the time was"That explains a lot."
Thought Dad was off his rocker more than normal back then it seems!
I was getting stressed out afterwards about if I had done the right thing by saying anything this late . It took her two days but she finally called Me and her mother.
I Did not expose the A affair to her or the rest of the family because she was about to give birth to my granddaughter.
D-day was 5 days before the birth.
I waited to even confront the W until after GD was here. HELL week is how I describe that time.
I mistakenly keep putting it off afterwards because FWW's A ended the day I confronted her and she was willing to do what was needed to recover.
I did not realize how badly I needed them until now.
Glad to have DD support now though!
My youngest DD and my SIL are next.
My two S's found out through my Dad and that was a welcome relief for me.
Nothing but support for us so far!

The W and I have not turned on the TV in almost three weeks. We have been having 20hrs. + UA.
We are going to discuss EP and shore up what I feel is still a lose end.
FWW has mostly all male friends and that is troublesome to me.

I will have to be her ONLY RC since she only has outdoor interest that are predominately male hobbies. Hunting, fishing, etc.

This is not a problem for me except where my disability hinders me.
Want to go over the changes I would like for her to make in her dealings with men.
I am not sure how this is going to go over with her since as I said she hardly has any female friends.

I have been working very hard on cleaning my side of the street and will continue to do so just need to have more O&H with what I need from W.
My taker is starting to grumble!
My baby DD and her H are spending the next few days with us and we will be talking to her next.
This rabbit whole I fell into never ends!

Great job, WLE! You are wise to expose the A to your family as it really does provide support for the marriage. Accountability is SO important for recovery.

You are also wise to address the issue of your wife having male friends! That was a condition that led to an affair: one you must eliminate.

It would be nice if your wife could find a female friend or relative to spend some time with. However, it's important that the two of you are each other's #1 RC anyway!

The rabbit hole DOES end...as long as you shore everything up, which you are doing.

wle2 I had to comment on your thread. I had a really hard time giving up male friends too, because I, like your wife, have a lot of outdoor hobbies and randomly dirty sports that are predominantly male activities. I fought tooth and nail on my thread to not have to give all these 'friends' up. It was hard to just basically stop talking to people I have had in my life for a long, long time, but I had to decide if my husband's sense of security and trust, and the protection of our marriage and family was worth it. Each and every one of those friends, I had to ask myself, is 'X' worth losing my H and my family over? Of course the answer was no, all those other guys seemed meaningless to me when I asked myself the question that way.

I maintain my hobbies, but I am careful about the situations I am putting myself in there (don't go certain places if H can't be with me, etc.) and who I am around. I am hoping that one day i will meet a girl who likes to get dirty like me so I have a buddy to do things with that is safe, lol. So far no luck, everyone wants to talk about handbags and shopping and such. I say, does that come in camo? And they look at me like I have 2 heads. So, tell your W Unwritten understands. Its hard, but it can be done and has to be done to protect the M.

Sunny-
Thank you for you encouragement! FWW is getting the concepts now.
unwritten-
Please comment all you want to I NEED the help .My head is sore from running into so many walls!

FWW and I discussed this very subject last night and she agrees that she can not do these things like she did before.

What I had discovered is I should have been doing them with her all along!

I am the one who introduced her to them when we were dating 30 years ago!!

We both just forgot how much fun we can have together.

I realized today that I also have to stop asking FWW how I am

doing so often and just do what I know meets her EN's.

Our don't ask / don't tell plan (sorry could not resist) is

still the route I am on.

I have a list of 40 A questions I had written

down while triggering my a** off around the Anti-versary of
D-day.

I had tucked it into my wallet and forgot about it. I started

to throw it away but decided to just leave it in there. I

don't know why. I stopped asking hard questions as soon as FWW

started her way back and after I got hammered by her honest

replies to those questions. I always wanted to know the

details, the motivations were harder to digest for me. Let

sleeping dogs lay if you don't want to get bit! Get what you

need then move on. MR is such a narrow path that one must be

careful not to veer off. My constant questioning about how well

I was meeting her EN are becoming a LB of AH!

As Atlanta's favorite daughter said, " As God as my witness

I'll never LB again!" Well... she would have if there had been

MB in 1865!

Are you saying you have questions about the A that have not been answered yet?

Unwritten
FWW answered every single question I asked of her. I stopped asking once

I realized she was completely over the OM and wanted MR. The

List was me releasing my stress during a particularly bad week.

The answers are not things that would do either of us any good

at this point and really are not things that I have to know, just

wanted to know while in a foul mood. I thought writing them on

paper would be better than blasting FWW with A detail questions.

I also stopped asking because I know FWW's fear of

answering those questions.

Besides I started this thread because

getting the honest answers to one my questions was more of a

burden to me after hearing it!

I recall reading somewhere that it's okay to ask for details about the affair, but you should not ask "why". Anyone have the link?

For me, asking "why" just gets either fogbabble, or I get told "because you weren't meeting my emotional needs". You already know you should be meeting your spouse's emotional needs, so there's no need to ask why the affair.

Working out details is okay, but once you know the details, don't ask for the same info again. Write it down or record the conversation. Work out your own timeline to your own satisfaction. Explain to your spouse you want to put it entirely in the past.

Qoheleth-
Good advice about writing down what I am told. Thank you. My short term memory is shot since this nightmare started.

I am the poster child for wandering off the R path! I am having to go back and correct many things that I should have done a lot earlier in this.

Very early on our MC asked us to write down questions or concerns for us to go over in JC meetings. I found FWW's list.

Her only concern was about me asking her for PA details. Said she did not want to have to recite to me those details and did not want to go back there in her mind.

I never asked her those type of questions after I read her list.

I should have but even after all the heart ache and pain she had caused me I could not bring myself to hurt her by asking my questions.

FWW's fog lifted with in hours of me confronting her on D-day. I just shelved that line of questioning for her sake.

They have only recently crept back into my mind and only during SF of all times!!

The time line was an obsession with me and every thing I would place in or out of the A window. Especially pictures and events. I thought I was the only one to do this until I started reading this forum.

I have so many pictures of FWW taken during her PA that I use to look at them all day, almost every hour. By chance I took one of her just before she left the house to drive to the motel for what would turn out be her last night with OM.

The big events in our lives during that time like my BIL's passing two years ago today. I was the one holding FWW when we got the news. I was the one who held her through the funeral. Our DD's wedding, our anniversary and birthday celebrations. All of these during FWW's PA.
Time has cured that obsession hopefully it will this other also.

The individual wounds are healing very well, it is just that there are so many of them.

Every BS has a need for a different level of detail, some want no detail, and some cannot move on until they have every last shred of time documented in their brain. I was the latter, shortly after DDay (s) I asked about every detail my mind pondered on. It was hard for H to give that info, but it was twice as hard for me to hear it. I believe I got up to toss my cookies a couple times. Since then there have been a couple times I have thought of NEW details I didn't ask about, and I asked them. It never gets easier. Now, whatever my little brain devises I think, good grief don't you have enough already??? And I drop it. As hard as it was, for me, I had to have all that intel. At least now I know, vs having my imagination run wild, which it would have. Now I know what I'm dealing with. It is done and over and I can move on and not a decade later be wondering "I wonder if..." and to me, that was necessary.

Its up to you to decide what level of detail you need. But if you need the details to really move on then get them. Don't NOT get them to protect your W, and in the process not allow yourself true recovery. I am sure she would rather go through that painful moment if it meant giving you some closure and ability to move on in recovery. Just don't want to see you years down the road still pondering, ya know?

As far as the 'whys' I think to some level that is important, as in what was missing from our M at the time/what EN's were not being met to create an environment that was ripe for an affair. It is part of the process of figuring out how to better meet each other's EN's and also establish boundaries and EP's. But, the more selfish 'why did you do this to me? was it worth it?' type questions, well, there is never a good answer to those. I can tell you from brow beating experience, you WANT some kind of rational answer to those and there will never be one. It's just a manner of brow beating, nothing else, IMO. BTDT, not gonna do it anymore.

I have heard BS's on this forum talk about how their imagination was way more wild than the reality, once they heard the details. For them hearing the details was the better option.

As far as protecting your W, although commendable, realize that having to embarrassingly detail to you all of the things she did, is a consequence to having an A and part of just compensation, if that is what you need. Don't protect her at your own cost, I guess is what I'm saying.

Very good advice, Unwritten!!!

WLE, you'd be surprised how many of us are triggered during SF. I'd venture to say 99% of BSs/FBSs. It's very difficult. There are different tactics to dealing with it but of course, time is the best answer.