Where are you at with this?

yes, littlebit, how are you? did you attend the meeting yesterday?

Thank you for checking in on me. I really need the support.

I cannot begin plan B b/c my H will not move out of the house. I have been advised not to leave the home or remove the children from the home. I have not made as much progress as I would like on the financial gathering. There are some things that I just can't find or don't have access to. I have to print out some, do the highlighting and adding up. My doing this is saving me a lot of money. I have moved everything over to a friends house, so I can't just work on it a bit when H is gone. He is a sales rep, so he has very flexible hours. He is home a lot. I have the kids and running them around to all of their activities, friends, etc...

I look forward to plan B. I am miserable with him and the toxic environment he creates. He is a shell of his former self, and even then, I think he was pretending. I look at him and just feel sadness and loss. It is sad how far he has fallen. I feel sad for him. I hurt for my children!!! I have mourned and cried for so many years. Enough is enough!! I need to protect my children and myself from his abuse, addictions and infideity. I do not want to go down this road any longer. He can have his cake all he wants, he just can't "eat it too" anymore.

I have not made a meeting yet. I really do have a lot going on. I thought Tu and Th nights might work, but it just doesn't work out. I think my best bet is to find one during the day after the kids start back to school here in a week. That way, there is no having to meet their needs, nor do I have to explain to my H what I am doing.

Thank you so much for checking in on me.

Thank you Northwood for responding to my inquiry. I will have figure out where to begin. I am not a techie, so you would probably LOVE to be a fly on the wall watching me try to figure it out!!!! Thank you for typing it all out. I really am grateful!!

You can bring your two older kids to a meeting. FYI

Hi everyone. I read every day on here about Plan B and the benefits of it. I truly can see them working in people's stories on here. I am trying to change my mindset from a buyer to a freeloader while having to stay in this situation until I can file for D. Believe it or not, that helps a little bit!! I am also going to go to some Alanon meetings to try to learn how to disconnect with love. I can't seem to do that. My question is HOW do you not think about your WH? HOW? I can't imagine not having thoughts of H, his actions, feeling the hurt, destroying our life..... I know the advice given about hobbies, etc.... I am trying to do that some now. I am stuck. Emotionally, I have a difficult time not being paralyzed by all this. I spend a lot of time wtih the kids, doing for the kids, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, working in the yard, etc... I am having such a hard time fitting anything else in. I am just so emotionally dead. I am very grateful that you are all willing to help me. I need to start my IC back up. She is great, but I am just stuck.

You'll feel more empowered once you actually take steps to correct the situation, i.e, filing for a divorce/separation--actually pulling the trigger on it.

It will remain the same until you make a move. There will always be something going on that will make you want to delay--the kids are in school, they're out of school, you're out of work, you just started a job, you just need $1,000 more, you just need $2,000 more...

I understand about feeling emotionally dead, you see happy lives going on around you and yours is not. I for one, go in and out of this feeling everyday. I think you need to make a move, have a plan. (Plan B) I think about my WH everyday, I can not wait for the day when I wake up and I do not have to think about this mess of my life or his life. Try and stay in control, and really think you will be happy again and what we have all been through is not a normal way to live life.

Thank you Northwood and Mason. You both give me something to think about. I am so numb and blank today. I don't like ANY of my options. I wish he would just leave, so I can get away from his abuse!! Why won't he leave? He doesn't want a marriage. We have no marriage! We will be so much happier away from one another. UGGGG!!

Have you asked him to leave (silly question I am sure you have) I agree you should not leave. The month my WH and I spent in the house was horrible and strenuous. What is his reason for staying? Besides torturing you.

I have NO CLUE really, other than he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay here AND live his independent lifestyle. He knows I can't do anything about it, so he just ignores me. Whenever I ask him to please leave, please stay somewhere else, he tells me that he is not leaving his house and that I can leave, I should leave. He has it made, why upet the apple cart?

I do think that he enjoys hurting me. I hurt him by closing down to his hurts, closing down sexually, and he is going to hurt me. The problem is, is that, that is all he really has ever done, hurt me back!! I was closing down due to hurt to his critical, judgemental, disconnected, non-supportive, treatment and how dare I hurt him by not letting his hurtful actions act as foreplay? He has hurt me back a million fold over the last 18 years. He is just so self-absorbed. I do think that he is emotionally stunted. Seriously, he just doesn't get how anything he does, criticism, hurtful words, etc. affect people. I should just be ready and willing to give him sex every night. Not that he wants it now. He has his own life and that is non of my business (according to him.)

So, anyway, heck if I know. He just needs to go!!! It is horrible, depressing, angering, sad, everything. He really doesn't even spend time with the kids. Other than not wanting to change anything, have people wonder what is going on, and financial considerations, I am cluless as to why he just won't go. Our marriage is over.

Then I would proceed with filing for exclusive use of the property so that he is forced to leave. An attorney could advise on how to make that happen.

I just read all of your thread in one sitting...the down side to that is I wasn't able to post along the way...the up side is that I get a clearer picture of what is transpiring.

A lot of people have been telling you from the beginning to Plan B and this much time has passed and you still haven't done it. If he won't leave, have your attorney file so he will have to leave. It is essential for your well being and the longer this drags out the harder it will be for the kids. My kids' dad did this for over a year, it was extremely stressful...you don't want that. He was very controlling and wanted to have the say when and how we should split up.

Another thing I surmised is how far you have come with inner strength and emotionally. The change is tremendous! Now if you can just implement that strength into action, you'll be all set! Stop making excuses and get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting TODAY! There will always be baseball games, dinner to fix, etc. Get another mother to drive the kids. Better yet, get your H to drive them, he is their father, after all. But no more procrastination, get to Al Anon and make an appt. with your attorney about getting him out of the house. It is mentally debilitating to continue to reside together at this point.

LB3

Have you read this book?

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

Blunt and to the point.....

Deep down inside yourself you do know why you are paralyzed...

Living with an active addict and all the crap they bring into life to you is living a second hand life. You roll with whatever is brought into your life. Re-action to whatever the addict brings in next...A'S-gambeling-drinking.....

You do have choices and if you do not exercise them then the second hand life is yours and sorry to say(Changed this-because you do make a choice to live this way) you do get "something" out of it...

Read the book and YES the whole title is true when choosing to live with an active addict.

It was a hard pill for me to swallow.

Not that the alchoholic WW wouldn't leave-THAT I PUT UP WITH IT FOR SO LONG....And the crap I took...And the reasons.....

nESRE

Nesre's last paragraph hits the nail on the head.
AlAnon will teach you to focus on yourself and not your husband.

Because its really not your husband, it's how you react to his actions.