This statement lacks citation. In my sitch, my H's employer was APPALLED at my H's actions with his co-worker. His employer is a moral man who told my H that he was "dispensable". Yes, he was worried about a potential harrassment lawsuit, but he was floored at the deception that my husband displayed during the affair. Consider this from an employer's standpoint: if you are capable of leading a second, secret life, what other immoral or illegal things are you capable of doing?

I don't know where I'd be today if exposure at the workplace hadn't occurred. Divorced and not on this site is one possible place.

When my H's affair was exposed at the workplace, the affair ended THAT DAY. DONE.

*******************************EDIT********************

Do not disrupt this thread anymore! Help this poster find solutions rather than nitpicking other posters. You have made your point numerous times. That is quite enough.

Let's get back to helping this poster find solutions.

Oh good Lord, dec, no one is giving her any advice that is not Dr. Harley endorsed. For the love of God, where do you think we learned it?

You're actually making me look like an MB superstar, and that's no easy feat!

Okay, well, hi! Glad to see some posts, although sorry there seems to be controversy over the workplace exposure. I have not been reading on MB site but a couple days. It seems more helpful in this dire situation than divorcebusting. I DID order the book several people mentioned to me.

I am concerned about the job. My husband has fired people for this very reason before. It is crazy! I'm sure his boss knows and is good-ole-boy-ing the whole thing. Nonetheless, his boss's email address is on my exposure list. I CAN go to corporate if need be. I've been begging him to quit the job long before I caught wind of this affair, and he says NO WAY. (Of course, because then he would have to be away from OW) I will need to research this more though because yeah, I've been a SAHM a long time, I do have a young adult child at home with serious health and some intellectual problems, and I do worry about money. However, my husband could easily find another job if he went willingly. He gets offers all the time. So I guess he is management material in SOME way, lol.

After I got off here earlier I contacted the PI I'd been in touch with earlier and also one I found on the PI Now referral site. The PI Now guy called me back and I felt really comfortable with him and have decided to move forward. I want to know the TRUTH either way, ya know? He said NOW would be perfect to start since my husband knows I am out of state and they may feel more relaxed. I also feel confident my husband would never think I'd do this or even have the money to try. I hope the PI can get me proof quickly.

But it really hurts so bad that he has done this, it is not something I would have ever believed possible. And the depth and length of his deception makes it even more unbelievable. My adult children are angry, my daughter's a wreck, and my youngest son seems numb. I have noooooo idea what to expect, because I never expected this.

I am also making an appointment with a lawyer for a separation agreement, even though I don't know much about that either. I don't know how he can afford this but it's just too bad, maybe he and the OW can pool their resources to support me and my children or something.

I'll try to read more. I'm at McDonald's again, lol.

MM

mm, you need to be preparing to go to Plan B, where you cut off all direct contact with your H until his affair ends. If I understand you correctly, the big confrontations and his moving out occurred last month, so you have probably been in Plan A for three weeks now. Your H isn't admitting to the affair or apparently taking any steps to end it, so your recourse now is to protect yourself financially by seeing a lawyer about a maintenance order against your H. You need to also change your locks and get intermediary to deal with urgent financial matters and vital communications about the kids.

MM, exposing ONLY to his boss will be very ineffective and will likely backfire on you. He will likely throw your email away and warn your H and the skank. The most effective way to do this is to send a certified letter to corporate and cc at least 2 key people, such as a VP and your H's and the skank's supervisors. This way, no one will give into the temptation to cover up for your husband.

DON'T send an email just to your H's boss because it will be a meaningless exposure and it will give them a heads up on your plan. If they are forewarned, they can pre-empt you by informing HR that you are a jealous lunatic.

It would be the best thing for your marriage if your husband was fired because apparently that is the only way to get him out of that company. That will give you the best shot to save your marriage.

Additionally, I would instruct the PI to get you all the data about the OW's husband and family. Can you find her on facebook? Do you know how to reach her husband?

And have you carefully read the Exposure 101 thread?

Please read this thread put together by one of our finest Plan Bers, who also successfully recovered her marriage.

How to Plan B Correctly

That is brilliant madmomma. I was worried that you might become paralyzed with fear after some of those posts. Fear does not work when killing an affair.

MelodyLane and SugarCane have been at this for a long time. They will not lead you astray.

You need to understand what is meant by Plan A, which I described you as being in currently, and Plan B, which I am advising you to move towards during the next week.

Plan B is to cut off all direct communication with your H, and only to communicate urgent financial or family matters via an intermediary. By doing this you will be withdrawing all the emotional support you are currently giving him, which is making it appealing for him to continue his affair while still being in some sort of relationship with you - which is what is called "cake eating".

Cutting off all direct contact MIGHT have the effect of showing him the inadequacies of the affair, since OW is not his loving faithful wife and mother of his children. She is somebody else's wife and she sleeps around. She is not good marriage material. He might come to see this when he no longer has you around. At the moment he is getting some of his emotional needs met by you and some by her. That is a nice position for him to be in and you need to end that for him.

Once he is forced to have all his emotional needs met by OW, and when it becomes clear that she is unable to meet them - maybe she doesn't even want to leave her H - Plan B MIGHT have the effect of making him want to go back to you and restore the marriage. You will not allow him to do this, though, until he ends the affair and commits to Dr Harley's plan for recovery, including no contact with OW for life, which means changing his job.

But the REAL purpose of Plan B is to protect you from the cruelty of directly witnessing his affair and from his lies and mistreatment of you. Even if the affair does not end for a long time, you will be safe from directly witnessing it from behind the protection of Plan B.

Please read Dr Harley's article What Are Plan A and Plan B?

mm, how old are the 3 kids still at home? How old is the one with health needs?

I live in the UK where there is financial, medical and social support for adult dependent kids and I know nothing about the USA. Is this child entitled to any welfare support in his own right for maintenance and health care? Would you be able to claim any welfare support as a carer if your H lost his job? It is urgent that you look into these things if you do not already know the answer.

Over here, if a separated H lost his job, there would be welfare support for a mother of dependent children and for adult dependent kids. While welfare payment are not generous, an H losing his job and stopping maintenance payments would not have to result in a wife in your situation begging on the streets or living in a homeless shelter.

IDK, I just started reading about exposure today. It's all new to me. I do understand why it is the best idea to kill the affair. I want our 27 year relationship, our 5 children, and our memories to be important to him and to matter, but in the end if they don't mean that much to him due to his sick addiction, do I really need a man who will treat his own family that way? He is NOT the man he was a year ago.

He is "substantially employed", but we have not accumulated a lot of savings or anything due to various factors, including our son's severe health issues that began about 6 months after my husband started making good money. Then our son wasn't eligible for assistance because our income was over the limit. After he turned 18 I began working on getting him disability since at that point my husband's income no longer mattered to SS, and after a nearly 3 year fight, he just got approved for SSI and Medicaid. He is on over $20,000 worth of drugs a month and about to enter a clinical trial. I have been his caretaker for over 11 years and he's a long term survivor of his illness. So there's all that to think about.

Okay. I will need to go read the Plan B again. I did go over it earlier but thought I was still in Plan A. I haven't had any contact with him since last Friday. We were having (I thought) a great week. Seeing more of him than I did while he lived at home. Went to counseling, took kids to waterpark, etc. Wednesday night he said come out to the plant and see him and I did and after that it got weird. I guess someone told her I'd been there. Friday I texted him and got some bizarre texts back that I wholely believe were from HER and he has not contacted me since! And I decided not to contact him either.

Definitely Cake Eating! Which was my fault too.

But is there supposed to be some sort of discussion about "dump her/quit your freaking job" before you go to Plan B? Or was what we had before he moved out our "discussion"? (denials. tears. I love you. I'm confused. etc.)

Yeah, I don't want to see or talk to him if he's doing me like this, so the lawyer can handle our money issues because the bare minimum I stated I wanted when I was giving him time "to think" is not enough. I gotta stop worrying about HIM having enough to live on and start worrying about me and the kids!

So the thing I need from the lawyer is called a maintenance order? I already have a referral for a lawyer from a friend and another friend already called him without my knowledge to ask some stuff about my sitch and it sounds like it'll be okay. Does WAH have to pay for this though? Or since I have no actual personal income do I qualify for Some kind of assistance? Is there a thread about this somewhere?

I sure appreciate all of your help. I feel much more empowered and I'm not sure but I don't think I even cried today!

MM

MM
You are in plan A until you enter plan B.
Also you should expose while in plan A.
FYI. You can also listen to the radio show on this website while at McDonalds with earphones. It's very informative and you can hear callers like yourself asking for advice

MM, OUR WHOLE GOAL is to save your marriage. Everything that we tell you is with that goal in mind. Keep that in mind. What you need to focus on right now is getting the evidence of the affair AND doing the BEST Plan A you can while preparing for Plan B in the next couple of weeks. Don't give him the cold shoulder. Be as pleasant as possible and do not ask or accuse him of having an affair.

Spend your time while you are waiting for the PI intel gathering your exposure targets and getting your letters ready. Did you do as I instructed and read the Exposure 101 thread and copy the OW's facebook contact? Get that done and read through the exposure thread so you understand the strategy.

Contact your lawyer and file for separation so that you are legally protected financially.


They don't mean much to him right now and he is NOT the man he was a year ago. THAT IS HOW ADDICTIONS AFFECT PEOPLE. That does not mean he can't become that man you know again. If you will follow our instructions there is a strong possibility we can get your husband back for you.

Here is your Plan A - you should follow this for the next 10 days to 2 weeks until you can get into Plan B:

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I'm still not sure whether or how your son's health and caring needs will be affected if your H loses his job. Does SSI and Medicaid mean that he is no longer dependent on your H's income for his care? And without your H's income, would you be financially supported in any way to stay at home with your son?

Now, I'm not a Plan B expert, or experienced in it, and I'm not sure whether you have had a clear enough discussion of his affair. I think you have. You presented your suspicions and you have good reasons for those. Did you also tell him that he needs to quit his job and go NC for life with OW? Even if you screamed this at him, did you actually tell him that, somehow? If you didn't tell him that, you will do so in the Plan B letter, so I really don't think you need to see him again to attempt a calm discussion of the affair. I can't see how his denial will be any different after yet another discussion.

If he has already stopped speaking to you then you can go to Plan B very quickly. You need to organise financial support and find someone to do email exchanges of vital messages (These are not messages that allow him to keep up with news of the kids. The only news he needs to get is if one of them is admitted to hospital and the doctors advise you to tell him - God forbid.) I don't know the technical name of the "maintenance order" in your state. (You Americans insist on confusing me by having 50 different legal systems!) There must be some sort of legal order that you can get, requiring him to maintain any dependent children and you as a SAHM - at least for a while - and to pay the rent or mortgage and a share of the bills.

Whether you can get H to pay legal bills or whether you can get some sort of legal aid depends on your state, as far as I can gather from reading here.

Thank you.

I have read the Plan B info and I will have to prepare for it. I did cry while reading the sample letters. There was one that was exactly how I felt. While waiting I will be nice and not mention the affair he is just denying anyway.

I'll wait for the info from the PI. I'll get the separation thing done with the lawyer.

If I go to Plan B I have no idea who could be the IM.

I can't get her Facebook list because I am blocked and so are all my friends and family. My friend has a relative that is her facebook friend and I asked could she try to get it. I have my husband's friend list, but it isn't long. Mostly my/our family. he was not a big facebooker. I set it up for him to interact with ME and the kids, but he only used it to send her PMs! jerk.

All I can think of right now. I go from anger to being so sad, I just want him back! Then I think of him putting his hands on her and it kills me.

MM

Mel, would you adapt this advice at all, given that he has cold-shouldered her for the last few days? Should she leave him alone to stew, and prepare for Plan B?

Another way to get her contact list is to sign out and see if you can see it that way. Hopefully, this relative can copy and paste the list and send it to you. You NEED that list!

And go copy your husbands list right now for safekeeping. Can you sign into your husbands facebook account and get to her facebook account?


An affair with a married woman is very, very unlikely to last. If you stick with us, we can give you the best chance of killing the affair and saving your marriage.

Once you get the evidence, we can give you some GREAT strategies to bust up the affair. Do you think your mother in law will help out and call the OW to try to run her off? Could you get that kind of support from your WH's family?

Since she is headed right for Plan B, I want her to leave the best taste possible with him before she goes dark. If the last thing he remembers is her giving him the cold shoulder or being hysterical, he will be less likely to come back after Plan B. The last thing he remembers should be good memories.

That being said, he may not even allow contact so that might be all for naught!