Maybe because she didn't want to be there and had other stuff on her mind? Not everyone enjoys putting on an act. It's like people dancing while their ship is sinking.

When I told my husband I wanted a separation (over a non-affair related issue) about 6 months ago, because I felt that he had not put our family first over other things, I could have witnessed a multi-car pileup in front of my face and not even noticed. A woman who is in love with her husband but feels she must separate because he does not love her back, cannot focus on anything or anyone but the pain. There are still days today (btw this issue was resolved) where I find myself staring into space because I can't believe it came down to bringing that subject up. A re-living of that brief conversation, it was the worst moment of my life.

If I was at a wedding dinner/party only 3-4 days later, I would have been a numb statue. If he had wanted me to converse more or worse, actually wanted to "go out after" with OTHERS, that would have been just another nail in the coffin. The fact that this dinner/party even went ahead has probably reinforced her decision. Be aware of this, kiss.

It being a wedding rehearsal was, above all, probably the worst venue.

It was likely a hell of a reminder of what might have been.

Going to the actual wedding is going to be even worse.

Yep, I still remember the time I was watching TV with AJ during the A, and broke down and cried because it showed a wedding on the screen. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to actually go to wedding festivities while still reeling from infidelity and planning to separate.

Which brings us right back to the POJA. While I don't assume this was a violation, and it's possible that she was enthusiastic about going...how did you handle it when you saw her apparent lack of enthusiasm?

That would have been a great opportunity to pull her aside and say, "Hey, it looks to me like you're not real enthused about being here. If that's the case, why don't the two of us sneak off and go do something by ourselves?"

See, your chances of having her actually enthusiastic about anything involving you are pretty slim right now. It's still important that you make the effort to discover where the POJA lies. Even if you don't gain her cooperation with this process, true success lies in the effort itself, and in the change of your habits from big ole IB lovebusters to thoughtful POJA attempts.

Accept any rejection with grace. Time is on your side, as long as you're working on what needs fixing.

Suggestion; follow the program and don't slack off.


Begin practicing PoJA with each and every thing you do, each and every day.


At work, thinking of buying a burger at lunch? Call your wife; "Honey, I am thinking about buying a burger for lunch, how do you feel about that?"

If she says she isn't comfortable with it, don't do it.


"Honey, I am thinking about stopping for gas at the station on 37th and vine tonight, how do you feel about that?"

If she isn't comfortable, don't do it.


These small things may seem "trivial," but they are part of building two habits; transparency, and PoJA.

You could also add parental controls to your cell phone, and go through your allowed list with your wife; add only her and other essential people to whom she aggrees to add. This provides an EP for your cell phone use.

In a healthy M, you would probably not need to POJA choices like what to have for lunch or where to buy gas. (Unless other factors were in play, such as a person who's had a heart attack trying to POJA a burger with their spouse.)

By practicing on trivial items, like whether to by one head of lettuce at the supermarket or two, Romaine or iceburg, it gives you a chance to try out POJA when the stakes are very low. Then you'll have the skill to POJA on more important and emotionally charged issues.

I discussed the wedding and the rehearsal dinner and wedding party last night. I also had her read the last three pages of my thread. She said that what is being posted about her not wanting to be at either won was not true. She said that at the rehearsal dinner she was just quite due to not feeling well the last couple of days as she has had a head cold. With the wedding she said that she had no issues being there and that no matter what was going on between us that she would have still wanted to be there because she is friends with the bride and groom. Then after the wedding reception she made me go out to a club with our friends when I was asking her to just go home.

I it was a great couple of days as even though I was in the wedding party I still made my beautiful wife my priority. She looked amazing by the way!!! She asked me not to go to crazy drinking as all of my friends and I are known to due. So I didn't . They kept questioning me if something was wrong and trying to pressure me. It was funny because its usually the other way around. I never gave in. My focus is on pleasing my wife and I think my friends realized that.

I am not one to dance to much. Maybe a slow dance or two but we were out on the dance floor all jumping around together. It was a great time. The only time I wasn't with my wife was for her smoke breaks. Witch are frequent at time. I would go outside with her once in a while but it is something that bothers me really bad.

Then yesterday I worked 6am till 3pm and after we meet at the grocery store so we could buy what we were going to cookout for dinner. I was very excited about getting out of work and seeing her after the prior two days were amazing. She walked into the store and she looked so great even though the kids were driving her nuts.

When we were home she started dinner and I worked on trying to fix the dish washer. I kept stopping her for a huge and kiss. The rest of the night was great as after dinner and getting the kids to bed we sat down and talked about the wedding and some of the feedback from my thread.

We also went through some of the threads on marriage builders that she has been posting on and it makes you realize how thick headed you are when you foggy. I forgot the name of the female posting but the husband was still in between and she seemed like she was settling to at least have something from him even though he wasn't in it 100%.

Why do we put our spouses through his? How do we become so lost that we don't rationalize what we are doing in most cases to our best friends!!!!!


KISS

Neak,

I did discuss this with Rocketqueen last night. It is something that we do need to work on more. I feel now that every time I make a decision I do think about her and how it would affect her but I think that POJA does add to transparency. It lets your loved one see that you doe have their best interests in mind.

THANKS,

KISS

What is your UA schedule for this week? What will you be doing during this time?

Make a conscious effort to acknowledge POJA times, and when they are needed. Use POJA. Take the lead on this.

My wife wants me to go back through my thread from the beginning and see what my thought process was and answer any unanswered questions. This is going to be tough as I read my first post a couple of weeks ago and I couldn't believe my mind set and how lost I really was at that time. So I will answer any questions that I think are relavant to where we are now.

KISS

2WANDA,

Question from page 2 of my thread

Now looking back the biggest problem I had with Thanksgiving was that I knew what was going on was wrong. My wives sister in-law warned me that my relationship with the other female would become more then friends because we were to close. She was right!!!

Another big part was the shame of how I was treating my wife. I would not give her any attention I was cold and not responsive to her begging me to work on our marriage and family. I was a real SH**Y person. I turned into someone I was not.

My mother in-law kept saying that I was on steroids!! I thought it was because I started to go to the gym and work out like crazy. It was my release. Now I think back and I believe she was saying it because I didn't have control of my self. Almost like I was possesed. I was a mess mentally and didn't know it. I thought I was on top of my world but what I was doing was destroying it.

KISS

From page 6 of my thread

Originally posted by Logans Run:

You dont win her back, you EARN her back. Words are nice but they are hollow and mean nothing. Actions, EP and just compensation.

Logans run you were absolutely correct. I reaalize now its not about trying to meet my wives EN'S to win her back its about working on recovery and being the leader in that recovery in order to EARN HER BACK.

KISS

So have you sat down with her and asked her "what do you need from me? What can I do to make you feel safe?"

Then when she tells you write it down and just listen.

Then come up with a plan to do the things she needs for you to do?

OK. So you now see that your shame and guilt went a long way to driving a wedge into the family.

You felt guilty around her family. So you blamed her family.

Recognising that is a huge step.

Your next one would be to make amends to these people. How would RQ like you to make things up to the family?

Just as you're facing (and need to continue to face) rejection from RQ, you need to face rejection from your IL's, as well.

They were hurt by this. You ripped their hearts out and stomped on them by your treatment of their daughter/sister. Since they weren't in love with you once upon a time, it takes even longer to fill up their Love Bank past the level of disgust. (Dr. H says everyone we know has a $LB balance with us, spouses extremely high, close family and friends very high, acquaintances low. From what I've seen, estranged IL's tend to have a negative balance, on both sides of the fence.)

They may not even let you make any deposits, but the attempt is necessary for you anyway, if you're serious about making things right.

Brainhurts,

What she wants from me is to be involved and lead our recovery. Me posting is is very important to her because she says it will give me the guidance and keep me focused on what I should be doing.

Thanks,
KISS

And you've been posting! Don't rest on your laurels, though, all two olive leaves' worth. Do everything else she has asked of you - do it with promptness (as prompt as anything can be that is already this late), and a willing spirit.

So do you think you're taking the lead now, kiss?

UA TIME. What's this upcoming week's plan?

Sunday, Hours, what you'll be doing.
Monday, Hours, what you'll be doing.
Tuesday, Hours, what you'll be doing.

I think you can see where I'm going with this.

Brainhurts,

Yes! I have been on my thread Three or four times a day. Most importantly I like it. I keep checking just to seee what you guys say. Ihave been making sure we are getting time together. Even if we have to lock our selves in our room to play cards or just get alone time. I want to make my wife happy. What ever it takes.

THANKS,
KISS