What the heck did you do to find all of this out in just a little over 3 hours?!!! WOW, give me your secrets!!!!! I am soo sorry LewSully. They don't deserve the benefit of the doubt do they? They have to earn it. He wasn't. His behavior told you that. It is just that we don't want to believe it. Good for you kicking him out. Mine won't leave. I am glad you are on top of it now!

Well, I had been checking his phone calls and text messages and couldn't find anything. While he was snoring away in the bed I took his cell phone and was attempting to install a GPS locator so I could see if he was where he said he was or not. I was having trouble getting it to work, and happened to notice he had Yahoo messenger installed. I had seen this on his computer but was unable to guess his password to get in. However, on his phone, it let me right in! I guess he was smart enough to delete texts and phone calls, but not smart enough to delete the IMs.

Waywards always mess up.

Did you save the evidence?

Send the messages to yourself?

Is he out of the house now?

Good on exposure. Are you following the Exposure thread? Who are your exposure targets?

Who are these OW? Are they married? You need to find out who they are and expose on their side.

I couldn't figure out how to send the messages to myself. All I know is their first names, and that one lives near my house. I should have written down their phone numbers before letting him know I had found him out, but I wasn't thinking clearly. He is out of the house now. He didn't take anything with him, so I don't know when he'll be back.

Ok can you investigate and try and get their names?

You need to find out who these OW are so you can expose on their side.

I'll try, but I don't have much to go on.

At this point, it might be pretty easy for a PI to figure out the two names for you.

Can you afford a Private Investigator

He will probably visit the OW or stay with them, now he has 'space'. A PI could prob get the goods for exposing them too.

Well done you LS! That's some great detective work you carried out. I dont suppose you managed to kep hold of the phone or put GPS on it?

Not to worry if not. While hard evidence is nice, your witnessing the messages is evidence enough.

Now are you staying calm, no AOs? I would put into place a simple Plan A, always look your best, always be calm and expose the hell out of these affairs.

Plan A even if you dont want to reconcile. Plan A is just good common sense which will keep you grounded and sane.

Does either one of the As affect his workplace? You'll need workplace exposure if so.

Dont forget exposure to your loved ones and mutual friends. Youll need the support.

Am I supposed to expose to ALL his Facebook friends, even the ones that I don't know who they are?

I've already exposed to those I think he is closest to.

No concentrate on the best targets. If he's a popular guy who cares more about stranger/general approval then perhaps. Otherwise focus on nearest and dearest.

OK. Thanks!

I'm going back to your original post because it is so interesting to review the perceived original problem now that you know what is really going on. Two active affairs.

Here is my advice.
Move ahead with your weight loss/healthy living changes as planned. This is PLAN A .... becoming the best spouse you can be. Yes, weight loss takes time, but showing the effort and making progress is daily.

Your WH may have given himself permission to screw around because you had let yourself go a bit, but once you stop doing that, it is no longer an excuse, and he will have to come up with a new one. (pay attention, he will fog-babble some excuse)

Do not allow yourself to be deterred or detoured by his indifference. Your reward for your hard work will be personal if not marital.

No one deserves to be cheated on.

In reality, your pre-affair marriage was a renter-renter agreement. If you ever do have a chance for reconciliation with WH, understand that POJA will need to be the 'holy grail' of your relationship. POJA requires PORH. Your H should not sacrifice his need for an attractive wife, which he apparently was doing.

I get the feeling he's not really a bad guy, but he's developed a habit of dishonesty which he will need to break.

I wish you the very best in your efforts.

Meanwhile, Plan A carrot and stick. Use your self-improvements as a major carrot.

He used to be the kindest, most loving man I had ever met. Not just towards me, but towards everyone. The kind of guy who stops and helps someone whose car is broken down on the side of the road. The kind of guy who always opens the door for you.

But he's not that guy anymore. Everyone has noticed. He's full of road rage, says he hates people in general, never smiles anymore. He's like a totally different person. It's almost like he's possessed or something.

17 years ago, when my H was living IN his sinful nature, he was an A-hole.
He's again a sweetheart.

You cannot control what he does with his life now. But just knowing that he started out as a good man is encouraging.

Most adulterers are miserable and unhappy with themselves. It's not your fault.

Plan A, baby!

Sorry to hear this, LS, the others beat me to the punch, just want to reiterate, continue weight loss, whether it works wonders with him or not, it will be good for YOU.

Glad to hear you're exposing!

I just got this email from him:

I don't want to argue, fuss, or fight right now. I am writing to ask you about a time that I can come over and get some of my things. (Clothes, toothbrush, etc) I do not want a confrontation, so please let me know when I can come by, be by myself to get some essentials, and leave.

As far as everything else goes, I ask that you please let me send the two cars I got from Hoss back to him. (Ugly Bob, and the '55 in the garage) They were gifts from him, and I would really appreciate if I could just give those two back to him. Also, I ask that you let me send the titles to Donnie and Juniors cars back to SC, and we not fight over those. Those two cars have been a close part of my family since I was too little to remember, and it would just be wrong to seperate them from the family... And if I can just keep the Toyota truck to have something to drive back and forth to work. All the rest you can either keep, sell, crush, or do as you see fit.If you would allow me to, I could still try to sell some of them to recover some money to pay off the credit cards, etc, but that is up to you.. If you'll agree to this, in exchange, i'll liquidate my stock money, and give you the biggest portion of it. There should be roughly $6,500 in there before the taxes and penalties, and if I could keep maybe 10% or so of it to get by with, you can have the rest towards bills. Also, i'll continue to direct deposit half of my check into your account, keeping just enough to live on and get by with until the divorce is final. I don't think I'm asking too much, and though I know you are really upset and mad right now, I do NOT want to talk about this in person, or on the phone. I know our conversations will just turn into arguments, and that will not be good for either of us now. We just need to settle this and move on. I cannot let go of what I've done to you, and you DO deserve better. I am really sorry this all worked out this way, but like I told you last night, I've finally realized that this was about me, not you. I'm the one that will have to answer for this in the long run, so let's just let this go, and not do anymore damage to each other than has already been done..

I will await your reply...


Any thoughts on how I should respond?

Make an appt. w/an attorney ASAP! If the cars were his and he wants them in his family and there is no $ owed against them and you have no problem with it, fine, but be careful what you agree to with him, get legal advice first. Do you have joint bills, credit cards? Are you buying a house or renting?

There's a lot of cars in question here. Some he bought long before he knew me, and some we bought together. One car we took out a loan on and owe a substantial amount on. I believe that car is in both our names. Most of the bills are joint, but the house is in my name only, so at least I won't be homeless. I would like to get some money from selling the cars, since we have substantial credit card debt because of them.

Okay, start calling attorneys, get an appt. Don't commit to anything financial with him until you've talked to one. Attorneys will best be able to come to an agreement that will work. Pack his personal items and clothes and set them in the garage or some other place and change the locks on your house!

At this point I wouldn't believe or trust anything he says. He's already shown himself to be a liar and waywards going through a breakup are likely to do anything. Cover yourself. Open a new bank account in your name, get some $ into it. Caution: My XH, when we were married, w/d $ from the bank we didn't have in it (I hadn't known you can do that), also wrote hot checks, etc., quit his job, went into hiding, stuck me with all the bills, to a tune of over $50,000.00. I was shocked. I will pay the rest of my life. I got a judgment but it's useless as he learned to work cash under the table and hide from me. Now that he's going on disability...well never mind, I've moved on from him and know I'll never see a penny back, I just don't want to see anyone else go through what I was blindsided with. We think we know them...I've learned a lot! If you have any joint accounts, get rid of them, get your name off so you can't be stuck!