It would be great if it were that easy. None of us would be here. That way leaves the M vulnerable to another affair. I'm sorry to say you've got some work ahead of you. BOTH of you.

I could sure use some advice and support again. It's been a year and 1/2 since the A and I still can't put it behind me. There�s still all these unanswered questions and stories that don't make sense. Not to mention that the OW (who use to be my friend) showed up drunk on my front porch a month ago to say HI and then broke out crying about how sorry she was and how she had just floated the creek like we all (her, her husband, myself and my husband) use to do. Unfortunately I couldn't just throw her off my property like I wanted to.....I don't know why! I expected my husband to do that but instead they talked like old friends about silly things until I called her husband to come get her since I wasn't right behind her as she claimed. Then the topper came when she and her husband took their vacation at the same place we always have for 6 years (at the same time every year)a week later. I had to see them every day for a week and 1/2.

I've tried talking to my husband about all the unanswered questions and how things don't make sense for the last year and 1/2 but to no avail. He still claims that he's been totally honest but then new pieces keep showing up. Not to mention that he's made no effort to make things right or show me that he cares. All of this started back on Christmas eve 2010 and ended on Feb. 2011 (when I figured out that they were messing around). He did nothing for me for Christmas this last year, nothing for our anniversary or any other holiday and I found that he had been looking at personal ads back in January of this year.
He keeps telling me that it wasn't sexually motivated but then if an orgy, threesome and messing around isn't sexual I don't know what is. She contacted him recently through email after the showing up on our front porch and instead of telling her to leave us alone, he wrote back telling her how sorry he was and that he shouldn't have given into his urges towards her. Told her that he loved me and that we were trying to rebuild trust and work it out and would in time (He showed me the email). He didn't understand why I was upset that he didn't tell her to not contact us again! We then talked about the urges part since that suggests sexual and he claimed that even when he was having those thoughts it was about her doing things to him that she was always throwing innuendos out about but that he never thought about having penetrating sex with her that it was all about messing around. He still claims to this day that they never had "sex". That there was oral on her part not his and heavy petting and that he had sex (my word not his) with her breasts. I pointed out that I wanted him to stop hanging out with them before I knew what they were doing to try to save our marriage since he was spending all his time with them but he refused and fought to go over there all the time telling me that he didn't see anything wrong with being over there...
I've tried explaining that in order to work it out and truly be over it he has to be completely honest about what really took place instead of the version of truth that he wants me to believe. That they wouldn't have been talking about how much fun it was and how much they enjoyed what they were doing (they both told me about these conversations) and then not mess around anymore. They both claim that they had these conversations but that it was after it ended and they were just "hanging out" but not messing around anymore because it was just wrong. They also tell me that it just ended before I found out and that even though he was going over there all the time that nothing happened. I might just add that her husband was present during most of this and was playing around with another friends wife (although his wife claims he didn't know what she and my husband were doing and that he wasn't messing with the other woman, even though she was seated next to my husband playing and her husband was sitting next to the other woman on the couch). My husband has also told me that her husband thanked him on a few occasions for "helping him out" because after messing around this him, their sex life was better. What is wrong with these people? My husband claims that he felt like he was just helping his friend out and that they weren't really doing anything wrong because they were just messing around and not having sex. Of course when I call him on that fact he then changes his tune and says it was so wrong.........
I'm sorry for ranting and blabbing on an on.....I'm just so frustrated and confused. I want to save my marriage of 15 years and really don't care what all they did (OK I care but not enough now to leave) but really only want to know that he can be honest about ALL of it so that it's behind us. I don�t even know if that makes sense. I want to stop my brain from trying to make sense of the stuff that doesn't make sense and STOP finding out more things! It seems like just when I think I have a handle on it she shows up and tells me more things or he does by accident. Does it ever end?! How do you find closer in all of this or am I being naive in thinking that I ever will?!

My suggestion would be to actually USE the Marriage Builders program. You have been here long enough to understand it. You have to take the time to learn it and do the work.

Get the book Surviving an Affair. Start with these links here:

How to Survive Infidelity

Good luck!

Helpneeded,

How long have you been married? 15 or 16 years? How old are your children? Were you and/or your husband married to other people when you met?

Have you read the material on this site? Read the book, "Surviving an Affair"?

AM

Unless she was unusually heavy, your foot should have been able to give her a good shove with gravity doing the rest. Or shutting the door and calling the police about the nuisance drunk would have sufficed as well.

I know that if OM showed up at my door he'd either be in the hospital or six feet under and I'd be making license plates at Parchman farm. OW walked all over you there at your own freaking doorstep and you just stood there and took it. Come on now!


He talked because he knew that there would be no consequences for his doing so. And there weren't.



Why should he? You haven't done anything about it and (other than listening to you complain every now and then) he knows that he doesn't have to expend a lot of energy to keep things as they are.




Here's the Cliff's Notes version:

1. Your husband is still in contact with OW. Hell, he never even changed his email. I'd bet that it's not the first email that she's sent him recently.
2. In addition, you have a problem with geography if she's free to stop by whenever she gets boozed up enough.
3. Your bar for recovery is too low and your husband knows that he doesn't have to do, well, anything because there are no consequences.
4. Your standards are too low. You should want more in a marriage.

Ok so it seems nothing has changed in the past 8 months - have you read SAA? You should have gone into plan B 6-7 months ago if you were not getting honesty and there was still contact.

I'm not sure if this is false recovery, it looks like nothing really happened to even give 'hope' of an FR!

This was written to you in January and still applies.

We've been together for 16 and married for 15. Our (my boys)children are 20 and 21. I was 4 years out of a marriage that end by my husband cheating on me with a friends sister. I've read the material but after re-reading it today am not applying it well!

You're right, I should have done something but didn't. All I could do was sit there and shake....I'm not good at confrontation.
As for geography, they still own the house across the street but have since moved/bought another one back in March.
I'm trying to raise my standards but obviously not good at that either. Some how I've lost the strength that I once use to have but my goal is to regain it and stop being the dora doormat.

Yes our children (one that was living at home at the time) know, along with some of our family.

That's been the other hard part, we live in the same small town as these people and their families. I dread running into her parents since I know them very well and know that she did not tell them why we're no longer friends. I'm not sure that it's my place to do so if I see them or just let it go. Quite frankly part of me wants them to know since I seem to be the only one having to deal with it. By choice I know....

It seems like every time I find the strength to tackle these issues, I lose it when he starts getting angry and starts spouting off about how he's told me everything. That this was just a stupid mistake that didn't mean anything and that he just messed around with them but with no goal of having intercourse or getting off. I want so badly to believe him.... but know in my heart he's not being honest. Knowing it and acting on it are so HARD.... I feel like a YO YO and I know it's of my own doing but finding that strength on my own is so hard.

I appreciate the "frankness" of your replies and know that it's why I'm hear and that it's ME that has to put it in motion. I don't want to sound like a silly person but it helps to pour it out and then have someone knock some sense back into me so that I can take a few more steps forward in what I need to do! I sure wish I had a crystal ball into a man's/women's thinking process! I prefer the straight up lay it all out approach vs the slowly hearing it. I could have dealt better if it had all hit me at once vs the slow pulling of the bandaide.

Do you plan on implementing anything from the MB program? You don't have his honesty or remorse, full exposure has not been done, you haven't moved (you will not recover seeing these people), no EP's in place, etc.

Well your first mistake is in listening to an active wayward. You'll hear more sense from the town drunk. They all get angry and you should either leave the room or play 'la la la' in your head when they speak.

YOU should be the one doing the talking.

And nobody is 'good' at confrontation. That's a cop out.

Neither am I but I kicked my H out when he did not commit to the plan.

Here's what you do. You act upon MB instructions just like a soldier would act upon orders.

If MB says expose, you expose. Even if your hands shake and your voice trembles throughout. Mine did, but guess what? The sky didn't fall in and I got tonnes of support.

If MB says Plan A .. Or Plan B ...

You do it. No excuses.

Let us know your plan.

Do you have an exposure target list?

Hopefully it will make him VERY VERY mad.

Wow. I'm just speechless and don't know what to say in the face of something so freaking asinine.

He must think you're a complete imbecile to say something like that.

Nothing will change until you decide to make it change.

And, yes, you should tell OW's parents what their slut of a daughter is up to. In fact, I'd be actively seeking them out telling them the following:

1. That she, your husband, some other guy and maybe someone else had an orgy or some stupid thing that's probably illegal in some countries. Whatever it was, describe it to them using clinical, matter-of-fact terms. Don't be bashful but no need to be overly crude if you know what I mean.

2. That she turned up at your house the other night blitzed out of her mind wanting to talk to your husband.

3. That she still emails him.

4. That you and your husband have children and that she is directly interfering with your marriage and family.

5. That you want them to directly intervene and to use their influence to keep her away from you, your husband and your children.

6. That you can be reached at (phone number) should they have any questions.

EDIT: Rinse and repeat for anyone else that OW knows. Get a list together and hit them all at once. Don't do a little here and a little there...that'll give her a chance to get her story straight. Do it all at once.

Ask for the same help (intervention) from your WH's family and friends.

You'd be doing these poor people a favour.

Their daughter is soiling herself with more than one addiction and everyone is keeping quiet about it!!???

Why for heavens sake?

Because some brain dead waywards might get angry?

Um yeah, that's new.

Write down ALL the questions you still have, make an appt for a polygraph, then tell him he needs to answer ALL these questions and anymore you think of before the poly. If he won't do this, Plan A for a short time til you can get into a dark Plan B. the cart has been driving the horse for far too long.

hi help. it looks like you disappeared back in january (but i remember your thread and have just reread it), and have continued in plan-do-nothing ever since. are you ready to settle for a marriage where your WH does whatever he wants and you are the little woman at home while he's living like a wild and single guy, or are you ready to fight this battle?

i agree with the others. you have fiddle-faddled around for too long. it's time to go to plan b (plan a while you're getting ready). WH thinks he's got the best of both worlds, with no reason to stop his behaviour. you need to show him that if he wants to be married to you, this is not acceptable. actions have consequences! i doubt that the a has stopped, and think you are being played by them both.

what kind of small town do you live in where all these disease-ridden married couples are screwing around with each other? yuck!

oh, and expose, expose, expose! plan first, and do it all at once. post your exposure letters/messages here first for guidance. and get ready for plan b. you say you have read all the info here. i hope that's true. if you are unclear, ask, and we'll post links to the immediately-relevant info.

now get your armor on, you've got a war ahead!