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#2654808 08/09/12 01:53 PM
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I really need help here...

My wife of 21 years said she wants space, she doesn't want to get divorced, doesn't want to take off wedding rings but doesn't know if she wants to go to counseling. She wants space to decide what she wants to do.

In our 21 years we've been thru hell and back.
- teenage step daughter that caused all kinds of problems
- family not accepting step daughter
- adultery (me)
- son addiction rehab, relapse and addition rehab again, currently doing well

And the list goes on. We have gone thru a lot but have made it through, I view this as positive, she views this as negative. Our youngest just turned 18, she has a job and shes doing well so I guess she just wants to move on...

Should I just sit tight and give her time? And I being played for a fool? I just don't know.

On one hand I want to believe her on the either she just seems to biding time, maybe softening the blow. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Thank you in advance!

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Since you mention adultery I've asked the mods to move your thread to Surviving an Affair.
Have you read the Basic Concepts on this website?

I also encourage you to read His Needs Her Needs by Dr Bill Harley

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Cap'n, I haven't been on this site for a while, but some things still ring true. "Wanting space" is a redflag. You mentioned your own adultery, and now it appears your wife may be doing the same thing.

I agree with HDW - you should ask the mods to move this thread to the SAA forum; I think you'll get better help there.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Originally Posted By: Capt_Crunch

Should I just sit tight and give her time? And I being played for a fool? I just don't know.

On one hand I want to believe her on the either she just seems to biding time, maybe softening the blow. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Thank you in advance!


Capt.

1. Did your marriage ever truly recover from your affair? Did you use MB?

2. It's possible she is now the one having an affair. Until you investigate you will never know...because she will not tell you herself.

I think you first need to rule out the possibility of an affair and then go from there. However, sitting back and doing nothing will only further the demise of your marriage.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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We kinda recovered from my mistake, it was 12 years ago.

We spoke last night and she said she wants to stay married, that's an improvement.

I've been watching her pretty closely, phone records, etc. I haven't found anything that leads me to believe anything is going on other than her attitude toward me. But I am watched very, very closely.

Do women every just, have enough, and need space? She says she's just done, empty. We have been through a lot so I'm taking the pressure off and monitoring.

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Has she moved out?

She's done and empty, but wants to stay married? That translates into CAKE. Can you hire a PI? My SIL (two of them, actually) wanted "space" and it turned out both of them were cheating. One got divorced pretty quickly, and is going through the second divorce right now from her marriage to her AP. The other doesn't want to get divorced, she just wants to live with her boyfriend instead of her H, but her H isn't giving her that option. Both gals were adamant that the marriage simply wasn't working and hadn't for a long time and needed space to figure out the future (ie, whether the thing with the boyfriend would work out).


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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She hasn't moved out.

She goes back and forth, she says shes done but we have some much invested she doesn't want to screw that up. She's back to she doesn't want a divorce, she doesn't want to separate, we should probably go talk to a counselor.

Her cell phone is pretty quiet these days, I check everything. I can see where she is via GPS and she has been where she's said she was, so... About the only thing I don't have covered is if there is something going on in her office.

I don't know if she's considering a fling with somebody in the office and isn't sure or she really is just done. I don't know I need to step up investigation but how can somebody find out if there is something going on in the office?

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Can you afford a PI?

Can you afford the coaching center?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Capt_Crunch
We kinda recovered from my mistake, it was 12 years ago.

We spoke last night and she said she wants to stay married, that's an improvement.

I've been watching her pretty closely, phone records, etc. I haven't found anything that leads me to believe anything is going on other than her attitude toward me. But I am watched very, very closely.

Do women every just, have enough, and need space? She says she's just done, empty. We have been through a lot so I'm taking the pressure off and monitoring.
What 'mistake' did you commit 12 years ago? And why do you think you only 'kinda' recovered from that?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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12 years ago I had an affair.

We had discussions over the weekend, in fact, she says she has gotten over the affair. She said point black that she's over it no issues, she's processed it and moved on.

However there are other issues she hasn't processed, we've had a number of very difficult situations raising our kids and she didn't like the way I handled them. She feels I always put everything above her and never had her back. While talking she rattled off 3 or 4 major issues. This was eye opening to me.

I just listened. Among the things listening she said that she has recovered from the affair. What she says is that she knows that she's recovered because thinking about that doesn't bother here in any way shape or form, she's moved on from that. These other things however she has not "processed" and she's very angry. At some point I'll point out to her she has to forgive me, for her sake not mine, but it wasn't the time. Even if she leaves she'd have to forgive and here life will be a train wreck...

Anyway, she's talking to me and telling me what's going on, that's a good thing, right? Prior to this I told her, we are married, it's a life long commitment, commit to this marriage and we'll work out anything, but without that commitment the dynamics change which just cause more issues.

She says she doesn't want to throw away the 21 year commitment and screw up everybody's lives but she's numb inside. My response is marriage, life, has peaks and valleys, right now we're in a deep valley, we'll climb out of it if we stick it out and work on it.

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Originally Posted By: Capt_Crunch

She says she doesn't want to throw away the 21 year commitment and screw up everybody's lives but she's numb inside. My response is marriage, life, has peaks and valleys, right now we're in a deep valley, we'll climb out of it if we stick it out and work on it.


Capt. Read this: A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

It will point you in the right direction to "climb out of it" by teaching you how to care and protect for each other and rebuild the romantic love.


Are you sure there is not an emotional or physical affair here? Your wife is certainly saying all the right things to make me suspicious.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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No, I'm not sure, she'd never admit that to me.

This isn't the first time she's said these things, we go through this every so often, she has unprocessed anger toward me. I've gathered a lot of evidence, of all the evidence I have the only possibility I see here is an EA in her workplace. But I have no way to verify that

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Is there anyway you can stop by her workplace unexpectedly to take her out to lunch?

If you time it right, you'll see who she's lunching with. As well as making your presence known.

If she hisses and causes hell after you showing up to see her at work,... You'll know.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Have you read His Needs Her Needs as suggested earlier?

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Read His Needs Her Needs years agoo

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Well, looks like there may be an EA going on at work.... What should I do?

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Originally Posted By: Capt_Crunch
Well, looks like there may be an EA going on at work.... What should I do?

Get the proof so you can expose this? Can you hire a PI?

What "looks like there may be an EA?"

What spyware do you have in place? On her phone? Computer?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I agree with BH...

Tell us about the EA and your evidence / suspicions.

And snoop.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Well, I guess EA may be a little bit of a reacj but certainly,
risque chatting that goes way over the edge, All the info is on here work computer, I asked her it we could log into here work computer and look at her icq chats, and she adamantly refuses.

She adamantly refuses...

The person she's been chatting with is single, about 10 years younger than her and has an apartment not far from their work...

She may have seen this thread on my computer so I don't want to say too much, but like I mentioned some risque chatting, doesn't appear that anything physical occured.

I blew a gasket last night but didn't tell her what I know...

She will not budge, I have the persons cell phone number I don't think spokeo is accurate for address, thinking of sending a text to him and telling his to stay the **** away from my wife.

I have an appt with a counselor on Wed will discuss this further with him also.

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I flipped things around and said, you know what if we can't look at your work icq then let's just pull the plug here and end things...

Now she says, "it's too complicated to pull the plug (split up) we have 20 years invested, it ruin the kids lives, ...".

She's not happy, she wants to stay, she wants to go.

I didn't show her any of the evidence,

chat's about free golf being better than sex and it being dependent on the partner.

going out for drinks and living in the moment and not thinking about the next day.

they were talking about playing darts but then joking about doing it lefty and blindfolded.

All sexual innuendeo chat...

Now she's going to quit her job, insists there's no physical contact...

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