Kiss, it's nice to see that you are starting to see where you can improve. Now, my biggest suggestion is to go back through these 32 pages and read what others posted to you. See what you have and haven't done.

When can you get UA time this week? What activities would you be doing to ensure that you are meeting the top 4 intimate ENs?

That would put you in a very small minority. MOST mothers DO have a high need for FC.

It has been mentioned on this thread that FC is one of her top EN.

Scotland,

This week our UA time will be Tomorrow night 6 pm till midnight as we have my buddies rehearsal diner for his wedding thst I'm his best man. Friday 9am till midnight as we have the wedding. Saterday 9 pm till 12. Then sunday will be 2:30 pm till 10 pm with the kids.

The things we will be doing is diner on Thursday and partying with friends. shopping for things for her to wear to the wedding. Then with the kids on Sunday we will be cooking out and playing games outside with the kids.

kiss,

Those activities don't sound like they will allow you to give your wife your undivided attention. During UA time you give each other your undivided attention. That means the focus is on her. You talk to her, listen to her, enjoy some recreation together. You can't do that with a bunch of friends.

Dr. Harley mentions several helpful conditions to help you understand UA time:
the time is alone
not spent with children (who are awake)
spent when you have energy (Dr. Harley says don't count time spent after 11 P.M.)
no electronic devices, movies, or television,
you give each other your undivided attention

The time spent with the kids is family commitment time, which is an important emotional need, but will not have the effect of UA time. You need 15 hours of each (actually you need 30 hours of UA time until both of you rate your marriage as better).

With the addition of markos excellent help this is the easiest for me.

UA time meets the top 4 intimate EN=SF, IC, RC and Affection=15-20 hrs

Kiss, unfortunately, the rehearsal dinner and wedding do NOT fall into UA time. So, so far, you have put about 3 hours into the UA time column, Saturday 9pm-midnight. What will you be doing during this time to meet the 4 intimate ENs?

See, this is why it is important for you to post here. You misunderstand what UA time is, and what it is used for. I understand how frustrating it can be to THINK that you are doing what is expected of you, and not have the desired responses. This is precisely why though, because the focus was misdirected, and misunderstood.

You're starting to put in some thought and planning. That's good. Follow the above excellent advice to re-direct your planning, and your efforts will be more effective.

I do understand that our UA time is supposed to be alone and focused on each other but unfortunity this week is very sucky as far as my schedule and our best friends wedding. Witch I can not skip and I don't believe my wife would either as they are very good friends also.

I am very excited to have fun with her at the rehearsal diner and wedding. She has picked out two dresses that make her look stunning.

Did you ask her?

Then what is your UA plan for next week?

Good question.

It concerns me that you are putting so much effort into your best friend's wedding when your own marriage is dying.

I have a 2:30 appointment with Steve Harley and have called twice so far and he is still unavailable. Excited to talk to him to get more guidance on how to continue to show my wife that I am dedicated to her and our recovery.

My wife wants to know what guarantee I can give her that I am going to follow the program and continue our recovery and not get comfortable and slack off. Any suggestions please!

Thanks,

KISS

My wife is very good friends with my buddy also. She has probably been closer and talked to him more then I have over the years then I have. Besides I'm the best man are you saying I shouldn't go?

She wants you to come up to her and say "hey guess what, I got a baby sitter for that 2-10pm so we're going out, but without the kids!".

In your original post on this thread, she was tired of being just a mom to your kids and wanted to be that girlfriend again. You had time to court other women but not her. So, it really is quite simple in that you need to take the bull by the horns and tell her that YOU want to do things with her and only her, at this/that time.

Do you see the irony in finding time to support your friend's wedding yet struggling to find the time for your own? I'm not saying to skip the dinner - I'm suggesting that this is how the pattern will be viewed.

That the question hasn't come to mind before indicates that you take some things for granted.

SHE'S TELLING YOU WHAT'S WRONG!

The time you are not working, you are with kids, you are with your best friend, she's just a SIDE ACCESSORY to these activities and not the main focus!

She's asking you to date her again! And you don't! So yes, she's giving up.

Just got done with my session with Steve it was deffinitly worth the wait. As you get the feeling of I can do this. Also the guidance and know how. I will update some of the info later.


THANKS,
KISS

Please do.

In addition to the shortage of UA time, there is also a catastrophic lack of POJA in your M. I doubt RQ is going to be willing to change much on her end at this point, since she's already asked you to move out. She likely won't be willing to invest until down the road, when she sees by your actions that you've already been investing plenty.

Even if you aren't successful in getting her participation, at least attempt to POJA everything. Maybe not using the restroom, but everything short of that. Taking the kids to the park? Run it through POJA. If she's not enthusiastic, don't do it. Going grocery shopping? POJA. Watching a TV show? Honestly, you don't have time for that right now.

My continuing hope for your M is based on you working hard, working smart (targeting the areas of highest EN and biggest LB's), and being willing to take a pretty large helping of rejection for quite some time, even for your best efforts.

This would have been a much easier path the first time around. RQ was tired and hurt, but willing to believe you would change. She's not so willing to believe that any more. You can still overcome that, with consistent work over time.

Posting here is one of your best resources for staying on track.

So we had our friends wedding rehearsal last night and everything was ok. I wish my wife was more involved in conversation though. I have had the same two best friends for the 15 years that we have been together.

All of us were going to go out after but my wife didn't feel like going out once we were getting ready to leave. So we went home and got the kids settled in their room. We told them that we were going to lock our selves in our bedroom so we can spend time together.

We played cards and talked for a while. I

Kiss, she doesn't want to have to tell you that she doesn't want to go out with everyone after, that she wants to go home with you. Do you realize this? I'm not sure you realize how much she is detaching right now, asking you to move out, and you are still not seeing that she needs YOU to say, "sorry everybody, I want to spend time with my wife instead", rather than for her to be bummed/upset and have to pry it out of you like a dentist pulling teeth.

You know what is the absolute worst feeling for a woman, particularly a mom who doesn't get much time alone with her husband? Feeling like you have to whine, cry, beg, withdraw, detach, in order for your husband to actually want to spend time with you. Nobody wants to feel like they have to do these things to get their spouse to actually want to be alone with them.

Do you understand that this is how she feels? That even though you eventually DID go home, the path to getting there was very hurtful and hardly impressive?

How would you feel if everyone was served dinner and you got table scraps at the end after complaining for it? Satisfying dinner?