MM, do you have the book Survivng an Affair? If not, I would get your hands on it tomorrow at the bookstore and read through it. It will help you understand what you are dealing with here.

Odds and Ends in response to posts:

My son gets about $600 from disability per month, not enough to live independently. Having Medicaid means whatever our private insurance doesn't cover, the state is supposed to pay. This entails a lot of work on my part though, lol.

I ordered the Surviving an Affair book earlier today so I guess it will be there when I get home next week.

I don't feel we had a clear enough discussion about the OW and NC because he was still denying and I still stupidly maintained hope he was telling the truth. He SWORE to his sister on their mother's life he had not and was not having an affair and that truly gave me pause, because the person he used to be would NEVER lie like that under such circumstances. I know it sounds silly of me.

My mother in law is already supportive but she is nonconfrontational and will likely just be mad and ignore him. ("he's just like his dad" is what she told my son) Now, I have two Sisters in law that ae very in your face. The younger one cheated on her husband and told me flat out she believes her brother's a cheater. She has already been trying to call him but he is not talking. If I can get the hard proof, the older sister will be my staunchest supporter and advocate. She is likely going to kill him for lying to her "on their mother's life". In fact, she already told him she would kill him if she learned he was lying. They are really close. After the weirdness Friday she got really mad and told me to go to NO CONTACT and see how he liked that.

Both Sisters in law have said if they were here they would follow him, confront her, etc. So if I have real proof they are the way to go. The younger sister who cheated on and left her husband says it was the worst mistake and biggest regret of her life and they didn't even have kids.

I think when I get home, he will contact me in some way. I will get a chance to be sweet as pie. he cannot seem to cut off from me either. IDK if that's good or bad. But at the least I will call him to see if he plans to go to counseling because if not I need to cancel so we don't get billed. I won't be doing anymore texting with him though because the possibility of miscommunication is too great, especially with OW posing as him and stirring up trouble.

I hope you really will be able to help after I get the proof. I want to be the one with the sig line saying "happily recovered".

Thanks,
MM

I would cancel the counseling because it will be a waste of time as long as there is an affair. And can actually be destructive when there is a hidden affair. We have had so many waywards tell lies to counselors and the unwitting counselor would only serve to validate the wayward.

I see alot of hope with your inlaws. When you get the goods, we will help you strategize your exposure so that you ask these inlaws to contact the OW personally. This will be very effective if they contact that skank and tell her she will never be welcome in their family. That will ruin the future of the affair for her.

But please gather all the information I outlined above so you can be prepared when you have the evidence in hand.

Also, please explain your living conditions to me. If your husband leaves that job, is your home in another town? IT would be best if he is away from the town the OW lives in. How could that work?

And when you get the goods on him, we can help you confront him before you go into Plan B.

Could you influence her to call skanky and tell her she will NEVER darken her doorstep? Would she be willing to do that for you and your kids? We have had many parents run off the cheaters.

What different types of surveilance is your PI going to do?

Keep this in your back pocket for now but there may come a time when you again suspect you are texting OW and not your husband that you can slip in one or more of the following:

1. Thanking your WH for the great sex last night (or last week or whenever you last saw him).

2. Saying something like..."I'll have time to sex-skype again later tonight"

3. "I'm sorry I didn't say 'I love you" back earlier today"

4. "If you are even thinking about having sex with that tramp you better wear a condom or you'll give her herpes too"

5. "Honey, I know you promised to be home by Labor Day but after last night (last thursday...whatever), can't you just come home early???"

6. "As we discussed in length last night/week/thurs/whatever...I know you are confused and can't imagine life without your family, without me and that OW is just temporary thing in your life but I can't sit by forever sharing you with another woman. It's getting time to end this game. It's not fair to OW nor your family"

7. whatever misinformation you can conceive of to make her question herself or her relationship with your WH.


One thing about OW (and OM's) they KNOW that their affair partner is a lying cheat and they inherently don't trust them. How could they? Like these two most haven't known each other long at all. OW's greatest threat to getting her man is you. She fears you and any information you can leak to her will make her further question her relationship and make her behave more desperate and crazy towards your WH. Acting like you, too, are an insider to your WH's heart, mind and soul is shot to the OW who thinks only she is his soulmate schmoopie. Plus...when he denies it...she won't trust him enough to believe him.


I'm so glad you are here. Divorcebusters used to have a group of fairly good posters (none as good as here...lol) recommending exposure but they were all banned two years ago. Exposure may or may not work for you but it's the greatest weapon a BS spouse has and you've got 5 kids hoping you can pull this off. Expose him...and the faster he hits rock bottom the better your chances of recovery become.


Welcome to MB and Godspeed,

Mr. Wondering

I had no idea that MrW was capable of such underhandedness...

Good morning. I am sorta a nervous wreck. I think I maybe slept three hours last night, and now I'm at McDonald's again.

Thank you all for the support and input.

Regarding various posts... I just emailed the PI I plan to go with concerning more methodology and asking will he be disclosing OW and her mate's contact info, etc. I talked to PI on phone and through email yesterday and felt good about it but I will see what he says.

LOVE what MrW suggested. The night I thought it was her I DID do a little something like that, forwarding back saved texts WH had written professing love, saying kind things about me, blah-blah-blah.

I went into my husband's Facebook. I had previously, before he left me, gone into his profile in a rage and blocked OW off his list, but yesterday I unblocked and today was able to see some of her stuff. I copied her whole friend list and saved it for exposure day. More pics of her. WHAT DOES HE SEE IN THIS WOMAN? Gag.

Like, I said, I cannot see my mother in law calling and confronting ANYONE. Best bet will be older Sis in Law, but ONLY if this Investigator comes through with the proof because my husband has Sis in Law snookered. My step father in law likely would be willing to try, but is also likely to be ineffective as that is just his general nature.

Last night my daughter found a voice recorded message on my husband's old cell phone, from April. Daughter thought it was him professing love to me, and saying he was truly sorry and wishing we could be together. Judging by date I think it was for OW, but I have no idea why he recorded it on phone. That was right when OW went to a different work shift and he started getting super weird. IDK, it makes me mad.

I am scared. I am also wondering is it really worth even TRYING with a man who would do this and doesn't care about me or respect me, trying to get him to come to his senses. Are there articles that address this? Would it be easier to take my hurt and walk away from such poor treatment, or is it better to try to recover and salvage all our lives together? SO hurt and scared by the length and depth of his lies and actions.

My living situation: My husband and I lived with our 3 youngest kids in the town where he works. He has been in this town one year. Me and kids finally got here in JANUARY due to his delaying. Kids are 20, 12, and 9. 20yo has rare pulmonary vascular disease, heart failure, and autism spectrum disorder. I have homeschooled the kids and been a SAHM all their lives. OW lives in a neighboring town 13 miles away but works where my husband does.

My husband moved out July 19th, after a fight about OW on his facebook and he would not delete her despite the trouble and also said he reserved the right to go to her sister's house alone whenever he wanted. He had also told me there were no PMs with her on FB, but I found them. Not sexual but there after he denied them. Plus, looked like a big chunk of PMs missing.

That day my older son had called and told me he and another family member had seen the pics of OW in WH's office and WH had introduced OW to them and acted suspicious. This confirmed what my 20yo son had said about the pictures, although my older son knew nothing about that. WH denied pics in his office. Said he was moving out, I was trying to control him, had already lined up place to stay with "workmate", blah-blah. Was tired of being falsely accused, he always came home to my bed, wasn't sleeping around but he'd let me know when he was so I could divorce him scripturally. (I am a by-the-book Christian who believes divorce with possibility of remarriage is only on grounds of adultery. Which he knows. I had previously told him I could forgive anything, even that, and I thought I almost had a confession that day, but he chickened out.)

Also, that day I went to my gyno (due to cheating suspicions and other symptoms I had. Plus, hearing the OW is a ho/skank) and was told I had an infection, possibly chlamydia. Turned out not to be but she put me on antibiotics before she got the test results back, and I hope I scared the crap out of that sorry man!

All that to say I felt justified in being suspicious about the woman on his facebook.

Yes, I will want help with the confronting before full-fledged Plan B. Unless I decide to just let this be a blessing and be free. I don't know what to do. If he'd do this to us, am I looking a gift horse in the mouth if I get proof of adultery? I just don't know. I don't want to sacrifice all our years and family over 1 year and this horrible decision!!!

I can't remember what else I was asked. I'll keep checking back as much as I can.

Thank you all so much again.

MM

Anybody out there this morning?

Should I TRY to contact him after all? How can I be a charming Plan A-er if there is no contact? Of course I am out of town right now. Wondering if that was a bad idea, but I had some business with my son out here and needed to do it anyway. Also it allows time this weekend for the PI to find something.

Let him stew? Give him a call? IDK.

I'm reading some old threads and seeing similarities to my sitch, trying to learn from other's experiences.

HELP!!!

Feels like I'm spinning my wheels.

MM

mm, I have been here and have read your post, but I must leave now. I promise I'll be back later today.

Thank you, SugarCane. I really appreciate it. Still waiting to hear back from PI about my Qs. It's still early in his time zone though.

My son's girlfriend tried talking to WH on facebook last night. She was super disgustingly sweet to him, saying how sad we were he could't get off work to come for this visit (huh?) and how we loved him and how I talked about him nonstop about all our memories (not exactly true!) And naturally at that point he quit responding.

My son also talked very briefly to WH and WH just asked if he had told my younger kids to call him? Son told WH how my daughter was crying and had said if we'd never moved she would still have her daddy. (true tale) WH just said, "Oh." But my son said maybe it hurt him. IDK. He doesn't seem concerned about me this week. I think OW gave him ultimatum last week after I came out to see WH at his work. IDK. It hurts. I hate him. I love him. I think.

MM

Hi MM. MB says that waywards are identical to addicts. That is how you need to start thinking of your WH. He is an addict. Your old DH is still in there and MB will give you the best shot at getting him back.

It's too bad that you will not get the book until next week. In the meantime click on the "how to survive infidelity" link to the right and start reading from the beginning. Things will start to make sense to you. Dr. Harley really has the wayward mind figured out.

Keep trying to find that OW's husband and relatives. People who have influence on the waywards are your greatest exposure targets.

MM, that is his job. He needs to give you this information. Were you able to get the OW's husband and parents from her facebook list? Did you copy and paste the contacts into a document for safekeeping so your husband will never find it?



Your marriage has just as much chance as anyone else's for recovery, MM. You might decide you want a divorce, but you don't have to make that decision today. I would go through the motions of saving your marriage but keep your options open. Whether or not you decide to save it, you will want to do everything to kill the affair so your kids are not subjected to the OW in the future.

dec

Not sure from where you are deriving your assessment. I am an attorney by training and have practiced labor and employment law for over 25 years. I was my company�s �resident expert� on sexual harassment until I was promoted into a senior management role in our Compliance organization (I work for a VERY large, international company) and regularly participate in professional forums that do benchmarking. While, technically, affairs in the workplace do present risks that one of the affair partners or another employee in the workplace being exposed to offensive behavior by the affair partners may file a sexual harassment charge with the EEOC, local agencies or even a lawsuit, most employers DO NOT terminate simply out of fear of potential harassment claims - even when the relationship is between a supervisor and subordinate. If the relationship is between a supervisor and subordinate, most employers change the reporting relationship and nothing more out of concerns about sexual harassment risk exposure strictly because of the affair.
What DOES motivate employers more than potential sexual harassment claims is if the affair partners are using company time and company resources to perpetuate the affair (in other words, �stealing� from the company).
While termination is definitely an option depending on the employer, in my 25 plus years of experience working in this field, employees usually are disciplined or have their reporting lines adjusted UNLESS, in addition to having an affair, they are doing something else that is a violation of company policies.

I don't want to tie up this poster's thread with a debate. As a practicing attorney for over 24 years, we advise termination. By leaving the "predator" at the company as the lawsuit complaint says encouraged the corporate environment that "fosters" a culture of sexual harassment, and the complaint goes on, and on and on. And of course we include nothing in the employee manuals that prohibit sex between peers, it is always the use of company property or a violation of the sexual harassment policy as cause for termination. And we have never had to defend a client on a peer to peer because it is never pled that way. The OW is a victim of the corporate culture or otherwise was not an 'equal' peer.

This poster was advised only of the possibilities, and she should be aware of that before firing off letters to her WH's employer who is the families' sole financial support. In our jurisdiction the WH would also be a named defendant with personal liability 'if' a lawsuit followed. She should be made aware of that also.

I don't want to (and was told cannot) debate on this matter for this poster further. Let's move on.

MM,
I'm so glad you weren't scared off by the off-track debating yesterday. You are in great hands with the current posters, they will take you step by step through the process, just make sure to follow what they're telling you w/o procrastination. Getting right on things is of the essence. There are a lot of stories on here and after a while you notice a lot of commonalities...waywards seem to read from the same script. They act like aliens but there is every possibility of reclaiming that old person through MB process.

I'd get ready for exposure and be working on a Plan B letter...when is your appt. with your attorney? When do you get back home?

Are you still checking in, mm?

Not since yesterday morning on here. I am still not sure what I want to do about exposing at work after reading the above. Checked bookstores for the book, nobody had it but said they could order it. I BUT...

Within minutes of me sending contract and payment to Private Investigator... a lot is going on. It sounds crazy. Could be more than one OW, but he is right where I thought he was, with who I thought it was, acting like he lives there and she does too. At her sister's house. It sounds much worse than I guessed. It's right across from my friend's house. was gonna fill in blow by blow but stuff is happening.

Will try to post later.
MM

MM, please pay close attention to BritsBrats post as she is a corporate attorney who specializes in this field. She has been on this board for YEARS. It helps to look at registration dates to determine one's bona fides and experience with exposure.

Please keep us updated so we can help you through this.

Good morning madmomma. I am glad you have hired a PI and are trying to get all the information you can. Your H. is not the H you once knew. He is disrespecting you and your marriage to his selfish gain. Stay strong. You don't deserve this and shouldn't have to be dealing with it in your life!! So, be strong and ready to do whatever it takes to end his affair so you both can work on your marriage, or to kick his bum to the curb so you don't have to be exposed to his waywardness and selfishness.