You are on the right track, but I have to hasten to add:

DON'T keep doing what you are doing. You are missing the magical fifteenth hour. And you are engaging in enemies of good conversation.

If you keep doing this, you will not recover.

You need more than just time. You need some changes, too. Some of these changes may seem awkward or unnatural because you are not in the habit of them, or unfair because you are hurting.

BUT

the reward is a recovered marriage and a happy life. And you will find that the awkwardness, the unnaturalness, and any feeling of unfairness goes away.

That is the key. Focus on the new DW...force yourself to think of specific things that she is doing to keep you safe. If there is anything else still out there that you need her to do then let her know.


I personally had a tough time with holidays and anniversaries. Keep away from the card aisle. They are full of crap that will just trigger you. Write your own card or buy blank ones until you get past the resentment/anger phase.


Have faith 20years...it gets better. Better than you ever thought possible...but it takes time and you have to follow the MB Plan.

ETA: Marcos is right. Stop being your own worst enemy...MB helped me to recognize that too.

Let me tell you a secret about good conversation: it's not just for her, it's for you.

The fact is, you want and need a companion that you can talk to. If you look at Dr. Harley's Love Bank Inventory (the test he administers to see if people are really in love or not), one of the questions on it is "I enjoy telling him/her my deepest and most private experiences."

And if you watch a man in an affair, the way it typically starts out is he has someone he enjoys talking to.

I heard Dr. Harley answer a letter once from a girl whose boyfriend was falling out of love with her. He told her to STOP sleeping with him; she was under the impression that she was meeting his most important emotional need (SF) and couldn't figure out why he wasn't in love with her any more. Dr. Harley said that he would fall in love with the woman that he could talk to.

For this to work, of course, the conversation has to be enjoyable for both husband and wife. That will motivate you both to have a lot of it. Make it a part of the most enjoyable part of your week.

So much good advice here... and it is all spot on!

I don't have anything to add except to say that yes, 20, this is all part of the process of recovery. You MUST go through it and not around it. You also must make sure you are implementing everything in the program - and THEN, give it time.

It will not work if you don't get the UA time in. It will not work if you talk about the past.

You do have to learn to trust yourself again, as well as your wife. It's normal for that to come and go in this whole process - along with the anger and hurt. Just make sure you aren't taking it out on your wife when you have those down moments. It may feel like she deserve it - but it will not help you heal.

Get that UA time in - dream about the future. That will help get over the past.

Thank you all for your posts. I agree I must do more during our UA time to make it more enjoyable. Plus more of an effort to get over 15hrs/wk. I will focus on this.

Most of the time UA is very good indeed. W just ordered 5 steps to romantic love workbook. We are anxious to see what it involves.

Staying in the 'now' has been a process and is getting much better. As stated before, it has been a balance for me in communicating what is going on with me 'now' and not relating it into the past while using RA.

The part of 'friends of conversation' is something I want to continue to be more cognizant of.

Much work to be done! One of the big things which is getting better is feeling safe to become more vunerable to the M. W is doing much to ease my fears (with your guidance). Definetely a factor in enjoying UA time for me.

Thank you all and keep the advice coming. Very helpful.

Aren't we all typically our own worst enemy? I know I am!

Thank you.

Ok 20years. I had to think about that one and my answer is no. It is not typical.


I think that people who are their own worst enemy fall into two categories:

1. Those who do NOT recognize it and spend their life trying to figure out why everything is so hard. I bet you know a few people like this.

2. Those who DO recognize that they are their own worst enemy but for whatever reason do nothing to stop it.

Agree on both points 1 and 2, Poker. Yes, most of us probably know many people that either are in denial or are cognizant of their realities but don�t take action to make life better.

In both my professional and personal experiences in life, it seems like there is an overwhelming percentage of people tend to dwell on the negative aspects of life. As I have gotten older and wiser, I now tend to gravitate to those who are likeminded that focus on solutions not problems; Those who are optimistic and look at the brighter side of life.

Would you not agree that the reasons most people who are successful both professionally and personally have created it themselves? They have made the right decisions and choices which has allowed them the greatest odds for success.

I would also go as far as to say the opposite is also true as well.

Looking back over the last 2 years, I have really grown as a person. I do believe most people are their own worst enemy but also believe that with awareness, we can become our own best friend.

WW was definitely her own worst enemy but slowly becoming her best allie.

SIL? Own worst enemy!

Been doing much thinking concerning our 2 dear children; 7 and 5.

Exposure was done after dday #1 but not to the children.

They were told that mommy and daddy have been having problems we are trying to resolve at no fault of their own.

After dday #2, I thought our M was indeed over and I told them that our family would not be the same and mommy/daddy would not be seeing each other anymore. This was before she moved back in in Feb 2012.

After mommy moved back in, we spoke with them some stating that we were a whole family once again.

At the time, I did not have MB as a guide.

At 7mo's into R, even though the children are very happy and normal, I struggle what we should or should not do at this stage.

I have read much about exposure to the chidren.

20Year, I would just tell them straight out what happened, and tell them that you have gotten help and are working together to rebuild your relationship, and that everything is going to be okay!

Age appropriate: Mom had a boyfriend and married women don't have boyfriends nor do married men have girlfriends.

Mom had a boyfriend, it was wrong, daddy would accept that.

Up down Up down goes the recovery rollercoaster.

My need for total and complete transparency and FWW inability to do so continues to haunt me.

Small details like correspondence with our DD�s teacher concerning issues at school I am not told about, text messages with my mom that I am not told about.

1 step forward, 2 steps back. LB withdraws. This sucks.

20years. You state yourself that these are small details...so don't make it into something big. And don't allow yourself to blame every problem on the affair.

Your response to these small details is very important. I remember hiding a few small things from my own DH because I knew it would start an explosion of irrational anger. Does this happen in your household?

Why are you upset that she texted your mom?

Have you signed up for coaching with the Harley's yet?

20, how many hours of UA time have you logged this week?

These sound more like POJA issues than transparency to me. The problem is not that you are not being told, but that your enthusiastic agreement is not being sought. I would approach it from that angle.

Not upset at all that she is texting my mom. In fact, I think it is great as I want them to rebuild their relationship. That is not the issue.

No anger on my part and I am not blaming everything on the A.

I do not like surprises anymore. A large part of my ability to move forward with R hinges on her total transparency. I mean about everything. This is not negotiable.

See, during the A and FR, things were certainly off in our relationship but generally, everthing was really normal day to day. However, many things were happening behind my back which of course I did not know. This included texting, emailing and FB talk.

Fast forward to today, for me to feel safe at this stage, I want to be made aware of basically everything. No surprises. None. Not even what is for dinner.

I found that W was emailing our DD's teacher concerning a small issue at school a couple days ago and I was not told about it.

Set back my trust as I expect everything to be shared. Period. This is what we agreed upon and I am not bending.

This is what we discussed and I agree to an extent. As I said, I have no issue that she is discussing things with the teacher or my mom. None at all.

I just want to be told. I found the emails to the teacher on my own and my mom told me about their text exchange.

Found out on my own. Just like I found out about the A and FR.
On my own. I am extremely sensitive to her being proactive bringing things forward vs. me having to find out on my own.

She said she is going to focus on being more proactive sharing things. So, I am cool with that.

Is it a big deal that she emailed the teacher and texted my mom without telling me? Subject matter, absolutely not. However, my mind says 'hey, if she can't share the small things, what happens if an EP is broken? Would she tell me?"

We will see.

So did you tell her that you want to know?

What did she say?

About 8 so far. I was super tired this week with allergies and work. Just wanted to sleep after the kids went to bed.

My excuses are weak. I know. Thinking about going to the dr. to discuss why my energy levels have been so low.

Yes. No issue with me bringing forward things that are important to me.

She said she is going to really focus on being proactive with information. I really think these things just slipped her mind. Which I do understand.

Moving forward, she said she would try to shoot me a quick text like 'hey, don't let me forget to tell you about X". Or get a notepad etc. to help her remember.


However, we agreed to share EVERYTHING so, we need to share everything.

It is just so exhausting policing her. I can't do this forever. I hate finding out things on my own. I just want her to be proactive.

We have discussed it with POJA and seem to be on the same page.

Again, we will see.