It's been long time. I spent the last two years getting divorced and trying to weather that storm. For those of you who vaguely remember, my XW sprung the whole divorce thing on me in October of 2010 and I was supposed to transfer with the Coast Guard the following summer. Lots of things happened in between here and there but the short of it was this:

I had originally asked her to reconsider but a pivotal argument where she stated that she had pretended to be a good Christian wife, etc, etc and she was tired of pretending led to me essentially giving up. I told her I was no longer interested in delaying a divorce on Christmas eve of that year. But we agreed to wait until after transferring (me to St Louis and her following) before executing the divorce. In the mean time while under the same roof, she started sleeping around with pretty much everyone she could and very likely, she had before as well. The transfer happened in June of 2011 which was the "separation" point and the divorce was finalized in March of 2012. I have 50/50 primary custody of the kids but am paying pretty hefty child support for the privilege. Because of this, my means have decreased quite a bit but I can still provide a nice life for the kids. My XW is doing her thing and wants to be "friends." Gross.

I started a new relationship too quickly and a long distance one at that which has just recently ended in rather spectacular fashion due to dishonesty (hers, not mine). So as I look back at the wreckage of my marriage and the relationship that followed, I just wonder what is next? I try and focus on positives like doing very well in the classes I'm taking and that I should be able to start a new Masters program next summer as well as having a plan to becoming financially well off (I kept all of my military retirement in the divorce but ate all the debt). But... I'm lonely. I know I need to be lonely for a while but I'm having a hard time accepting that. So... what now then? Where am I supposed to go from here? Thoughts, opinions and comments are as always, very welcome.



Travis

Thanks for the update Travis. Sorry for your pain.

So are you in Plan B even in D?
Do you do parallel parenting while in D?

Have you read Dr. Harley's advice about dating 30 people so you can find the correct one? Choosing the Right one To Marry

Also have you read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders? Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

What new hobbies have you started or doing for yourself? What things are you doing for yourself to heal from all this?

How are your kids doing?

Brain, no, I'm not currently doing a Plan B. The ex and I speak to coordinate schedules and payment of childcare. That's really about it. She wants to talk to me about other things but I've made to clear she's not a my friend and I'm therefore not down with non-kiddo-business conversations.

Parallel parenting is a wonderful thing and yes I do do that. I take care of all the doctor appointments, the school stuff, etc. It's great having the ability to stay the person who takes care of the kids, even if it's given the ex the ability to be the "fun mom." That has led to issues with homework, discipline, etc since that stuff isn't done at her place but the kids and I are making it work. I've had several conversations about personal responsibility and getting work done even if I'm not there to tell them to do it. It's been a struggle with my 9yo but the other two are thriving.

I've heard the "date 30 people" thing before on here but never really paid much attention to it. It was just so far in the future for me that I didn't worry. Except that now it's not in the future, it's now. This scares me. I didn't do well at the dating thing the first time around and this last relationship right out the gate was a train wreck that I never should have taken part in. I will read that article shortly though as well as pick up a copy of buyers, renters and freeloaders.

I've been lifting weights off and on. I've been pushing hard finishing up my BA. I've been... not much else. Some days I'm so busy staying afloat at work, at home and in my head that I don't have time for anything else. Others, I find myself sitting on my couch looking at the wall wondering how everything ended up this way. I think I need better time management and planning skills. And a new hobby. Maybe. lol

The kids are actually doing ok. They were quite upset the first few weeks after I told them about the divorce. They cried a few times over the following few months but most of their fear was that they wouldn't ever see one of us ever again. After they were reassured that that wouldn't happen, they were much better. I think their ability to be so OK with the divorce is a testament to their resiliency as well as to the unhealthy nature of my relationship with my ex. They seem happier. I dealt with school problems with my 9yo throughout the last year and the teachers say that they know when he's at his mothers because he doesn't do any homework on those days; that makes me sad and just a bit angry. But... we're working through it and it's a good teaching opportunity for him to develop personal responsibility. The lesson just hasn't stuck yet... lol

Travis

Well, friend you sound like you're on the right path. The dating thing is definitely an interesting thing. I wish I would've heeded the advice of the 2 year mark, but that was me.

Also have you researched the blended family aspect of the new dating? Boy that is another whole other ball of wax.

Blended families have less of a succesful rate. Dr. Harley has some excellent shows on it. It takes an excellent grasp of POJA.

Have you read opt's after divorce thread? It's an excellent read.
Opt's after divorce thread

I did just hear on the radio show that Dr. Harley read that kids do as well as in a single father raised home as a a both parent house hold compared to a single mother even though the courts mostly give sole custody to mothers. Interesting. I will find it for you.

Stay the course and stay on MB to help you with your personal growth and healing.

Here it is: MATERIAL REFERENCED: Fatherless America by David Blankenhorn

Dr. Harley's Radio Clip on Fatherless America Study at 7:20 Mark

If the school officials have observed that your ex wife is neglecting their school homework you have grounds for asking for more custody.
Have you considered this?

TC! I remember you and I'm glad you're doing well under the circumstances. I hope you'll hang around and maybe even lend an ear to some folks going through the divorce process. Lots of people could benefit from your experience and you have a very clear writing style.

We don't hear from Limbo much anymore, and Linus peeks in once in a while. Do you remeber Schtoop? He's in a relationship and sounds like with a nice woman. Hopefully he'll drop in to say "hi."

TC, EVERYBODY has a train wreck relationship after the divorce is final. It's like the divorce drains every ounce of sense out of your head. I don't know the extent of the trauma, but I would expect with some distance and perspective you'll eventually chalk it up to "whatever" and just learn from the experience. As long as the kids weren't exposed to anything negative I wouldn't worry about it a bit.

If you're serious about a new hobby to take up some free time, I would only suggest to do something you like to do, hopefully in a somewhat social environment. You WILL meet someone, probably lots of women eventually...it's just a matter of time and you being ready for it. I think you're smart to spend some time on education and building up your financial situation for a while.

I got involved in serious relationship before I expected to; I was just looking for some companionship when I met my fiance, Nature Girl. One thing that surprised me during the first year of our dating was the impact of the change in my financial situation after divorce. Fortunately NG is very much NOT a material girl, and we've been very happy being poor together. But looking back, the time I could have spent on my own (prior to dating) could have been spent to get a better sense of just what the net monthly income means to my lifestyle.

Your kids are lucky to have you. They will greatly benefit from your stucture and dependability.

~optimism

Brain - I don't know how much I'll wait before I take a crack at the dating thing. I know I'm not really ready to dive into it yet; I know that but at the same time, I long for the possibility of meaningful companionship. I just don't want to seek it because I have to as I'm now wary of the consequences to that.

I do know all about step-children as I had two that I raised to adulthood. So I understand how trying that dynamic can be. I'm very leery of the blended family situation from the aspect of both partners having one or more children; that would be a new one for me. So many ways that sort of situation could go wrong and I applaud anyone who can make it work! I have read Opt's thread and he is my hero; his and NG's ability to work MB principles into their relationship from almost the beginning is so inspirational.

Hey, thanks for that article and the kind words, I appreciate it! If you don't mind a question from me, why do you wish you had waited two years to begin dating?

Travis

I have. I'm keeping track of this and if it becomes a trend across multiple school years, it will be a possibility in the future. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing by the kids and that may or may not be more custody. I'm playing that one by ear still.

Opt - Thanks for the kind words, they mean a lot. I do remember schtoop and I'm glad he and you are both doing well. I've kept up with your thread throughout the last year and a half; I'm very glad you're happy and found the relationship you want with NG! Congratulations!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who lost all sense of situational awareness after the divorce and I'm very happy that the only damage that it did was to me, not the children. I'm extremely protective of them and I don't want them exposed to anyone other than my future partner, if there is such a person out there. I think they deserve nothing less. In this particular case, the woman I was seeing was being dishonest and that was a absolute deal breaker for me. I think I need to sit down and have an honest conversation with myself on what my deal breakers are as this is not something I want to figure out on the fly. I don't know when I'm going to get back on the horse and try dating again but I want to be ready for when I'm ready.

I think the hard part is going to be figuring out when that is. Is that in a month, six months or a year? How do you know? And... how do you find someone willing to use MB principles? It just all seems so daunting considering how badly the last relationship and my marriage ended.

I am enjoying being financially independent. It is stressful because there is less of everything with a hefty child support payment. But... There's no one else to wreck my financial world either so it's a pretty decent trade. My lifestyle has decreased but not massively. I'll be good to go money wise in a few years once all the debt is paid off.

Thanks again for the reply Opt, I'm glad to be back and look forward to posting relatively often.

Travis

I don't mind the question at all.

I think the 2 years is a good time frame to help yourself heal and if and when you do start dating it will give you a good balance to date many people.

I like Dr. Harley's advice to date many people to get the contrast effect. Boy if you date that many you would definitely weed out the wheat from the chaff. I did date quite a bit.

I wish I would've spent more time on healing me.
Stay around.

tc thanks for coming back for the update! I remember you and your story, and thought it was really cool how you got up to speed so quickly and helped others with really good insight into their situations. I'm glad your kids are doing well.

My kids are doing the 50 50 custody too, I wish kid could have two involved parents like that. They have that really strong bond with their dad too.

As far as the dating thing goes, it'll happen when it happens. I wasn't 100% yet but I met a wonderful guy on an online dating site in April and we've been together ever since. So I know it's possible, just hang in there. You're an awesome person and folks will see that.

TC, I would wait 2 years before considering dating. I dated almost immediately after my divorce was final and all it did was cause more stress in my life. It took me a while to figure out that dating was the last thing I needed at the time and then I took a LONG break from it. Heck, I still very seldom go on dates because I am either working, spending time with my kids, or pursuing hobbies.

When dating is low on your priority list, then you are ready to date!

Hi TC, I'm in a similar situation as you, not so much from a timing point of view, but from a "what do I do now" point. AGoodGuy has been giving me some good advice about the need for alone time after divorce. It's a tough pill to swallow because I'm a relationship person, I like being in a relationship. Sounds like you might be that way too. I'm in one now, but sometimes I wish I had taken some time before meeting her.

Rules of thumb I've heard are anywhere from 1-2 years. I've read in these forums that Dr. Harley recommends 2 years. I've also heard that if there was a lot of fighting in your marriage prior to the divorce, or if your divorce was very bitter, it takes longer than if not. I think rules of thumb are good guidelines, but it's really up to you to decide when you're centered again.

I've spent a lot of time the last few months reading articles on this website, and they're very good. Reading them 2 and 3 times is helpful, and I wish I had known during my marriage what I'm learning now. When I've shared articles with my girlfriend, I say something like: "hey, I read an interesting article from the Marriage Builders website on blended families. Would you like to read it with me?" She always says yes, and we'll read it together. One of us reads out loud to the other, and that works well for us, rather than each of us reading silently to ourselves. She's very busy with 2 kids, so I'm the one proactively pushing MB. I gave her 2 or 3 MB books for her birthday. I'd recommend trying something like that once you find someone with potential and see how she responds. You'll know if she's willing.

I, too, exercise as a way of therapy. Although I need it and do it grudgingly, I'm not a big fan of the weight-room. I prefer outside acitivites such as running and cycling. Getting out on the open road, or trail running in the woods is very therapeutic, gives me time to think about things.

Good luck with everything, and nice to meet you.

Hey NED, good to hear from you! Thanks for the kind words, I remember you as well and always thought you were the voice of calm and moderation. :-) I'm glad you're doing well with your new guy. Glad you're happy!

I agree that the 50/50 thing is really beneficial for the kiddos as long as both parents are involved. My XW is less involved but not enough to the point where the custody schedule is detrimental to them. I know in three years I'm going to transfer out of St Louis and the custody fight will happen. I'm just glad the kids and I get to avoid that for a while. They're doing really well.

I don't know if I'm going to wait two years or not as BHINWI suggested. You're right, it'll happen when it happens and I'll be ready when I'm ready. I just wish I was more patient, you know? I want to be ok and ready for the next step in my life, whatever that may be. I'm not used to be adrift like this. It's strange. :-)

Travis

TC,

Sure glad you got through the divorce, and sorry you had a train wreck relationship out the gate. I guess we all have to endure some of that..... my divorce was final 9 Jan 12, kids grown so dating is a little easier for me to do, except for that pesky waiting period....... Was working hard to get to my 30 different dates, made it to 7 and got stuck. The train wreck may be on the way but for now I am enjoying her company.

Keep your head up, I've been smiling everyday since I got D. such a relief to be free of that disaster.

SC

SC,

Good to hear from you! Glad you're doing well with your new relationship; it certainly doesn't have to a be a train wreck my friend. I'm just glad you're smiling. :-)

My train wreck just won't go away... the exGF just won't leave me be. I think my thinking has solidified more and more over the last few days that I need to take time for me and for the kids. School, fitness and the kids needs to be my focus for a while. I still don't know how long, but I'm not ready for another relationship, especially since my first one out the gate was a liar just like the XW. I need to figure out why that is.

I hope everyone had a great weekend; mine was pretty decent. Went on a movie date with my daughter to see Brave. She loved it and it was a cute movie. All around one of the better "dates" I've been on. She sat in my lap and laid her head on my shoulder with her arms around me for most of the movie. That's a girl that loves the snot out of me just the way I am. :-)

Travis

I took my kids to see brave too ;

TC, I wondered that too, why the guys I dated at first had some negative qualities in common. I wondered if it was something about me that picked these folks. But no I think it was just that my standards were too low, that I kept saying yes to the next date even after I saw the red flags. I think all you have to do is raise the bar, and then you can nip it in the bud. Then you'll still be available when the right one comes around. And like you said, you can't beat watching a movie with the kids These times don't last so it's great you're taking the time to enjoy them.

It's been a busy week. I'm a watch supervisor for a medium size Coast Guard call center here in St Louis and I'm back on watch babysitting my junior personnel and contractors. Shift work stinks! Oh well, at least I'm not on nights. I'm the watch schedule coordinator so I at least make sure that my watches match with my custody schedule. So... whenever I'm not on watch, I have the kids. That alone keeps me busy and they're starting back to school mid-way through next week.

I'm also starting another class on Monday so I expect I'm going to be pretty busy with school work again very shortly. The one thing I haven't really nailed down was recreational time which has mainly been working out and doing things with the kids. Since I know I need to get out and do things on my own for once in my life, I'm going to give that a whirl. So tonight after watch is over, I'm hitting up The King and I at the MUNY here in St Louis. I have yet to see a musical (other than Cats) live even though I love them and have been watching them since I was a small child (The King and I, Fiddler on the Roof, My Fair Lady, Singing in the Rain, etc). So.... I thought it was time to get off my bottom cheeks and go do something different. Hope everyone else has a great weekend and a wonderful evening!

Travis