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It appears that BH's that never got the whole truth about the affair still looks for answers to their questions about their WW affair. Whether it's 10, 20, or 30 years later.
However I don't see the same level of truth searching from BW's as many years post dday.
What are you views on the differences between BW and BH?
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Betrayed wives tend to get all the information up front; betrayed husbands don't.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, almost every betrayed husband here who still looks for answers years later is not in recovery. [which is a redundant comment because one of the FIRST STEPS of recovery is getting ALL truth out]
MOST simply, absolutely REFUSE to take steps to recover their marriage so they end up thinking about it year after year after year.
Like Harley says, if the PRESENT is not happy, one tends to stay stuck in the past.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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There it is right here: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. here
If a spouse still has questions years later, it means they didn't take one of the first steps. Like Harley says "even small deviations are disastrous!" Yessiree!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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A mans ego is a fragile thing. I applaud those men that can get past it and reconcile after affair... I dont think I could do it.
I would expect that in the beginning the competitive side of man kicks in and then later once the woman has been won back, the more disturbing side of the ego takes over.
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I hammered and hammered until I had all the truth, plus alot I really didn't need to know, but asked anyway so I could be sure I was getting truth. There isn't anything more to know.
If my H had not changed to be an open and honest man, I would have divorced him. I would not have continued to be married to a liar.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I hammered and hammered until I had all the truth, plus alot I really didn't need to know, but asked anyway so I could be sure I was getting truth. There isn't anything more to know.
If my H had not changed to be an open and honest man, I would have divorced him. I would not have continued to be married to a liar.
AM Thanks for the response. How long post dday did it take for you to get the truth? I know that many BW hammer till they got the truth. It seems to me that the number/percentage of BH that never get the truth is much higher then for the BW. Is my assumption correct that BH's left in the dark never can rest for the long run and BW can.
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[
Is my assumption correct that BH's left in the dark never can rest for the long run and BW can. NO ONE who is left in the dark can recover, man or woman. They all struggle. Men tend to be more timid when it comes to getting all the facts.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"even small deviations are disastrous!" Yessiree!!
Sadly, it appears as true that in marital recovery exercises as in driving to unfamiliar destinations, men only occasionally request, rarely give credence to, and almost never completely follow, directions!
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"even small deviations are disastrous!" Yessiree!!
Sadly, it appears as true that in marital recovery exercises as in driving to unfamiliar destinations, men only occasionally request, rarely give credence to, and almost never completely follow, directions! I swear, men drive me crazy! (some would say that is not a long drive but that is a subject for another day  ) They are so overly concerned with upsetting their wives that they skip this step. And then they come back here 10 years later wondering why they never recovered!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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TheRoad,
D-day was April 2008. H trickle truthed for months. In the summer of 2009, he took and passed a polygraph, but still would not commit to future openness and honesty (because he still was a protective liar). In the fall of 2009, H contacted OW via email and phone. I gave H a list of conditions to stay with me, if he wanted to remain married. We attended an MB weekend at the end of Jan 2010. He unburdend his last lie Feb 6, 2010. He has been an honest man since then. He likes everything - himself, me, our marriage, life in general, much better now. He knew I would not stay with him if we did not recover the marriage and he knew that we could not recover the marriage without honesty. His actions made recovery unnecessarily long and stressful. He is hugely sorry for the pain he caused and the time we wasted.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Sometimes the WW just doesn't deliver the truth. After all, my XW, who was a WW, said she was sleeping with her OM during the depositions for the divorce still doesn't admit that she had an affair.
It could be a failure on the BH, or it could be WW denial. Of course, I could never advise a BH to stay with a WW who is unwilling to be 101% truthful, and proactively open and honest about all the details.
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