YES. Because the issue is not the 7 cents, but that they learn to resolve these types of conflicts.

While they had POJAd buying notebooks at Target, that deal is off the table for any reason if one spouse becomes unhappy with the decision. So even though they agree to buy notebooks at Target, they still have to enthusiastically agree on the choice when they get to the store.

That very same scenario played out in my lettuce example.

A decision made in the POJA is always up for renegotiation if one spouse becomes unhappy with that decision at any point. The negotiations should be started over.

A few things that I noticed. You two had agreed to get the notebooks at Target. He thought they were .10 cents each. My question is was it important to you to save .07 cents on each notebook? If it was, then I�d have worded it, �I think we can save a bit of money by getting them at Walmart. Would it be okay with you if we waited until we got to Walmart to buy them?� If it wasn�t the .07 cents each but a money amount total, then you could have asked, �they�re a bit more expensive than we anticipated. Would it be okay if we limited to only getting 8 of them?� This way you are expressing how you feel, and you are asking for his input. This is negotiating. You stated after that if he would have rather have gotten them at Target, it wasn�t a big deal. So if it wasn�t really a big deal if y�all got them at Target, then it wasn�t really worth bringing up.

You�re judging his point of view. He feels the way you are expressing yourself is demanding. How he feels and his viewpoint is not up to decide if it�s right or wrong. You are minimizing how he feels. What I would ask him is what about the way you are requesting or asking is coming across as demanding. I don�t think he�s viewing the conversations as safe or pleasant either.

On the music deal, there was no POJA, you informed your husband how the music listening was going to go down. Your husband wanted to listen to two songs. The better way to handle this would have been to ask him, �after you listen to your two songs, is it okay if our son listens to a song he wants?�

Of course his ripping the cord out and throwing it wasn�t okay. His angry responses are inappropriate. What I�m seeing is not a lot of POJA going on or negotiating. I�m seeing you telling him and informing him without getting his input. In other words, I see a lot of �we�re going to�� instead of �how would you feel if��

Hi Mel! This is such a great idea! I would love to go to the mailbox together...then I could quickly ditch the scanty female junk mail & hand him all the rest.

Your H asked a good question, and no, I don't have anything to hide. He has access to all my stuff: email, FB, journal, computer passwords, bank records. I am comfortable with him seeing it all (OK, but not THRILLED when he punishes me for stating my perspective, like in my journal when I said stuff like, "I'm starting to hate him"). All our banking is online & we look at the budget stuff together, and I haven't been on FB for a month. I'm fine to have him watch my stuff. meh.

I AM super-sensitive about him looking at other (scantily clad) females in public, on posters in stores, in the mail, in magazines, etc. This is a terrible issue for me. We've tried to address it using a code word, etc but I've 'caught him' so many times that my trust level for his behavior when he thinks 'she won't know' is NIL. Plus he's gotten really angry when I try to use the code word, and he tells me I'm being disrespectful by asking him to change his behavior. He said, "You don't trust me to handle myself. You're defaming my character." (when I've asked him to please not look at someone/something). It's a problem.

I'll never forget the time he made a big show of "NOT LOOKING" at a life-sized VS lingerie poster in the window. He opened my car door for me, shut it, then as he went around the car, he stared at the poster ALL THE WAY to his side. (I watched him). I wanted to shrivel up and die. I was SICK to my stomach.

Of course he denied, then apologized. This is so humiliating to me, I'd rather be single than keep being hurt like this. I mean, if he's really not willing to honor me with his eyes, I'll go it alone.

And for the record, I meet his need for PA very well (his words). It's not like he ain't got his own beauty.

I agree with this. I noticed though that she added at the end that if he wanted to get them at Target, then she was okay with that. That says to me that she was enthusiastic with getting them at Target. I think their communication is way off.

Z,

Somehow you've got to get your husband to buy into MB. His view of 'you're trying to control me' or whatever is off base. As a spouse, we should want to protect our spouse. If something is harmful to them that we are doing, we should stop it. In other words, he needs to stop staring at scantily clad women since that bothers you.

Actually, we hadn't POJA'd "where" we were going to get the notebooks, only that we would "stock up" on them since they were "$.10/ea." H unilaterally decided to get them at Target, though they were $.17/ea. When I expressed my preference (not a demand, simply opening up a negotiation), he got angry & shut it all down.

I wasn't enthusiastic. I was letting him have his way because he was angry. My mistake.

Look at the way you expressed your preference. Reread my response to you. I think it would be better if you start phrasing things as a question. "Would it be okay if we got them at Walmart because they might be cheaper?"

BUT, if they get to Target and she is no longer enthusiastic about that, then that deal is OFF the table.

And I agree about the communication issue. She could have told him she didn't want to pay more than $XYZ for the notebooks and they could have used that in their negotiations.

For the record, I DO NOT FAULT Z one bit for objecting over a 7 cent difference. This is very important to some people and that perspective should be respected. My DH would also go crazy over paying more for notebooks when he could get them cheaper at Walmart.

Okay. Fair enough. Never say anything you aren't enthusiastic about. Your husband wasn't enthusiastic about getting them at Walmart. However, rather than expressing himself appropriately, he responded poorly.

OK, so I'm trying to understand: My asking him if we can "please do DS's song first, then his next" is controlling?

I thought I was asking for what I wanted. I would have been fine if he'd responded, "I'd rather finish my song," then we could have negotiated. But he didn't, he threw a fit instead.

Z, this is a CRITICAL POINT that you must understand. The way you are phrasing your feelings feels like you are talking down to him and denying PERMISSION. I felt the same thing when I read this and my DH and I had the same problem. Your husband must be made to feel like an EQUAL partner in the decisions.

Telling a grown man he can't buy notebooks at Target is a sure fire way to infuriate a grown adult. I know it would me!

A better way would be to ASK HIM "how would you feel if we waited and got these cheaper at Walmart." From there, you could negotiate a decision that would make you BOTH happy and that might involve buying other notebooks at Target. Don't tell him anything, simply ask him how he feels.

This is good stuff, Mel. I think once Mr. and Mrs. Z can get in sync with negotiating and POJAing well and the AOs gone, their relationship will be so much better.

The point is that you didn't offer him any voice in that decision, you just offered it up as your decision. You asked if this was ok and then if he says NO, then he looks like the bad guy in front of your kids no matter what he says!

On the song issue, how about checking with your husband to see how he feels about playing your DS's songs? That way you could have come to a decision together about that. Your H would have felt like an equal partner instead of feeling like he was competing with a kid to play his song.

I am really alarmed about his angry outburst though and I strongly suggest you bring this up to Dr Harley.

I'm sorry, I disagree. Saying, "I'd rather get them at WalMart," is expressing my preference, my feelings. I don't need to ask his permission ("Would it be ok?") - I simply stated my honest feelings about what's going on. Then he lost his temper.

He has a basic problem hearing my point of view - he finds it threatening: we've had this conversation many, many times. I have wants, needs, desires. I won't ask him permission for anything...I will ask "how he feels" about something, then we can start negotiating.

But the thing is you informed your son that there would be sharing of the song listening. Your husband wanted to listen to two songs. Your son wanted to listen to one. You never asked your husband anything to begin with. You side stepped negotiating with your husband and informed him how it would happen. You had decided with no input from him that your husband would only get to listen to one song.

Hm...ok. Good point!

Thanks for pointing this out. I'll do better.

OK, agreed. I can see this, now.

Yikes! You're right. Yuck.

I'll do better.